Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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  2. outlandish smoki'n....... Registered Senior Member

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    Thin 'n' crusty.

    Ok so a guy's at a pizza place. He orders a "Thin & crusty supreme",

    .....the waiter returns with Diana Ross.

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    shit, this should be in the "funny story" thread. Oh well.
     
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  4. Tiassa Let us not launch the boat ... Valued Senior Member

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    Foster Brooks?

    Reminds me of an old Foster Brooks line: "I walked into a bar the other day, said, 'Barkeep, give me something tall, cold, and full of gin.' He looked me in the eye and asked, 'Have I introduced you to my wife, yet'?"

    What? Henny Youngman laughed.
     
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  6. outlandish smoki'n....... Registered Senior Member

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    "Now take my wife......no seriously, somebody please take my wife"
     
  7. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Yes, OK.. OK.. but I will return her in the morning!

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  8. I see you belong in the religious forum, how opinionated you are for someone so young?

    And the answer is:
    One you clean, the other cleans you!
     
  9. a message to the ladies

    If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section



    Buy a dog.





    If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you



    Buy a dog.





    If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it



    Buy a dog.





    If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want



    Buy a dog.







    If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies



    Buy a dog.





    If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores



    Buy a dog.





    If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually



    Buy a dog.





    But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness.











    Then my friend, Buy a cat!




    (You thought I was talking about men didn't you!)


    this was emailed to me by a friend
     
  10. cute story

    A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

    1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
    2. Taj Mahal
    3. Grand Canyon
    4. Panama Canal
    5. Empire State Building
    6. St. Peter's Basilica
    7. China's Great Wall

    While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

    The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help." The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World are:



    1. To See


    2. To Hear


    3. To Touch


    4. To Taste


    5. To Feel


    6. To Laugh


    7. And to Love."

    The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

    (Yeah, right!! – Sweet message but not a chance! – S.T.)

    (this was emailed with comments)
     
  11. MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS

    He who laughs last, thinks slowest (or didn’t understand the joke).

    A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

    When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

    He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

    The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

    Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

    If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

    Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

    Shinbone: A device for finding furniture.

    A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

    It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

    Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

    When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

    Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
     
  12. sargentlard Save the whales motherfucker Valued Senior Member

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    6,698
    A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over
    his mouth.

    A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

    "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles
    black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only
    here to wash your hands and feet"

    He struggles again to ask, nurse, are my testicles black?"

    Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his
    penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and say's, "there's nothing wrong with them!"

    Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "that was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"
     
  13. sargentlard Save the whales motherfucker Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,698
    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette with a satisfied grin on its face. The egg, in a rather pissed-off tone, says, "well, I guess now we know the answer to THAT question."
     
  14. NightCrawler Registered Member

    Messages:
    23
    Another Suicide


    A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.

    A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.
     
  15. NightCrawler Registered Member

    Messages:
    23
    Q & A


    Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
    A: So brunettes can remember them.

    Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
    A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back.

    Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
    A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

    Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
    A: The joystick is wet.

    Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
    A: Pick them up off the floor.

    Q: Why don't blonds play frisbee?
    A: It hurts their teeth.

    Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
    A: Gifted!

    Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
    A: Alone.

    Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
    A: They can't find the zipper.

    Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
    A: She tried to drown it.

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
    A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
     
  16. The Jewish Samurai

    This just was emailed to me:

    FW: the Jewish Samurai
    Date: Sat, 3 Jan 2004 00:14:21 -0500


    There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

    A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

    The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

    The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"


    The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

    The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

    Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

    The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

    The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
     
  17. A prisoner escapes from his Paarl prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

    As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

    While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck.

    If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

    To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey....... I love you too".

    Just emailed:
    Subject: FW:
    Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2004 12:25:19 -0500
     
  18. Absane Rocket Surgeon Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    8,989
  19. Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.

    "How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

    He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

    "I think you need some time off," said the boss.

    So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

    The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

    The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."
     
  20. A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
    He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
    The cop asked, "What's he like?"
    The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs".
     
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