Tyler's Relationship Thread

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Tyler, Jun 25, 2003.

  1. Tyler Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    4,888
    Okay, time for my cliche relationship thread.

    I start this thread with the terrible problem of not knowing what the hell I think anyone can say. It's not that I'm afraid of anyone's answers, I just don't know that I even have a question. So let's just start by explaining the issue...

    The issue can only be understood if you know the history, so here's a really brief sum-up of the last half year of my life. There's this chick who goes to my school, Allegra. Her and I have been friends for three years and close, close friends for two of those. Over the last year, in fact, she's become probably my best friend. Of course, being the regular teenage folk that we are, that inevitably led to us going out. As soon as something happened though, she freaked out that I actually liked her in that way and was unable to deal with everything. And I told her that we should just be friends and fool around. After some problems - which lasted about a week - we were together and good. Until my dad walked in one day a long while later and told her to get out of the house and that he didnt want us "fucking in the basement or fooling around in my house". She freaked - and this actually came after a number of my father's comments of this sort - and that on top of the fact that she was getting afraid that she wasn't as into the relationship as in the beginning, added up to her dumping me. Within about a few days after that, she tells me now, it was evident to her this breakup was not going to last for her. And shortly after that we were back together again.

    Anyway, I don't know why I'm saying all this, but the ideas I want to instill into your head are these:
    - she's never had a relationship before
    - ours comes from a long friendship
    and...

    The relationship has become quite serious. In the last four months or so, we've not gone a day without speaking and not more than two without seeing each other. We're one of those pathetic couples you complain about most of the time.

    Now she's gone. And soon I'm gone. Allegra left the city yesterday to go to camp as site staff. I'm leaving Sunday for Italy for a month. She gets back Sunday and I can see her for about two hours before I leave. Then she's back the day I return from Italy (which is actually her birthday), and two weeks later she's home for four days, and then only two more weeks till back for good.

    Right about now you're probably figuring the problem is something to do with fooling around with other people while we're away. After all, that's the typical teenager thing during the summer. And until yesterday, I would have thought that was the only issue between us. And we did discuss it in great length. She said numerous times that she was not interested in anything, and I said the same. But we agreed that if either of us fooled around with another person, if it wasn't anything major and it wasn't a full out relationship with the person we'd be fine. And I genuinly believed this. In fact, I would have figured if anything, she would be 100% likely to go off and fool around with guys and, knowing how emotional a girl she is, end up actually wanting to be with him.

    Then yesterday was yesterday. I went over to her house before she was leaving, we had a good couple hours. She cried, we were a melodramatic couple, things were all how I figured they would be. Then I go out, and to get my mind off the fact that she's gone, I go get stoned with my friends. Three hours later, I call home and find out Allegra has called my house. I call her cell phone and find her more or less crying. The rest of the conversation she gets worse and worse and she's freaking out. She misses me, and she's realizing how little she thinks she can deal with a month away from each other. Add on to this that she's away with only one person she knows - and that girl is just a casual aquiantance. So she freaks out, she cries, I try and consol her. I think I failed.

    Anyway, I left a message on her cell this morning and one tonight. We can't exactly talk every night due to long distance fees which are huge, and her parents really refuse to pay those. So.......... I now find myself with a few questions:

    I think this whole crying and freaking out thing may just be a compilation of all the emotional bullshit of being away from home for the summer without knowing anyone, being away from me, and it being the first night of it all. Do you think she'll calm down relatively soon?

    If she hasn't called tonight (and she actually hasn't checked her messages either, because I called recently to see if her cell was on and the machine was full - meaning she has my two messages plus old ones still lying around), does that mean she's feeling better abotu everything?

    This definetly means I'm not fooling around with another girl, eh? (And this actually isn't so rough for me, I don't care that much - but my question is whether or not her emotional behavior is any kind of indication of whether or not she'll be doing something?)

    Should I try calling tomorrow?

    Is there anything I could possibly say to make her feel better if she still feels shitty?

    Thanks a bunch.
     
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  3. one_raven God is a Chinese Whisper Valued Senior Member

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    13,433
    My advice would be this:

    If it isn't very important to you to see other girls while the two of you are apart, then don't.
    Tell her that you are ready to commit to her and not see anyone else (if you are truly willing to do that) but don't pressure her into it if she is not.

    The reasons you stated are probably why she is freaking out, but there is a good chance that a feeling of security in your relationship and knowing she has you to come home to could make a huge difference in how she feels.

    But, if seeing other people IS important to you and you are not ready for that committment, don't.
    It will just increase the pressure and could cause feelings of resentment between the two of you.
     
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  5. theonlyguyever omg met's lake out!!1 Registered Senior Member

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    559
    dude, commit to her... say you want her and only her. you sound like you're ready for it, and it will prevent her from fucking someone else while she's gone if she knows you're committed.

    (then call her every day and have phone sex.)
     
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  7. Mucker Great View! Registered Senior Member

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    758
    There's nothing pathetic about wanting to see the person you love as much as possible!! I would say it's natural, and that there would be something wrong with you if you didn't.

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  8. Xenu BBS Whore Registered Senior Member

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    706
    Firstly, it's Ok to feel emotionally hurt when you two are separated. It's natural.

    By your description though it sounds she is basing her entire life around your relationship. So when the relationship is put on hold, she feels that her world is ripped apart (because currently this is her world).

    It sounds like your time apart will only be a bit over a month. It's best to reassure her that the two paths you are taking are things you both really want to do. Tell her what Italy means to you. Also reassure her that these are only temporary things (a month or so really isn't that long). The mind has a tendency to think of things as being more permanent than they are. I'd say keep in periodic contact with her, but try not to feed her "neediness" to much. She needs to become her own person in the relationship.

    One warning is that down the road clingy relationships have a large possibility of becoming ugly. Right now she holds a very high ideal for you. As the relationship progresses, you will get over that nicey-nice bump (as I like to call it) that happens at the beginning of most relationships, and start to show your natural selves. However, there's a good chance that she will still hold a very high ideal image of you that you are subconsciously expected to meet. You, being human, can't meet up to these standards. You can pretend and try to meet up to her ideal image (typically leading to a passive-aggressive type situation) and be phony in the process or you can assert who you are, and hopefully shatter that image, which could have a positive or negative consequence.

    These are my observation, it's hard to give advice on what you have posted without knowing both of you.
     
  9. fredx Banned Banned

    Messages:
    795
    Well, there is a guy that I go to school with that has a fiance who is carrying his baby. They became mad at each other and broke up for two days, Saturday and Sunday. The dude had sex with another woman for both of those days. He got back with his fiance on Monday like nothing ever happened. I am not saying that I would do this, honestly knowing myself I probably wouldn't especially if the woman was my fiance, but it worked this guy, so go figure.
     
  10. Maia Crimson Spirit Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    248
    It's amazing how little guys know about girls :bugeye:

    Ever heard of this extremely new and groundbreaking thing called "respect"?
     
  11. fredx Banned Banned

    Messages:
    795
    respect is a concept made up by humans, what is respect?
     
  12. Maia Crimson Spirit Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    248
    If you can't uphold basic values made by your own species, there really is no reason for you to stay within your own species. Go live with giant mutant baboons and giant purple polka dotted squids.
     
  13. fredx Banned Banned

    Messages:
    795
    the problem with defining respect as to "uphold basic values" is that everyone has and is taught different values.
     
  14. Maia Crimson Spirit Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    248
    Show me a society in which elders don't teach their kids to respect others.
     
  15. fredx Banned Banned

    Messages:
    795
    Show me a person that doesn't respond to what I said and I won't respond to what he or she said either.
     
  16. theonlyguyever omg met's lake out!!1 Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    559
    haha, dude i was joking... i hope you realize that....... especially about the phonesex part, because i would never do that!!.... *giggles* okay, so i've done it once or twice........... *blushes and runs away*... no really, my goofy retarded side comes out way too much on these forums.
     
  17. lixluke Refined Reinvention Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    9,072
    I can't beleive I read all that?
    What are you doing in italy?
    Will you be able to post?
    You we will all cry if you don't post.
     
  18. fredx Banned Banned

    Messages:
    795
    dude , your too young to get serious, test the waters, worry about getting serious when your older, don't use relationships and other things as an excuse not to go out and experience all the world has to offer. I have known people that get married the second the second they turn 21, they are the most boring and shallow people I know. Wait till your at least 25 before you tie the knot or get tied down to anything.
     
  19. Tyler Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    4,888
    Well, thank you all for the input. I honestly didn't expect more than three or four responses!

    As a bit of an update.... She phoned me yesterday and she was of stable mind. Granted, she was calling in a pause during her work, but she wasn't crying. She did say she'd started being emotional again a few times when she got my messages on her cell or going to bed (she sleeps in a jersey of mine). Anyway, she seemed to be doing okay, but said she still wasn't coping well and hadn't really gotten in with anyone yet (all the other girls there, apparently, are friends with each other from before).


    one_raven
    She knows she's coming home to me. We've said we're free to fool around with other people, but we'll maintain our relationship (as long as neither of us becomes emotionally involved with someone else).

    Anyway, I think she is worried about loosing me. She went on a fair amount about how I'm going to be whisked away by a beautiful Italian girl.


    Mucker
    Oh that's true. But I mean we're the pathetic kind of couple that can't be away frolm each other in public and such.


    Xenu
    I think that's probably one of our main problems right now. The month is going to seem like forever. More so for her than me. While I'm off getting drunk and partying in Italy she'll be working 9-5 every day at camp. Her time will pass slower than mine, likely. Anyway, I think she grossly overestimates how long a month will feel. She's just going on how long the last four months have felt (and admittedly, it seems like much longer than it was).
    I know what you're saying, but I think we may have avoided such a nasty downfall after the bump simply by being close friends for so long.


    cool skill
    Oh yeah?
    A philosophy course with blyth education (www.blytheducation.com), a grade 12 credit.
    Not very often. And meh, I haven't posted much lately anyway!


    fredx
    Banging some Italian chick is not necessary for me to experience Italy. Might be a nice addition, but it's not necessary.



    Thanks all!
     
  20. fredx Banned Banned

    Messages:
    795
    I never said bang an Italian chick, somehow you saw my posts as some kind of formula and you added them up. It wasn't meant to be taken that way. How about you go to the Coliseum, or the ruins or the capital building in Rome and get enculturated and be loyal to your girlfriend.
     
  21. cthulhus slave evil servant Registered Senior Member

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    754
  22. JoojooSpaceape Burn in hell Hippies Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    498
    My only advice i can offer is to stay away from drugs chief they will only makke your already confusing predicement worse, if shes crying chances are shes afraid you will cheat on her so what you do is enjoy italy take pictures go back home and tell her the truth of whatever you did there, its what she is expecting, if you lie tosomeone you love, then you dont really love them
     
  23. MalloryKnox Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    63
    Well, you're ready for a commitment, perhaps she is ready aswell but in my opinion she's afraid she likes you more than you can possibly like her and she's worried not to be taken as a fool. And sorry but there is nothing you can do. Just wait a bit and don't stress. If you really like this girl, wait for her, BE absolutely honest wiv her and with yourself and good things will come.... all the best 4 u 2 !!!

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