I have failed.

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Challenger78, Nov 2, 2009.

  1. Challenger78 Valued Senior Member

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    7,536
    Here I am procrastinating with 12 hours to go before the final set of my Higher school certificate.
    I am a fraud.
    I hereby apologize for misleading signs of intelligence.
    According to society, my worth as an individual is now lower.
    I cannot explain why I have lost the will to work, or why I have lost interest in achieving anything at school.

    And, So as I start the remaining 4 exams, hoping for mediocre achievements, I realise that the reassuring platitude of "it's not the end of the world" is true in one aspect. It is not the end of the world but the end of my former, bright self, hopefully attempting to realise his own potential. I realise now that it is the end of that self, and the beginning of a dull. mediocre, drone, doomed to walk the path of soap operas about ordinary people. My signs of intelligence were red herrings, designed to fool me into thinking that I could contribute to this world.
    But no, I am condemned to exist in a boring and uninteresting world, condemned by my deficiency of will to study and work. I have failed.
     
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  3. Stryder Keeper of "good" ideas. Valued Senior Member

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    I'd suggest not worrying about what will be so much. If you let it consume you, it will. Just concentrate on trying to keep a clear head, free of concerns about the future or what negative effects *might* occur. Just put your head down and think clearly, You can always reflect on how things went "Afterwards". (And believe me, it's best to leave it until then)
     
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  5. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    You need to move. Your symptoms are a sign of boredom with your current circumstances.
     
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  7. Challenger78 Valued Senior Member

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    SAM,
    My present circumstances are the product of 12 years of education, and it's pretty hopeless.

    Stryder,
    I've attempted to move on beyond this set of exams, but I cannot rid myself of the guilt of seeming smart to countless people, but failing at this crucial moment to my inherent lack of motivation. That's why I've been acting like hamlet..Why do I of all the reasons people fail exams, have to suffer from demotivation ? Others don't like the subject matter, but force themselves into it. "What's pi to him or him to pi?", or in my current case,
    "What's Trotsky to him or him to Trotsky" ? and How can i stop feeling like a fraud ? Like I've conned people into thinking I'm intelligent, but when all "objective" measures such as this exam indicate otherwise.

    I'm not failing, but I'm not satisfied. I'm guilt ridden because I have failed myself.
     
  8. draqon Banned Banned

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    if anything, repeat a year. its no biggie. High school is nothing compared to college.
     
  9. madanthonywayne Morning in America Registered Senior Member

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    Good. Use that guilt and disgust to motivate you as you take the next step. So long as your grades are good enough to get into college, your scores on your finals don't really matter.

    In the US, even if your grades sucked, you could always go to community college to prove yourself and then transfer to a more prestigious school.

    But, whatever the situation, you can make the best of it. Like I said, use your guilt as motivation. Get angry at yourself, then get off your ass and see to it that you take action to reach your full potential. One set of bad tests is not going to ruin your life, unless you let it.
     
  10. Challenger78 Valued Senior Member

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    The channeling of the guilt works as a start, but I keep falling back into old habit. Usually, If I were interested in a subject, the guilt would disappear as I start getting back into it.. But with subjects that I'm not interested in but have to do.. Force isn't working. And even history, a favourite of mine for years, has become boring and repetitive. How do other students manage to do so well in subjects that appear boring to them ?
     
  11. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    They have goals. You have no goals.
     
  12. Challenger78 Valued Senior Member

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    and therein lies part of my problem.
    Does suffering cause goals to magically occur ?

    My major concern is that
    I don't feel guilty enough. Otherwise how could such a deficiency of will occur ?

    It's hard to put into words. But I'll try.

    Intellectually I know I should put in work, and that with work I can achieve.
    Emotionally I feel guilty that I can't summon the will to work.

    Someone once remarked I might have a fear of success. I have no idea what it exactly means, but I am afraid of uncertainty. In fact, uncertainty has tainted my entire life into being intimidated by number (my poor subject choices were based on results, rather than actual interests).
     
  13. Enmos Valued Senior Member

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    You obviously want to work otherwise your 'inability' to get work done wouldn't upset you.
    I think the phrase "Just do it" might be in order here

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  14. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    I think you have a fear of failure. That may sound contradictory but usually you are what you visualise you are. Since you visualise others expectations as seemingly overblown, it stands to reason that you consider your own efforst worthless, even if you do succeed with work and simple diligence. I recommend that whether you pass or fail, you take a year off and move away someplace. Support yourself, do something that is not tied in with anyones expectations not even your own. Don't do it for them or for you. Do it self lessly without any aim. Take a break from the mundane. I doubt you consider yourself stupid so there is a reason you are being contrary.
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2009
  15. Gustav Banned Banned

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    i say
    where were you when i was growing up?

    /regret
     
  16. Challenger78 Valued Senior Member

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    That makes sense. Some "me" time. To figure out where to go in life, etc.
    Sometimes we're so eager to jump into life that we don't look where we're going.
     
  17. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    Probably the same place where Challenger is now.

    Actually its a "not me" time. You need to take the focus off yourself. It will be difficult if your family is as overprotective as mine was.

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    But they'll get over it.
     
  18. madanthonywayne Morning in America Registered Senior Member

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    As Sam said, visualize your goal. Alternatively, think of the way you feel now and re-energize your guilt/anger whenever you start to slip. It just takes discipline. I made it thru undergrad and my doctor of Optometry program. Trust me, there were a lot of boring classes involved. There were a lot of nights I'd rather have been partying, or just goofing off. But I persevered.

    Just decide what you want to do, and then make it happen. Don't let anything stand in your way, especially not your own laziness.
     
  19. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    One of the things that helps me is organisation.

    Keep a calendar. Jot down whenever you have a deadline then jot down an earlier deadline for yourself. You can accomplish much more when you give yourself the time to breathe before submission. Also plan every day in time slots. You'll be amazed at how much you can get done when you have it laid out in black and white. It will also help you to focus and free you up to do the things you really want to do.
     
  20. hypewaders Save Changes Registered Senior Member

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    "I'm guilt ridden because I have failed myself."

    Welcome to a new and better chapter in your life. Get used to these transitions. Don't believe anyone who tells you you're damaging your future. Make your own way. "Losing" can be turned for better, and for better than would have been imagined without the disappointment.

    I still get knocked down now and then, and I'll be 50 within the new decade. I know it sounds corny, but the most trying "failures" through a life are our most defining and invaluable opportunities to build satisfied lives. Set some new short, medium, and long-term goals, then get going on the short-term ones that keep you on course. Get used to re-evaluating everything, because times are changing faster all the time. The ways in which people are evaluated are in unprecedented flux, and unique abilities in the now are steeply rising in importance.
     
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2009
  21. visceral_instinct Monkey see, monkey denigrate Valued Senior Member

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    Agreed. Just force yourself, even though you feel like shit, even though it's hard to keep your attention on something. Your mind will adapt after a while.

    Whenever you start getting lazy, remember how you feel now, and use it as motivation.

    Stay away from whatever distracts you. If your X-box beckons, move it out of your room. If there is an internet forum you can't resist going on when you should be working, ask the mods there to ban you temporarily. You get the idea.

    [Hypocrite]See things in realistic perspective[/hypocrite]. If you just did really well at something, don't be pissed at yourself for not being perfect.

    What Sam said. Set yourself a certain amount of work to get done in a certain amount of time. Set yourself earlier deadlines than you need. It prevents you from getting into a cycle where you procrastinate, then fail, then don't feel motivated because you're already behind. Stay out of that cycle at all costs, it's a vicious one.

    Take regular downtime. Give your head a rest.

    Good luck.
     
  22. Search & Destroy Take one bite at a time Moderator

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    I've never heard anyone say that high-school scores matter. I certainly don't believe they do.
     
  23. draqon Banned Banned

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    they obviously do matter. Otherwise everyone would be at MIT.
     

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