Jokes and Funny Stories

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders
a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders
the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders
the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but
you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a
refill." The customer replies,

"I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's
time to go home."

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Your new Computer

Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!

<new page>

Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.

Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.

All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.

Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.

Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.

Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.


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You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start:

Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!

Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.

Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!

Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.

Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.

Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead

Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.

Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.

Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.

Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat

Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **

** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.

 

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Though the history of plate tectonics now provide us with a *modus
operandi*, they still seem to me to be a periodic phenomenon. Nothing is
world-wide, but everything is episodic. In other words the history of any
part of the earth, like the life of a soldier, consists of long periods of
boredom and short periods of terror.
-- Derek Victor Ager (1923-1992, British geologist) in "The nature of the
Stratigraphical Record, 3rd edn" (1993),141

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another
theory which states that this has already happened."
-- Douglas Adams

Sometimes I am a little unkind to all my many friends in education ... by
saying that from the time it learns to talk every child makes a dreadfull
nuisance of itself by asking "Why?". To stop this nuisance society has
invented a marvelous system called education which, for the majority of
people, brings to an end their desire to ask that question. The few
failures are known as scientists.
-- Hermann Bondi (Austrian/British mathematician/cosmologist,
1919-) in "Review of Cosmology", Montly Notices of the Royal
Astronomical Society, 1948 108,107.


An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
-- Nicholas Murray Butler (1862-1947, President of Columbia
University)(commencement address at Columbia University - attributed)

A specialist knows more and more about less and less until eventually he
knows everything about nothing.

A generalist know less and less about more and more until eventually he
knows nothing about everything-- "Atlantic"

'Scientists are to journalists what rats are to scientists'--
Victor Cohn, medical writer, Washington Post

 

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Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
December 25
March 30
Special Category: Isaac Newton
Newton:
1) Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to
cross the road.
2) It was pushed on the road.
3) It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from
the road.
4) It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.

I have not yet found the cause of this behaviour of the chicken, based on
the phenomenons and I do not make hypotheses.

No doubt the ancients knew why the chicken crossed the road and I am
studying the bible and try to rediscover their mathematics to find out why
the chicken crossed the road.

I wrote a manuscript on chickens crossing the road a few years back. It is
in a drawer somewhere and I will send it to you as soon as I find it, dear
Halley.

Februari 19
May 24
Special Category: Nicolaus Copernicus
Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Nicolaus Copernicus: Despite the evidence of you senses I can show that it
is mathematically simpler to describe it as the road passing under the
chicken.

Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
Special Category: Erwin Schrödinger
Januari 4
August 12
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Erwin Schroedinger:
(1) She had to get to the farm, or did she?

(2) Since the wording of the question implies the absence of an observer
(else the fowl's motivation might easily be deduced), it is evident that
the chicken simultaneously did _and_ did not cross the road. In the face of
this, any speculation as to the bird's purpose must be viewed as mere
sophistry -- and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion.

(3) Chicken? Chicken!? Where's my cat?

(4) Until the actual act or non-act of crossing the road was observed,
the act remained a cloud of probabilities.

Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
Special Category: André Ampère
Januari 20
June 10
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andre Ampere: To keep up with current events

Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
Special Category: René Descartes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway

Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Rich Cook: "Crossing the road today is a race between civil engineers
striving to build bigger and better super-highways, and the chicken trying
to prove them bigger and better idiots. So far, the chicken is winning."

April 27
April 2
Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Samuel Morse: She had an appointment. She wanted to be there on the dot so
she had to dash.

 

Your joke reminded me of sign I read on back bumper of large commercial truck . It read:

"Ugly Woman's Husband - I hate weekends."

True, except is translation from original Portugese.

 

FUNNY JOKE!!!!!

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make ten people very happy." Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy"

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Sh*#, I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy!!!

 

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks ! into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

 

Our mad scientist one day turns to his assistant and says, "Look, I finally made the apple that tastes like a pussy. Go ahead and try it."

The assistant takes a bite and chews for a while and goes, "But this apple tastes like an ass"

Mad scientist "Because you bit from the wrong side dummy"

 

Three kids are talking to their mother about their names.

"momma why is my name violet?"

To which the mother replies "because when you were born an violet petal fell on your head"

The 2nd child says "momma why is my name rose?"

"because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."

"Eurggggg oooga ogog urgaaaa"

To which the mother replies "shut up cinderblock"

 

im back

God does it feel good to be back. so whatever became of my friend imaplank? I spose i will have to refrain from laughing at children being sexually abuse although i see it is ok to make fun of retarted children. sooo.

What is better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?
Not being retarted!

A retarted kid goes into a store and says to the clerk "heyyy ladyyyy....you got dog food." the lady says "no you are just going to eat it. bring your dog in and i will sell it to you." So the kid brings in his dog and she sells him the food. Same kid comes in the next day and says to the clerk "heyyyyy ladyyyy......you got cat food?" she says "no, your just going to eat it, bring your cat in and i will sell it to you." so he brings in his cat and she sells it to him. Next day the same kid comes in with a shoe-box with a hole cut in the top and says.."heyyyy ladyyyy...stick ur finga in dere"...."now pull it out and smell it.".....so she does as he says and says "jesus christ kid it smells like shit!" he says "yeah can i get some fuckin' toilet paper?!!"

 

1st Pole: "Oh, no! The cops are following us. Are their flashers on?
" 2nd Pole: "Yep ...nope...yep...nope..."

How does an African-American fairy tale start?
"You muthafuckers ain't gonna believe this shit...."

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.


One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the
birds and discovered that the cock was missing.


He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he
decided to question his parishioners in church.


During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got
a cock?"


All the men stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock?"

All the women stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody
seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up!


"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really
really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"


Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

 

What do you do when a retard throws a grenade at you

Take out the pin and throw it back!

 

Doctors can be ironic

"Mr John your results came back. And it seems that you need some rests to take care of your insomnia"

Lawyers can be ironic

"The judge said he's leniency depends on how trustworthy you are as a federal felon"

Supervisors can be down right ironic

"I am going to give you a lot of work to do. I like you better than others"

 

Forgive your enemies!

Toward the end of the church service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"


80% held up their hands.


The Minister then repeated his question.


All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.


Mrs. Johnson? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"


"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.


Mrs. Johnson, that is very unusual. How old are you?"


"Ninety-eight." she replied.


"Oh, Mrs. Johnson, would you please come down in front & tell
us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"


The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:



"It's quite simple really - I outlived the b!tches."

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Good one Microzoft. I'm glad you post your funny little jokes because they sure give me a laugh. Keep it up.

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not a joke but a limerick so here goes:

there was a young vampire called mable,
who's periods were incredibly stable,
by the light of a full moon,
with aid of a spoon,
she drank herself under the table.

------------------------

and this one:

there was a young man called dave,
who found a dead whore in a cave,
he said, i know its digusting,
but she only needs dusting,
and think of the money i'll save.

 

Things I think about

How do midgets use the public restrooms? I mean these guys are only as tall as the toilet bowl sometimes. Let’s say they are at a public event, do they bring their own stool? I have never seen a stool for midgets in any public lavatory.

If you received a medal of honor in the military and you later retire, can they still take it back if you commit a heinous crime after your retirement?

Experts will tell you never to run if a dog growls at you as it arouses contempt from the dog. To me, a dog growling at you already has contempt for you.

In a public place, get up and shout “quick, somebody suck my cock”

I’ve been sighting people with “human rights watch” on T-shirts lately. What about names like human road kill prevention, human stupidity witness, human turds and wastelands sanitation endeavors, human denial organization, human restlessness and dissatisfaction program, human mutual mutilation society, matrimonial union of human and animal advocates, or something a little more immediate like UN fund diversion watch.

If you drive 80 mph straight into a police station, what do you think will happen?

Lately, Putin has been scolding the United States for starting another cold war. How do we really know the war stopped in the first place? I mean, how do you stop a war whose premise is pretending there is no war?

At the annual G8 summit in Germany, protesters rioted and demanded stuff like global freedom of movement for all. I thought to myself for a sec, are these people fucking crazy? That’s a recipe for terrorism, corruption, theft and smuggling, and diseases.

Last week I was destroying something in my landlords apartment where I live in, something was getting in my way and destroying it was the only option. In what now seems like outright insanity, I went to my landlord and asked him for help in destroying this object. He replied “are you crazy?” Now that I think about it, asking him was real dumb

Poirot would have solved the whereabouts of Osama bin laden if he were real

Just things I think about when I'm in the bathroom, down time at work, subway, e.t.c

 

Spam

Man: You sit here, dear.
Wife: All right.
Man: Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Vikings: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife: I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

 

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Now stop this...

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It's silly.
​