I know no one wants another topic about girl problems, but what the hell, I feel compelled to write this, so here it goes. Man I am such a loser... Ladies, you know how you have that one really close guy friend, the one you really really like a lot, but not that way? The one who will do anything for you, hangs out with you, listens to all your problems? Ok, well you need to stop it. Really. Enough. Even though it's our own damn faults for getting stuck in the friends zone, take some pity. Currently, Im dealing with the "friends zone" syndrome, I worked so hard and went through so much to try to get the most amazing girl I've ever met, yet get stuck just being friends...which is great, but still, who wants to make it to the playoffs and not go to the world series? I know, I know, I should have seen this coming a mile away. But you know how it is, you get all attatched, you dont want to give up on her, even though she's made it clear it's just friends. Hah, now I have to pretend oh ok thats fine, I'm perfectly happy with that. I don't think I'll last much longer though. Ah, I'm sure at least some of you can relate. Any suggestions?
I would just like to say DITO and that i feel you orestes. I have a damn-near-identical problem. Any ladies care to field this one?
Sometimes girls start to cross that line of the "friends zone" too, but they are in complete denial, feeling that "if I allow myself to do this, I'll lose a friendship." To girls, friendships are much more important. When you like someone, it kind of rubs off to the other person, they will just try to resist it with all of their will. Girls try to balance out friends or more-than-friends? Too afraid to take that risk. But hey, I'm a female, but guess what... I'm in the friends zone with you guys. I'm just in denial. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! So I'll never be crossing that line...
straight forward talk to her does she want what you want or not ? if she does then its cool if she dosent move on life goes round yada yada yada Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! no dissrespect
She doesn't want what I want, at least not at the moment. I can't help myself in conjuring up the scenario in which she changes her mind one day...Hah, thus, I am stuck in vicious cycle of hope, desire, and resegnation, in that I can't do anymore, and need to move on. Which I am finding extremely difficult to do. How am I supposed to let something that potentially could be the greatest thing ever to happen to me go? I'm not kidding here, this girl is incredible, such a rare find that I'd be hardpressed to come across some one like her again. Hah, who knows, maybe I'm suffering from a bad case of tunnel-vision.
That's not true. We're all friends here. If you need help come to us. And you're not a loser. All men go through most of the same painful experiences, it's just part of life. As one of the elders of SciForums, I can give you the benefit of my years of experience. First off, none of what you say is absolutely certain. Sometimes women do fall for their male friends. It doesn't happen as often as the other way around, but it's not impossible. The most likely scenario is that she currently has a boyfriend/husband/whatever. If and when that relationship comes to an end, she may see you in a new perspective. All bets are off. Or she may be getting over a defunct relationship. She may just not be in the mood for love and it's nothing personal. When she gets out of her funk, there you are. Or there are lots of other reasons why she may not be "looking" at the moment. We guys, we never stop looking. Women are not like that. It's one of those Venus/Mars things. We can go about five minutes without thinking about sex. A woman can go for months. She may be preoccupied with her job or schoolwork or a family problem or she may just be pissed off about the rape victims in Africa and not be feeling very charitable about men right now. What you need to do in ANY of these scenarios is COOL IT. Be her friend, be her companion, be her confidant, but don't try to be what she doesn't want right now, which is a LOVER. She will be forced to fend off your attentions and you'll screw yourself. If a woman is not in the mood for love or sex or anything of that nature with YOU right NOW, that really means that she is NOT IN THE MOOD! You can't make her get in the mood, but you can easily make her get INTO A MOOD and it will be the wrong one and it will direct the way she feels about you forever after. Don't be romantic, don't make suggestive remarks, don't make cute little double-entendres. DON'T TOUCH HER unless you already have a friendly relationship in which little hugs or touches are okay. Things are different from the way they were when I was your age so you'll have to figure this out for yourself. But when in doubt, err on the side of caution. If she has to wriggle out of an embrace or duck a kiss or pull her hand out of yours JUST ONCE, you're setting yourself up as a guy whom she will never want to be romantically involved with. COOL IT! COOL IT! Finally.. and maybe you have to be a little closer to my age to be able to do this... But it is quite possible to be friends with a woman that you have romantic feelings about. It's nice to be around her, you enjoy the sound of her voice, she smiles at you, you get to know each other. It can be sweet. You still have to go off and find a real girlfriend, but there's nothing wrong with having someone who's dear and special for a friend. It happens all the time. Same rule applies, however. COOL IT. No touching, no talking about love or sex or romance. She knows how you feel, believe me. Women are much more perceptive than we are.
yes. butit is tough. you ready?? IF said girl was hot fo yo, she would have gone fr it already she will be already aware from body language, etc how you feel however. heres some good news. if you cqn just alow bein friends WITHOUT the constant urge to GETHERINTO BED etc...who knows, friendship may blossom into more intimate physical relations.....sometimes lovers beginn friends and when they turn into lovesers the relationship is stronger BUT. the trick is dude..isnot to PUSH her. for fuks sake dont tell her or it could end....could. people is different i know i know. life can be tuff ........
Two things, ladies are never satisfied and they are always looking for something better. The best thing to do is get in and get out, always have an exit route even if you plan to stay, don't be like George bush.
Ah, that is the advice that applies best to me. It's extremely difficult, but I know I must. Like you said Fraggle Rocker, I know its really not a good idea to push it. Gotta avoid that at all costs. But, its good to know that I am not totally screwed, and that there is a chance, even if it takes years. But she is well worth the wait, so I think I'll hang in there. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
I don't think this is really a guys or girls thing... sometimes girls get stuck just being friends, too... the problem here is that usually you don't actually know whether your friend wants to be more than friends, and it's pretty darn awkward to ask.
Perhaps, but it's so much easier for girls/women to tie down with the mate of their choice that it isn't really worth mentioning. In their case, it would be quite the exception as opposed to the frequent occurence that it is for us...
Rape her. Better yet, kidnap her and brutally rape her for a period of days. She might develop Stockholm Syndrome, and be fucked up enough to think that you're actually interesting.
Kick her in the throat and leave her there to drown in her own blood. Betrayl and deciet is a crime deserving of such a punishment. Either that, or just call her a bitch, get hammered, and bang some girl at a bar somewhere. Whichever works best for you.
You're trying too hard. You're caught up in the longing for future hope, in turn paying little mind to the present. This shouldn't be about winning her over, but rather how you're behaving because it isn't exactly healthy for you. Don't throw yourself at her and try to concentrate on the here and now. You'll just continue chasing that fantasy which may never come.
orestes, You reek of all kinds of neediness. This is a disgusting and repulsive smell. Duh? What is your problem?! "Please don't be more x than me, because I can't take other people being more x than me" (x being any trait you find admirable). That's what you are emitting. What?! Do you think she's a trophy that can be won, if you just work hard enough? That's right, you are ATTACHED, you are a TICK, a PARASITE. No wonder she doesn't want you. Why do you HAVE to pretend? Who or what is pointing a gun to your head and telling you you must pretend? You sure won't. THERE YOU GO. Isn't that clear enough? She doesn't want what you want. If would you respect her and would be serious about her, then you would accept this. But you just want a trophy. A prize for your efforts. If she were so great,t hen you'd gladly wait for her, forever. But she isn't that great after all, is she? You know this, don't you? It bugs you, doesn't it? You have to move on from this trophy thinking. So she's a thing now? You have no idea what a romantic relationship with her actually is like. You actually don't know what it would be like for you two to be in a romantic relationship. Maybe the two of you wouldn't get along romantically at all. You don't know that. You are wrapped up in your fantasies of her, and in your indulgences of your selfishness. I can imagine this is one of the reason she doesn't want you.
Ahh Water....if you could actually watch the entire situation unfold with your own eyes, you'd say "Damn, I was dead wrong." (referring to your above comments) You have got me all wrong here. And I think it is quite malicious for you to jump all over me, without having any insight as to what is actually happening. So, take it easy on me here. This is a very difficult situation for me here. But hey, if you want to be cruel, I'm not going to cry about it. But let me refute some of the things you have WAY wrong. And yes, they are DEAD wrong. Ok, so I meet a girl. And to me, she is absolutly amazing. More than anyone before her, in every way I can think of. And I feel something different about her, something deeper. I am supposed to not stop and think, hey, she is really special, I hope something comes of it some day? You call this neediness. I call it recognizing something special. Not quite getting what you're bashing me about here...but from what I get from it, you're saying I don't want anyone else to be closer. Ok, I would say I originally felt like that. But how could I not? You're treating my feelings here as something that can be turned on and off like a light switch. FUCK NO!!!!!! This is where you show you have no clue about what's happening. And I can't expect you to, I really didnt go into too much detail in my posts, and you've never seen things unfold with your own eyes. All I'm asking is to not friek out on me and jump to some wild ass conclusions. She means the world to me, and I've probably never had a better friend and companion. Tell me, how can a friend be a trophy? And I count my lucky stars every day that I have her as a friend. It's hard to explain, but I just have a connection with her that I only have with a few, if any other people. I am not obsessed, just attatched, in an emotional way, even less so now. Her whole being is a beatiful sight to behold, her personality is incredible. I can talk to hours with her, and her with me. Let me also point out that she calls me, to talk about things. I get the clear impression that I am not being burdensome to her, and if she gave the slightest hint that I was, I'd immedialty stop. Because although I have accepted for the most part what we are together, something will always creep in the back of my mind as to what I could have done differently, and what I can still do. My feelings for her are strong, so I think its natural for me to always be thinking of that. Well, time it seems is making things a little easier, and the whole thing a little less raw. It may be a while before I fully accept it, but it will come. I will never give up the idea of us together. I'll just tuck it in the back of my mind for now... How wrong you are. I don't look at women as objects, or trophies. This girl is already companion that I wouldn't trade for anything. She will always be my friend and confidant. So again, how can she be a trophy, when she is one of the people who is closest to me? She is not to be won, she is a magnificant human being. Indulgences? Selfishness? How? How is caring and loving another person, even after they say they don't want what you do, and me still accepting that, selfish? I simply don't see how. I respect her choice, and I will not try to force her to change her mind. Here is where you actually make a valid point. I don't know how it would work. That is what I've often thougt about; we might be great friends, but there might not be any romance between us. But, how can anybody know that for sure for anyone? The only way is to try each other on, see how it goes. Look, water, this girl is really something special. She's some one who you don't often cross paths with in life. A rarity. So if I have come across as needy or leech-like, it is because I don't want to lose sight of such a beatiful individual, with such a beautiful soul and personality. Like I said, if you were to see things play out, you might think of me differently.
Enough romantic idealism. This is biology. Don't stress yourself looking for an absolute that doesn't exist. Talk to her as a man not a "girlfriend". If she starts talking about other guys or "girlfriend stuff", jokingly say "do I look like your therapist?" Keep the conversation light and fun ( talk about her family, pets, school etc). Don't talk for hours(pretend you have something else to do). End the (already short) conversation with a laugh. Don't share your deep problems with her. You don't need anyone to listen to your problems. You don't need her to make everything all better(why would she want someone who can't add to her life?). Convey(in a subtle way) that you want her but, sure don't need her. You could always be seen casually hanging with another girl. It just might make her see you as a male again.
orestes, I know damn well it's a difficult situation for you there, but it is not difficult for the reasons you present so far. It is neediness inasmuch as you go: "I see someone really special. I MUST have her. I MUST do my best to get her." If you would be thinking "I would like to be with her. I would like to spend more time with her", this would present a different modality of your intentions. But you are still in your I-must phase, not in the I would-like-to phase yet. I'm saying you emit this attitude: "Please don't be smarter than me, because I can't take other people being smarter than me" or "Please don't be harder to hurt than me, because I can't take other people being harder to hurt than me". You said: Women are humans too, you know. Even though the relationship is romantic, it is still two people interacting, two personalities. Your problem here is not of the romantic nature, but a matter of personality and relationship boundaries. You probably display the same attitude in other relationships as well (even in this brief communication with me); you just don't notice it much. Not at all. No, a friend is not a trophy. But to get your friend to be your lover, that can be an act of treating them as a trophy. You are her girlfriend, man! Yup, personal insecurity. It happens to you with other people as well, only it isn't as important to you as with this girl, as you don't have such strong affection for other people as you have for her. This kind of thoughts -- something will always creep in the back of my mind as to what I could have done differently, and what I can still do -- you'd have in any other precarious situation, like with your boss about your job, or with your parents about some important family matter etc. It's not exclusive to romance to have these thoughts. Anything that would be more than you have with her right now, would be a trophy, given how you think and behave for now. Why did you post this thread? But have you tried? She doesn't even want a try at romance with you! What does this make other people? Chopped liver?
