Jokes and Funny Stories

R.I.P. Joe

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

 

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Mental Hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a
mental hospital had saved another from a suicide
attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the
director reviewed the rescuer's file and called
him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior
indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only
sorry that the man you saved later killed himself
with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied.
"I hung him up to dry."

 

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Messing with the Mob

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney,
walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where
is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a
deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can
interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my
damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language,
asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars
is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what
you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He
doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol,
puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks
the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my
damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants
to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The
money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the
shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have
the guts to pull the trigger."

 

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Model Dental Patient

The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's
office, where Mr. Hammett made it clear he was
in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered.
"No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff.
Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as
you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which
tooth is it?"

Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

 

F.u.c.k.

The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send
grandma on a cruise. Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the
purser. He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there
and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C."
Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the
cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room
with trays of food for her Breakfast In Bed and she said, "F.U.C.K"
Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she
replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K. First U Could Knock!"

 

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, screw, Etc."


-----
I seen this "chick" wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said to her, 'Thyroid problem?



--------
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!
A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!"

The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!

By now a huge crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Madam, why are you saying that?

In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I Like To Have My Nipples Pinched When I'm Getting Screwed!"

The crowd broke into applause and the lady money was quickly





--------

The last fight was all my fault. So my wife claimed. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I truefully said," Dust!"

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 quick double shots.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

It was Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

Um hey...

If a guy is a "chick magnet", and opposites attract, doesn't that make him gay?

 

Montana Romance

A cowboy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors
of a terrible plane crash. They found themselves
stranded on the prairie. After being there a
while, they got into the habit of going to the
mesa every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm
and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there atop the mesa, the sheep
started looking better and better to the cowboy.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his
arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling
fiercely until the cowboy took his arm from around
the sheep. After that, the three of them continued
to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was
no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there
was another plane crash. The only survivor was
a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the cowboy had ever seen. She was in a pretty
bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly
nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they
introduced her to their evening ritual. It was
another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds,
a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night
of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those
feelings" again. He fought them as long as he
could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered
in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog
for a walk?"

 

Morals are good - Aren't they?

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a
moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have
a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking
our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road
and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked
the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"


"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens
for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one
time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't
count your chickens until they hatch."

"That was a fine story Lucy." "Johnny, do you
have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about
my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer
in Desert Storm; her plane got hit. She had to
bail out over enemy territory and all she had
was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun; a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break; then she landed right in the middle of
100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets,
then she killed twenty more with the machete
till the blade broke; then she killed the last
ten with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from
that horrible story?"

"Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been
drinking!"

 

A man and his young son were standing in line at the bank. In front of them was a very large woman. The young boy tugged on his father's pant leg and said "My God dad, she's really fat".

"Be quiet and don't embarrass me" replied the father.

Then all of a sudden the woman's pager goes off and the little boy furiously pulls at his father and says, "DADDY! WATCH OUT! SHE'S BACKING UP!"

 

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a hand job"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dreamed I was skiing"

 

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

More More More

A woman walks into her sex thearapist's office
and tells her that her husband is not a very
good lover, and the rarely have sex anymore,
and asks what to do about it?

The therapist tells her that she has a new
drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She
tells the woman to give him one pill that night,
and come back in the morning to tell her what
happens

The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling
the therapist the viagra worked, and she and
her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her
therapist what would happen if she gave her husband
two pills? The therapist replies she dosn't know
but says to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman
comes in telling the therapist tha the sex was
even better than the night before. She asks the
therapist what whould happen if she gave him
five pills? The therapist once again tells her
to give it a try.

The following day the woman comes back in LIMP
BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sex just keeps
getting better and better. She asks what would
happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle?
The therapists tells her its a new drug and she
doesn't know what a full bottle would do to a
person. The woman leaves the office and puts
the rest of the pills in her husbands morning
coffee.

A week later a boy walks into the therapists
office and asks: are you the "idiot" who gave
my MOTHER a bottle of Viagra? Why yes young man
I did, Why?

Well mom's dead My sister's Pregnant, My
A-- Hurts And Dad just sits in the corner going,
"Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty..."

 

Most powerful liquid in the world

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a
gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching
all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest
came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful
liquid in the world, its called turpentine."


The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid
in the world is Holy Water, If you take some
of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's
belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."

The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't
nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a motorcycle."

 

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

My Dad Bragging

Three boys were playing and were bragging about
their fathers. The first boy said: "My dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper and calls it
a poem. He gets $50 for it."

Second boy said, "That's nothing! My dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it
a song and he gets $100 for it."

The third boy then said to the first two: "I
got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon and it
takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

Name that toilet paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.
She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,
"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet
papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand,
"this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a
bunny,
strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her,
"We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per
roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager
and says,
"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper.
I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off
anybody!"

 

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