Jokes and Funny Stories

Never Satisfied

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when
they see a five-story hotel with a sign that
reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without
their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to
go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains
to them how it works.

"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor,
and once you find what you are looking for, you
can stay there. It's easy to decide since each
floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up, and on the first floor
the sign reads, "All the men here have it short
and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation
move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the
men here have it long and thin." Still, this
isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
up.

They reach the third floor, where the sign
reads, "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing
there are still two floors left, they continued
up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All
the men here have it long and thick." The women
get all excited and are going in when they realize
that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the
fifth floor.

On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads,
"There are no men here. This floor was built
only to prove that there is no way to please
a woman."

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

^^

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

Ok, that's funny.

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

Hit's the spot doesn't it?

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

A Minister, a Priest and a Rabbi are driving to a meeting.
As they pass a small group of preteen boys playing on the street side,
the Minister says, "What a darling group of young boys."
The Priest then says, "Oh, yes, lets stop an f**k them."
The Rabbi says, "Out of what?'

 

you're so weird.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

something like that

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

...pot...kettle...black...

WIINK! -...do not know proper use of round colored things...cannot wiink with just one eye...

 

hahahaha!

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

there is a 'smiley/emoticon' box to the right of this text box, if you click on 'go advanced' at the bottom, before you start typing text into the box here.
that's a horribly constructed sentence ^^ ... forgive me.

 

...no transgression...no forgiveness

 

Q:What is the difference between a cockroach and a politician?
A: You can kill the cockroach.

 

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

 

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

 

Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?

A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.

 

Q: What is the definition of a "lucky break"?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

A: There was an empty seat.

 

Q. What is the difference between a Dead Lawyer lying on the road and a Dead Rattlesnake lying on the road?

A. The skid marks before the Rattlesnake.
----------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the difference between a Lawyer and a Carp?

A. One is a Bottom-Dwelling Scum-Sucker and the other is a Fish.

 

THE OSTRICH !
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

THE OSTRICH joke is one of the best.

Only improvement would be for the start of the punch line to be: "My second wish was for a constant companion who was ...."

 

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

But what would he have got then? Some sort of parasite? Or a dog, which would definitely be better than an ostrich.