"The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..."

"WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue."

"Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though."

"Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!"

"Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue..."

"Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)"

"General Failure's Fault. Not Yours."

"Hit any user to continue."

"Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying."

"Smash forehead on keyboard to continue."

"Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe Halted."

=================================
hey everyone else, add what you find

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle. If you have one of the Newcastle editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen. It reads "Windaz 98" with a background picture of a Brown Ale bottle superimposed on a photograph of the Tyne Bridge. It is shipped with the Brown Ale screen saver.

Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled 'shite'
Dialup Networking is called 'me mates'
Control Panel is known as 'how te fook aboot wi the settins'
The Hard Drive is referred to as 'Big disk'

Other Features:
OK = alreet
cancel = fook that
yes = aye
no = nee fookin' chance
find = gan gerit ya fooking sel'
goto = owa there
help = ah cannit dee it
stop = divvent move
start = hadaway and shite
settings = settins
programs = stuff that daes stuff
personal folder = me shite

Also note that Windaz 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Windaz 98:
tiperita = a word processor
cullarin book = a graphics package
addin masheen = calculator
tunes = CD player
dole = accounting software
toon = a spreadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores
bevvy = local off-licences by postcode and price of Brown Ale
porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer

We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the
Newcastle edition.
You may return it to Microsoft for an immediate replacement.

Your last post is hilarious.

I agree with Joeman, that was rich...

Any more?

Any more? whenever I'll find smth, I'll put it here. The idea was tht not only I one contributed to this thread. Show me what you've got;)

If I ever find it, I have a great one about tech support personel and some of their encounters...

Windaz98...great post!!! :cool:

Among some of the stories told from tech support people…

Receiving a phone call for help, the tech answered, “What can I do for you?”

The answer was, “I keep seeing this ‘hit any key’ being displayed on the screen. I’ve hit every key on my ring and it still hasn’t changed…”

Receiving a phone call for help, the tech answered, “What can I do for you?”

“I am having troubles with the foot pedal to my computer. How do I use it?”
Tech: “What foot pedal? Did it come with your computer?”

“Yes, it came wrapped in plastic. Every time I put my foot on it in moves away.”
Tech: “What does it look like?”
“ It is a beige color and has two buttons for my toes.”
Tech:…laughter in the background…

Receiving a phone call for help, the tech answered, “What can I do for you?”
“I see this message on the computer that says, ‘Insert disk and close the door’ It doesn’t do anything.”
Tech, “I see, would you try it again and describe what you are doing?”
“Alright, I am putting the disk in.” There is a pause and the sound of footsteps. In the background he can hear the door shutting….

Receiving a phone call for help, the tech answered, “What can I do for you?”
“My cup holder broke. How do I get it fixed?”
Tech, “Is this some promotion that was sold with your computer? Did it come on the computer?”
“Yes, it came with my computer. I missed with the coffee cup and broke it off.”
Tech, “Please describe this cup holder.”
Well, it is in the machine and when I push this little button it slides out. It has a hole for my coffee cup in the center.”
Tech: (snickering) “That sir is your cd rom tray.”

“Yes, it came wrapped in plastic. Every time I put my foot on it in moves away.”
Tech: “What does it look like?”
“ It is a beige color and has two buttons for my toes.”
Tech:…laughter in the background… THIS IS GREAT!:D

the last one is CLASSIC, I like it very much.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the floor:

"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
------------------------------
A software engineer wrote:

Subject: Failed Upgrade
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drink 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error: "General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Uninstallation will abort." Can you help me, please?

Here was the reply from Tech Support:

Re: Failed Upgrade
This is a very common problem among men, but it is due mostly to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/ Child Support;" this was given to you at time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5. Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Recent surveys show add-ons like Visual Dress 2.0, Diamond Necklace 3.0, and A Quick Tour To Temple 1.0 are the best Third Party tools supported by Wife 1.0 to allow it to run smoothly and effectively.
Best of luck!

There are 10 types of people in the world!

Those who know binary and those who don't.

Take care :D

Thanx Chagur,

I had not heard that one before...

One of the few jokes I can think of that need to be written rather
than spoken. Maybe that's why I remembered it.

Consider it payback for many jokes of yours that I've enjoyed.

Take care :)

The next time someone calls you to fix a computer problem, very solemnly tell them that it is a "Eye dee ten tee" error. After you fix it ask them to write down the error name "Eye dee ten tee"


IDIOT

SPIDER 189

Welcome to sciforums, spider189.

I will remember that one, there is always that one that asks for help...

:D :D :D :D :D :D

ROFLMAO!!!! Absolutely LOVE the Newcastle one! and the mouse Balls? *bursts out laughing again*

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A: The warning label.

One Liners:
-> I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
-> "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
-> The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
-> C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
-> We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
-> Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
-> Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
-> I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
-> He who laughs last thinks slowest!
-> Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-> Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
-> There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
-> Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
-> Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
-> Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
-> Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
-> Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
-> Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
-> I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
-> Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
-> Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
-> When there's a will, I want to be in it.
-> Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
-> We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
-> "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Alright, here's a poem I found, you read it like you would read Edgar Allan Poe's poem "The Raven". It's not that funny, but I liked it :p :)

Abort, Retry, Ignore
--------------------

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data-- Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

i dunno if anyone has written this one yet.. but

What does a computer and air condtioning have in common?

They dont work if you have windows open!

(yes, kinda lame.. but i laughed at it :bugeye: )

lol@ Zxanth..Zxthna...great name! :D I can't pronounce it, and I can't spell it. Cool! :cool:

http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk/humor-site/humor-index.htm

From that site, and I believe it to be a true response (sans finger) as I used to work in DEC support at Basingstoke,

DEC SOFTWARE PROBLEM REPORT RESPONSE


SPR NUMBER: 11-60903

ANSWER CATEGORY: UE
MAINTENANCE HOURS: 1
DUPLICATE PROBLEM: N
DUPLICATE SPR NUMBER(S):

OPERATING SYSTEM: VAX/VMS
O.S. VERSION: V3.2
PRODUCT: VAX/VMS
PRODUCT VERSION: V3.2
COMPONENT: Run-Time Library
SUB-COMPONENT: LIB$ routines

DATE ANSWERED: 13-Oct-1983

MAINTAINER: Stanley Rabinowitz

ATTACHMENT: N

PUBLICATION INSTRUCTIONS: N

SPR PROBLEM ABSTRACT: User claims year 2000 should not be a leap year.

TITLE: -
PUBLICATIONS: -
ADDITIONAL O.S. VERSIONS:
ADDITIONAL PRODUCT VERSIONS:
COMPONENT SEQUENCE NUMBER:
SUPERSEDES:
TYPE OF ARTICLE:

ANSWER CATEGORIES

CG=1=CORRECTION GIVEN RS=5=RESTRICTION SG=9=SUGGESTION
FN=2=FIXED IN NEXT RELEASE CS=6=CUSTOMER SUPPORTED IQ=10=INQUIRY
DE=3=DOCUMENTATION ERROR NR=7=NON-REPRODUCIBLE HW=11=HARDWARE
UE=4=USER ERROR II=8=INSUFFICIENT INFORMATION

TYPE OF ARTICLE

F=OPTIONAL FEATURE PATCH N=NOTE
M=MANDATORY PATCH R=RESTRICTION

FOR MAINTENANCE USE

D I G I T A L

SPR ANSWER FORM

SPR NO. 11-60903


SYSTEM VERSION PRODUCT VERSION COMPONENT
SOFTWARE: VAX/VMS V3.2 VAX/VMS V3.2 Run-Time Library

PROBLEM:

The LIB$DAY Run-Time Library service "incorrectly" assumes the year 2000 is a
leap year.


RESPONSE:

Thank you for your forward-looking SPR.

Various system services, such as SYS$ASCTIM assume that the year 2000 will be a leap year. Although one can never be sure of what will happen at some future time, there is strong historical precedent for presuming that the present Gregorian calendar will still be in affect by the year 2000. Since we also hope that VMS will still be around by then, we have chosen to adhere to these precedents.

The purpose of a calendar is to reckon time in advance, to show how many days have to elapse until a certain event takes place in the future, such as the harvest or the release of VMS V6. The earliest calendars, naturally, were crude and tended to be based upon the seasons or the lunar cycle.

The calendar of the Assyrians, for example, was based upon the phases of the moon. They knew that a lunation (the time from one full moon to the next) was 29 1/2 days long, so their lunar year had a duration of 354 days. This fell short of the solar year by about 11 days. The exact time for the solar year is approximately 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes, and 46 seconds. After 3 years, such a lunar calendar would be off by a whole month, so the Assyrians added an extra month from time to time to keep their calendar in synchronization with the seasons.

The best approximation that was possible in antiquity was a 19-year period, with 7 of these 19 years having 13 months (leap months). This scheme was adopted as the basis for the religious calendar used by the Jews. The Arabs also used this calendar until Mohammed forbade shifting from 12 months to 13 months.

When Rome emerged as a world power, the difficulties of making a calendar were well known, but the Romans complicated their lives because of their superstition that even numbers were unlucky. Hence their months were 29 or 31 days long, with the exception of February, which had 28 days. Every second year, the Roman calendar included an extra month called Mercedonius of 22 or 23 days to keep up with the solar year.

Even this algorithm was very poor, so that in 45 BC, Caesar, advised by the astronomer Sosigenes, ordered a sweeping reform. By imperial decree, one year was made 445 days long to bring the calendar back in step with the seasons. The new calendar, similar to the one we now use was called the Julian calendar (named after Julius Caesar). It's months were 30 or 31 days in length and every fourth year was made a leap year (having 366 days). Caesar also decreed that the year would start with the first of January, not the vernal equinox in late March.

Caesar's year was 11 1/2 minutes short of the calculations recommended by Sosigenes and eventually the date of the vernal equinox began to drift. Roger Bacon became alarmed and sent a note to Pope Clement IV, who apparently was not impressed. Pope Sixtus IV later became convinced that another reform was needed and called the German astronomer, Regiomontanus, to Rome to advise him. Unfortunately, Regiomontanus died of the plague shortly thereafter and the plans died as well.

In 1545, the Council of Trent authorized Pope Gregory XIII to reform the calendar once more. Most of the mathematical work was done by Father Christopher Clavius, S.J. The immediate correction that was adopted was that Thursday, October 4, 1582 was to be the last day of the Julian calendar. The next day was Friday, with the date of October 15. For long range accuracy, a formula suggested by the Vatican librarian Aloysius Giglio was adopted. It said that every fourth year is a leap year except for century years that are not divisible by 400. Thus 1700, 1800 and 1900 would not be leap years, but 2000 would be a leap year since 2000 is divisible by 400. This rule eliminates 3 leap years every 4 centuries, making the calendar sufficiently correct for most ordinary purposes. This calendar is known as the Gregorian calendar and is the one that we now use today. It is interesting to note that in 1582, all the Protestant princes ignored the papal decree and so many countries continued to use the Julian calendar until either 1698 or 1752. In Russia, it needed the revolution to introduce the Gregorian calendar in 1918.

This explains why VMS chooses to treat the year 2000 as a leap year.

Despite the great accuracy of the Gregorian calendar, it still falls behind very slightly every few years. If you are very concerned about this problem, we suggest that you tune in short wave radio station WWV, which broadcasts official time signals for use in the United States. About once every 3 years, they declare a leap second at which time you should be careful to adjust your system clock. If you have trouble picking up their signals, we suggest you purchase an atomic clock (not manufactured by Digital and not a VAX option at this time).

END OF SPR RESPONSE




VMS VERSION 4.1: (An official DEC memo)

Please stop submitting SPR's. This is our system. We designed it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective as you think it could be, TOUGH. Give it back, we don't need you. See figure 1.

--------------------------
| _ |
| { } |
| | | !
| | | |
| .-.| |.-. |
| .-| | | |.-. |
| | | | ; |
| \ ; |
| \ ; |
| | : |
| | | |
| | | |
| |
--------------------------
Figure 1...

Forget about your silly problems, let's take a look at some of the features of the VMS operating system.

1) Options. We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you need two strong people to carry the documentation around. So many that it will be a cold day in hell before half of them are used. So many that you are probably not going to do your work right anyway. however, the number of options isn't all that important, because we picked some interesting values for the options and called them...

2) Defaults. We put a lot of thought into our defaults. We like them. If we didn't, we would have made something else be the default. So keep your cotten-picking hands off our defaults. Don't touch. Consider them mandatory. "Mandatory defaults" has a nice ring to it. Change them and your system crashes, tough. See figure 1.

3) Language Processors. They work just fine. They take in source, and often produce object files as a reward for your efforts. You don't like the code? Too bad! You can even try to call operating system services from them. For any that you can't, use the assembler like we do. We spoke to the language processor developers about this, they think a lot like we do. They said "See figure 1".

4) Debuggers. We've got debuggers, one we support and one we use. You shouldn't make mistakes anyway, it is a waste of time. We don't want to hear anything about debuggers, we're not interested. See figure 1.

5) Error logging. Ignore it. Why give yourself an ulcer? You don't want to give us the machine to get the problem fixed and we probably can't do it anyway. Oh, and if something breaks between 17:00 and18:00 or 9:30 and 10:30 or 11:30 and 13:30 or 14:30 and 15:30 don't waste your time calling us, we're out. See figure 1.

6) Command Language. We designed it ourselves, it's perfect. We like it so much we put our name on it, DCL - Digital's Command Language. In fact we're so happy with it, we designed it once for each of our operating systems. We even try to keep it the same from release to release, sometimes we blow it though. See figure 1.

7) Real Time Performance. We got it. Who else could have done such a good job? So the system seems sluggish with all those priority18 processes, no problem, just make them priority one. Anyway, realtime isn't important anymore like it used to be. We changed our groups name to get rid of the word realtime, we told all our realtime users to see figure 1 a long time ago.

In conclusion, stuff your SPR. Love VMS or leave it, but DON'T complain.


NOW THAT COMPAQ OWN DEC ....

Compaq documentation appears to prefer diagrams to text - so the new version would be:

1.REGARDING PROBLEMS
See figure 1.


--------------------------
| _ |
| { } |
| | | !
| | | |
| .-.| |.-. |
| .-| | | |.-. |
| | | | ; |
| \ ; |
| \ ; |
| | : |
| | | |
| | | |
| |
--------------------------
Figure 1...


2. REGARDING VMS

Never heard of it. We only sell industry-standard items i.e. Windows on Intel PC

See figure 1.

I don't get it... :(

Not really computer humor but still nerd humor:

http://quark.physics.uwo.ca/~harwood/humor14.html


"Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User."

Originally posted by %BlueSoulRobot%
I don't get it... :(

Woops, forgot about this. The ascii art was a one finger salute. It rendered OK on 'previw post'. Thought it came out OK.

Some of these are dumb.. but.. they still made me laugh...
_________________________________________________
Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:

January, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y-to-K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.

________________________________________________

Computer humour

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

A computer's attention span is only as long as its extension cord.

A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?

A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?

A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.

AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.

ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.

All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert

Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?

Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?

Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein

Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.

C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.

C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.

Hackers have kernel knowledge.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Honey, I Formatted the Kid!

I am the computer your mother warned you about.

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

Famous last words: I just found the last bug.

Famous last words: This time it will surely run.

I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.

IBM: Idealistically Backwards Microcomputers

IBM: Idiots Built Me

IBM: In Business (for) Money

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

"It said, ""Insert disk #3,"" but only two will fit!"

MC Hammer, n. Device used to ensure firm seating of MicroChannel boards

Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix.

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

Microsoft- where do you want your money to go today

Microsoft- you will be assimilated

Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...

My computer NEVER cras

Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt

Never write software that patronizes the user.

One picture is worth 128K words.

Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!

REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe......

REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?

Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)

Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.

SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.

Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...

The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!

The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.

The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.

USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.

Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?

Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!

Windows- a 32bit extension and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor written by a 2 bit company that cant stand 1 bit of competition

WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...

WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

You have junk mail.

You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.

You might have mail.

ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely

(Douglas) Hofstadter's law: Any computer project will take twice as long as you think it will even when you take into account Hofstadter's law.

Ahh...I get it now :)

LOL! :D

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow
down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate



Reply...

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband
1.0 is an operation system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED

ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files and
has been
known to upgrade itself automatically.

Whatever you do, DO NOT reinstall another Boyfriend program. This is not a
supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0
is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.


Good Luck,
Tech Support

nightfall,

That was halarious!