Conflict at work - coworker refuses to talk it out (please read entire post)

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Dissonance, May 21, 2013.

  1. Dissonance Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    27
    I had this conflict at work and it's been such a pain to try to resolve it. It was a conflict between me and another coworker who we will call Jeff. We are both in fast food management (same position). The details aren't really important but basically I was entering numbers into the computer, and he disgreed about the procedure. He wanted me to do something a slightly different way than what I was doing. Both our ways would have been proper procedures, but he was trying to stop me from doing it my way. He demanded I do it his way, and I said it wasn't necessary. I carried on with my work and he kept demanding I do it his way. After the conflict I try to get ahold of him to resolve it, but he ignores me. Eventually I was finally able to have a short talk with him-- I just wanted to resolve the issue. So, we went into the breakroom and he told me didn't think there was an issue and I should just drop it. I asked him why he had yelled at me, and he claims it wasn't yelling but a simple disagreement. Clearly we saw the original conflict differently. He said he wouldn't appologize and was going home, and then walked out of the room. I thought about it for about for a few minutes and decided I would just let it go, but a few things were said that I still wanted to clear up. He was still there at work. I go up to him, say his name, and he rolls his eyes and asks what I want. I asked if he would come back to the breakroom for just a minute so I could say a few words, and he said no.

    I see his point. To him there was no issue to begin with, and he did talk to me a little bit in the break room. From my perspective, however, it wasn't over. The harsh tone, abrupt exit, and eye rolling was proof that it wasn't over. I believe that we have the responsibility to work things out until both parties feel it is resolved-- not just when one party is done with it. I think it's his personal responsibility as a person (and a friend), and a professional responsibility as a fellow manager. We need to have a peaceful workplace. I was not alright with everything, and he clearly didn't seem to care.

    I was going to bring this to our boss's attention, but another coworker just advised me to drop it and not stress out our boss with the drama. I see his point, but I want to finally resolve this and since Jeff won't put in much effort, I feel I should take it to our boss's attention so she can have the final word.

    I can already imagine how it would go down though. Our boss will be frustrated with the drama (regardless of who caused it), but agree that we should resolve it. The Jeff will say he already tried to resolve it in the breakroom, but that I still won't let it go. I'll tell her that it isn't over to me and that if it was really over, he wouldn't have rolled his eyes at me and refused to go back into the breakroom to let me finish.

    I'm not sure what she will say next but I'm not optomistic.

    On one hand I believe that we have the responsibility to resolve things for both people involved-- in the interest of peace (not to mention, as a friend he should want me to feel better). On the other hand some conflicts will never really be resolved and since they can't go on forever, I suppose at least one person needs to just refuse to drag it on any further. I only wanted to say a few more closing words, but he probably believes it would keep going in circles. Maybe Jeff has every right to chose for the both of us to be done with it. From his perpective, he's done with it and if I am not, then it's my problem.

    What do you think? Does it sound like I'm being petty? Am I right about us having the responsibility to work things out even when one person wants it to be over?
     
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  3. Chipz Banned Banned

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    Grow a pair and get on with life.
     
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  5. kwhilborn Banned Banned

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    Talking to management does not resolve issue between workers.

    I would suggest you are too eager to resolve the situation. Let things calm on their own over weeks or months. Eventually you may find yourselves opening doors for one another or needing to speak on work related tasks and things sometimes drift back to normal. Pettiness may be a reason he is not a manager.

    How can you feel it's over? Does he need to apologize? This is unlikely.

    I would ignore him as much or more and move on.
     
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  7. wynn ˙ Valued Senior Member

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    Make sure that this thread gets deleted soon.
    Even though no names have been mentioned, someone could still construe it as giving an inside work issue undue public atention.
     
  8. kwhilborn Banned Banned

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    2,088
    @ Wynn,
    He used false names. How could anyone know this was related to them?
     
  9. Stoniphi obscurely fossiliferous Valued Senior Member

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    3,256
    Eh.... wynn sometimes just likes to make such dramatic statements, I would pay it no mind.

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    As for the OP, here is a different perspective:

    You two are of equal rank, have the same boss and there is potential room for advancement for either or both of you.

    Your coworker "friend" tells you how to do something. You do not follow his demand because 1) you have the situation under control and 2)he is not above you in the chain of command so you do not have to take his orders.

    He now says it is nothing over and done with. You are hurt and are torturing yourself emotionally over this incident.

    If you had followed his command, is it likely that he would just take over the position of being your boss in fact if not in title?

    He did not stab you or make a bomb threat, he made a forceful 'suggestion' that you chose to not follow. You chose to do it your way, task is accomplished for the business, life moves on.

    He says it is not an issue to him, why not take his word on that if he is indeed your friend?

    You are hurt, why is this? Could it be that he is more of a competitor than a friend? Could his friendship be an illusion used to distract you from his actual motivation?

    It is said to live in the here and now, not to attach to things past or future. It is profitable to let go of little upsets that occur and just accept things at face value. Many of us manufacture drama to inject into lives that seem unexciting or boring. Drama queens are ubiquitous in contemporary small - office society, it is unwise to become that kind of center - of attention as it can prevent advancement in managerial chains.

    To wit: Good managers make good decisions without close supervision.

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  10. Dissonance Registered Senior Member

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    He was my friend, but now yes he is more of a competitor. Right now I'm more mad about the fact that he won't take any further steps to wrap everything up. When I asked him the second time to come into the crew room, he wouldn't do it. What does that say about him if he can't even handle resolving a conflict that he himself started?
     
  11. scheherazade Northern Horse Whisperer Valued Senior Member

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    3,798
    Hello Dissonance,

    From my perspective, this sounds like a classic 'power struggle'. He suggested you enter the numbers his way and you refused because your way also worked and he is not your superior.

    You want to have another go at seeing what the 'disagreement' was all about and he says it is resolved.

    If you take this to your boss, you will appear the weaker as this comes across as a non-issue. Was he disrespectful, intimidating, verbally abusive etc.? If so, then there is an issue of potential bullying to consider.

    If he gets in your space again about the same issue or something similar, merely pose it as a question to your boss and inquire as to which protocol she would prefer you to observe would be my suggestion. That alerts her to the fact that there is some matter requiring her attention without anyone 'losing face'.

    Just my two cents worth...

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  12. Stryder Keeper of "good" ideas. Valued Senior Member

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    If the particular task that was required was of importance, it would be up to your actual "Boss" to convey which method should be used to generate standardisation.

    Standardisation is important because if a job entails shift-working, where one employee interchanges their job position with another during different shifts or days. It's necessary that the methods applied are standardised, so that any paper trail of events or transactions can neatly be screened by a Manager or allow for one employee to take over from another in emergencies. If multiple methods are used it can cause confliction not just between employees (as seen in the OP) but also when a shift change is required etc.

    As for the OP's personal conflict. You have to take into consideration that most people want to just get their days work over and go home and forget about it, this might be the perspective of "Jeff". They might of initially been trying to show how they do the particular task, assuming their method works and that your own method didn't. It doesn't necessarily mean they think your method was incompetent, they were probably more than likely just trying to help, however their personality is probably one of those that can easily be read incorrectly as hostile.

    There are of course conflicting points of the OP that I'm unsure of, the usage of "he" and "she/her" I'm not entirely sure if that's applied with the boss or "Jeff" is actually a woman. The gender of both parties (The starter of the OP and "Jeff") are actually important as notoriously women in the workplace can be far more petty and antagonistic of each other than men. (Men are just more likely to thump each other when they've had enough)

    There is also the potential that if the OP was a man and Jeff a woman, there might be more historical conflict due to the gender differences (.i.e. if they dated, or on was accused of harassing the other) In such situations it would explain any acting out in regards to being abrupt or hostile.

    Furthermore as others have posted there is the potential of rivalry, however this can inevitably hurt businesses more than aiding them. If your boss is actually any good, they'll observe any such acts and nip them in the bud as soon as possible, after all the concept of any business is that you are either part of a family or a team, even if you have a middle management position. In fact actions committed by middle management are even more important than that of just a standard employee, mainly because middle management is assigned an area to manage and people under them are looking to them for guidance, training and support. If they see a dispute that is between middle management levels then it can undermine the atmosphere of the company itself, whereby employee's might start disliking their jobs or seeing work as a joke, and start taking time off or looking for work elsewhere.

    I would suggest to the OP, forget that one instance just try in the future if you get in a heated exchange to explain that you want the best for yourself, your friend and the company and it's not about who can pee the highest (or longest)
     
  13. Smashingdols Registered Member

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    7
    Let it go.
     
  14. Randwolf Ignorance killed the cat Valued Senior Member

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  15. Randwolf Ignorance killed the cat Valued Senior Member

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    4,201
    I've noticed that your ability to assimilate information is a complete fail. Try this - Link
     
  16. siledre Registered Senior Member

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    487
    There's no right or wrong at this point, just a difference of opinion but if you still think something needs to be resolved, give it time, I've found that time tends to fix things better than energy.
     
  17. darksidZz Valued Senior Member

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    4,924
    This has happened to me before, you see he feels he won. He is right, if he talks to you about it that'll give you power over the situation. He wants to be the winner here. Drop it because he won't listen, and learn not to listen or care what he says because next week it'll be about how you stock, how you do this or that.
     

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