God, I feel so strange tonight. The reason might be that I had too much to drink, but still... It's like all my prejudices have come to the fore, like everything I knew I hated but supressed, is now hated for sure. Like all the stuff I've compromised my life with seems just...a stupid compromise...like I'm sick of all the pretence and all the bollocks that I have to live with, simply because it's supposed to be the norm'. I want my self back. I want to be whatever I want to be and to be whatever I really am. I want to grow at my own pace, follow my own path, be me, me me. This could really be a pivotal point in my life, but I'm not about to get into all the ins and outs of it, it just is. Brought to you by kebabs R Us.
Mmmm... I have taken psychology... thus from that last statement, perhaps somethings deeper than relationships are at play here.
Man, it's deeper than personal relationships, though trying to maintain the relationship has been a major cause of the compromise, the being not who you really are... the stifling of attitude, and of creativity, of expression....so many things.
''the being not who you really are... '' Then, what part/role do you feel you are acting out? Who and what do you see yourself as? ''the stifling of attitude, and of creativity, of expression'' Has slight tendancy of denial. Have you intentionally divided yourself from something in your life?
I am me, but not the real me. It's like I'm a part of my sum, when I should be the sum. ' When I'm reprimanded by my nearest and dearest for swearing, getting angry, criticising others, criticising things (sure I'm wrong and hypocritic sometimes, but who isn't?)...when she can't appreciate my writings, my music, my poems, my cynisysm, my sense of humour, my sense of who I am...when I'm banned from growing weed, when I'm accused of being a druggie when all I've ever done is smoke dope and used it for creative purposes(3 years without now)...when I'm always told to turn down the music I love listening to (ambient fucking lounge for god's sake) because it gets on her nerves...when I'm supposed to enjoy the mundane and bland things that others do but I don't. Read the above.
Man, I've been high on booze before and I've normally been just funny and talkative and whathaveyou, but this fucking shit really pushed me down a slope where everything is just negative. It's like I've looked in a mirror and seen my worst enemy.
To talk this way here is a good idea before you start talking to her. Whenever you drink it impairs your judgment and you can really look foolish when you wake up in the morning and remembering those thoughts you had the night before. The big problem is when you tell her these thoughts then you piss her off and in the morning you want to take it back but the damage has been done.
facing your demons is hard eh face your self and see who you realy are is harder knowing now you know urself
''I am me, but not the real me. It's like I'm a part of my sum, when I should be the sum.'' Then you need to trane your mind so that you think you are the converse. ''When I'm reprimanded by my nearest and dearest for swearing, getting angry, criticising others, criticising things (sure I'm wrong and hypocritic sometimes, but who isn't?)...'' Alright... ... ... I think that is very controversial. Instead of being openly all of these things, in a sense you are saying you are seen to be out of order, for what would seem to be only to you... .... ... trivial. ''when she can't appreciate my writings, my music, my poems, my cynisysm, my sense of humour, my sense of who I am...'' This is very specific. I advise you speak with your wife tonight, and have a diplomatic heart-to-heart... tell her how you see your writing. Tell her how you hear yourself at the music... read her a poem, and tell her it is only for her, because how can you hate your own dedication...? ''when I'm banned from growing weed, when I'm accused of being a druggie when all I've ever done is smoke dope and used it for creative purposes(3 years without now)...'' That is nothing we should know about. ''when I'm always told to turn down the music I love listening to (ambient fucking lounge for god's sake) because it gets on her nerves...when I'm supposed to enjoy the mundane and bland things that others do but I don't.'' It sounds as though you need a break, and perhaps two asprin in the morning... But why don't you go outside and get some air? Cool down. Don't feel so tied down. The worst torture is caused by one's self.
I'm actually really well balanced, but there's other people whose lives are falling apart all around me, and where I don't particularly give a shit, it's really having an effect on wifey and consequently on me. Tonight we were at her favourite niece's wedding, next to me sat one of her nephews that she's pissed off with. Her nephew is not speaking to his dad (her brother) who suffers from MS and whose wife just recently left him. She told me to tell him to talk to his dad, but he did not want to know and he left the reception early. The next thing I know, his dad is sitting next to me ( and he is a pain in the ass), and the drink turns my mood from happily drunk to fucking pissed off and hate everything and everybody...that's just about what happened tonight. Everything else I mentioned previously, I have been coping with perfectly adequately for years, but suddenly it all seemed like a big deal.
''I'm actually really well balanced, but there's other people whose lives are falling apart all around me, and where I don't particularly give a shit, it's really having an effect on wifey and consequently on me. Tonight we were at her favourite niece's wedding, next to me sat one of her nephews that she's pissed off with. Her nephew is not speaking to his dad (her brother) who suffers from MS and whose wife just recently left him. She told me to tell him to talk to his dad, but he did not want to know and he left the reception early. The next thing I know, his dad is sitting next to me ( and he is a pain in the ass), and the drink turns my mood from happily drunk to fucking pissed off and hate everything and everybody...that's just about what happened tonight.'' It seems clear that the drink has enhanced your expectation of that day. Before you even left the house, you subliminally knew it wasn't going to work. Because of this, the drink has affected you even more. Would you agree with that? ''Everything else I mentioned previously, I have been coping with perfectly adequately for years, but suddenly it all seemed like a big deal.'' It's only a big deal now, because you have realized what you already knew. It is like going to sleep with a bad memory, only to wake up with the same ones.
ohh i see i understand how you feel i call it another end to face and we all have to make a stand at one point or other in life you have to accept it as part of your life or you dont have to you can create a happy environment for your selves i think if you look after priorities in order one at a time you can face things more clear and you will be strong to face it then and you will
