Alcohol
A chemical compound with the (oh) radical. These compounds names usually end in ol. There are 3 that deserve mention. Wood alcohol commonly known as methonol. Denatured alcohol is grain alcohol with an added substance to prevent ingestion. Grain alcohol is the one we drink.
Grain Alcohol
Grain alcohol is great - truly one of Nature's Miracles. But only when you drink it in huge quantities. Drunk in small amounts - ie 8 pints or less - it is pretty much indistinguishable from other drinks, in that it merely tastes "nice" (note: 8 pints is the amount for small children or Americans. Other nationalities need to consume more). Push yourself beyond this limit, however, and it's absolutely hilarious:
It causes your IQ level to halve with every gulp, inducing incoherence, a dangerous level of wobbling and foolhardiness.
It enhances your perception of your own personal attractiveness... and, at the same time, decreases your own personal attractiveness. This can lead to some hilarious scenes involving you flapping and falling around some lap-dancer who's clearly way out of your league.
It enhances your perception of your ability to fight, and increases the desire to do so... whilst, at the same time, massively impairing your ability in this arena. This can lead to more hilarious scenes involving you, an ambulance and life-saving surgery after you've accused Mike Tyson's minders of leering at your bird (they weren't actually - they were looking at you because you were trying to dispose of the 'light of your life' upside-down in a litter-bin).
Reproductive desire and ability is similarly affected. Despite, at this point, regarding yourself as your town's answer to Brad Pitt (wipe that mayonnaise off your chin, Casanova), your desire to reproduce is so strong that you're willing to give any fat, toothless old slapper the night of her life. In fact, that isn't a fat, toothless old slapper you see before you - it is your town's answer to Jennifer Aniston. That's right, you've got your beer-goggles on - alcohol increases your perception of other people's attractiveness in the same way that it affects your perception of yourself. In the morning you should wake up, groan (the after-effects of alcohol-poisoning really hurt), turn to your partner in passion, scream, vomit and leave, in that order. Don't bother cleaning up that pool of beef stew prior to your graceful egress. Let her do it. The shameless whore who stole your innocence.
So What's Your Tipple?
Grain alcohol comes in a bewildering and yet strangely heart-warming number of varieties. So how can one possibly choose between them? The answer, my friends, is: carefully. The vast majority of the many forms of alcohol available are to be avoided. Use this helpful guide to steer you undamaged through the alcohol maze:
Lager. This honey-coloured fizzy pop is to be avoided.Unless you are Finnish. In that case lager is the cheapest way to get you drunk besides local fruit wines.
Alcopops. These fizzy pops are also to be avoided. Safe to say that if it's fizzy and it tastes like pop it is probably doing untold, irreversible harm to your testosterone levels.
Wine. A woman's drink. It's fine for them to get all girlish and giggly, and to ridicule the size of their boyfriend's with a gaggle of like-minded harridans. For us men, however, this simply won't do.
Bitter. This is the one for you - a true man's drink. It tastes absolutely disgusting, as if someone's just poured the dregs from the bar-trays into a glass at the end of the night, and served it up to you sans stupid umbrellas and unmanly-looking straws. The taste doesn't improve with the more of it that you drink either. Rest assured, a night on the Bitter will leave your breath stinking like a hobo's underpants - and do the same for your underpants. Bitter is usually drunk by English queers.
Bacardi Breezer is the choice of Muslim.
List incomplete.
Drinking Games
Drinking wouldn't be half as much fun (though still a hell of a lot of fun) if it weren't for drinking games. Here are some of the most popular:
Touch Your Nose: Participants take it in turns to fall off their stools whilst trying to touch their noses. Laugh as your friends touch their lips, their cheeks, their elbows and everywhere but their primary olfactory outpost! Roar as the act of lifting their finger causes them to overbalance and hurtle floorwards with the grace and poise of an all-elephant motorcycle display-team! Howl as you await the arrival of the paramedics after your poor spatial awareness leaves you with distinct fingerprints on both your retinas!
Fight Night: That bloke over there... the one with that fat slag in the mini-skirt... is he glaring at you!?? Are you sure?? Take another look - casually now... he is! That c***'s giving you the right eyeball! Right, that's it! Gloves on! Gumshield in! It's time to play... fight night!!! Look, ignore the fact that he's 6'8" tall and 19 stone with a skinhead and no teeth - you'll more than make up in speed what you lack in height and weight and, besides, this is about pride! About being a man! If you get beat, you get beat! So what if he breaks your nose, blacks your eyes and leaves you winded and helpless on top of the nearest bus shelter - you'll show him, won't you!?? It'll be a long time before he messes with you again!
Police Chase: Oh noes! You've accidentally fallen through, or thrown a dustbin through, or mischievously pushed your friend through... a shop window! The heat is on now as you and your friends are chased through your town or city's main shopping area by 20 police officers in full riot gear, intent on beating you to a pulp then issuing you with an expensive on-the-spot fine! You'll be living on your wits as you dodge left at Tescos and right at Ray's Records, then stumble blindly through the alleyway by the cake shop, in a breathless, drunken attempt to evade the dark forces of ultimate justice! Finish the game with the most baton marks to win!
Am I An Alcoholic?
Why spend a lot of money on expensive tests when you can know if you are an alcoholic for the price of one beer? Take one beer from the fridge. Do not open it at this point. If you already have you are an alcoholic, because the bottle is controlling you. If you managed to pass part 1 of the test it is now time to prepare for part 2. Don't worry, you can still be an alcoholic. Let the beer warm up - preferably in your armpit or between your legs until it has reached a temperature approaching that of your body. Open the bottle and try drinking the warm beer. If you succeed with a feeling of 'I would like to have another one'... you are an alcoholic. Congratulations. If not, then you might want to do the Am I Gay Test.
Trivia
Did you know that the alcohol tolerance of most Australians is only slightly more than that of a little girl?
You can order a beer in Finland by asking for a "Iso tuoppi" and putting down 5 Euro on the counter.
Consumption of large quantities of alcohol by men is the only known method to make English girls look beautiful.
There is nothing worse than warm beer, other than a warm Bacardi Breezer.
WARNING: Do NOT yell "FREE BEER!" in a crowded tavern. The resulting stampede will be far more deadly than anything seen on the African plains.
