You're right about that. All I can do is compare what you're saying about your relationship with your parents to the one I have with mine and those of a few other people close to me. As far as I can tell hate is not the dominant feeling. So I must declare myself surprised when it comes from you, given that you come across as a very cerebral guy, knowledgeable about so many things and yet incapable (or, perhaps, unwilling?) of finding a way to reach your parents in a friendly manner. I'm not judging you -- just expressing my surprise. Forty years ago I wasn't around at all (I'm almost 39), except perhaps in my parents' thoughts. And I bet those thoughts included a certain dream of greatness and what not. Well, as so often turns out in the real world, I didn't fulfilled my parents' dream for me (they wanted me to be a priest, and I'm pretty much a convinced atheist; though, in all honesty, their choice for priesthood wasn't fueled so much by religious devotion as by more worldly reasons -- in my small East European town where I grew up, the priest was pretty much the guy with most free time, lots of money and uncountable (and unaccountable for) freebies of all sorts offered by the church-goers). But they never really pushed anything too hard on me (except, perhaps, their insistence on cutting my long hair when I was still in high-school) and pretty much allowed me to make all the major decisions for myself. (They did offered advice though, but the veto was always mine and it was made sure I knew it.) Sure is... I don't think I'd survive knowing that my kids hate me. So I do my best to never find myself in such a situation.
It is strange the vast and strange ineptnesses of many parents. I have been in counseling for years it helps me a lot. Getting away from hurt with hobbies, friends and work helps a lot too. Mother can be very overbearing Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!.
As I grew older and learned more about life and the world, it only reinforced my original feelings. And they didn't do anything to clear the air. They were just as deliberately incapable of understanding me as ever, and continued to nag me to become the child they always dreamed of having, only now a grownup child. They weren't proud of any of my accomplishments and in fact showed so little interest in them that they couldn't have come close to realizing what I had achieved. Whenever I tried to open up one of these topics they quickly shrugged it off with a sarcastic comment or changed the subject. They were particularly distraught over my unwillingness to have children, and there was no way I could ever engage them in a discussion in which I might have been able to point out that in order to be a competent parent it helps to have had good role models. Decades later they finally grudgingly accepted the fact that I seemed to be making a good living, even though it wasn't in the science or technical realm they had me set up for--and they were far too stupid to understand that I.T. is both science and engineering so they had actually gotten what they wanted. When my mother finally got a computer because it was getting kinda hard to find a good typewriter, she had to get the kind that was configured like a typewriter, with a long narrow screen that simulated a line of typing on a sheet of paper! Believe me, it was not entirely for lack of trying. Some people cannot be reached because they simply don't want to be. They didn't like the way the world was turning out and I was part of that, with my motorcycle, my electric guitar, my world travels, my civil rights and antiwar politics (even though I give them credit for planting those two seeds in me), my job (making more money than they ever dreamed of even adjusted for inflation) in an industry they couldn't understand, and my contribution to slower population growth. My mother's parents fled Bohemia (we call it the Czech Republic today because it's easier to spell and pronounce) because of priests like that. That's how her side of the family developed the hostility to religion that was one of their few good influences on me. But you're obviously smart enough to see a problem like that in its formative stages and take measures to prevent it or at least mitigate it. Your children might not turn out quite the way you wanted and they might not consider you their best buddy, but I doubt that they would hate you no matter how many disagreements you went through. When my father had a stroke and lost his power of speech he seemed downright relieved that he'd never have to have a conversation with me again. I didn't just hate the parents I lived with as a child. They continued to get worse and earn entire new categories of hatred!
I had to invent parents to replace the ones that were never there. Met some wonderful people that way.
