Netherlands
The Netherlands is a tiny country often seen as the center of Europe. It borders Belgium and Germany. Dutch people are annoyingly tall. Their language looks ok on paper but hearing them speak makes you want to rip your ear drums out and burn them. Hence Dutch people talk a lot.
Contents
Government
The head of state of the Netherlands is Queen Beatrix. She is one of the richest people in the world and hence more royal than, let us say, the royalty of Sweden or Denmark. The Dutch people are very happy about having a Queen because she is responsible for one extra holiday. Queen's Day. On this day you are supposed to eat cake covered with orange goo and sell old junk to other people.
The rest of the Dutch government is not worth mentioning.
Economy
On paper the dutch economy is one of the best in Europe. Well, whatever. You can't eat money. You can eat cheese.
Geography
The Netherlands is mainly a flat country. The highest "mountain" is a measly 323m high, the Vaalserberg. Interestingly the grandparents of spuriousmonkey used to live next to this "mountain". The Vaalserberg also contains the border between three nations: The Netherlands, Belgium and Germany. Global warming and rising sea levels will inevitably drown the Netherlands, so naturally the official Government policy is to deny it exists. Problem solved.
History
The Netherlands was once a superpower. The superpower era ended when the Netherlands supported the USA in their independence war with great Britain. The engagement with British naval forces wrecked the Dutch economy. Thanks a lot yanks. The nation's zenith was undoubtedly reached in the 17th century, however, when the formula for gin[1] was developed there by physician Franciscus Sylvius[2]. However others claim the supreme moment came when half of Amsterdam was stoned on heroin in the 70s and 80s. Others being Keith Richards.
Societal Degeneracy and Innate Wrongfullness
The Dutch, far from being the inconspicuous controversiphobes that one expects of a nation built below sea level, have in fact managed to piss innumerable people off. Firstly, the Wikipedia entry for these complete tourniquets insists that "The Netherlands" is not in fact "Holland":
"The Netherlands is often referred to by the name Holland. This terminology is not correct, as the provinces of North and South Holland in the western Netherlands are only two of the country's twelve provinces (for more on this and other naming issues see Netherlands terminology)." [3]
....Ooooh! Hoity-toity, hoity-toity! Look at me! I'm not 'Holland'! That's just two of my twelve provinces, you dolt! Ha ha!
This is widely considered the most self-important statement ever by the inhabitants of a nation which, were it not for sandbags and cement, would be a swamp. Currently it is merely a cesspool of sinful human acitivity.
The Dutch are also responsible for: boom-bust economics (the incipient instability of which is probably psychological testimony to the fact that the unsympathetic weight of the sea is an allegorical finger's width away) and stock exchanges. But that's not all; oh, no. Bear trading and insurance monopolies may also be laid at the feet of this sneaky, seemingly innocuous, windmill-loving people.
Their current head of state is a Queen, which is fine of course: but not the right Queen, and an utterly powerless one besides. Where's the emergency Queen's orders? Where's the reckless political showmanship of a protected titular head of state? Where's the fabulous wealth and sexual scandal? Where's the "off with their heads"? At best she's a "neutral arbiter between the political parties"? Guh. Please.
In addition to having produced the infamous art forger Han van Meegeren [4], the wooden-shoe-sucking Dutch are also despised by members of the British Secret Services [5]. I mean, seriously: is it mere coincidence that "Netherlands" sounds so similar to "nether regions"? I ask you.
Euthanasia
Euthanasia is a Dutch euphenism for the official eradication program of the elderly and sick undesirables in the Netherlands. It is the only Nation where this cleansing program is legal in the civilised world: that is, if you want to be so perverse to include the Netherlands into this category.
Slavery
Although Dutch people pretend to have the moral high ground, they were responsible for redesiging the transport system of slaves in order to make it profitable.
Religion
Most Dutch men worship football. This used to be done every Sunday by watching Studio Sport, but nowadays matches are spread out over the week so men can indulge themselves in a bit of religion almost every day.
Trivia
- The Dutch drink beer by the meter
- The Dutch like to eat raw herring often accompanied by sliced raw onion, however they don't call it sushi.[citation needed] The truth of the matter is that the herring isn't really really raw. Instead the intestines and gills are removed after catching it with the exception of the pancreas. The enzymes from the pancreas ripen the herring. Salt is added to preserve the herring. Nothing is known about what preserves the eater: barf bags, presumably.
- The Netherlands isn't famous for its chocolate[6].
