Just sitting here reading all the threads...all the posts...wondering... Everyone wants to argue and bitch. There's some interesting stuff...some deep stuff.... What thread does one go when they just want a shoulder to cry on? Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! You know...when you've had such a shitty week and everything is going down hill and ya just wanta give up? Where is that thread? Ah, never mind....just never mind.
Frankly, I have no idea. Sorry you've had a rotten week though. Here... Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Have a photograph of a piles-suffer turning that frown upside down. Always cheers me up.
This wouldn't be the place to find what you're looking for today. Get a book, get drunk, take a short impromtu trip, visit a relative that is more unhappy than you are at the moment, take a long walk and smoke a cigar, rent porn or just go to bed. Usually the next day always seems better, in a different way.
Why don't we all try to act like responsible members of this community and embrace a fellow member who comes to us in need? We are a social species, after all. Pasquala, the best thing to do is to start your own thread and you just did that. I am here to listen and help and I promise that others will do the same once I establish the pattern. Tell us what went wrong? I can certainly empathize, my life has been pretty dismal for a while. Last night I went to see my friends' band play. The guitarist, who has a good but not splendid day job and knows I'm unemployed, discreetly pulled ten bucks out of the tip jar and gave it to me to reimburse me for the cover charge and a drink. He said I'd been paying his salary for two years and now it's my turn. That was really nice. Your friends can't always help you solve your problems, but knowing that they care can still make you feel better.
I guess you all saw right through my charade, but as you probably know, that was my intention. Thanks guys for wanting to help. Here is the deal I am married to an alcoholic. We have been married for almost 5 years now. When we first married and moved in together he would take off for 2 to 3 days at a time. He would check into a cheap hotel somewhere and binge drink. I never knew where to find him. The first time it happened I did not know if he was dead or alive or hurt somewhere in a ditch or something. Then he spends money as if we have so much to blow away. Anyway when he went MIA for 5 straight days back in 2004 and spent a lot of money that we had just gotten back from our income tax return, I put my foot down and told him that if he insisted on drinking himself to death, then I didn’t want to watch and I was leaving. He checked into a rehab that day. He was sober for about a year. He did disappear one more time. It was Feb 20, 2005. I know that date because I marked it on the calendar. Since then he did start drinking again, but I come to accept it because I rationalized that it was just beer now (not vodka and Jim Beam) and it was only on the weekends. Plus he started raising chickens here on the farm and he enjoys it. It gives him a hobby, an outlet, and he can’t take off because there will be no one to take care of the chickens. Up until now it has worked. That was until yesterday when he didn’t come home from work. Money has been really tight lately and I tracked down his spending on line. He withdrew $100 from the ATM yesterday evening and then another $60 this afternoon. I called the bank and cancelled his ATM card just an hour ago. I honestly thought that the taking off on drunken binges had stopped, but I guess I should have noticed that lately drinking on the weekends has become drinking a couple times a week too and so on. I am not making excuses for him, but if any of you want to offer advice, keep this in mind too. When he married me he took on two problematic teenagers. My son is now 19 and he is self efficient. He works, has bought his own car, pays me room and board, and comes and goes as he pleases, but he and my husband do clash personalities from time to time. My daughter on the other hand is 17 now. She is terrible. Pushes our buttons, pushes the limits, breaks the rules... My husband and she fight all the time. Yes I have been to Alonon meetings in the past but I felt like I didn’t fit in. I was extremely uncomfortable there. My husband use to attend nightly AA meetings but since we have moved on the farm he stopped and doesn’t want to go. He has a controlling character. He has to be the one in charge all the time. He has to be the boss. His work life sucks because he has been with the same company for 12 years and is getting nowhere and I make more money than him which must be hard for him to deal with. He won’t change jobs. I think he is afraid to. Anyway I sat up all night long thinking and wondering where he is and how much money he is blowing and browsing the internet and looking for answers. Should I leave him. Should I stay and try to help him through it AGAIN!. I have always been supportive of him. I have never forbidden him to do anything he wanted to. I am angry. I am sad. I am hurt. I am scared. I am worried. And I know some of you are thinking that maybe its another woman, but its not. I have already thought of that in the past. Its the booze that he is having an affair with. On top of all that, I have recently (just last month) been diagnosed with diabetes and I have been having a really hard time trying to deal with it especially since I have already fought ovarian cancer about 10 years ago. It scares me because I have seen some people in my family suffer from it. Then Thursday at the doctor’s appt, he wanted to know about my liver. This is the fourth time a doctor has inquired about my liver. He said that my liver enzymes are extremely high and wanted to know if I knew why. I really don’t. He asked if I was a drinker. How is that for irony. I drink one mudslide a year on the 4th of July and that’s it. Now he wants to test me for Hepatitis. What does all that mean. I honestly don’t know. I know nothing about liver enzymes or Hepatitis and I was too ashamed to ask and too ignorant to try and find out. I guess that is what people call denial. I have had Hepatitis shots in the past as my work requires it and nothing has ever come of it. Of course I haven’t told my husband anything about the liver bullshit. In the meanwhile, my boss is telling me that I need to be looking for another job because the grant that pays my salary is about to run out of money. Other grants have been put into play and is paying for the hiring of other people but not me. The jobs available are basically for almost the same exact thing that I am doing but my boss has listed the jobs openings with more credential requirements than I already have. I am pretty sure that was a deliberate act on my bosses part because I have taken initiative and made things happen that she couldn’t and I have stood up to her lately and soon her job will be in jeopardy also and we will be competing for the same jobs that will be out there then. So that’s my shitty week. Right now all I am doing is sitting here waiting for my husband to come home which should be soon because like I said, I have cancelled his ATM card. And when he does come home I have to figure out what I am going to say to him and what I am going to do. I really don’t want to end my marriage, but I don’t want to feel like this either. You agreed to listen so help me even if you just say to keep my chin up. Share your trails and errors with me. You all gave me some great advice once upon a time and I did take it to heart and act on it. Come on guys.....help me....I’m drowning here...
im sorry to hear of your problems, you could maybe take a month out to visit some family and talk with them maybe
I too am sorry. Not to make you feel worse, but I can only imagine what it feels like to be in your position. I really don't know what to say to help either. But I agree with thedevilsreject. It sounds like it would be a good idea to take some time off to spend with your family. That's what they're there for! And honestly, hard times like these are when family can really help you. It doesn't seem like you could just leave your daughter and son to fend for themselves with your husband. Maybe something could be arranged. You and your children could temporarily live with some family, or a sister or aunt could live with you guys for a while. You can't and shouldn't attempt to deal with this on your own. Confide in a sibling or somebody close and willling to help.
pasquala, Huuumm... I can relate to that. My wife used to drink a lot and spend quite a bit. But I was firm with her, and when she became pregnant, she gave up all that. Have you tried a special diet? My wife went to a naturopath and he gave her a diet. She's not diabetic, but she is insulin resistant, and needs the same diet. Avoid carbohydrates. Eat a lot of protein. Eat lots of vegetables. Avoid potatoes and foods with high glycemic index. That's the diet in a nutshell. But I would still advise seeing a naturopath to see exactly what is right for you...
I'm sorry, I have no advice to offer you regarding your husband, he is obviously very ill and his only way of coping with his illness is to drink more, which only exacerbates his illness. Being a heavy drinker your husband may actually have liver cirrhosis, which could also mean that he has hepatitis C. Hep C is highly contagious and it wouldn't be unlikely that you may have caught it from him, in fact, anybody in close contact with a Hep C carrier could catch it. For your sake, I hope not, but: My advice to you therefore is to go and get those tests done, Hep C is a killer.
Okay. If you have either family or friends, pack a bag - grab the kids, pile in the car, get the fuck out of dodge. You're not going to settle anything sitting there waiting. Being realistic, this is what you've been doing ever since you realised you're husband hasn't been on the waggon. Get in the car - burn some rubber, be with people who will just be there for you and make a start at sorting out your own life: priority number one. You're job is blown from the sound of it anyway, if they can stand to let you go they can stand a few days without you in the office. This is you're life we're talking about here. Prioritise. I'm not talking about divorce here or separation - I'm just talking distance. Go. Once you get a bit of space, then decide what you want to do. The only way out from under this is to take the initiative. Do it. Yes, it does mean that things are going to change. About fucking time by the sound. Pardon my French. By the way - the liver function thing. It's a side effect of the type of diabetes you've being diagnosed with. It needs looking at, especially if you're currently being treated for high blood pressure. If you are, the liver function thing could actually be a side effect of that rather than diabetes - it needs looking at basically, so do the function tests.
You have more than one problem. I suggest divide and conquer. Your husband is an alcoholic. He shows no signs of beating it. The statistics say that he probably won't. If you choose to stay with him the odds are that you will be living with an alcoholic for the rest of his life. (Unless you are a lot older he will predecease you.) How much do you love him? Enough to put up with this? If you abandon him will you feel so guilty that you can't stand it? Can he survive without you? Your daughter certainly won't miss him. You have your own health problem. You need to deal with it quickly. It's the one unknown that you can probably resolve, so do it and get it out of the way. Even if you have something dreadful it will be better knowing than wondering, especially since these days they can cure practically anything. Especially since youf daughter is apparently totally dependent on you and you can't afford to let her down by becoming an invalid. Your daughter is a problem. You don't go into much detail on that. Will she be better if your husband isn't around? Is she worried about finances? Kids are not as dumb as we think, especially teenagers. It could be that by getting your life in order you'll do the same for hers. You have a job problem. I can't really help you with that since I'm not even sure what you do, don't know your education, where you live, etc. But you need to become more assertive about your career. Perhaps take classes, start a business, or just look for a better job using the skills you already have. You probably won't be able to do that until you solve the husband problem, either by deciding to put up with it or deciding not to. I keep a book full of gems of wisdom from TV shows. One that comes to mind now was from the old original "Kung Fu" back in the 1970s. A young person is wracked with indecision. He has many possible things to pick from, but time is of the essence or he will lose the opportunity to take charge of his own life. "Oh Kwai Chang," he says, "You are the wisest. What must I do?" Hoping to get somebody else to share the responsibility. "That is obvious," says Grasshopper. "You must choose." Sometimes the most important thing is to stop dithering, make a choice, and move on. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Don't go away, keep in touch and tell us more. I get the impression that there is a bit more to this story.
Get the kids to go and stay somewhere else for one night. Explain to him you're about to lose your job, you feel ill, you're worried, you need his support and the best way for him to support you is to be there and be sober. It will be hard, as I'm sure you love your husband, but he needs to be scared into realising he's totally fucking things up. Scare tactics might work best. Explain the liver tests and that there's a possibility it could be caused because he has cirrhosis of the liver (it is possible, apparently ^ a little bit of a white lie). If you make him dinner for when he comes home, don't that night. If the TV is on usually, have it turned off. Make your kitchen table bare and basically make things different so he feels uncomfortable and can tell something isn't normal. When he asks where the kids are, explain to him that you aksed them to leave you alone for one night and that you need to talk - they agreed it was a good idea. Lay down the rules he has to follow and tell him straight the consequences if he doesn't. This is where you need to be strong and you need to mean what you say. If you threaten to leave him and you don't look sure, it's not going to drive home to him just how much of a problem things are. Ask him what's making him unhappy. I'm assuming when the pressure builds up he goes for a drink. Tell him you love him and want things to be better, but for the sake of your physical and mental health things just can't go on the way they are. However you decide to do things, I hope things go your way. Chin up Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Everyone keeps saying to go somewhere, but there is no place for me to go. The only family I have is many miles away and besides that I don't have a vehicle that could make the trip. My husband left with the only reliable car we own. And I have a personal rule of thumb that I live by...no matter what happens in a relationship between a husband and wife, I never ever tell my family (for me that is just my mother and one brother) what is going on because I may be able to forgive and work it out, but family will not...so, I am not acustomed to telling my family my marital problems. When he comes home I know what will happen. The same thing that has happened in the past. He will be meek and regretful (the only time when he is like that) and I will protest that I will leave if he ever does it again. Wait gotta go I just heard a car pull up more later
Sorry, my bad It was just my head playing tricks on me So where was I... So I will tell him how I have been feeling because of his actions and I am thinking about leaving. He will say that he is sorry and it won't happen again and please don't leave and how lucky he is to have me in his life, etc. etc. I will cry and tell him that if it happens again, I will leave. We will most likely have sex and it won't be talked about again. Then he goes back to becoming the in control master of the household as he always is. One of you mentioned that you think there is more that I am not saying. Perhaps that is truth to an extent. He loves me very much. He adores me actually. But there times when he just has to be in control. He is paranoid a lot. He always thinks that me and the kids are plotting some sort of conspiracy against him. Which couldn't be farther from the truth, but the way he acts about it makes it easy for us to talk privately behind his back in order to avoid a seen. Some days it is as if I have to walk on pins and needles. But I understand from Alonon and the many books that we have on our book shelves that is a part of the desease of alcoholism. Then there are the times when he takes what I say and twistes the words around to fit his need at the time. He makes it sound like a personal attack against him. He is so strong willed, intelligent and deep at times and then other times he is acusing and so insecure. It is like an emotional rollercoaster. Let me finish telling you in my next post. I just realized my last post sounded as if I were in danger or something. I just want to post now quickly so you all know that I am not (not that I have ever been, he is not violent towards me at all. He has never laid a hand on me)
Moving on.... Yes, Fraggle Rocker, my daughter is a problem. She is so defient. She is into dressing in black (hair, clothes, nails, lips) and emoing. She demands my attention. She gives my husband a hard time especially and he has tried to bond with her on many occasions but she makes it hard. Then on the other occassions he rides her case so hard that I feel sad for her and want something better for her. She is always grounded for stupid shit. It has been particularly worst lately because she has started talking to her real father which she has seen or talked to since she was 4 years old. All of the suden he is her hero. She forgets that he still owes me over $37,000 in back child support. Another problem we have with her is that she is a chronic lier and a theaf. She can't tell the truth if her life depended on it. We can talk to her and try to level reasonably with her and say, "look, we are giving you the chance to come clean and tell the truth" and yet she will still lie. She will lie about unimportant shit that don't even matter. She makes shit up too. I can only guess what kind of shit she is telling her real dad. Of course I talked to him and told him how she is and to take whatever she tells him with a grain of salt. I hope that wasn't crossing the line and interferring in her relationship with him. She steals. I had to go to court with her last year because she stole a braclet at school. Court costs, probation fees, couseling fees, and $500 later, she still hasn't learned a lesson. My husband and I keep a lock on our bedroom door because we can't trust her. We even sat her down and told her that we were willing to start over and wipe the slate clean. It didn't work. As for my health. I am scheduled to have the Hep tests and other blood work done on Oct 15. I did meet with the nutritionist as well as the doctor this past Thursday. I felt like such an idiot because I don't know about liver stuff and Hep. But as I have said in an earlier post....This is the fourth time that a doctor has mentioned something about my liver and two of those times where before I had ever met my husband. Back when I was recovering from OV cancer and chemo, I went for my yearly exams and had a ultrasound done. At the time I went for the ultra, there was a new person being trained on the machine and the person training her asked if I would be a geany pig (unsure about that spelling) and let her scan all of my organs. I agreed. Later when I went back to the dr's for my ultrasound results, the doctor shared with me that my liver was particularly enlarged and appeared to have white deposites on it which she said was most likely cholestrol deposites. But nothing more was ever said or done about that. It was just mentioned as a matter of factly kind of thing. Which one of you said something about High blood pressure and/or diebetes causing the liver enzymes to increase? Well it just so happens that first the doctor diagonosed me with hypetention disorder (high blood pressure) because everytime that I went to the doctor's my blood pressure was extremely high. But then he diagonosed me with the diabetes and said that I in fact did not have high blood pressure because every time I went there I was sick with something and was taking over the counter sinus medicine which in turn made my blood pressure rise. So for about a month I was actually on blood pressure medication. Now I am on a pill twice a day for diabetes and another pill twice a day for cholestrol. The doctor has even went as far as to order a medical alert braclet for me. I just wish that I wasn't so scared of the word "diabetes". It is mostly because of both of my grandmas had it and I watch them take shots of insulin and I was frieghtened to death by it. My husband (dispite making him out to sound like some sort of crazy man) has been very supportive and has actually monitored my eating habits. You see his mother also has diabetes and he himself is a borderline diabetic so he has some knowledge and has educated himself with it. He said, "we met late in life. He had waited a long time for me to come into his life and he isn't going to let me die and leave him alone". You see what I'm saying....he adores me. About my job, well I am hanging in there. My boss first started out being the best boss I ever had. So supportive, so flexible, and things like that. She was actually a human being, but now that things are so iffy, the grants are not being funded the with as much as they use to be, congress has made drastic cuts to our program and the programs that colaborate with us, and Pres. Bush has now recommended zero funding we are hard press to do what we have made leaps and bounds to do in the past 4 years. Our program is a great program. It helps a lot of people who otherwise would not get an education and it provides other supportive services to the clients and their families. I have done a wonderful job. I am very good at what I do. I have made so many accomplishments and have helped our clients to reach so many of their own goals. Everyone that I work with knows how hard I work and what I great job I do except for the higher ups. They think that it is my bosses doings that has lead to the success that we have endored. Now that we are in threat of losing our funding, my boss has become a terror to me. She finds me to be a threat to her. That is why things at the office has been so hard for me lately. In fact I have made her look good on more occassions than I can count. She takes credit for my work and I have made our program what it is today. But I keep on doing the best job that I can knowing that the clients appreciate what I do and they know that they can depend on me. I do get satifaction and a reward in that much. Well, I guess I have said enough. Sorry to be so long winded. You guys are my friends now. I really don't have any friends here where I live because we are still kind of new to this area. My only other friends live far far away. I will be checking in and out on this thread with you. I am still waiting for him to come home. I am surprised that he hasn't yet. After all I have cut of his money supply and usually brings him home sooner more than later. Oh and if I suddenly cut off a post short it will be because he is home and I want to address our problems just as soon as possible and I don't want him to know that I have been on the internet airing out all of our dirty laundry. That would not sit too well with him. Of course right now at this point I have the upper hand. I don't play that card too often. Later.
Busy life.... Check out the leaflet which comes with you're cholesterol tablets - look under side effects, see if there's anything there related to either diabetes or liver problems. Given a family history with diabetes in it, undoubtedly you probably do have diabetes, however - about a year ago my mother was placed on a regime of new tablets for taking care of her cholesterol levels. A few months her blood work came back indicating reduced liver function. She was diagnosed with possible type 1 or type 2 diabeties... Thing of it was, she didn't fit the profile for either. Anyway, bottom line of it was she wasn't diabetic - it was the cholesterol tables she was prescribed. I'm not suggesting don't take the things, I'm just a little bit concerned, with a family history indicating diabetes it's easy to overlook further causes aggravating an already existent condition. It might be, as you're doctor possibly suspects, hep - you need to be screened just to make sure. But one thing you should also investigate are side effects associated with the specific type of cholesterol reduction agent you're currently being prescribed... You never know, it might at least practically help with something. Everyone one reading this is going to want to respond suggesting things you they think you need to do. Really, all you want to do is get it out of your system and just get someone else to understand. I think it safe to say we all get that. Also safe to say, no easy fixes here. But that isn't what you're posting this is about. The fact that you're feeling you have to let this out even if it's only online is indicator enough of what you're most pressing current problem is. You're surrounded by the people who matter to you the most and yet you have to express what's going on in you're life and how you feel about aspects of it with strangers - why not them? That's the issue you have to face and do something about. Communication. It's here in black and white. Why aren't you're family knowing this? Parts, the bits that concern them, perhaps they have an incling of - but are you actually letting telling them - "Look. I can't cope with this anymore." You're obviously a strong, resilient, resourcefully, capable woman - and that's probably how you're family see you as well. You're likely the one that copes with things, gets the job done, sorts things out - it's the role you assume, the face you're going to present when you're husband eventually returns home - but it isn't who you are right now. How are they going to know this unless you tell them? From the sound you seem like the only one currently working the hardest to keep things all together - and that's an admirable thing. Truly. But consider for a second - if you're the one doing everything, keeping everything ticking along - what role does that actually leave for the others in your family? You indulge you're husbands pride to allow him to feel he is in control of things, as the Man of the house - but you know damn well and good, this is a sham. You're the one running things, Pasquala. Not even deep down but right under the surface you're husband knows this also - it's why he feels he has to assert his authority so controlling, because he doubts its validity himself. He knows it isn't true - but the surface illusion is all he has, possibly literally. It's one of the facets which fuels his drinking. You're know doubt feeling that the world is going to hell in a handcart right now, and its you're job to do something to keep it all together. This is why you're writing, so as you can get you're woes out, take a deep, deep breath and get back to carrying the load which has become you're life all by yourself, because there's only you to do it. But this isn't true. There are people there, you're family. I know you're husband drinks and you're daughter brings nothing but problems - but if this is all they are allowed to be this is all they will remain - are you actually doing anything to allow them to do anything more constructive or are you just dealing with it for them, thereby meaning they don't have to and so carrying on. When is the last time you actually let go of things, Pasquala? Have you ever...? In you're very last post you appear to have you're responses towards you're husband already worked out - from experience. Yet experience has lead you to this point and will do again. You're husband expects a scolding. He expects you to lay down the law concerning you're marriage and will accept as such because has this not always been the way of things throughout you're relationship? He possibly even wants this opportunity to tell you how much he adores you, how important you are to him - these situations appear to be the only times, from what you describe, when this happens - when this is allowed to happen and this has become wired into you're relationship. Have you ever considered the notion that perhaps it is only these time, when you are close and open with each other, that he actually gets to feel like a whole and complete man? You have to be honest with yourself here and ask you're self a very fundamental question - could you live without this man? The drinking, obviously, but what about the man himself? Don't tell me. Tell him. Tell him all of it. Break the cycle. Fall apart. Let go. No one ever cleans up a mess for themselves if there's always someone constantly there they know will clean it up for them - tell the truth you have told us to you're family. You can't cope anymore. They in turn will have to start, but are you prepared to honestly let them try..?
