Is it worth it?

I am 19 years of age. For my entire life, until very recently, I was insulated from any kind of personal relationship with the vast majority of my peers. There were many reasons for this.

I spent the first 7 years of my life living in a run-down, barely standing, single-storied house in a small New Hampshire town, with a single mother (my parents had divorced when I was around 2, I think, but I'm not really sure) and two siblings.

I have always been introverted, being content mostly to watch from the sidelines as those around me conversed and interracted with one another, but I created a few friendships in those early years. Then my mother met my stepfather, and she was happy, and we were all happy for a while. Then we moved to Virginia Beach, not too far from Norfolk (my stepfather worked as a Marine Engineer on various merchant vessels before he met my mother, but by this time he was working in the ports on cranes), and at first it was difficult. Then I started making a small number of friends, who could of been close, but we ended up moving after only 8 months in the state, to New Jersey, where I now reside. I lost touch with everyone I had met, and once again I had to start from scratch. I was around 8 by this time, almost 9.

This time I caught on slowly, being insecure about the stability of our residence, so I made only one real friend, and he was it for the better part of 7 years. In my Sophomore year in High School I began to make more friends, close friends, and that was the first time I had ever found myself in any kind of real social circle. Even then, though, I hung around with very few people, even though I was well known in my High School and well liked. By my Senior year I had, by my estimation, just barely reached the normal existence of your average teenage boy. I had found the group of cohorts that most people seem to find years before then.

Through all this time, I had many crushes, but I was never involved in any kind of romantic relationship. In fact, I had very few relationships with the young women of my peer group at all, and the few that I did have, I never had the courage to initiate anything more than casual, and infrequent, conversation. I was alone, and lonely, and being a reasonably sensitive and emotionally aware individual I slowly became desperate for feminine affection. I never even had the courage to engage in something meaningless, however, and so I remained devoid of the appropriate experiences.

I had accepted my lot by the time that I entered college, fully aware that my romantic isolation could not, and would not, last forever if only for the grace of statisitical probability. I was convinced that I would not experience anything meaningful or even terribly enjoyable for many, many years, if ever.

Throughout my first semester at the local community college (University, I felt, was too expensive for one of little motivation) I engaged in the most intense crushes I had ever felt, but each one came to naught. By the beginning of my second semester, I was without hope. I was content to sit back, and watch life unfold as it would, floating along with the currents of apathy and squashed dreams.

I was wrong, though. Often times it seems as if, just when you give up things begin to move in favor of your desire and need, and this is what happened to me.

I had met her in the previous semester. She was crude (without lacking subtly, if you can figure that out), abrasive, consistently intoxicated, and highly promiscuous. She seemed malicious and conspiratorial, and generally to be the kind of person one should normally avoid intimate contacts with. I hated her.

But not for the reasons one might think.

I knew, the moment that I met her, that all of those things that everyone saw and despised where nothing but false. She was a different person underneath, and for some reason she was as transparent to me as a pane of glass to the sun. No one else saw it. No one who had the sneaking suspicion cared to act upon it. Everyone was content to hate her, to use her as the local scapegoat, to embody their lack of self-control in her, or to villify her every action no matter how mundane. Even when she showed kindness, people saw a plot to win your affections for later abuse. It was a grotesque spectacle, and it was exactly what she had wanted from the start.

And I knew it. I admit that I lacked the courage, on many occasions, to stand in her defence when it was necessary. I spoke ill of her on many occasions, and for that I have no way of paying. The reason why I hated her, though, was that she was so clearly and dramatically self-destructive. Everything she did was aimed at isolating herself from everyone around her and slowly degrading her emotional and physical health. I felt contempt, and occasionally pity, for her. I knew that she was suffering greatly underneath the flamboyant exterior, and I hated that she had no desire to eliminate her misery.

As the months dragged on, that hatred turned into something else. I felt for her. As I looked at her, the mask that she wore for everyone else began to melt before my eyes, but only before mine. She had developed a special attachment towards me from the beginning, and for some reason she sought my approval in everything she did. Instead of using that priviliege to hurt her further, I began to feel it was my duty to use it for her benefit. When she did something destructive to herself, I reprimanded or forgave her as it was appropriate for the situation. As time wore on further, that altruism (if I can call it that?) faded away and my attitude towards her underwent further transformation. I began to love her.

My own feelings of isolation and loneliness came into the equation, and very soon I had extracted from her ever guarded lips that she held feelings for me, and probably for much longer than I her. I was excited. She was excited. We jumped into the relationship head first, convinced that everything would be alright.

But everything was not alright.

For exactly 6 months our relationship was as happy as ever. We had some fights, she had some momentary lapses in her self-control, but we were generally the happiest couple we knew of. All of our other friends' relationships collapsed or wore out, and it felt as if we would endure above all others. We both had exactly what we needed. Her self-destructive tendencies were put aside, and I was opening up to the people around me.

On our 6 month anniversary, after coming home from dinner, she told me that we should break up. She insisted that it would only be temporary, because, she said, she couldn't really be without me. I asked her for a reason. She hesitated, and began to provide half-hearted responses (included in this was the warning that she would probably end up cheating on me if I didn't let her go). I broke down. She was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me, we had a good relationship. There was nothing wrong with it, and she was ending it out of fear.

She was afraid of the seriousness which we had embarked upon the relationship. We spoke of the future. Marriage. Kids. Growing old together. We were moving fast, and even though she felt as strongly for me as I felt for her, she wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility. I convinced her not to break up with me. Her emotions got the better of her, and she relented, taking it all back. The week goes by, and I'm worried now about her fidelity. Everything seems to go just fine, and I feel relieved. Eventually, I confront her with my suspicions and she admits to me that she was, in fact, intimate with another man. I had never been more hurt in my life.

But I forgive her immediately. We break up, but we are still friends. I'm depressed, but I'll live because implicit in the event is the promise that it's not over. Everyone agrees. What we have is indeed rare, and much to strong to end over this.

The very next time she sees me she begs me to take her back. She literally gets down on her knees, tears in her eyes, and begs me to forgive her (which I told her I already had) and take her back. She says she is ready to recommit to me fully on that very day. I tell her I need two weeks, and then we'll see. She agrees, solemnly. We wait.

Now, she is expessing doubts. She tells me that neither of us are mature enough for this relationship. She doesn't think we should get back together. Later, she says, when we've both grown up and can handle it. I tell her that maturity doesn't come on it's own. It's something that you develop into through your own efforts. I tell her, if we are going to be together we have to grow together, not apart. I tell her that she was right. We went too fast. I admit that I was clingy, I was smothering her. I tell her that she'll have the space she needs now because I am calming down from before. I tell her that we should take it slow this time, start over. She listens, but doesn't respond. After I'm finished trying to explain my position to her, we get off the phone.

I am going to try and convince her that working on this as a couple is the best course of action, that if we split it will end up being permanent, and that it'll be a step backward because we will both revert back to the way we were before. I don't know why I'm typing this up on here. It's way too much personal information, and because of that I'll probably be leaving Sciforums. I needed some kind of an outlet. I need some responses from people who don't know me, who don't have a preconceived notion of this relationship I am in. I just needed to get this out. Like I said, this will probably be my last thread on Sciforums. I will probably read the responses until I am satisfied, and then go. Whatever you want to say is fine. Say what you wish. Goodnight.

 

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Is it worth it? Hell no. Why not? Because of you even asking that question. The moment you have doubt is when you answer your own question. The moment each of you think you should break up is when you should. That's the exact moment it's all over, even if you try and work things out.

Dude, you're 19, dump her -- you also won't feel as bad when she winds up being the one to dump you. It's inevitable that it'll happen -- everything you say points to it. Heck, you wouldn't even have to say a thing other than state your two ages and I'd know.

You'll meet all kinds of better girls in college. You're only with her because you feel sorry for her -- it's splattered all over your post. Because you had a hard life that lacked love, you wanna now be the one who fixes that for someone else since nobody was there to fix it for you early on. That's all the relationship is -- one of pity and sympathy -- that's also why you crave a serious relationship at such a young age. She's not ready for anything serious, nor are you. You shouldn't be ready for all that seriouness for at least another 5 years -- heck, until you're finished with college at the very minimum.

Everything you say says that things aren't working out. Don't be upset because this relationship may have failed.. most do. Shit man, more than half the people in this country get divorced, and multiple times too, so that outta say it all right there. People go through all kinds of relationships and with you being 19, you have a few more to go. Just don't try and rush things wanting a family and all. That's all crap that happened decades ago. People these days wanna have fun longer and don't get serious until their 30's.

Yeah, I know you want someone to love because of how you grew up, but that's just acting like a little baby. You need to wake up. Go out with more girls and you'll get more lovin than you would with just one girl. College is the absolute worst time to try and get serious with someone.. and girls that age want to experiment a lot.. be spontaneous.. they wanna go out and try new things. That's when they'll drive you nuts making you make this kinda post that you did, especially if you want to get serious because it ain't gonna happen. Wanting to be attached and get all serious is the exact opposite of all that. Once you get older and find a girl who has done it all, then they'll be ready for commitment, but again, that won't be for another few years, minimum.

Most early-on youthful marriages fail for a reason. If you think just breaking up right now is bad, wait till you have a baby because you wanted to get serious at a young age yet wind up breaking up later due to the inevitable failing relationship so you not only have a baby with a mother that later dislikes you, but one you have to pay child support and other crap to which interferes with the rest of your future trying to start a new relationship -- now that's something to complain about, heh.

And yes, you can break up and still remain friends. There's not a girl I broke up with where we hated each other. I used to feel that'd be the only way because you may get jealous and all, but once you get over it and see how silly it all is, it's all good.

The moment one of you has doubt in each other and even talks about breaking up, that's the moment the relationship has ended, even if you may still be together. It's not worth putting up with all that bickering and crap. You'll just wind up not trusting each other.. no way is that worth it all. You can find a girl way better. That's what life is about. Try and find the perfect girl. And that's what girls do in college.

No offense, but I doubt she feels you're the perfect guy for her, nor do you feel the same of her. Once she finds a more experienced guy who has more money, has done more things, can help her do what she wants to do, she'll want that guy. Now all the faults you may have had in her, go find a girl that fills those gaps. There's hundreds of em, but for now it's college, have fun and ditch the seriousness.

And sorry that this post isn't very coherent as it's late and I wasn't even gonna post but I did, so this is all a lil messy. Hopefully you'll understand what I mean. Actually, you won't. That's what time and experience does otherwise you wouldn't be asking all of these questions and whatnot. You won't understand what I'm saying for another couple years once you've done more. Just trust everyone who are gonna respond cause they've been there, done that. Later you'll be giving similar advice and will see how silly all this was and what a waste of pain that chick was.

Don't deal with bullshit drama and stay happy, that's about it, otherwise you'll turn emo and wanna commit suicide and all that other crap. Relationships at a young age are so not worth it. Stay single and have lots more fun. Don't settle down till you're at least 25-30+. Friends are what you should be trying to acquire right now, not some chick to start a family with. Heck, and you'll prolly find a couple female friends with benefits too.

Hold out for the girl in her mid to late 20's who done it all to choose as the one you wanna settle down with. There's a reason why they call it settling down -- you gotta first do more things before you can come back down to settle down.. right now you're rushing things. You can't expect to pick some fresh, hyper, unexperienced girl to start a new life with cause she'll want so much more that you can't give her at your young age. Also since she's unexperienced thinking you're the perfect one for her, once her eyes are opened up to something else, she'll immediately want that other better thing. Get the chick who has done it all so that kinda crap won't happen otherwise you're gonna live a life of total frusteration with chicks wanting to go celebate and turn into a monk or something, heh. Young girls are like strippers -- they only exist to have fun with and that's it. If you try and have a relationship with them you're in for a world of hurt.

- N

 

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jaster, i have been through a similar situation in my past, and i also thought that "we will go back to who we were before"...i was wrong.

you see, everything you experience has an effect on you. if anything, a bit of your innocence regarding life has been taken away. it might hurt, but it is necessary in order for you to move on. you wont be the shy, insecure person you were before. nothing is wrong with you, you have learned from this experience.

i wont give you advice beyond this: do not base your definition of who you are on another person. if you do, you will be disappointed with who you become, 100% of the time.

 

Neildo,you make it all so general.There are lots of young women,who are ready for commitment...For example,I am ready. But after reading your post,I'm thinking that I am either too mature for my age or vice versa - a little child,who doesn't know anything about relationships...hmmmm...which is it..I bet I know your answer to that

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No, there are lots of young women who think they're ready for commitment; and the same in regards to young guys.

Stereotypes and generalizations exist for a reason -- more often than not, they're true. That doesn't mean there aren't exceptions to the rule as you seem to be.

Not to mention every girl I've been with has said what you've said and have hated being compared to others when in reality, they wound up being the exact same. Everyone wants to be unique, but in the end, most are the same. It's like rebels or people that hate going with the trend.. they wind up being the trend -- ala, the same. What was the phrase I heard back in high school from some chick... "it's trendy not being trendy".

Edit: And I just noticed that you're from Estonia, so I can't speak for you since you may have a different culture and lifestyle (which I still doubt is all that different), but I will make my generalizations for many of the kids in America.

Quoted for truth.

- N

 

ok..I can't argue with you..because,to be honest,I myself think that most women are bitches..but there are exceptions

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and i really hope you will find yours and the author of this topic will find his exception

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You are very articulate, Jaster Mereel.

 

Neener neener..

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- N

 

I too, was kind of struck by your articulateness. I really and sincerely enjoyed reading this post. Touched, really. And I have the feeling a lot of people here will identify with your story. Please don't leave.

As for the relationship, well, I'm only 22. But personally, I would never seriously date a girl who has cheated on one of her past partners because it's too risky. She cheated on you once. The second time will probably be easier for her. For me, that's where it starts and ends. I'm not sure what your tolerance for infidelity is. Apparently it's pretty high, since you described yourself as desperate for female attention and because you immediately forgave her. I guess that's where our values diverge. I have zero tolerance and empathy for cheats.

Part of the reason I was really touched by this post is because it kind of reminded me of myself growing up, always being a bit different. I still had friends and a decent enough life, but I was still depressed and lonely for a good amount of my adolescence. At times, my depression was great, and like many others, I contemplated suicide and would spend my time thinking of creative ways to kill myself.

Depression came and went, and I somehow thought I was wiser and more righteous than the people around me, but I also felt more compassionate understanding about other people who seemed to share the similar plight as I had. People only wanted to mock and judge, but I wanted to help and counsel people, because I felt I had something to offer.

And having that personality, I'd attract people who were like me. I'd try to help, console and cheer them on. "You can do it! Things are going to get better!" But the sad thing I learned is that I never helped any of these people. If you spend too much time and energy on these people, they will selfishly pull you down along with them. It's not really their fault. It's just that they're desperate. They can't even care about themselves.

My point is that perhaps you're doing the same as I did. You're sympathizing with someone who was (well, IS) in a pathetic state. Even though you love her and she may be a wonderful girl, she is and probably always will be FUCKED UP. In other words, she is a sinking ship you don't want to be on when she goes down. I know it sucks, because there are feelings involved, but from what I inferred from your descriptions of her, she seems to be the exact type of chick you want to avoid.

Sorry man. You'd better ditch her.

I do hope that you stay with Sciforums though.

 

So jaster, let me just say that you're being too sensitive and insecure. A certain level of sensitivity is alright. But don't mope. Love your fate, no matter what happens.

The girl is letting you down softly because she cares for your feelings. With such a bond, it's possible that the two of you will one day have lots of babies and a house on mars, but till then let her live her life and live your own. As Fromm says, that is the paradox of love: for two to become one, yet remain individuals.

BTW, I can relate to being so socially retarded. If this weren't Canada, I'd be gunned down by now for being such a dork.

 

Honestly? Its up to you. People can say that you have to ditch her because she cheated on you, or that you should give her a second chance, but, when it comes down to it, its your decision that really counts-only you know the actual situation that you are in because, however good an author you are, you cant put that down in writing.

Good luck on making the right decision

 

This is actually the most fascinating post I've read in awhile now. I find it directly relates to my post earlier dealing with a woman I met. I think everyone here got it right, I completely agree with francis.

 

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good for you,that i don't know what the word "neener" means

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Heh, a playful taunt. See? I toldja so.

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http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=neener

1. neener

(knee-nuhr) interj. An interjection typically used to taunt, ridicule, or boast.

"No thanks to you, but I was able to score the last tickets to the show tonight, and you're not going with me, so neener!"

- N

 

I love your post. Dude, you seem like a real sweety. I wish there were more men like you.
A friend of mine was in a similar predicament to yourself, where he just kept giving and giving. So i give you the same advice i gave him:-
If you love her, keep working on it. And draw the line. Make yourself a promise where you let her go. Maybe its at "if she cheats on me again". Maybe somewhere else. Sometimes it works. My parents got married at 19 and are still deeply in love. Myself, i'm 21 and the idea is still a bit scary, if not a little less so due to the fact my other half has a heart of gold. But if it doesn't work out, don't hate yourself. Don't ignore it either. Take what you have learnt, what you have felt, and use it. Life is still beautiful, just maybe it just needs a wash.
Anyway, just be you. Good luck

 

of course the other hand is that you might be too clingy she did try to get out of it and you did not let her you held on too tight and and prin liea so aptly put it "the tighter you squeeze the more sand slips through your fingers" sometimes if you love something you have to let it go this is a perfect example of course by now things have worked themseves out and will never repeat themselvees in the same way and you are now onto the problem of moving past the fear and suspision which you are doing at a pace to be expected but just for the record never never ever call the cops on her again

 

dude, thats like totally complicated.