What makes you fall in love?

Discussion in 'Human Science' started by Treval, Jun 19, 2006.

  1. Treval Banned Banned

    Messages:
    51
    Hi everyone.

    I am having a serious problem with this really nice girl I know..

    Here's the situation:

    I have known her through the internet for six months now, so it's an internet relationship, yet we're very close. I live in Belgium. She's 17, I'm 22. She lives in Denmark. But, at this time she had a "boyfriend" who lives in America. After a month or two I showed my interest in her. She accepted it, and was surprised. She didn't know I fell for her. After this, we started being really intimate online, she got used to feeling and being very comfortable around me. She has told me she is interested in me, and wants to be more than friends. We started being intimate for almost every day since then, and it never stopped. A few times it turned into arousal. After a while she decided to break up with her "boyfriend", not telling him she wanted to meet me and get to know me, to see if we have a shot together. She also told me that maybe him being so far is kind of a "safety net" for her insecurity. Yes, she's a very, very insecure person. I trusted her in breaking up with him, and we continued our intimate relationship. Unfortunately I started showing her I was an angry guy 'cause I got pissed too fast at certain little things she was only meaning for teasing. So, I asked her another chance, she gave it to me. This last week, we started doing a "question game" where we ask ourselves personal questions while being intimate.
    Anyway, yesterday it went all nice, we were intimate, she told me she was really happy to see me so she could get to talk to me. etc. But, we were constantly being disturbed by her walking by father. So, I agreed to meet her later on that day, but she didn't talk to me for 6 hours.

    Finally I got to hear from her she had spent 2-3 hours on the phone (being manipulated, in my opinion) talking to her ex bf, now again bf. I don't know why she did this. She tells me it's because she really loves him. She's in love with him. But she's not in love with me. Now that really broke my heart..

    I don't know what makes people fall in love. What is it? What is this magical element that I don't have?

    I'll tell you what I think. I think it's because she almost always has to force communication with him, he makes himself very unavailable. This way, she has to actually -chase- him. And me, she knows she can get me anytime, and I appreciate her too much without her doing any effort. So I guess you agree with me on this, that it's not very attractive. I feel more like a puppy now. And I think she is too comfy being comfy around me, there isn't often arousal, or, not all the time. Sigh, this is so cliché.

    I don't know what to do anymore to win her back. Maybe if I make myself "valued" and make it hard for her to contact me, be less present? And maybe ask her for a reason to come visit her. This way, she would have to put effort in it. I think it has something to do with my value as a person. Or is it something she has to do? Love is a battlefield..


    Anyway, many thanks for your attention.
    Any thoughts on this are greatly appreciated..

    Treval
     
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  3. |2eptile Banned Banned

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    I personally don't believe in Internet Relationships, but that's just my personal opinion. Another opinion of mine is that it is just hard for somebody like her to keep a relationship going where she can't see or touch her partner. And what I mean by someone like her is someone who can easily have a REAL relationship, rather than an internet one. I think that the only way you are going to make this work is to make yourself more available... not available to talk, but available to be with. That's where the other dude prevails over you. I think that you two probably have a good connection if she dumped a boy freind in real life for you... but you waited too long to make the next step of meeting. If she agrees to meet you go for it... you're 22 you can make it happen more realistically than a 17 year old.
     
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  5. Treval Banned Banned

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    First: thanks for the reply, |2eptile.

    No, it was the American guy she dumped. She has seen me on camera though, many times, and spoken with each other on microphone.
    But what do you mean by being available to be with? I was with her a lot of time, and he wasn't.
     
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  7. Iristas Registered Member

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    18
    ok, so the problem is , you liked her, then she liked you, made you love her, but she did'nt go that far, and now there's another pirate at the horizeon right ? and you want the old times to come back, ore sumfingsumfing...
    I'm ,not going to get dseep on the internet, because of my experience, love does'nt care about anything, allthough it would help to see eachother in the flesh now and then (adds the hug-kiss-passion option, which is vital for girls, and everyone else in my opinion)
    uh, now there is the issue of girls braking up with boyfriends, (i dont know for boys, this, a girl told me) , after braking up, there is a certain period you go missing him, whatever you hated him for, there allways is a period of missing him, (if we don't go extreme). When a relation is shakling, we will need someone else for our comfort (note well, I'm a boy) I mean, that IF there is another person you get along with well, you might get a bit very close , ypu might get a bit very close anyway, even if there was no other boyfriend, but my point is this: after a long relation, when a girl dumps her boyfriend and immediatly starts with another one, the second one better give all he's got, or she will dump him in 2 weeks and get together with her boyfriend again (I saw it happen more than once)

    now I'll re-read the post =)

    (kerel, ik zit in dezelfde petoet, ze heeft al een vriend, "maar ik kan er toch ni aan doen da'k u zo tof vind" dus het is meestal wel zwaar voor haar ook, ik denk dat uw vriendin uit denemarken ook ni echt weet wie kiezen

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

    dus zorgen da gij den beteren zijt he, me belgische charmes lukt da wel,

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

    en ge zit nog altijd dichter =p)

    ok, so, she seems to be playing around with you, or thats how you feel, it should allways come from both sides, so a friend once told me you then should wait and force yourself not to make any contact untlill she dus (like send e-mail ore so), but you should watch out with that, 'couse this works when she really likes you, if she dous'nt
    and stops taking contact you will go hating yoursellf for messing up your last chance (though 2 is actually all you get, two chances, the rest are fake)

    so if u think its better to find a good reason to appologise for and kindly let her know you appreciate and like her attention, you could get her to know your better side, and meeting eachother in real allso gives a geat boost, for you never really are who you are on chat, chat is more like an uncencored version of yoursellf, in real, you will notice that a lot more factors cause some subkects to never make it in the conversation.

    I hope i managed to keep just a bit of structure in this post :s but I wish you all the best of luck, en ga der voor! ni pleujen!

    if you have any further questions, or more specific on what i just wrote, i will gladly answer. I'm not on this world for this long yet... nut I have eyes which i keep open, and life has'nt been throwing the easyest parts concernig 'love' towars me ... *sigh*

    glad to be of help if i was! bon chance!
     
  8. Treval Banned Banned

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    51
    She really likes me...we have/had a strong connection but, I'm just a little scared. I have not talked to her today until now and it's 1:20 am. I'm doing my best..=)
    Question: should I go online on MSN or is that a way of "contacting her first"?

    Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

    Treval
     
  9. c'est moi all is energy and entropy Registered Senior Member

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    583
    Ignore her.

    IT will work. Believe me.
     
  10. cato less hate, more science Registered Senior Member

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    2,959
    lol....c'est....

    if you can't physically be together, it will never work. bottom line.
     
  11. |2eptile Banned Banned

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    Ok, so the problem is I forgot while reading it that it was a long distance relationship with the american dude as well. So I guess what I need to know is has he ever met her in person? And what I mean by being available to be with is available in person. You REALLY do need to actually meet her. The other dude doesn't have that edge over you because like I said somehow I missed the part that he was from America and she was from Denmark... so scratch that point. I'm going to agree with the other guys. If she feels the same connection to you that you feel to her, then she will come back. The best thing is to let her realize what she is missing. And if the American dude still doesn't make himself available to her like you did, she will come back to you. I guess the only thing you really need to watch out for is if the American dude starts being online as much as you are. Its hard online because in real life you could really make your presence known by showing up to places she usually goes and blah blah blah. But on the internet she has to go online in order for you to even be noticed (unless of course you call her). I'm gonna say ignore her, but if she writes to you, write back. Not making the first move is one thing, but if you ignore her while she tries to make contact with you she might give up.
     
  12. PsychoticEpisode It is very dry in here today Valued Senior Member

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    C'mon people, it's the friggin' internet for Christ's sake. Those two know as much about love as Paul McCartney knows about hunting seals. All this talk about internet intimacy is giving cybersex a bad name. Look Treval, if you need to find a lover on the internet then you're either desperate, insecure, or perverted. Your hand needs a break, get out there and find something a little more squeezable. Your 17 year old dreamgirl is probably a horny 80 year old grandmother having some fun. Its the bloody internet man, grow up! This isn't love, its infatuation with a mysterious woman(could even be a guy)....don't waste time preparing for a big disappointnent. Give your head a shake, snap out of it loverboy. You need to get laid.
     
  13. |2eptile Banned Banned

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    You could just say that you don't believe in/agree with internet relationships like I did instead of insulting him. And like you said, its the internet, chances are you're the one who needs to get laid. We will never know so you might as well not make assumptions.
     
  14. Treval Banned Banned

    Messages:
    51
    Hello all. =)

    Got some news. She has thought about it as I can read on a journal online of hers. I quote:
    As for |2eptile:
    No, he hasn't met her in person.
    As you can see in the quotes of hers above she has realised what you just said. She seems to realise a relationship is not possible if you can't physically be together.

    So, I'm going to wait for her to contact me. That's indeed the best thing to do. Being honest with her and telling her I want a physical relationship with her..no strings attached. I think if she realises she can have a physical relationship with me she will choose for me. Anyway, I need to meet her asap. At least straightforward is a good thing. =)

    One thing remains floating in my mind though, and I think Iristas is right about that point:
    You see, what made her give up on me in the first place? I have been close with her, been a lot available to talk, been honest, shared thoughts and feelings..yet there is one thing that made her come back to him.

    I wonder what it was. =)

    Treval
     
  15. Iristas Registered Member

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    hehe, looks like that's going to work... didn't know though she was posting her feelings on a forum... that's kinda...well, I would'nt go posting it all around, but i guess thats just me.
    as for psychoticepisode, when the phone and webcam came on, i personally discarded the idea of an 80 year old granny to have some fun... as an 80 year old, you gotta know a hell lot of cinema techniques to get a 17 year old girl talking on the screen, and haveing a conversation... and no, no grnadchild would do this fazvour to her granny.

    so... msn is ok, if she starts talking to you, and then get together asap (dan wete eindelijk welk vlees ge in de kuip hebt)

    greets, goodluck
     
  16. Treval Banned Banned

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    Little dilemma here.
    I want to meet her ASAP but I'm gonna have to work this summerjob until end june. Then she has school...and is not free. Only in october, which I think is way too far. I would also need enough money to dress well, smell well..etc. The works. What should I do...
     
  17. |2eptile Banned Banned

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    Well it depends... if you're interested in seeing her for like a weekend just to keep her content then you could do it when you have a few days off. If you don't have a few days off then she won't have school on the weekends and when your summer job is done you could see her briefly. Its better than not seeing her at all until october.
     
  18. Treval Banned Banned

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    Ok she's thinking. Btw I forgot about august, I could visit her a whole month then. -hehs-. Anyway, I quote her today:
    What am I gonna do, what am I gonna do...reply in her journal and give her advice?
    Or leave her alone until she e-mails me? (it's been two days now, no cigar yet, probably because she's still deciding)

    Any advice is greatly appreciated (for her too..).

    Treval
     
  19. |2eptile Banned Banned

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    I'd wait for her to contact you (going on MSN is fine). I don't think its that bad of an idea to just say hi if you see her online and see where the conversation takes you from there, but others would disagree with me. Just if you are going to talk to her, don't be too direct about anything. And if the subject of the other dude comes up tell her to be realistic and that there is no way that someone from America will be able to see her as much as you will be able to.
     
  20. Treval Banned Banned

    Messages:
    51
    Well I've talked to her now. Been cold and distant, but not totally non-responsive. I replied to her sentences and questions. Then she felt like stopping to talk to me but I said no. Well we're very close so I guess this might turn out well. She's gone to see a movie now and we'll talk later this time. What I'm going to do is, be straight about my sexuality to her. Which is tell her literally, I want to kiss her, and make love to her, and meet her and be with her. I think it's what she needs. Of course anyone may say otherwise. But if I say it to her it will be too late. -hehs a bit-

    Treval
     
  21. Treval Banned Banned

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    News!
    The situation is going very good. =)
     
  22. |2eptile Banned Banned

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    Happy to hear it man.
     
  23. perplexity Banned Banned

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    The questions remains, why look for love on the internet, why fall in love online?

    What does this tell you about the person in question?

    The need arose because what was so wrong with the World offline?

    Be realistic.

    Relationships on the internet are not totally devoid of merit, but how much do you know of someone after a few hous of online chat as compared to a few minutes face to face, in the flesh? Apart from anything else it is hard work to be sat there tapping at a keyboard when there might have been time for a hug or a kiss instead.

    It was long before the advent of the internet, but my marriage of many years now began because of a long distance communication, letters exchanged internationally, so I know a bit about the syndrome. The truth is that I was desperate, willing to settle for just about anything on offer and it has taken the two of us a long time since, with a lot of trouble involved to realise the fruit of the desperation. As the seed is sown, so the fruit will grow. A broken heart may cripple for a lifetime or more, just as would a broken limb.

    There is a value to suffering, as a lesson to learn, not without a benefit, and not one to be ungrateful for, but would I do it the same way over again, with the choice and the hindsight?

    No I would not. I would have sorted myself out and got the act together before I would crave a relationship with somebody else to make up for my own inadequacy.

    Take care. It is tough and rough out there at times.

    --- Ron.
     

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