Jokes and Funny Stories

According to the best estimates of astronomers there are at least one hundred billion galaxies in the observable universe.

So there should be ~1,000 of these events each year.

Arthur

 

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

 

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I saw a help wanted sign at a restaurant so I went in & asked "What's wrong".

 

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LOL.......

To which they replied......

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(Greetings to a fellow Scorpio.)

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That is how dyslexic people think . Not funny bro . Well maybe a little

 

Interesting.

That's the thing about humor.

I thought it was very dry English type humor, yet I can see that from some perspectives, it could be construed otherwise.

One can never please all of the people all of the time Me-Ki-Gal, and I don't sense that the poster was denigrating anyone.

I do respect that you raised that perspective.

 

A guy walked up to me the other day and asked, "Have you found Jesus?" I looked at him and replied. "WHAT? Dont tell me you lost him again." George Carlin said it better but it is still a favorite of mine.

 

Does anyone here know the story of the Foo Bird?

 

Do tell.......

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I intended the post as a silly joke. It had several people nearly falling out of their chairs a few days ago.
But if anyone has some learning or language problem, it's not me.

 

What's the difference between a rabbit & a matterbaby?

 

Your a Scorpio? I should have known, except you keep that female Scorpio attitude fairly well conceled. In Tucson I knew 6 Female Scorpios and they all had the charateristic dominate personallity. Just my luck.

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In mental hospitals, what is the last thing each inmate is asked before they go to bed?

 

You don't appear to be too twisted for the experience of knowing several female Scorpios, lol.....

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You are either an amenable individual, an intelligent one, or possible even a bit of both.

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I am born on the cusp of Sagittarius, which likely has a tempering effect on my disposition. Scorpios, in general, are rather maligned and misunderstood. They have plenty of good points to balance out the negatives in their character. One of the more complex personalities according to some of the reading I've done. Don't consider myself dominant........just not inclined to BE dominated.

Tenacity.........that I do possess......stick-with-it-ness, lol.....

 

The main Scorpio female I knew was a narcissistic sociopath and she liked living up to the Scorpio reputation. So I probably have a skewed picture of Scorpios, in any event I became sensitive to any woman who was a Scorpio. The one good feature I like about all Scorpios is they are never boring. You seem to have the confidence but not the brashness of a typical Scorpio and I like that. I probably would not have guessed you to be a Scorpio, which makes me wonder what sign you would guess me to be?

 

Too soon for brash guesses, and if you are a cusp personality it will be that much more difficult.

You seem to have considerable balance in your replies to others, with a potential to trot out 'surprises' with the apparent intent of curiosity in regard to the response.

I shall have to take your question under advisement while I undertake to do more research, presently curtailed by time constraints.

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I'll be back.........be patient........if such is your nature........

 

I assume (and hope) you will answer with a joke as thread seems to have left the tracks.

 

Somebody put a quarter in you sometime between last night and this morning?

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Guys are still trying to figure out how to impress women?

Noooooooo..........I'm NOT going to tell you.........not even a hint.

 

Hmmmm.......my computer just did a very strange thing, that left me with the impression that several pages of jokes had been posted in the last while, as it brought me up several pages back.

Aside from any confusion that I may have generated with my preceding post, I did get a rather insightful look at some of the earlier posted jokes, lol......

It's all good.......working graveyards has definitely granted me a privileged perspective on many things. Sometimes, the joke is on me.

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And that's alright too......

 

A girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."