Eye contact and confidence

It's often said that avoiding eye contact is a sign of poor self confidence.
Here's a scene:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ronald is a high school student. He's introverted, and wishes his ears weren't quite so big. He likes when people call him Ron because Ronald sounds awkward and silly. Ron likes to play soccer but didn't make the team this year. He really enjoys his painting classes and is quite talented.

Tuesday, Ron is walking down the street after school on the way to the corner store. Coming the other way is a middle aged lady with heavy make-up and business clothes, a total stranger. As they near, Ron half-consciously avoids eye contact and stares at a brick wall. As they pass each other, Ron glances at the woman's face to find her starring straight ahead, devoid of expression.

As Ron continues on, he meets a girl bouncing along with a purple backpack. As they near, Ron feels no alarm at looking the girl in a face. Ron holds eye contact as they pass just long enough to be socially acceptable he feels. There is none of the anxiety he felt earlier with the business woman.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Why? What goes through our subconscious as we encounter people, strangers or aquaintances?

 

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I think that merely glancing into somebody's eyes occassionally as you hold a conversation is acceptable, but I don't like it if somebody stares into my eyes for the duration; it's very disconcerting.

Personally, I tend to focus on the persons mouth, with the occassional glance to their eyes, but the less I trust a person, the more I avoid their eyes.

I think it's less to do with confidence and more to do with intimacy. The more eye contact, the more intimacy there is with the person.

 

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Why is it then that it is sometimes easier to have "intimate" eye contact with a total stranger than with an aquaintance or friend?

 

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First of all, women are more prone to look someone in the eyes than men. Women seek eye contact more often than men.

Also, if you are a bit deaf or don't understand the person well, you'll look into their face and esp. eyes a lot more than usually.

Not just eye contact -- it's the famous "talking to the stranger on the train about your family" thing.
It seems that when someone is a total stranger, but you are forced by external circumstances to be in the same room with them, you try to do something to avoid the annoying silence. Unless you are a professional "about-the-weather-talker", you'll resort to family matters, as this is what matters most to most people.

Also, it seems easier to talk about rather intimate things with strangers because -- you think you'll never see them again, so it's easier to speak openly and without feeling restraints or obligations.

It's easier to -- in your mind -- undress a stranger you see on the street. It's much harder to do that with your neighbour or classmate or coworker. As if existing social relationships pose an obstacle to our imagination.

 

And it's as if that's all that's available to talk about with people we DO know.

 

i only look people in the eyes when one of us it talking, otherwise it is just plain dodgy

 

I find it hard to look people in the eye if they have authority over me.

 

At first I thought Ronhad a lack of confidence after not looking the woman in the eye (maybe she was just really ugly). But then he looked at the girl (which coming from a 15 year-old boy can be nerve-racking), so I beleive he has no confidence issuses. But he is a little self-concious. He minds his ears and preferes to be called Ron. After reading a few self-help books I am hypothisizing (sp.) that he didn't look into the womans eyes because he had nothing to gain except a conversation (which he probably didn't want since the woman and him have little in common). He looked into the girls eyes because he wanted a girlfriend.

 

"The eyes are the window to the soul"
- Immanuel Kant


Don't betray yourself.

 

i try to look into the eyes of people i don't trust whenever i am speaking with them, simply because it is very disconcerting. i am usually going someplace when i am with friends, and therefore, am looking ahead.

as for ron, i suppose he thought the woman looked like a whore, and was conditioned to be ashamed at this thought, and so, avoided eye contact. and we all have something we are not proud of, whether it be our ears, eyes, clothes, or past.

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The eyes do not reveal jack shit about what you are talking about. There is no scientific basis to the notion, and yet social acceptance of the idea is widespread. It bemuses me.

Avoiding eye contact sometimes has to do with a lack of self confidence and at times, uncomfortability. To decide which is which, one must analyze the context. It is also worth noting that as with the nonsense about a firm handshake, social conditions allow or even at times force some people to look directly into someone's eyes when they talk. It is all rather stupid.


Skipping Stones:
Perhaps Ron fears his facial expression might betray either his disgust or some other reaction that may negatively affect the middle aged woman with the heavy make-up. With the younger girl, she maybe a peer and therefore more familiar, or she may be younger and therefore he feels more secure, she may also be attractive and a peer, and he hopes to get her attention. Who knows?

What goes through our subconscious? lol. that is a rather large question/answer for this forum.

 

Why do people who lie tend to avoid eye contact?

If someone sad they loved you, and looked down at that moment -- would you believe they love you?

Of course, it's all context, but I can usually tell by the look in someone's eyes whether they are uncomfortable or not. I do see the possibility that what is actually being observed is something else, the eyes just seem the most vivid target of attention.

Also, try animals: It all depends on the way you look them in the eyes; esp. cats and well-domesticated dogs. Give them a "cold" look, and they'll return a cold look. Give them a nice, "warm" look, and they'll gladly blink at you.

 

Heh... Cats don't really give a shit about how we look at them.

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Trust me I've tried hard enough.

Ok when most people lie, they tend to look everywhere except at the eyes of their victim. Guilt - without any doubt - plays a huge part. But lying itself is the clever manipulation and distortion of facts, and it requires higher-order thinking skills of the brain to fabricate or to conceal vital information links that'll complete the trickery. And these info links have to be believable.

So when higher order thinking skills are utilised, the brain automatically limits the amount of neural activity going on in the sensory department. That's why we invariably have a preference towards looking at static objects rather than dynamic ones like the ever-inquisitive human eye. That's probably the reason liars avoid eye contact.

 

The Greenvision,


Liars: Technically, even the look of the eyes can be learned to look naturally when lying. But -- not the voice. The voice is hardest to manipulate. If you know the person well, you can tell by their voice when they are lying (esp. when on the phone; in face-to-face communication, one can easly be tricked).


Heh, as for cats -- I grew up with one, maybe this is why I am so used to eye contact with them and all animals ...

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Rosa: cats usually, the word is not sense but, try to analyse your mood by looking in your eyes. If u look very interested in the cat and stare at it without blinking it will generally get scared and do the same thing back (all the while it is ready to just scamper away from u if u try anything dubious!).

If u look a lot more relaxed with the cat, it will look more relaxed as well as it has nothing to fear.

 

John,

Why the eyes?

Fountainhed said that there is no scientific evidence that eyes reveal something. Can you bring some references to studies that say so or otherwise, or do we still have only individual observations to work with?

 

Notes on the Gaze

The social codes of looking

Looking is socially regulated: there are social codes of looking (including taboos on certain kinds of looking). It can be instructive to reflect on what these codes are in particular cultural contexts (they tend to retreat to transparency when the cultural context is one's own). 'Children are instructed to "look at me", not to stare at strangers, and not to look at certain parts of the body... People have to look in order to be polite, but not to look at the wrong people or in the wrong place, e.g. at deformed people' (Argyle 1975, 158). In Luo in Kenya one should not look at one's mother-in-law; in Nigeria one should not look at a high-status person; amongst some South American Indians during conversation one should not look at the other person; in Japan one should look at the neck, not the face; and so on (Argyle 1983, 95).

The duration of the gaze is also culturally variable: in 'contact cultures' such as those of the Arabs, Latin Americans and southern Europeans, people look more than the British or white Americans, while black Americans look less (ibid., 158). In contact cultures too little gaze is seen as insincere, dishonest or impolite whilst in non-contact cultures too much gaze ('staring') is seen as threatening, disrespectful and insulting (Argyle 1983, 95; Argyle 1975, 165). Within the bounds of the cultural conventions, people who avoid one's gaze may be seen as nervous, tense, evasive and lacking in confidence whilst people who look a lot may tend to be seen as friendly and self-confident (Argyle 1983, 93).

Goffman (1969)... describes the sustained 'hate stare' as exhibited by bigoted white Americans to blacks. The directed eye contact violates a code of looking, where eye contact is frequently broken but returned to, and leads to depersonalization of the victim because an aggressor deliberately breaks the rules which the victim adheres to. (Danny Saunders in O'Sullivan et al. 1994, 205)

Noting Pratt's (1992) exploration of 'the colonial gaze', Schroeder comments that 'explorers gaze upon newly discovered land as colonial resources', and adds that John Urry (1990) refers to 'the tourist gaze', which reflects status differences, emphasizing that it is historically variable (Schroeder 1998, 208).

Codes of looking are particularly important in relation to gender. One woman reported to a male friend: ‘One of the things I really envy about men is the right to look’. She pointed out that in public places, ‘men could look freely at women, but women could only glance back surreptitiously’ (Dyer 1992a, 265). Brain Pranger (1990) reports on his investigation of 'the gay gaze':

Gay men are able to subtly communicate their shared worldview by a special gaze that seems to be unique to them... Most gay men develop a canny ability to instantly discern from the returned look of another man whether or not he is gay. The gay gaze is not only lingering, but also a visual probing... Almost everyone I interviewed said that they could tell who was gay by the presence or absence of this look. (in Higgins 1993, 235-6)

http://www.aber.ac.uk/media/Documents/gaze/gaze07.html

 

I'm not so sure if that is actually true. A seasoned liar will look directly into you eye and lie if they know you take direct eye contact to mean honesty. Some have perhaps accepted the notion that the eyes can betray them.
But in reality, it is more subtle-- expression, and demeanor betray.

Depends entirely on the context. What if they are a shy person or they are embarrased by it. I"ll be less inlcined to believe the person who will stare into my eyes for 2 minutes straight as they declare their love. It is simply to theatrical.

Well, one most consider socially adapted reactions to uncomfortability-- and they include where the eyes move. The very same way an uncomfortable person might get fidgety, do the eyes roam, etc. The movement of the eyes are part of a facial reaction. Randomly or deliberately moving eyes devoid of the other accompanying characteristics of a facial expression or without any social standard is meaningless/it translates nothing.

A "cold look" requires more facial muscles that you think. They are merely reacting as animals react to perceived danger or comfort. The basic expressions are mostly instinctive (anger, fear, etc).

 

Autistics and people with Asperger's syndrome (a form of autism), also avoid eye contact. This trait is even part of the diagnostic criteria. The reason has to do with the inability to interpret and reciprocate the social meaning in the eyes. When I learned I should look people in the eyes while talking to them, I did, just stared right at them, but that's not acceptable either, it seems. thefountainhed, there is alot of information and communication going on there, and it can be distracting, especially if you can only do one thing at a time, talk- or look. You can't tell what they are talking about, but you can tell if they are sincere, or joking, or disinterested. There are so many factors to get right if you study it, you can't look for too long, and if you don't at all people think you're lying.

 

Thanks. Very interesting.

But what really inhibits the right to look of women? Why can they only only glance back surreptitiously?

Possible reasons: Coyness, insecurity, facade or simply no interest (due to their natural inclination towards looking at other females more than males) ?

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I'm not even sure the right to look is involved. By taking the initiative to look freely or to establish eye contact with male strangers, does that constitute a contravention of any social values or norms in our modern societies today? It used to be so in the past in some cultures. But I think it's already fast-fading in our context of the modern world.

Glance back surreptitiously? Pls don't. I'm definitely in favour of more eye contact!

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