In the cricket

Kat, girls who appreciate cricket are very sexy, it shows they're smart.

If you do get addicted to cricket, you'll have made a smart choice, it has many many layers and you won't need to bother with any other sports 'cos they all pale by comparison.

I've had a couple of past girlfriends who I've introduced to the vaguaries of cricket and they ended up loving it (dumping me but loving cricket).
Spud Empress isn't a convert (wasn't born in Oz y'unnershtan').

Watto to make a ton today.

 

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We've lost a wicket already, but I think our team has picked up a tip from the Australian players. Take it easy and pick your shots.
Of course when Pietersen gets in he'll whack away like a schoolboy as usual.

I'd love to see Bell get his confidence.
International teams have no fear of him because they don't realise how good he can be. He looks a bit Australian actually. Don't you think?

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Hello I'm Ian Bell. I'm an Australian Desert Pixie. eek eek!

Talking of Pietersen, we've just lost another wicket. Pietersen to bat.
He's walking to the crease, smiling to his fans. Waving his bat in the air.
Here's one of his fans now.

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I look like Pietersen, and I dress like Pietersen. I'm saving up for a Kangaroo. Then I will be exactly like him.


Johnson bowling to Pieterson.
Pietersen on a duck.
Pietersen scores a run. Hurrah!

Pietersen out for 3. Playing a ball he should have left.
Walks off annoyed, throwing his gloves into his hat.
Is he annoyed at himself, I wonder.

Pietersen: (seated in dressing room) I did it agin Sonny. I bladdy well did it agin. No, don't give me my sunglasses just yet. I'm not in the mood.
Just clean this bloody Perth soil off my bat. In fact , don't bother. Just chuck it in the bladdy river. I won't use it again.

Skippy:(wiping Pietersen's brow) Tch.

Later, in the darkening twilight, we see two Opossums on the river propelling a cricket bat with oars.

Opossums: (singing) Way down upon the Swanee River
Far Far away....................

What do the bookies say about England's chances?
Odds on England Win now 25/1
That is rubbish. Rubbish odds I mean.

 

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Almost a nice call on Watson making a ton - gone on 95.

Factoid, Hussey's ton gives him the most consecutive 50's in a ashes series against the poms?

 

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You should be betting on this spud.
You are doing well at the predictions.

Odds on Australia to win tomorrow 1-100
1% Profit
Is that good odds or bad odds Marquis?

 

Spud Empress needs to take a good hard look at herself!!!
doesn't she want to be smart and sexy???

i shall no longer pretend i dont' like the game..
I LIKE CRICKET.
there i said it!! wow, kind of therapeutic really..

BUT, footy is my ultimate sport..the REAL Footy...GO THE CATTERS!!!!!
ps- The Aussies are all over it like white on rice!!! this test is as good as ours... 5 more wickets to go...

 

Well that's a bit more like it!

What will happen next?
The Boxing day crowd at Melbourne will be 100,000 strong and the barmy army drowned out (to some degree), Australia with their tails up and Ponting due for runs. The problem Australia has had till now has been the bowling and that has just turned around completely.
These sort of closely fought series are when heroes come to the fore.

I had an interesting chat with Pietersen;
Spud: I bet ya like ya new bat better than the old one!

Pietersen:Ah bet yoo ma bett will bairter you brains in Spudt. Yoo better
fuck awf biffaw ah git yoo!

Spud: Yeah, go orn, you'd miss me by at least six inches ya big tosser!

Pietersen: *takes a swat at Spud but Spud swings late and Pietersen is reduced to incoherent squarking, flapping, quacking and waddling about* Ah'll git yoo *quack* Ah will git yoo! Muck ma werds*quack*

 

Yes,we were outbowldodus outfieldidus and outbattedus, to take a line from Ponty, who can now walk outdoors in the daylight again.


Weather in UK is cold. Coldest December for 100 years. Beautiful day yesterday.
Fluffy big flakes of Christmas card snow.

They are warning people not to drive in the snow.
Some people on hearing this immediately decide that they should visit Aunty with the children. After all, they have no real reason to own an off road 4x4. Now they can justify the £50,000 they spent on it. Previously the most arduous journey it has embarked on has been the school run. Now they set off in their gas guzzlers, like Scott of the Antarctic, children and all, only to get stuck behind some abandoned Ford Fiestas on the A4573.

The A4573. Imagine lots of snow. And a few abandoned rusty Fords blocking the road

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Mrs Collett-Murgatroyd:
Oh Dear, children, I didn't think of that. Poor people's cars.
Why do these people in poor people's vehicles set off in the snow?
They were told not to.

Child: Mummy, I want poopoo

As cricket commentator Geoffrey Boycott (Yorkshireman and sadist. A bad combination.) would say
A ha ha heeeeee! Heeeeee! Oooohh. Ah ha ha ha ha. Heeeeeeeeee.

He's very annoying sometimes.

Next Game is Melbourne. Starts Boxing day. Odd route we're taking. Why Cross Australia twice?

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Looking at this map, I wonder.
Where does Australia get all the water from to fill those huge lakes in South Australia?
It can't rain so much there can it?

 

An advert from the Orstralien Family planning unit. (Marsupial Division)

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Minny Kingeroos git unixpictidly prignint ivry yere.
Unless you want to be feedin' a joey instead of watching the cricket, remember to take precautions.

 

Spud. More of your Pietersen sketches please.
I like the way he speaks totally differently to my Pietersen.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVGoRGLjDTo

 

Is that you, Spud?

Ponty decides to relax by going to a pub quiz.

Quizmaster: Nah fer ternights spot proize. Ferst person to answer these three really hard questions will win two pints of delectable Swan lager. Git Riddy.

1. What animals name means "River Horse"?
2. What is the name of the structure in yer wedding tackle that stores sperm?
3. What is the most expensive violin in the world?

Ponty:(immediately) Hippopotamus, Epididymis, Stradivarius.

Quizmaster: Ponty, you're a bladdy genius!

 

Nah, that's fucking Pietersen doing a crappy impression of me.

Pietersen: 1, Mark Gatting
2, Mah Knackers
3, Ah do not condone violins...at orl.

Wrong, Mike Gatting, my knackers and neither do Ah!

 

That was brilliant, Spud. Nice one.

Back at the Opossum Paws (previously the King's Arms)
Quizmaster: Sorry Pietersen. As usual yer out fer a duck!
Quiz Crowd: (Raucous Laughter)
Geoffrey Boycott: A ha ha heeeeee! Heeeeee! Oooohh. Ah ha ha ha ha. Heeeeeeeeee.
Bell: Eek eek!

Pietersen: Come on Sonny, we're leaving. Where's my Sunglasses?

 

As for those "lakes" Kremmen... they're not, really... most of the time. They're salt lakes, most of them dry for years and one, Lake Eyre, is the place most people try to set world land speed records... if that tells you anything.

On the rare occasions it fills up it is rather spectacular.

That it has only filled twice in the last two hundred years or so, when a full fifth of the continent of Australia pours its spare water into it, should tell you even more.

 

Oh, and by the way - see that little spot marked "Coober Pedy" between the words South and Australia?

They live in caves there.

No, really. I'm serious.

 

Yes that makes sense.
If they were fresh water lakes, you'd have 20 million people in the state.

 

Ummm. Praise be to dry salt lakes then.

Roll on the Boxing Day test...

* - See the Little Master's new performance?

 

Late night at the Opossum's Paws, downtown Perth. Nearly everyone has left.

Pietersen: Those sunglasses must be somewhere. They're my coolest shades. I'm not leaving this Domkop bladdy town without them. Sonny. Search harder!
Skippy: (runs round in circles) Tch Tch Tch Tch Tch!
Pietersen: Even Sonny can't find 'em. They're lost forever.
Quizmaster: They're on the top of yer head mate.
Pietersen: Pidden?
Quizmaster:On top of yer bladdy 'ed.
Geoffrey Boycott: A ha ha heeeeee! Heeeeee! Oooohh. Ah ha ha ha ha. Heeeeeeeeee.
Pietersen: What are you leffing et?
Geoffrey Boycott: (to no-one in particular) Heeeeeeee! 'ee were seachin' for tut glasses arl neet, and they were on the top of is' ed all teem. A ha ha heeeeee! Heeeeee! Oooohh. Ah ha ha ha ha. Heeeeeeeeee.
Pietersen: Shet up you old idiot. You know something. No-one likes you. Come on Sonny...........................

 

Nothing wrong with a cave.
In Europe, some smart people escape the summer heat by retreating to their cellars.
The French word for cellar is cave.
Very handy for grabbing a bottle of wine too.

I've looked up Lake Eyre. 50 mtrs below Sea level. Have they ever thought of flooding it with sea water?
A sea is far more valuable than a salt flat, I would have thought. But perhaps not.


@spud
Have you got a cave in your house spud?

 

The very reason they live in caves, in Coober Pedy.

Of course, to most Australians, to speak of Europe as being hot is a little like speaking of the constant rain over Lake Eyre. Even for the ones living in Melbourne. Taswegians, perhaps, would not see the humour.

And yes, they have. A lot. Plans to open up the outback by flooding it with seawater have been touted for the last fifty years at least. Perhaps a reason they have not done so is that they, too, have thought of the possible consequences of making it liveable.

People, you see, would want to live there.

Now tell me you like Tendulkar.
Or we will have words.