Why Monogamy Is Ridiculous

I think Dan Savage the author of this article and video is full of shit.

http://bigthink.com/ideas/24738?utm...letter_June_24_20116_24_2011&utm_medium=email

 

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I think he makes a lot of good points.

 

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What about his saying that society decided men should be monogamist only 60 years ago? Also when people get married or even just live together and make promises to each other and then break those promises. Where do you draw the line. When you break a promise you aren't just being unfaithful, you are now a liar not to be trusted. Anybody willing to lie about about one thing will most likely lie about another. At this point it's time to reassess the relationship.

I personally have nothing against non-monogamist relationships as long as that was the understanding at the beginning of the relationship.

 

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It's unrealistic to promise not to follow human nature. Even people that have the best of intentions have to realize that. It's like an alcoholic promising not to drink, or a Mormon promising not to masturbate.

 

It may be human nature to be attracted to more than just one woman or man, but it's not human nature to act on all the attractions. I find your examples to be way off base even somewhat disgusting.

 

Monogamy is a promise I made, and...honestly? if I thought my marriage could stand it? I might ask to occasionally "see" someone else.

I certainly still find other people attractive.

But it would outrageously hurt my wife to even ask...and I won't do something like that covertly.

Maybe that's a good point...if you can't sit down and negotiate an open marriage in which you both agree under what terms it's ok to have sex with other people...then you can't have sex with other people?

Open marriages do work for some. Not for us though.

Besides that...I sort of bond through sex, so I'm very uncertain of the implications of boinking someone who is not my wife...if I could do that without bonding with them too. And 3-way relationships usually become unstable and fall apart...and I don't need that sort of drama, really.

There's that too, my need for peace, quiet and stability outweighs my craving for flamin' hot anonymous sex.

 

Only because it takes two to tango...

 

I don't think he is full of shit all the time. (only his way of communicating is kind a shit)
I too think that 'missteps' are hard to avoid in a longterm relationship. We can try to be monogamous, if that is our choice. But we may not expect sexual exclusivity or even expect that our partner will never fall in love with someone else in a long term relationship. I agree with the author that we should be more realistic at this and that 'missteps' do not have to lead in a termination of the relationship.
Besides, no-one can posses another.
Honesty are offcourse a condition for polygamic relations.

 

I can agree with what you said, not all discretion’s need lead to the termination of a relationship. But the problem is with human nature in that people that get away with something once will believe they can do it again and get away with it. So when you agree to stay in a relationship with a cheater, your future with that person has a high probability of deteriorating but hanging on long enough to waste a great deal of your time. You can't get that time back again and if you feel cheated enough maybe you'll become a killer.

 

I don't think it's for everyone. There are for certain, some people that monogamy works just fine. And yes sometimes it DOES require to be with someone very special.

To quote the late great Paul Newman:

 

I think every relationship is unique. If your boyfriend/girlfriend is in jail for example and you haven't had sex for many years and you are not allowed to see eachother, then I would say "cheating" is semi-ok. But then again, and I can only speak for myself, I never have sex with anybody I'm not attracted to, and the attraction is based on feelings, so then it gets deeper and probably hurts more. Maybe that's the major sterotype difference between men and women. Men seem to be able to have sex without any emotional attachment, when most women don't really see the point in that.

 

That women dont seem to have casual sex without feeling emotionaly attracted to someone is abig misunderstanding. I think that is what society wants to believe and let women believe.

 

?? Many alcoholics DO promise not to drink - and they in fact do not drink. (Since I have never asked any Mormons about their autoerotic activities I won't try to answer that one.)

But we all suppress our basic human nature. Men have a primal urge to rape women. We call men who act on those impulses "criminals" and we put them in jail. Some people have urges towards violence; often these people end up in prison as well.

We're really not uncontrollable animals. Our consciousness sets us apart from animals and lets US make the decisions about our behaviors.

 

LOL....uhhh no.

 

But they're fun while they last.

 

I was just talking about myself, as a woman. Maybe I have not let myself loose in that aspect.

 

They do; it's wired into most of us biologically. That's why we have a testosterone-mediated response to women after puberty. Civilized people can channel that response into something socially acceptable. (i.e. talk her into having sex with you, date her, go to a singles bar, any one of the thousand ways guys get laid.) Criminals cannot or do not, and act directly on that drive.

 

Studies tend to show women cheat just as much as men, but are better at lying and hiding it. It's also been suggested that up to 15% of kids are not actually fathered by the person claimed to be the biological father.

Why those people bother pretending they can be monogamous is beyond me.

 

Can you back that up with a source? I'd love to read that science.

 

Monogamy is a commitment that may not be the most logical choice for everyone.

Some other sources have suggested that monogamy runs counter to the purpose of genetic diversity.

Attraction and longing are rather superficial elements when stacked up against the emotional intimacy and commitment of a relationship shared, with or without the rearing of children.

Hormones and biology are powerful influences during puberty and young adulthood, and perhaps some make commitments that they are not mature enough to comprehend the significance of, merely to satisfy the urges of biology.

Then there are those who elect not to commit for personal reasons of not desiring to be bound to a commitment made.

We live in a time when persons have far more options in regard to the type and duration of relationships they wish to make.

I was raised with 'old school' teachings in regard to commitment.

If you choose to commit to a relationship, then that means a total commitment.

It does not preclude that some day you might both find yourself grown into different people and agreeing to go your separate ways, respectfully, to search new paths of fulfillment.

It is even acceptable to glance at the menu, provided one remembers that they are dining at home, lol....and no sampling the 'salad bars'....

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The topic under discussion was given an interesting treatment in D.H. Lawrence's work, Lady Chatterley's Lover. Some interesting social circumstances were addressed at the same time.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_Chatterley's_Lover