Being A Discourse On The Systematic Evaluation And Categorisation Of All Things

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Hello, and welcome to another edition of Being A Discourse on the Systematic Evaluation and Categorisation of All Things.

You know, my friends, people often say to me: "Excuse me, Sir, do you intend to pay for that?" But that's by the by. However, people also often say to me: "My lord and better, I am but a simple man and I have the analytical ability of a bucket of paint. Tell me, O Wise One: How on Earth can I possibly distinguish shit from sugar?"

To these latter people I reply: "Very easily, my poor, cerebrally-challenged friend. Just read my Discourse on the Systematic Evaluation and Categorisation of All Things". Five minutes after following my instructions these furrow-browed, anxiety-wracked wretches go away smiling like they've just fallen head first into a barrelful of tits.

My Discourse on the Systematic Evaluation and Categorisation of All Things

What, my increasingly-dear friends, is one supposed to make of kittens? Or puppies? Or toothpaste? Or brassieres, or Chicken Nuggets, or cancer? So many objects in the universe waiting out there to be experienced and evaluated, and you, completely lacking in both the mind to accurately assess them and the vocabulary to put your assessment into words. Singularly-cherished object of my recent acquaintance, I pity you. But fear not: help is at hand. Just follow my instructions with Faith as your companion and Hope as your guide and - literally before you know it - you'll soon be evaluating and categorising things with the best of them.

The System

All things, both material and incorporeal - from dolphins to telephones; from your boss to your non-event of a career; from Harry S. Truman to that awful weekend in 1973 that you spent sitting glumly in a caravan, in Devon, in November, with your demented Uncle Brian and your shrewish Aunt Martha - can be placed into just one of three categories. Browsing around this encyclopaedia you may, from time to time, come across other categories. These were introduced by jealous rank amateurs in the field AND SHOULD BE IGNORED. I restate: all things, both material and incorporeal, can be placed into just one of three categories.

Category 1: Nice

Into the first category we place things that are nice. We know something is nice when it evokes within us sensations of mild pleasure. Nothing too exciting. Nothing to give Granny palpitations. Just an induced feeling of warmth and well-being; a sense that all is well with the world; a rosy glow on the cheeks and a feeling of mild optimism about the future.

Some Examples of Things That Are Nice

  • Toast;
  • Receiving a letter from an old acquaintance that you have mildly positive feelings about;
  • Chatting with other old people as you queue up for your pension;
  • Exchanging lustful glances with an attractive stranger.

(Gaze in open-mouthed incomprehension at the full article on Nice.)

Category 2: Lovely

Into this second category we place things that are lovely. We know something is lovely when it evokes within us positive sensations that are just too strong to categorise as nice. Lovely things cause us to go weak at the knees, chill the spine, cause us to stammer like a lovesick schoolboy in detention with his flirty, long-legged headmistress, and generally induce feelings of extreme elation and joy. Amateurs in the field may confuse lovely with nice, or even mistake either for something else altogether, but to an experienced professional the two are as different as starfish and stun-guns.

Some Examples of Things That Are Lovely

  • Dolphins;
  • Winning the jackpot on a scratchcard;
  • Getting revenge on an adulterous ex-lover;
  • Sleeping through your 7am alarm-call for work, then ringing in sick and going back to bed.

(Gawp in awe-struck admiration at the full article on Lovely.)

Category 3: Horrible

Into this third and final category we place things that are neither nice nor lovely. Horrible things are evil. They are rank, stinking abominations and must be destroyed. The weak knees and chilled spines that they induce should not be confused with the sensations induced by things that are lovely. The sensations arise, in this instance, not from pleasure but from horror at the idea that such a thing should be allowed to exist. When confronted by things that are horrible only one course of action presents itself to us: we should run away; run away; run away.

Some Examples of Things That Are Horrible

(Stare in sexual longing for the author at the full article on Horrible.)

Questions, Questions

I appreciate the fact that the System is complex and that it's intricacies may not be readily comprehensible to you; you, who are so stupid that your IQ might readily be quadrupled by the act of ramming your head repeatedly against a brick wall.

I should be glad to answer any questions you may have - no matter how facile or child-like they may be - if you would be good enough to post them on this article's talk page. I should be equally glad to studiously ignore them on a whim, at my capricious desire. In the meantime, read well, then venture you forth to observe and categorise the entire universe... and all within it!

relativity of evaluation

Elephant dung is horrible to the person who steps in it, but a delight and necessity for life to a dung beetle. How can we compare the brain of George W Bush to that of Einstein? By means of relativity.
Editor's Note: Please ignore this section. It was written by a rather precocious student of mine who hasn't yet learned how to capitalise. I will have no part of it.