Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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  1. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    1,838
    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench Talking........
    And one blonde says to the other, "Which do You think is farther
    away..........Florida or the moon?"

    The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can You see
    Florida...?????"
     
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  3. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it
    died.

    After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She Says,
    "What's the story?"

    He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

    She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

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  5. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    1,838
    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very Nicely if
    he could see her license.

    She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act Together.
    Just yesterday you take away my license and then Today you expect me to
    show it to you!"

    **

    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
    Another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
    get to the other side?"

    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and Shouts
    back, "You ARE on the other side."

    **

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said That her
    body hurt wherever she touched it.

    "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and Screamed,
    then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even More. She pushed her knee
    and screamed; likewise she Pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
    touched Made her scream.

    The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

    "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

    "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

    ***

    A highway patrolman pulled al ongside a speeding car on the Freeway.

    Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde Behind the
    wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious To his flashing
    lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his Window, turned on his
    bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

    "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

    **

    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
    said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were The
    first on the moon!"

    The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"

    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their Heads.
    "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said The
    Russian.

    To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're Going at
    night!"

    **

    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
    She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her Question
    was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your Name, can you hear
    it?"

    She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

    **

    FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two New dogs,
    and asked her what their names were. The blonde Responded by saying that
    one was named Rolex and one Was named Timex.

    Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like That?"

    "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're Watch dogs!"

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  7. Chatha big brown was screwed up Registered Senior Member

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    there is this organization called the G8 countries, supposedly the most developed countries in the world. Have you guys been to this countries? Its a represenation of the level of advancement we humans have, you be the judge.
     
  8. devils_reject Registered Senior Member

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    America wants to invade Iran for intent of defending themselves. Get that? Attacking someone because they plan on defending themself.

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  9. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    1,838
    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman
    walks into WalMart with her two kids in tow,
    screaming obscenities at them all the way
    through the entrance.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and
    welcome to Walmart .... Nice children you've got
    there - are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to
    say, "Hell no they ain't, you dumb shit. The
    oldest one, he be 9 and the younger one, she be
    7. Why the hell would you think they're
    twins?...... .. Do you really think they look
    alike?"

    "No actually", replies the greeter, "I just
    couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

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  10. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Dear Editor,

    I have been thinking for a long time about how we can save our
    struggling airline industry.

    1) Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first
    place.

    2) Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
    strippers! Heck, the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking.
    They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers
    would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere"
    going in the cabin.

    And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying
    again, hoping to see naked women.

    Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a
    salary, thus saving even more money. Heck, I suspect tips would be so
    good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick
    back 20% of their tips ...!

    Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing
    naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the
    airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win
    situation if we handle it right. It's a golden opportunity
    to turn a liability into an asset.

    Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?

    Why do I still have to do everything myself?

    Sincerely,

    Bill Clinton
     
  11. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
    other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
    he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
    "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
    and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
    see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
    the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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  12. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    1,838
    INDIAN ENGLISH

    An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview in England.

    Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a

    sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.

    The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun.

    I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink

    day."

    The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana,

    a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV.

    Last was the Indian: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone

    green green", I "pink" up the phone and I say "Yellow"

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  13. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    1,838
    WARNING!!!

    Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert
    and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

    Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

    The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles,
    cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and
    sleep with them.

    A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
    simply ask him home for "no strings attached" sex.

    Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will
    often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they
    would never normally be attracted to.

    After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
    what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
    that "something bad" occurred.

    At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings,
    in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

    In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
    referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after
    beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

    Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

    If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

    For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

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  14. Muslim Immortal Valued Senior Member

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    2,523
    at one time, me and my friends were parked up on this hill, smoking some weed, and we saw this man claiming over a fence and we thought what the hell is he doing, next minute you know he runs through the garden rips off the knickers of the washing line puts them in his pocket and runs off. Damn we were laughing so hard, I got a stomachache.

    You know why it was so funny? cos the house he stole the knickers from was our friends house, who was sitting in the car with us getting stoned. LMAO! I think it was his sisters knickers or something. absolutely hilarious!


    Another time, smoking skunk in the car parked up on this street, and my friend winks at me and says to me, "you look at that Blondie, in that house" and I am like "yeah man she is so hot oh yes check her out" and one of the friends that was sitting in the back was like "yeah I am getting horny she is really hot look at her move the car forward"

    Anyway, we started rolling the car forward, and he shouts from the back "you blind fuckers thats not a Blondie its a old man" but we know all along it was an old man.


    And another time, we picked some hot girls up from outside the club, they were tipsy and wanted a lift back to their city. Anyway, you offer them a lift back, we just wanted a shag (like you do) so we soon realized these bitch's were no game and were not going to fuck us, so I thought fuck this I tell my friend to pull off and let me drive.

    Anyway, I start driving and pretend there's something wrong with the car so I pull up, open the bonnet. And rip the spark plug wire out. So the car doesn't start.

    Anyway it was a secluded area, we started chatting to them told em out mates going to finish work at so, and so time. He will pick us up. So we waited for about 10 minutes, and I said "lets swap places over, let me sit in the back and you sit in the front with my friend" they go the message and we just started fucking, having a really great time, when this fucking bright light is being shined into the car, and tapping on the window.

    And it was a basted copper, pulled is asked the ages did Breathalyzer on us, he know the girls were like 20 but he was a jealous basted, he nicked us all saying the girls don't have ID and they might be under 16. And we spend a night in the cell. Anyway, they let us all out at the same time, we swapped numbers we met up again and finished it off. And get this, one of them girls was half-caste and she understood EVERYTHING we had said in Punjabi! all the things like "I am going to fuck that one, you fuck the other"

    Anyway, later on she told me it actually turned them on!


    Theres 100s of other strories I can't be asked though. the good old days those were.
     
  15. Chatha big brown was screwed up Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,867
    How many Olympians can jump higher than the moon? All, the moon can't jump

    What kind of music do ancient tribes like? Rock "n" roll

    Where do smart dogs refuse to shop? At flea markets
     
  16. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

    "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

    "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

    "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

    "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

    "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

    Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00, and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

    "I don't wake up until 7:00!"
     
  17. Chatha big brown was screwed up Registered Senior Member

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    1,867
    Hi my name is mark carragher I am going to show you how to make money in 3 minutes, call now for my video at 1800 GET FUCKED. I will show you proven secret techniques on how to double your wealth in 3 months.I have been in the business for years and in the goodness of my heart I will let you in. Just call.


    Are you a moron? If you need someone to beat the shit out of you we specialize in that area. call now for our specials, make sure you give the special coupon number I will be giving you in a minute. Our bashers are top rated and we promise no one will recognize you after our service. So if yo are tired of being called a moron call now and have your credit card ready. For a few penneys more you can ask for our special service, where our representaative thoroughly beats the shit out of your colon.Act now and we will give you free med care in any hospital of your choice.


    Before you cross train track, look left, right, and left again. Open your eyes and ears like a cayote, then cross when everything is okay. If you really think about it, its not hard to cross a train track. That is if you really, really, really, think about it. This message brought to you by the state departmrnt of train track deaths.

    Welcome to Biojuice,your choice for exellent bio-organic juice, what would you like?
    Yeah I'd like the vaginal juice for my son jason, I'd have the semen frosty, make sure thats 100%. And I'd have the human lactic acid for my wife, and an extra whale mucus shake for the family

    Congress should pass the meat ball act, where any corrup corporate chair person will be thrown from an airplane with no parachute but a helmet
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2006
  18. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,
    died and went to heaven.

    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man and your
    motorcycles have changed the world. Your reward is, you can hang out with
    anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and
    then said, "I want to hang out with God."

    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

    God recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the
    Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"

    Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

    God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's
    pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road!?!"

    Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the
    inventor of woman???"

    God said, "Ah, yes."

    "Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major
    design flaws in your invention:

    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
    5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!

    "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

    God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited
    for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

    "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
    according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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  19. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    1,838
    The doctor said,

    "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

    The bad news is that it will require castration.
    You have a very rare condition,
    which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
    creates one hell of a headache.

    The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
    for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
    20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
    person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
    suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

    Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
    shirt?"

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

    Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

    " Been in the business 60 years."

    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fits perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about
    some new underwear?"

    Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

    The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."

    Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
    old."

    The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
    press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
    hell of a headache."

    New suit - $400
    New shirt - $36
    New underwe ar - $6
    Second opinion - PRICELESS

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  20. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    1,838
    In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

    For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

    After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

    Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

    It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

    Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day:

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

    If you should inform about this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
     
  21. draqon Banned Banned

    Messages:
    35,006
    Microzoft you rock.
     
  22. RockNRollOnTheFloor Krista :] Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1
    A blonde was walking along when she came to a traintrack
    She sees a brunette jumping on the rails chanting
    "26.. 26.. 26..".
    The blonde, curious, starts to do the same thing.
    Then a train comes.
    The brunette jumps off the traintrack but the blonde doesn't.
    After the train has passed the brunette starts jumping on the rails again chanting
    "27.. 27.. 27.."
     
  23. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
    A: It's Braille for "suck here".

    Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
    A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

    Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
    A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

    Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
    A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

    Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
    A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

    ....Now, you know everything you need to know!

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