Jokes and Funny Stories

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"

She says, "I'm willing, let's go".

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"

 

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Her first day on the job, she gets to tag along with an experienced operative and plays the part of his secretary. Unfortunately before lunchtime she blows her cover (boom tish), which just goes to show you can't teach an old hag new tricks.

 

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Traveling Salesman to Farmer Brown at his barn door: This is the latest sex book from the city. It will show you 100 ways to have better sex.
FB to TS: I’m not interested – I got my own way.
TS to FB: Well I’m sure its in this book and 99 other great ways.
FB to TS: I don’t think so.
TS to FB: Why not?
FB to TS: Well see that bottomless peach basket attached to the rope that goes thru the pulley at the top of the barn door?
TS to FB: Yes, what about it?
FB to TS: Well my wife sits in it bare assed and I pulls her up and down on my cock.
TS to FB: What’s so great about that?
FB to TS: Well when she gets excited, she grabs the rope and pulls herself up and down.
TS to FB: So what!
FB to TS: Well that leaves with both hands free to spin the basket.

 

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Fart spacetime explained.

In fart spacetime, when you let one go under the covers at night, you want to employ a general blanket-waving technique to give that sucker some freedom, know what I'm sayin'?
Otherwise it gonna creep up on ya for a ways longer--that's relativity.

Please note the above shouldn't be confused with flat spacetime, or flatulence, the latter being an abstract space with positive pressure.

...it should also be obvious that although soundlike and odorlike events are timelike, they aren't necessarily fartlike.

 

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
Something extra for my wife Julie. What I came acros s was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer stun gun.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
Long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

Loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
Button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
Get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
Prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
On the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
It couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
That I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
Target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
Second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
Against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
Advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
Glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
And tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
Your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
And a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
Purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
Water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
Batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
Long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
Possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
Side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
Burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
Decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
Touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
In the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
Over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
Fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
On fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
My body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before , clinging
To a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
Attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
Living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
Note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
Zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
From your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
Second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!

 

I remember in high school when we learned about physics, they explained what a force was.

Then how objects will roll, or slide down an inclined plane and accelerate, but things started going downhill from there.

 

"I been to like 57 states - two more to go." - Barack Obama, the Joke in the White House

"I don't speak Austrian." - Barack Obama

"Your insurance premiums could go down 3000 percent." - Barack Incompetent

"I was talking to this Marine corpse man." - Barack Obama

"I will not sign any bill if it has ONE earmark attached to it." - Barack Obama, who subsequently signed a bill with 9000 earmarks

"I will have the most transparent administration in history." - Barack

Stop it, you're KILLIN' us.

 

Yes, he wont sign a bill if it has ONE. He never said anything about more than 1 earmark...

 

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue
how to talk !"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program ?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.


"So how's Ol' Blue doing son ?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read !"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding ! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue ? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk !"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked,

"So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street ?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother !"

"I sure did, Dad !"


"That's my boy !"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

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Oh that is good! HAHA

 

Q) What's brown and sticky?

A) A stick!

I hate it when my leg goes to sleep during the day - It'll be up all night!

"He hasn't a single redeeming vice!" - Oscar Wilde.

Does killing time damage eternity?

I never fought my way to the top of the food-chain just to be a vegetarian!

I came across some great stuff lately..It's low in fat, it's sugar free and I can have as much as I like without putting on any weight..I don't know why crack isn't more popular!

 

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!


Queen Elizabeth And Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
Before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
So the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
Reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these,
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see
Them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty
The same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.


The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
You turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush

Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.

 

Electronics explained

This bunch of electrons meets up with some dudes called Henry, then they all head Ohm, Faraday or so.

 

What did Ohms say to Watt's son?

I'm not your father

 

A guy gets out of prison after two years. His wife and kids pick him up at the main gate.

The guy says to his wife, "F.F." His wife responds, "E.F." The man says, no "F.F." The wife says, "No way-E.F."

This goes on for about five minutes before one of the kids asks, " What the hell are you people talking about?"

The father responds " Your mom wants to eat first."

 

Anyone seen that joke at the end of Coming to America?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BjrG5QQZxE

 

The scary thing about these Henry dudes is, although they party hearty (y'know, Faraday at least), they all look like they belong to a Masonic Order.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4w2oWBNReAk

 

Anyone seen the History Channels documentary (with Lewis Black) on the history of the joke? and seeking out the worlds funniest joke, which they 'claim to have found'.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Qk_Mf-9JFM&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5y1aoZwCKH4&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rzKGdI1jOM&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuVtWau2TXk&NR=1


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQ_3mgnnmxk&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCsjKfOImbQ&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raP_DzefAh8&NR=1


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ad-FREzJWc&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxR4RpPL1rc&feature=related

 

Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?

Funny Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will you survive?