"They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "Meat. They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat." "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?" "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines." "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact." "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines." "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat." "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat." "Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage." "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?" "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside." "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through." "No brain?" "Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you." "So ... what does the thinking?" "You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat." "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!" "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?" "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat." "Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years." "Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?" "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual." "We're supposed to talk to meat." "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing." "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?" "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat." "I thought you just told me they used radio." "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?" "Officially or unofficially?" "Both." "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing." "I was hoping you would say that." "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?" "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?" "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact." "So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe." "That's it." "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?" "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them." "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream." "And we marked the entire sector unoccupied." "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?" "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again." "They always come around." "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..." the end
Hello: It was too long for me to read it. I like to read stuffs that are a bit short. One grammatical question: Shouldn`t the past verb "understod" in your question be "understand"?
Reductionist position, eh ? That's ok, we all need to make sense of the purposeless at some point. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! ... and what of these aliens ? Where is their seat of consciousness ? They seem primitive, narrow-minded for such advanced beings. Oh well, I'm just meat so I'll shut up now. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
I indicated that I understand this text from a philosophical perspective but, to be more accurate, I interpret it as having a philosophical message. Intended or not. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
There are a number a philosophical implications to this text. 1. Incredulity that we are intelligent forms of meat. 2. Disassociation with the fact that our food is (was) intelligent. 3. Belief in higher forms of sentience. 4. A sense of isolation in not being able to communicate with other planets/life forms outside Earth, when science has shown this to be a possibility. 5. A sense of the ultimate absurdity of existence. I wonder, how aliens would be familiar with the concept of meat without knowing that it can think.
Oh my God... I just wrote a paper in my writing course about how we are just clusters of molecules arranged in a specific way so that we can move, and how all our emotions are just malecule responmses to the other molecules around us. this text is observing the same thought. it was also one pf the funniest things I have read in a while. Where did you get it?
Thanks Stacy - although this story has made its rounds on the internet for years, I always get a good chuckle reading it.
These aliens are Hamsters, broadcasting from the Death star Mk III (or 'Sedna' as you puny humans refer to it as). Hamsters are actually special cyborgs, made out of meat alternative.
But meat is so complicated, shouldn't they be really impressed? I'd be more impressed to see one of those hydrogen beings, that's a really simple atom there, not like our superior complex organic molecules, and specialized tissues! Certainly any sentient life form could realize that earth-life is really really cool.
