Is trust earned or learned?

Discussion in 'Human Science' started by wegs, Aug 13, 2013.

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  1. Robittybob1

    Robittybob1 Banned Banned

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    Did you swallow the dictionary? Bloviate? What does that mean?
    "blo·vi·ate
    /ˈblōvēˌāt/
    Verb
    Talk at length, esp. in an inflated or empty way."

    I think you coughed up the wrong word there!
     
    Robittybob1, Aug 27, 2013
    #181

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  3. Robittybob1

    Robittybob1 Banned Banned

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    Well was that list of complaints personal or not? Tell the truth and I will stop.
     
    Robittybob1, Aug 27, 2013
    #182

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  5. wegs

    wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    Not personal to you, no. I broke up not too long ago with a colossal asshole.
    That's what the thread is basically about, how he hurt me, and how to regain trust.

    I don't appreciate your assertions, and I would like you to stop. If you want to participate in the thread, you're welcome to. But, play nice.
     
    wegs, Aug 27, 2013
    #183

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  7. wegs

    wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    This is good insight, river. Sorry I didn't answer, earlier. The truth is...we are all works in progress...I'm not easy to get close to. I have a lot of great friends, but as far as men, I'm not easy. So, I know that about myself. But, when I finally let my guard down, and someone tramples over my trust, it makes trusting that next person, that much harder. I'm trying.

    The thing is, it was not a swift breakup. It was one of those...on/off/on/off again type of things...and I knew he wasn't healthy for me. So, you keep giving someone chance after chance, and they keep taking advantage. So, you get a bit wary and cold...for the next person.

    I'm trying. lol

    Anyways, thanks for your thoughts.

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    wegs, Aug 27, 2013
    #184
  8. Robittybob1

    Robittybob1 Banned Banned

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    I'll be nice OK.
    Please wegs, it might not feel like it right now, but I think I have helped you today. Your past troubles are affecting the way you approach relationships today. As soon as you say "I don't trust that person", it wasn't because he broke your trust, but you seem to confuse other things with trust. In a relationship you are going to have arguments but you have got to have a way of dealing with them, you can't just say, "you've broken my trust, it's finished".
    There was an article in the paper here today about how this couple remained in a good relationship for 60? years (a long time), they argued but solved their issues. They didn't just run away.
    I wonder if I could link it, but you should know how it is.
     
    Robittybob1, Aug 27, 2013
    #185
  9. wegs

    wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    Well, when I lose trust, I feel it's for good reason.
    But, the one thing I'll grant you. I don't know how to resolve conflict. I don't like arguing...so, I just say bye. It's the one thing that if I had a magic wand, I'd change.

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    Is conflict a necessary part of ALL relationships?

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    wegs, Aug 27, 2013
    #186
  10. wegs

    wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    wegs, Aug 27, 2013
    #187
  11. Robittybob1

    Robittybob1 Banned Banned

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    Thanks wegs, I personally wish conflict wasn't part of a relationship. OK let me bloviate a bit, I was in a relationship where I wasn't allowed to have conflict.
    It was "you can come along in this relationship and enjoy the lifestyle", any suggestion I made was just wrong, and I was not able to contribute, my only role was just to be there. I prefer the reality of an argument, where I have to really change or come up with the clue to solve the issue.
    I had no identity in that relationship, no passion to make it work. I want one where I'd walk the length of the Earth to be with her.

    OK it just about kills you when it goes wrong but at least you feel alive.
     
    Robittybob1, Aug 27, 2013
    #188
  12. wegs

    wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    Well, I guess one of the reasons I started this thread was to gain some insight...and this helped. Thank you.

    Why do you want to be in a relationship so badly, may I ask? Like why do you want to 'walk the length of the earth' to be with someone? Do you feel incomplete without someone to share your life with? Relationships are wonderful, if you're in a healthy one. But, you seem like you are yearning for your 'other half,' or something.

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    Just wondering.
     
    wegs, Aug 27, 2013
    #189
  13. Robittybob1

    Robittybob1 Banned Banned

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    I don't know you wegs and you don't know me, but without a word of a lie, I'd do anything humanly possible to help you. I know this sounds crazy but that is how it is.
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2013
    Robittybob1, Aug 27, 2013
    #190
  14. wegs

    wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    thank you.

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    wegs, Aug 27, 2013
    #191
  15. Bells

    Bells Staff Member

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    There needs to be some chemistry.

    I was in a relationship where there was no conflict. It was what others viewed as perfect. We thought alike, we liked the same thing, we were into the same thing, we shared the same interests. Our only differences were that I was the vocal passionate one in my beliefs and he was more analytical and mathematical. This was also a reflection of our career choices as well. So it was the "perfect relationship" in every respect. We were each half of a perfect little parcel.

    Then I fell very ill and in the middle of my battle for my health, he cheated on me. And I realised things were not so perfect in every way.

    Is conflict necessary? No, but it is something that is part and parcel of every relationship and it is something every couple should go through. You need to have differences so that you know how to sort it out and deal with the conflict. You need to learn to deal with the conflict. Because if you do not, if and when something bad happens in the relationship and you are tested - from money problems to even having children, you won't know how to deal with it, because you never learned how to deal with it as a couple.

    Trust in a relationship is something that is built up over time. If it is lost, then that is something that you need to work out with your partner or spouse as to why it was lost and whether you can work together to regain that trust and rebuild the relationship again.
     
    Bells, Aug 27, 2013
    #192
  16. wegs

    wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    Thanks for sharing this, Bells.

    I understand, but I feel safer when I just avoid conflict.
    I like to "feel" safe.

    Thanks for taking the time...If you're currently in a relationship, hope you are in a good place with it.
     
    wegs, Aug 27, 2013
    #193
  17. dumbest man on earth

    dumbest man on earth Real Eyes Realize Real Lies Valued Senior Member

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    Country singer Garth Brooks recorded a song some years ago called "The Dance".

    Great song - Great lyrics - :


    GARTH BROOKS
    The Dance lyrics

    Lookin' back
    On the memory of
    The dance we shared
    Beneath the stars above
    And for a moment
    All the world was right
    But how could I have known
    That you'd ever say goodbye

    And now
    I'm glad I didn't know
    The way it all would end
    The way it all would go
    Our lives
    Are better left to chance
    I could have missed the pain
    But I'da had to miss the dance

    Holding you
    I held everything
    And for a moment
    Wasn't I a king
    But if I'd only known
    How the king would fall
    Hey who's to say
    You know I might have changed it all

    And now
    I'm glad I didn't know
    The way it all would end
    The way it all would go
    Our lives
    Are better left to chance
    I could have missed the pain
    But I'da had to miss the dance

    Yes my life
    It's better left to chance
    I could've missed the pain
    But I'da had to miss
    The dance

    Songwriter(s): Tony Arata
    Copyright: Emi April Music Inc., Morganactive Songs Inc.


    Life...chin up...eyes wide open...stay optimistic...allow new tomorrows... enjoy the journey...
     
    dumbest man on earth, Aug 27, 2013
    #194
  18. Fraggle Rocker

    Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    I'll take that assertion under advisement, since I don't know you well enough to interpret it. We all treat each other different ways on different days. We all have weaknesses that we manage to patch over most of the time, so one day it comes out and we hurt somebody. If it happens on a day when that person was particularly vulnerable, it can be trouble. Nonetheless, if we know the people in our life well enough to know that A) they all have such weaknesses and B) occasionally shit happens and they go over the edge, then we can forgive them, knowing that it's not going to happen often enough to be a big problem. Life is full of reasons to apologize. The best you can do is know your loved ones' faults so that you won't be blind-sided when they have a really bad day.

    Now if you're talking about someone who mistreats you all the time, then all I can ask is why did you stick around as long as you did? Yes yes, it could be a parent. That's a really crappy way to start life and it happens to many of us. My mother was intolerable but I managed to recover and not spend the rest of my life distrusting people.

    At this point I think we can remind ourselves that this is a community so we all get to talk about ourselves.

    Religions have a strange definition of the word "enlightenment." What she was looking for didn't qualify. It has to be based on the fairytales in the bible.

    All religions are not the same, and even within one religion all congregations are not the same. The Jesuits are a Catholic order, but their universities are famous for teaching science rather than dogma. Some of the best institutions in the world are Jesuit universities.

    Does anyone know if the Rastafarians have founded their first university yet?

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    Fraggle Rocker, Aug 27, 2013
    #195
  19. Bells

    Bells Staff Member

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    I am currently in a relationship, yes and I am in a much better place.

    I understand the desire to avoid conflict and to feel safe. The issue that can arise is if as a couple, you never have a fight of any sort, you always agree to everything. You never learn, as a couple, to deal with conflict if it ever arises. It is hard for me to explain.

    Then there is also the problem of whether one should simply give in and do what the other wants to avoid conflict? And that to me is wrong. And usually it starts with the little things. And it builds up and up and in the long run, that first little thing has become this giant fat pink elephant in the room.

    My current relationship is with someone I have known for a very long time. He is my best friend and has been for a number of years. And the reason I feel safe and secure with him is because over the course of the decades we have been friends, we have fought. A lot. But we also worked through each and every single disagreement we had ever had and still have. We are very different people. And yes, we still have disagreements about a lot of things. But because we have learned in the past to fix what is broken between us and to work through our disagreements, we are a stronger couple. I mean he drives me insane. Quite literally up the proverbial wall sometimes, to the point where sometimes, I get an eye twitch - like when he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube or that he is much more politically conservative than I am... Like arrgghhh. However we have learned to work through our disagreements. And I adore him, not because of our similarities, but because of our differences.

    I think if we just kind of never fought, and avoided all disagreements, then I would not feel as secure as I do with him. Because for me personally, there would always be that fear that if something happened and we had a fight, then we wouldn't know how to fix things and work through it.
     
    Bells, Aug 27, 2013
    #196
  20. Trooper

    Trooper Secular Sanity Valued Senior Member

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    Oh, that’s good, Bells.

    I agree with you. Earlier, I said that it was important to gain confidence in your ability to deal with conflicts and setbacks.


    Can I ask you something, Bells? There is a gender disparity. Do you think this explanation is accurate?

    Men are more likely to abandon their partner during illness.

    Gender disparity in the rate of partner abandonment in patients with serious medical illness.
     
    Trooper, Aug 27, 2013
    #197
  21. wegs

    wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    Soooo...
    Open your heart up, TRUST someone...and that person leaves you when you need him/her most?
    Nice!

    That's an EXTREMELY enlightening article Trooper, although studies can be fallible.
     
    wegs, Aug 27, 2013
    #198
  22. wegs

    wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    I read this three times, it was that good.

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    Thank you so much.
    It is not pie in the sky bs. You are explaining the reality of it all.
    I think it's great that you found a special person, with whom to share your life.
    You said something interesting...you "adore" him because of your differences.
    That's really neat.
    A friendship turns romantic.
    I can't thank you enough for opening up and sharing this here.
    ((Hugs))
     
    wegs, Aug 27, 2013
    #199
  23. Bells

    Bells Staff Member

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    Mod Note

    Well it seems that while typing my response, things have heated up and become personal.

    Thread closed while I clean up and moderate as needed.
     
    Bells, Aug 28, 2013
    #200
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