Wish

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WARNING: THIS ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN SMALL TRACES OF HATRED AGAINST JESUS. Anyone with a Christian mind should report this page to the local clergy.

In physics, a wish is a type of scientifically proven phenomenon that occurs whenever a human conceptualizes a desire, says it aloud, and it instantly happens. All matter and energy in the universe can be changed or controlled by wishes.

Behavioral properties

Wishing does not occur naturally in humans. Wishing is only made possible through some sort of catalyst which facilitates the granting of the wish.

Wells

The most common catalyst for wishing is a wishing well. A wishing well is a type of deep magically enhanced pit with a pool of water at the bottom. Wishing wells function by tossing currency into them, then verbally stating the wish.
The reason for why wishing wells do not always grant wishes is not yet fully understood by scientists. Some have hypothesized that there are issues with the value of the wish correlated to the rate of exchange. Most of the time, the lowest units of currency are tossed in with the expected return of "grandma's cancer going away" or "finding the dream girl". Wishing wells have never revealed so much as a ball park figure for the price of these things.

Birthday Cakes

Slightly more dependable are birthday cakes which provide a single wish per year. A birthday cake is a special magically enhanced cake with at least one or more actively burning candles on top of it. They require the wish be made in secret moments before blowing out the candle(s). Repeated attempts to extinguish the candle(s) causes a prolonging of the moment the wish will be granted by an equal number of years.

Bone Snapping

A wishbone is used to grant wishes on certain occasions. A wishbone is a magical "U" shaped skeletal component located in various avian vertebrates. They can be easily obtained by killing a bird, filling it with a delicious dressing, exposing it to high levels of heat, then stripping it all it's flesh with a knife and fork. Using a wishbone requires two people clutching either side of it with their pinky fingers, then pulling in opposite directions. The person who possess the largest piece after the bone snaps is empowered with the ability to make a wish.

Extinction Level Event

Falling stars are capable of granting wishes. Pessimists tend to think of them as various forms of burning space debris, however real scientists have long since established them as being stars which have lost the ability to stay in the sky. An observer who spots one (outside the context of a meteor shower because that's considered cheating) is given the opportunity to make a wish. It is thought that a dinosaur made a wish 65 million years ago under such circumstances, however he (along with the rest) disappeared mysteriously.

Magic Genie

The most effective catalyst for having wishes granted is to find a magic genie. Magic genies grant any wish instantly, and there are no limits for how impossible or improbable the individual's desires are - the genie makes it happen.
Magic genies have a few drawbacks. For starters, they are almost impossible to find. They are stored in magic lamps next to large piles of treasure. Most people who find treasure are usually overwhelmed by the fact that the treasure makes them wealthy beyond their wildest dreams, and do not take the time to properly organize and categorize the different valuable artifacts found in or around it.
Once found or identified, the genie's lamp requires the finder to rub it with their fingers - but anyone with an eye for rare artifacts would never rub it as that would corrupt its pristine condition.

Assuming the finder is non-anal enough enough to rub the lamp, the genie will exit the bottle in a puff of smoke, and offer them the three wishes. Hopefully, the finder will know how to speak coherent Arabic, otherwise the genie will scratch his head and eventually go back into the bottle.

Small Print

While generally 99% of wishes can usually be accommodated by the Genie, there are rules. For example wishing for more wishes is strictly against the rules. Others include wishing someone fell in love with you and wishing someone was dead. Though the last two restrictions are pretty pathetic, seeing as those are the kinds of thing that pre-occupy 99% of humans.

Inflation

Wishing for more money is very common. So much so that the Federal Reserve initiated an investigation into potential runaway-inflation scenarios arising, if too many people wished to be trillionaires. They however concluded, that such concerns pale into insignificance when compared to the potential runaway-inflation scenarios arising from incompetant chairmen of the Federal Reserve.

Using lackeys

An alternate method to magic is using henchmen or underlings. Assuming the wish maker is in some sort of position of power, they can command others to facilitate their wishes. The only drawbacks to lackeys is the fact that they have limited powers. For example, building a Giza-sized pyramid as a monument to your greatness in under a week is out of the question. Lackeys can not control the weather (like genies), but they are very good at holding your umbrella for you when it rains.

Trivia

If a person enters the konami code before rubbing the genie's lamp, the genie will grant them 30 wishes.