INDIFFERENCE ….Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye So you think you can love me and leave me to die Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here Nothing really matters; anyone can see nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me Any way the wind blowsBOHEMIAN RHAPSODY (QUEEN) “Live lightly” my mind urges, pointing me back to my original path. More than just a declaration of preference it is my subconscious announcing its hard earned realizations to me, lost as I am, in the hustle and bustle of everyday life - “Live lightly”, it repeats, not only in material wealth and fabricated ownership but in acquired responsibility and care. Life is too short and far too absurd to be taken seriously. The cords of all tyranny are indubitably tied through multiple relationships and weaving interactions, each anchored on a physical need that governs our reason and dictates our responses accordingly – a faked solemnity follows; a mummified heart. Life pushes us forth into the world, naked and seeking purpose. It forces us into self-realization. Then the world, in turn, pushes us forth into entanglement and participation; it dresses us up in finery and gives us a directional horizon until we feel we have found our way. We become enthralled in the everyday, and the aesthetic takes hold of our concerns until what we are, what we seem like and what we want, become indistinguishable. We become convinced by our own pretence, afraid that we might be little more but that, until we become… little more than that. The world, as a manifestation of a shared interpretation, tells us what to be and how to be it - our ambitions focused and contained, our sense of self-worth imposed upon us from the outside, once all personality has been shamed into seclusion or stunted before it could grow and flourish on its own. We eventually grow tired of resisting; we begin questioning our own sanity in the face of overwhelming odds and relentless insistence. Then we start taking account of our dimensions using their rulers and trying to live up to their expectations – they remind us of our failings, in relation to them, daily, until our every thought and action is infected with their concerns. “Live Lightly” I answer back. In the beginning a deep sense of integrity was instilled in me. My youthful mind was stained with integration where my honour and self-worth resided in someone else’s assessment of me. I was empathic, to an extreme, and saw far too much for my own good – I felt too much. What they said mattered. What they thought concerned me. What they suffered pained me. “Do your duty and you shall be rewarded” I was told. “Be good and good things will come to you.” I was reassured. I wanted to be pure in a world of filth. I wanted to be honest in a world of deceit. I was to heal the human condition of its disease, with kindness and knowledge. How was I to know that it was I that was the price of their need? But the world contradicted itself. I was befuddled with how the most obviously disingenuous, disinterested and irresponsible characters, the most superficial personifications were, almost always, rewarded with admiration and affection, even while they were secretly gossiped about and criticized, as only that which we fear as incomprehensible and uncontrollable can be. The rule-breaker is worshiped from afar, even while a hidden vengeance cheers for his demise. His solitude is his uniqueness, his aloofness is his power. These characters were “examples to be avoided” yet an undeniable appreciation and envy resided behind all social disapproval of them; a feeling of undeserved liberty, mocking conformity with its presence. The common sentiment is almost always comforted by the idea of a future comeuppance - what they call Karma - and they rejoiced in vindictive approval that excuses their own surrender: The naysayer shall have his just rewards; his insolence, in disregarding common values, shall be punished by a community that cannot tolerate such free-spiritedness. The individual shall be put in his place, so as to cease reminding us about how our own amputated “individuality” is but a communal product, framed by Ten Commandments. These irresponsible, care-free cynics, these “ignoble” spirits, taught me indifference. Remnants of my original idealism still linger within me, manifesting themselves in the most trivial ways, such as: an anxiety about showing up late for work or making promises I am not sure I can keep and reneging on my word or a reluctance in taking on responsibilities I cannot guarantee remaining loyal to. But now I resist falling back into old patterns. It seems absurd how my sense of dignity was so tied-up with what another expected of me or on how living-up to their expectations constituted my self-esteem. I don’t give a shit anymore! What are these ideas of integrity? Towards whom am I to prove myself as genuine when all intimacy is but a dance of deceit? Am I to measure my value by the way I treat the average or how I relate to retarded minds that know no better than to aspire to be acceptable or by how they fulfill their instinctual needs; am I to find my truth in how I am judged by someone else? My ‘seriousness’ extends no further than my Being, and my interests in others, and their personal problems and their expectations, are minimally engaged these days - and then only as far as there remains the possibility of them contributing to my own entertainment, enlightenment and comfort. For what else can common rabble offer me but common pleasures, as they dish out their already digested slop and lick their lips with pre-assumed satisfaction? They bore me to tears. I am now much more selective about who I choose to associate my self with. They must exhibit some of my ilk; I must smell something of me in their breath or else the hell with them! And how surprised I’ve been by the human condition? Existential contradictions confused me with a potential, hidden, pattern that I sought to find and use to my advantage: -Man seeks a life fulfilment that would make life irrelevant – a hopeful death wish veiled in optimism. -Man seeks an end to suffering and evil – the very things that are responsible for the emergence of his consciousness, showing a vulgar lack of appreciation for his benefactor and a deep-seated resentment for existence - a meandering escape from self, veiled as a virtue. -Man becomes worthy of what he is the most indifferent to – an existential irony. The full glory of life, rewarding only those that show the least reverence for it, the ones that become the least attached to it. Here reason exposes an approval for the absence of need. “Live Lightly” I’ve always had an antipathy for excess. I despise it, in its many forms. My gypsy soul has been brought up on essentials and carryon luggage. I’ve always had to pick up and go, until it became normal. Nothing ‘heavy’ could be taken along. I’ve had to train myself to distinguish fundamentals. What cannot be used is unwanted dead weight - it can only burden me with its mass and slow me down in my wanderings. I am Spartan by nature and not only through heritage. Every spring I do major house-cleaning and everything I haven’t found a purpose for or lost a use for goes directly into the trash bin or is given away as gifts to friends and relatives. I cannot tolerate their presence; they remind me of wasted time – energy lost. Their mass pushes down on my soul, with all the collateral considerations they entail. My friends are horrified by this. In a world of ownership, things are collected and stored as mementos or for possible future use or for posterity. The masses collect objects in an effort to store time, to freeze it in a moment; their ephemeral natures wanting substance, wanting symbolic eternity to compensate for time’s attrition. The only things I’ve ever needed to collect were books, images, music and experiences…collective memories attached to my personal ones. I have an innate nostalgia. A few years back I noticed my accumulated CD collection: more than one hundred compact-discs, each containing but a few songs I actually enjoyed listening to. So, one fine spring day, I decided and acted: I copied the tunes I wanted onto ten blank disks and the rest I gave away. My friends were confused, even if thankful. “Why, the hell, would someone throw away or give away what he owns and had paid for? Why would anyone give up his …his….stuff?” “Live Lightly” I respond. Excess insults my senses. My ideal state would be where everything I need could be carried upon my physical person. A magical all purpose Swiss Army Knife, is what I want, to go along with my all-purpose body and mind; an accessory to my being, to ease my journey without limiting my flexibility. All peripatetic souls need light luggage and multi-purpose instruments. The rest is superfluous. I’ve approached everything in this way. Every new possibility must be evaluated, by me, as to its feasibility and its utility. I conduct a mental cost/benefit evaluation with every opportunity. I never enter into beginnings without analyzing, beforehand, if I will be able to take full advantage of its potentials or if its potentials are worthy of my efforts. I’ve never quit anything as a result – I’ve failed…but I’ve never quit. Many take this character trait as a sign of fearing disappointment or take it as proof of laziness, when it is nothing more than a loathing for excess - of wasted effort and time - of expending energy towards what will not offer me its promised pleasure or towards what I lack the talent and stamina to complete, according to my own judgment, or what may entomb me within unnecessary responsibilities. I am obsessed with remaining flexible. Conservatism is a consequence of social and economical entombment. The mind becomes rigid when it ceases having options, when it has bought its way into mythological eternity and strives to maintain the benefits of its investments through weak associations and shady alliances – calcinations solidifies the results. Thought, then, becomes institutionalized in its own desires when it stops challenging them; it thinks itself special and invisible – it escapes through pretence and repetition. Withering minds will always bury themselves within castles or under relationships. I could never understand people who needed large houses – large empty spaces to pretend liberty - chasms of echoing emptiness where they store their souvenirs. Small homes were more my style - all my essentials within arms reach; nothing but the necessary. The world was not large enough to hold my spirit, but it is large enough to keep me satisfied in my short time here. There’s no need for compounds and concrete citadels. Largeness is for the small. “Live Lightly” Being obsessed with control, in all its many forms and illusions, I’ve discovered, only recently, the power of letting go - of flowing upon the winds of happenstance and rolling with the punches - of not caring as much. The simple power of indifference has become apparent, as some existential conundrum that confronts my logic and which I can never hope to understand. I intuit its ‘power’. The more I squeeze things, the more they slip through my fingers. Yet, the more I allow them to rest there, cupping my hands delicately, the slower they abandon me, leaving behind remnants of their essence in my mind. They become a part of me by changing me. Ownership is about assimilation. I’ve become indifferent, not about the event, the situation, the circumstance, the object, the person itself or about life, in general, but about the outcome, the final destination. I’ve become an audience of my own being – a detached observer of life: watching, enjoying, trying, but never fretting too much over the results. Win or lose, fail or succeed - the confidence that the experience only matters, confounds my ego and humbles me. I am a vehicle. The ultimate result is one and final. The rest is filling. “Batty: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe... Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion... I watched sea beams glitter in the dark near the Terhausen gate... All those moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain... Time to die. “– Blade Runner Second Reading I now see how much I cared, how much I wanted to find someone to depend upon, to rely upon, how much I needed…. All of them disappointed me, in one way or another. And how many have I disappointed in turn? How could it have been any other way? Frailty can only expose itself in time, it can only fail. This was my weakness, my error. I see my fault now. I see it, and I know better. I expected, when I should have expected nothing. A man must only rely on himself….and nobody else….nobody. A man must need only him self and no one else…no one. A man must expect nothing from others, but only from himself...only from him self. Then, see them flock to you, seeing your indifference as strength and your aloofness as confidence. See them gather to see what this power is…and why it is so, wanting to taste it. Has not that always attracted women to men? The bad-boy, the callous indifference of a man that could care less about them as an individual; a man that used them as a means to an end, as a tool for his energies and pleasures, that has always been what women found irresistible. They called it by many different names, to protect themselves from the obvious, but it has always been male indifference they found attractive. Hasn’t that always been what attracted, both women…and men, to power? Wasn’t that what every great leader, through history, has done - used men with cruelty and indifference? Hitler, Napoleon, Caesar, Alexander, Genghis Khan, name one, all pushed their men forward into battle, with little remorse or second thought. They sent men to their death and thought little about their individual suffering, about their families and wives, their pains. They could care less about the blood of their inferiors. They were but objects to be used and cast away. And, oh how they were feared and admired for it, how they were hated and worshiped because of it. Do we not still speak of their accomplishments with awe? Do we not still worship them with our every mentioning of their names, even when we tell ourselves we hate them, even when we cringe at their coldness and brutality? Minions flocked to offer themselves up as sacrifices for their greatness; wanting to gain a piece of it by becoming a part of it – collateral damage in their glory. I see it now. And was not the uncharacteristic show of compassion, from a cruel man, valued more than any other man’s? What value does the compassion of a kindly man have? What is the sympathy of a Holy man worth, what is the love of a loving man worth? What value does it have when it is offered indiscriminately and without a second thought? What value does a prostitute’s acquiescence have, when every man can have her? Her spread legs and inviting bosom mean nothing, her embrace has no importance. We feel no sense of accomplishment when we get what she gives, for a small price, to all. But let a cruel man show love, or let a vicious man show compassion, and it becomes an instance of grace, to be spoken of for ages, and the recipient of his love or compassion feels unique. We covet the attentions of an indifferent man, because only his gaze matters. Is that not why women feel an attraction for the serial killer, for the vicious murderer? How special they feel when they are loved by a man that has shown such cold-blooded inhumanity towards others. The killers care becomes a prize they covet, and if they receive it, they are raised to the heavens. And afterwards, when they have been used and abused, in turn, because such men can only love themselves for any period of time, they run to the good compassionate man for comforting, they cry upon his shoulder and tell him about how they have been treated by that vicious creature that tricked them into thinking it was capable of love, yet a secret desire still burns for that feeling of uniqueness only such men can offer. A desire no ‘good’ man can attract. Is it not such men that remind us of nature’s ways? They become personifications of universal indifference and their passing moments of empathy make us feel like we’ve been touched by God. This is man. I see him now.
so....did you write that? if so, you sho got a way with words! can i critique...hehe? gonna stop me?? i sense from your writing or choie of writing, a deification of cynicism after battered idealism tis fits wit how i've experienced your thoughts in that other thread seems like you ...love indifference and feel it is attrractive to women. especially in its extreme modes, and in a way feels good to you as you feel you can thrrow out unwanted attachments. such is your way of not accumulating posessions when i have a go at people who show hard-faced feelings towards whatever, i usually cal em 'callous and indifferent' i also am not mad on the Eastern version in say Buddhism. you know, the buddhist sitting and trying to become detached and so on. i feel it is a male attitude particularly--which is fearful of emotions, feelings, and so seeks some solace in imagining a transcendence of these , sometimes' labyrinthe of mixed emotions but i dont see real liberation in his OR yur moern cynical attitudes. but rathe in diving IN to complete ecstatic expression OF emotion why? because we are needing to feel. we NEED feeling. its true, a child ill feel. and ten society knokcs th fuk outta it. happened to me, you, most. some try all kinds of escape to escape tis massive hurt-s....some go zombielike, and dont even knows it so wht i do is not imagine this is the way it is supposed to be. but look at the stories that mainTAIN it....that create the stage fo it. that batters people into......
Yes. Idealism is a sign of youth and naiveté. With age you choose a path, knowing that it is flawed and imprecise, but one that you judge to be superior than others. Indifference is another word for confidence. A confident man is indifferent to the particulars, knowing that he has access to others or the ability to acquire others. Indifference produces courage, in that it eliminates the attachment to expectations. Not even life is expected. “I believe in nothing; I hope for nothing. I am free.” - Kazantzakis.
Was this before he began his discipleship to Saint Francis of Assisi, became the guru for a group of communist refugees from the Asia Minor campaign which ultimately led to his arrest in 1925? Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Sorry, couldn't resist..
Society has always worshipped the 'black sheep' because they were the ones to never conform to the norms and standards set by the whole. As individuals we want to be like them but felt afraid that to do so would result in being ostracised by our friends, family and community. The media, both print, audio and visual, have always pushed the notion that the rule breaker does end up being the 'good guy' in the end. The one on the outside looking in is the strongest, most powerful and you're right, most alluring because he is not shackled by the rules society placed upon him. He is strong enough to take only what he needs and wants and ignore the rest. Yourself. But where is the surprise? The pure enjoyment of a new discovery at the end? If everything is evaluated in such a cold manner, planned to such an extent, you leave no room for a possible new discovery. You've taken away the joy of simply doing something for the mere hell of it. Sometimes not knowing the end results heightens the pleasure or pain at the end of the journey. Good... The journey is always more interesting than the end result.
That is quite beautifully put Satyr. You give a shit, otherwise you would not bother to order your thoughts in such a thoughtful and poetic manner. Eitherhow I connect with so much of that piece. “I believe in nothing; I hope for nothing. I am free.” - Kazantzakis. * Do you wish it was that simple? Perhaps believing in the value of the very breath one draws, for its own sake, and expecting nothing from the universe other than the ample bounty it offers so freely, is the freedom that unbinds the mind from the manacles of this silly society that we are born into?
Brilliant post, but I think you have the wrong idea about karma. Is simply says that you are responsible for your actions, you have control over the decisions that you make. I quite like it.
This is a common misunderstanding of karma. It derives from seeing oneself through the eyes of another, and taking that for self, and then comparing that with other people, the criterion being "common values". For example, if a person is born a cripple, and this is interpreted as "due to this person's bad karma (that is, due to the bad actions he has done in the past lives)" -- and such is viewed as *punishment*, then this is a sign that the cripple is measuring himself by external standards, "common values" (that are mostly about physical and financial provess). Developing one's own criteria and measuring oneself by those, what the world thinks does not represent a valid measurement anymore. In such a case, the crippled person would not think of their handicap as a "punishment", but simply a reality of their life. He he. The six C's of space clearing
Karma is a hindu construct used in the vedas and upanishads to represent a law of the universe: cause-consequence, action-reaction, everything you do comes back to you, you reap what you sow etc.
