And hello to, you my eastern European chum. Easy peasey lemon squeezy. Just head straight for The Gusset of Benghal - Croydon. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! If you're wondering where Croydon is, it's located within the temperate, equatorial zone of our fine sun blessed continent. Just turn left at the Halibut and keep on going until you can't find a parking space. They also do pet grooming. Very reasonably priced too.
Hello my British friend from lands where sun always shines and never sets, I am in USA right now but have to leave soon. My friend petrov was arrested by fascist american police for stealing big screen tv. He tried bribing them but he had not enough money on him. american pigs got upset and beat him with sticks. He now in hospital in light coma. i send a card. I afraid that Petrov my best friend will tell police about my passport. passport is real as is greencard but it is not me. we russians all look alike to americans. petrov has been long time in USA so he is a bit corrupted. I think he will try to get reduced sentence by ratting me out. is ok. he still my friend. So I fly to hamburg today. Is good because kebab in usa not good. they prefer hamburgers. yuck. I not eat hamburgers. kebab has real meat. I book ticket on internet and want special meal. but they don't have kebab as option. I get upset. I call airline and ask for special meal. I say i need kebab. they say they not have kebab. I get very angry. i shout i need kebab. it's transatlantic flight. i need kebab. she say no kebab. i want to punch her in face, but is telephone conversation so i cannot. and i want to be good man nowadays so i cannot punch people in face. I say i bring kebab myself then. she say i cannot. I say this is free country fascist pig. she says she has caller idea. I say what the **** is caller idea? you no speak english. she say she is calling police right now. I want to punch her in face, but i cannot, because i am on telephone conversation. and i want to be good man. cannot punch people in face anymore. is funny. then i notice i call wrong airline. i hang up and smile. don't want to punch people in face anymore. then i make call to real airline. they not have kebab either.
Oh, that is jolly appalling. I'm so sorry to hear. This is precisely why I always insist on travelling Business Class - they have roast boar and pheasant shooting y'know. Terribly useful on those long haul flights to Sidney or some such. Bag a pheasant whilst over France, by the time you're over Brisbane it's already hung long enough to be ready to eat by the time you've landed. Marvellous stuff. Goes maggoty y'know. Extra crispy meat that dances all by itself. Extraordinary what they can do with carcasses these days...
Hello my business class flying British friend, I have arrived in hamburg. flight was not good in economy class. i sat next to very fat man. he complaint many times about my farting and singing. i not understand. I tell him. drink vodka with me and sing! He not want to drink vodka with me. I tell him, why you not want to drink vodka with me. are you not my friend. he say i should not shout. he calls for flight girl. Flight girl comes and she ask me to keep it down. I say bring me more vodka and let's sing! she not make happy face. I say you not have happy face. you drink vodka with me and sit on my lap and we will sing together russian song. she tell me to be quiet. I'm starting to get upset and want to punch someone in face. but i try to be good man now so do not punch anyone in face. I say fine and go to toilet. I drink my own vodka there and sing! after 5 minutes they bang on door. I tell them to enter and sing with me! is flight girl again with pilot. he not looking happy. I tell him to drink vodka with me and sing. it will make you happy. not hang around with that bitch. she is not happy girl. He tell me to go to my seat and hand over my vodka! I say friend we share vodka. not necessary to get greedy. and then we can sing together. he say he convicate vodka. I say what? convicate? what's that? He tell me he is taking away my vodka till we land and I am not allowed to drink anymore. I ask this boy if i am allowed to sing? He say no. I not like this boy at all. I feel like I want to punch him in the face, but I am good man nowadays. I do not punch in face anymore. I say ok. I sit down next to fat men and make music by farting. I had many bad kebabs before i left. fat man not look happy.
Emmm.... Tab? He's not joking. Really. Never accuse a Russian of humour. They take it personally. Trust me. Oh jolly well done my fine old crumb, I'm pleased you've managed to finally arrive. Indeed, as you were saying only just with you're mouth. Travelling Economy, not the way to go. Now, if you'dve travelled either Business or Club like myself why they wouldn't even let you on the plane unless three sheets to the wind before sitting down. It's mandatory. and the felating that goes with it, absolutely top notch. I tell you, it's like a different world up there. Not unlike Hamburg, I think you'll find. You've have to excuse their taste in music but what those people don't know what to do with a pig carcass simply isn't worth not knowing. D'you know, for example, in Hamburg - instead of sending the under fives off to day care and pre-school - they send them off to state run Abattoirs to learn for themselves how to slaughter and cure their own meat. Usually with their bare little hands. It's true. Every Hambergian can gut and string their own sausage blind fold by the age of 7, usually using someone else's guts but not necessarily. They're a tough and resourcefully breed. Do make sure to tip generously when eating out and travelling by Taxi. Could be the last thing you never did otherwise. Very strong in the thighs the Germans. Awful thing to find out in a bad way. Do take particular care. Oh, and remember. Over there they call Vodka Schnapps. In fact they call all spirits, Schnapps. They insist upon it. It's not terribly wise to argue. As I say, very strong in the thighs. Horrendously so. And proud of it too. Even the men. Oh, and if your stuck for somewhere to stay for the night and happen to be passing Geldhoffen Straße, pop into the Käfer und Cribbage Spieler beer keller about half way down and say to the white haired man in the trench coat by the bar the following phrase: Sie mögen mein hübsches Kleid, freundliche Dame? It's terribly important you don't giggle. If he says "ja, Jungefrau" you're in. If not, he'll probably gut you like a fish so do be prepared to run terribly fast. Very powerful in the thigh is Clause, even for a German. Good luck. Keep us posted. Toodles. A Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Hello my British friend from land of fish and chips. hamburg very good city. many kebab places. kebab place is sign of civilisation! kebab invented by great many scientists and inventors. I am at train station and walk just one street away. I see many lovely ladies on street sidewalk and many stores with many plastic sausages on display and many leather items and metal rings. I think this is good! very civilized. Ladies look very good. lot of makeup and short skirts. and they all talk to me. they can see i am real man. many cheap hotels in street. very good. I go into bar and order schnapps! Bartender gives me schnapps! I am very happy. german people have big thighs as you said, and also like singing. Songs are weird because german is not a natural language like russian. German has to be forced out of people. Russian flows from mouth like river of pee flow from sausage after drinking all night. At airport I ask where bus is to city center to german man. He starts coughing and dying. I ask him are you alright? I hit him on back. He keeps coughing but then louder. Police come. I ask pigs why this man is coughing and dying. Police not smiling. the pig says that the man was not coughing and dying. I say he was. he was coughing and face turn all red. Pig says that man was just speaking german, because man not speak english. They do not look happy. I say german is not natural way to speak like Russian. They want to see passport. I feel like i could punch pig in face. I just arrived in germany and already they want bribe money. I slip 20 euros in passport and hand it over. He ask me what is this? I say what? This he says pointing at 20 euro. I grab passport from pig and put another 20 euro in it and give back to pig. Pig also looks very red in face. maybe all germans look red in face. I say, everything alright now yes? Pig takes 40 euro out of passport and gives to me and says something about german pigs being honest. I prepare to be beaten with police sticks by pigs. Is funny they look at passport and give back and tell me to not cause trouble. I wait till they start hitting me with stick but they not hit me. They point to sign of busstop. I not understand german pigs. maybe german pigs really rich and 40 euro is nothing to them. Then I go to center where trainstation is and have a kebab! And then i walk one street from trainstation and I see many lovely ladies on sidewalk. oh no. I already tell this story to you.
Y'know, I once had an almost exactly similar experience in Manchester one time. Extraordinary rum-to-do. I was asking this Mancunian chap for directions and, when he replied, I also automatically assumed that some form of medical attention was required. Lamentably they don't teach the Heimlich Manoeuvre over here, so somewhat unfortunately I was half way through performing a tracheotomy on the poor fellow with my trusty old fountain pen before realising he had actually just being mealy speaking. I say. Was my face ever red after that, I can tell you! Not as red as the other chaps, obviously. His was more sort of a bluey-crimson. Probably my fault. I did somewhat nick his carotid artery at the time. Well, I say nicked. Stabbed it, actually. Blood everywhere. Emergency Tracheotomy's. They don't generally teach them over here. Not my forté, must be said. Poor fellow died before the ambulance could arrive, or so I saw on the reconstruction they showed on Crime Watch a couple of months later. Awful business. Frightful. M'fountain pen's never worked again after that. Still besides m'self over it. Been in the family for generations.... Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
hello my British friend who is friendly and want to help people in land of rising sun and sin, I am sorry to hear of your loss of pen. Pens are good. Not as good as kebab of course because kebab tastes better. Not to worry about man not feeling well after you helped him. my grandmother used to say it is the thought that counts. She always wipe broom clean before hitting us with it. she was very considerate.
Ah, dear 'Babomatic. What would I do without you - always there with a considerate thought. You're a tonic. Extraordinary, really. I had a grandmother, y'know - marvellous woman. A bit butch but she'd give you the blouse off her back if you happened to be the gamekeeper. I never was, obviously. That was the gamekeepers job. Very fierce, territorial sort of chap. Used to urinate quite freely in public. Loved the smell of heather and toilet water. The taste too, by all accounts. Felled trees bare handed. Very gifted with the wood, according to grand-mama. Used to take her up the woods regularly, or so she'd say. For hours and hours and hours and hours at a time. How she used to love it, out there up against the trees.... Always used to bring a smile to her dear, wrinkled old face that did, recalling her days as a gel. Tell me old man. In Russia do they sayings such as: "Don't teach you're Grandmother to sucks eggs", that sort of kidney...?
