The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

Haha!​

Hey! I've read through most of the pages in this over the last few days (the joys of student life after exams are over

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) and i think most of it is just hilarious so I thought i'd become a member.

Its hard to find a joke that hasn't already been posted so i've just got one for now...

Whats charred and keeps banging on the glass?

A baby in an oven!!​

 

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Got some! It's strange how you remember a couple and start typin em and a few more come back then a few more...

Not all offensive, none very offensive but all funny, or at least to me!

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.


Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.


Q: What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.


Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.


Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
every night??
A: Hanson.


Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.



Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.


Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.


Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q: Why did god create women?
A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.


Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.


Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
A: Pat



​

 

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I registered to post here, you guys have some fucking awesome jokes! I'll post some of my favourites, apologies if they've already been posted.

What's another name for a cocoon? A ninigger.

How do you send a Hindu into space? Push the red button!

How long does it take a nigger to have a shit? 9 months.

Why are black people afraid of chainsaws? Because when you start one up it goes "Run nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger!"

Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat? Because he's a cunt!

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe, she had so many children, her cunt fell off!

How do you fit 3 gays onto a bar stool? Turn it upside down.

Your mother's so fat, she's got her own timezones.

Your mother's so old, her birth certificate says 'Expired'.

Your mother's so fat, she appears on the map of the world.

Your mother's so fat, she died!

Not sure if your mother jokes are allowed but they are pretty offensive!
And if you are offended by this, for fuck's sake don't be a cunt about it!

 

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Mongo is a little Zambian orphan who walks 5 miles to school each day. With your help of just 2p a month, we can buy a whip and make the lazy bastard run!

 

Hahahahaha! Ace! I've heard one like that:

Little Zuki has to walk 15 miles every day just to fetch water. Why the fuck doesn't she move?

Yes, it's something Jimmy Carr said, but he is a master comedian and needs to be worshipped!

 

A Jamaican Boxer lost both his legs in a car crash. Hasn't stopped him boxing though, he's had 7 games without Dee Feet.

 

Just found this site. Sorry if these are repeats!

Q: What's the best thing about dating a homeless chick?

A: It doesn't matter where you drop her off.


Q: What's the difference between a nigger and a pizza?

A: A pizza can feed a family.

 

Here is the worst I know

Q: What kind of file do you use to make a small hole bigger?

A: A pedophile!:bawl:

 

Why do women have two sets of lips?



So they can piss and moan at the same time.

 

What do Mexicans and cue balls have in common?



The harder you hit them the more English you get




(If you don't shoot pool you won't get this joke)

 

i didnt get it

 

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

 

You are a genious!!

 

You are a genious!

 

Little Johnny is sitting in class and the teacher askes this question "if theres 4 crows sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says "None". The teacher looks at him, puzzeled and says "Could you explain?" Little Johnny says "Well, if you shot one of them, the other three will fly away". The teacher says "Well, thats not the answer i was expecting, but i like the way you think". Then little Johnny says, "Alright, now i have a question for you". Teacher says "OK" and Johnny says "There's three women sitting on a bench, all are eating popsicles, one is licking it, one is biting it, and the third is sucking it. Which one is married?". The teacher thinks for a moment then replies "My guess would be the one thats sucking it". Little Johnny says, "Thats not the answer i was expecting, but i like the way you think"...

 

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
They're right, we do taste like chicken!

What is the definition of indefinitely?
Well, when your balls are slapping against the back of her ass, I'd say
you're in definitely.

Another use for used tampons?
Teabags for cannibals.

What's the difference between Madonna and a Kit Kat?
You only get four fingers in the Kit Kat.

What's the difference between the pope and a woman in a bath?
One has got hope in the soul, the other has soap in the...

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't hear a vitamin.

Why do tampons have strings?
So crabs can go bungie jumping.

What's got forty balls and really fucks a duck?
A shotgun cartridge.


What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A bigger parish.


How does Jesus masturbate?
[Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]

What tastes good on pie but not on pussy?
Crust!

What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common?
They are both looking for dead beaver!

What did the necrophiliac pedophile say when he couldn't come into work?
"I'm sorry I'm feeling a little stiff!"

Did you hear about the homosexual undertaker?
He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your dirty washing in!

What do you get if you put a leper in a hot bath?
Porridge!

What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
They are both fun to ride but you don't want your friend's to see you on either of them!

Why did the Arab trade his wife for an outhouse?
Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better!

Did you know that Iraqi fighter pilots are the easiest to train in the world?
You only have to teach them to take off!

What's brown and pink and comes out of a sheep's arse?
A Welshman's cock!

What kind of meat does the Pope eat?
Nun!

 

A WWE action figure of Chris Benoit has been recently recalled by the company. They later released a statement explaining the removal of the figure was because of an unforeseen choking hazard.

 

Q: What's the difference between a priest and acne?

A: Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

 

u burn jews. santa goes down, jew smoke goes up.

 

whats the difference between Sarah Payne and the Pope?

The Pope died a virgin.

(Sarah Payne was an 8 year old girl kidnapped and killed by a paedophile for those who don't know - hence the severity of this joke)