"rip, rip, blood, dlood, pain. these demons live in me"-Anguish

[cthulhus slave]

im not sure what to say... uumm. ive been trying to figure out what to say for a little while too.

well. as some of you know, and most of you dont, I cut. Up untill verry recently, like this past week, ive fellt no reason to stop. but ive been scaring myself latly. ive been cutting cuntinuesly for about too years. but i know i did it when i was 4 or so. and again when i was 9 or 10. but those were just little bursts or whatever.
but latly... uh. i dunno. unless you cut you wont understand.

i found a board for cutters. i tried to talk there but everyone was too gushy gushy lovey lovey. and i know you guys, so fuck if you dont get it.

let me think of how to say this.(as im typing this my hands are shaking) before it was never anything serius. i never thought i might really hurt myself. like just minor cuts a scratches, never going deeper than where i could just start to see the muscle under the skin. and it hurt. like hell. and i loved that.
now its like i cant even controll myself. for atleast a month or two ive been cutting so much... whenever im alone. i always keep a blade with me now. and i cant feel it any more. i have to make them (the cuts) longer and deeper. i have to go slower and press down harder. sometimes il go over the wound sevral times till i can feel it. yesterday i cut for about 2 hours. that was undoutadly the longest ever. when i finished i new i was hurt. my arms and legs are still throbin and i know i lost too much blood.
but i dont want to tell anyone you see. i mean ive spen years now basing my life around keeping this a secret. i cant imagine telling anyone, particularly my family, being any better than how i am now. i have sevral friends who also cut. some i knew before i started and we inevitably found out that eachother cut. some i knew cut and made friends with them after i started. almost all of them have been caught now. i had to see ren get taken away to a hospital. and the fact that she stole a scapel while there and slit her wrists didnt hellp. i had to see kiken's mom find out and now shes strip searched evry mournign and her mom checks her room every hour and daily she searches for blades, tax, pins, anything sharp. leann was caught first. i knew she would be. she was never carefull to hide her cuts and scars and she showd them to too manny people. and jesse.... omg... jesse. i dont even know what happend to him. i havent heard from him or seen him in a month or two... i have no idea what happend to him. they probably sent him away to some crazzy house or somthing.

i dont want to have to go thru that but i dont like going thru this any more. its gotten to the point il see streeks down my arms, onmy lower arms where i dont cut cause ppl will see, and i dont remember getting it even tho i obviusly did it myself. im scared.

... does that strike you as ironic as it does me? "im scared.". i hate saying that. not because its shamefull to be afraid, but because the thing im afraid of is myself now. i hate being like this.


i know that before long im going to really hurt myself. i keep going deeper. im certain that soon il inadvertantly slice a tendon in my shoulder and badly lacerate a muscle in my thigh.

im not sure if what i said earlier was true. maybe i do want my parents to find out. im only 15 if you didnt know. i usually say im 23 just because i can remember that year, 1980. dunno why really.


i dont know why im telling you all this. i guess i have no one eles to tell. all my friends who also cut just push it off, in a manner of spekaing, by saying things like "thats just part of the game" "dont worry. youl stop by then" or they just give me the normal advice "just cut high ont he arms where no one sees. never use a dirty blade. catch all blood with a paper towel ad burn or flush it. dont leave blades in the open". and my friends who dont cut who ive tolld just dont get it. dont get what this is.

i put the blade to my skin. and i feel it there. i press it down and feel a pinch. i push it harder and drag it thru my flesh but all i feel is the ripping of flesh. i never feel the pain anymore.
part of me wants to stop all together. part wants to just go on and forget it all. part just wishes that i could feel it again.

my shoulders are so slashed. and my legs are getting stiff. i woke up a dozzen times last night because every tim ei rolled over one or another cut ripped back open and blead and shot pain into me.
why cant it hurt like that when i need it to instead of making me have to go so far?

i feel alot better having simply told some1 about this now.

please, if anyone can help me at all. i dont want numbers or books or sights or places to go for hellp. i just want to tallk.

[Judas]

I used to cut myself when i was in my teens.
I used to heat a razor blade over an open flame and cut so
the blood colored my chest. I also used to put salt in
there afterwords. Back then i didnt know why i did it, but today
i know and i think its for the same reson you do it.

I used to cut myself because it would make me feal something.
It would take away the emptyness i had inside. It would make
me feal alive.


Feal free to drop me a note sometimes.



Email: darkcrew@chello.no

Best Regards Judas

[Flores]

I don't have any experience with paining myself for pleasure, but I feel for you and I would love to help you some how.

I dunno, but I think that addiction is the main diseace that leads to everything problematic around us, from internet usage to cutting, to religious beliefs. I guess we are addicted to the level of getting a high feeling from whatever it is we are doing and we are unable to stop. Being addicted means that the person must recieve a larger dosage everytime for effectivness.

Addiction have no cure, but it could be supressed with various methods. I suggest you speak to a phsyciatrist about your problem, you may be depressed or manic and during these times you are compelled to do these things, so perhaps a drug to fix the imbalance can help supress the periods in question.

I also suggest that you start distracting yourself from the cutting, for example, you need to make sure that your schedule is full with stuff that you enjoy. Get hobbies, go to the park for a walk, read a book, go to the Gym, limit the time you spend by yourself to a minimum. Stay with a roommate if necessary.

[river-wind]

I found that pain was real. the rest of the world was complicated and mixed up; things were never clear, the answer to a question was never obvious. But pain was easy. it was simple. it was alive. I made me feel alive, because I didn't have to question. There's truth in "I am. I caused this pain. This is my pain. I did it, I feel it, it is." There is no question there.


Or so I thought. As time went on, I found questions in self-inflicted pain just like in everything else. They were just hidden better. That broke me. I was lost for a while; totally lost. I went through the motions of life, but wasn't really aware of any of it. I did enough to not be noticed, and phased out as much as I could.

But that didn't work either. So I started looking. For anything that was different, anything that was another possible solution. I couldn't find one. Everything I saw was questionable. THere were no answers. I began hurting myself again, more so that I could remember the feeling of being alive, but more under control than before, because I knew it wasn't true. It was at that point, a fix, just like taking a drug. It was a rush of life into a dead soul.

Then I found buddism. It too was full of questions, and surrounded by leaches pulling from it basterdised versions of the teachings. It was not the answer either. But it was enought to point me in the right direction.
Now I am. You are, death will be, and is. Life will be and is. THe pattern is what rules the differences, and the pattern is what can me worked.

I'm not religious, but now I have a project, so anytime I need to feel alive, I have something constructive to work on. Something difficult and demanding and flexable - something which no matter what goes on in life, I can always fall back too. and the only way to do it is to look at myself and work.

So while I sometimes sound like a tripped out hippie guidance counselor, it's just because I've found a path of work which is reliable: myself. The only thing I have a mote of real control over. Everything about the physical world come in to me through senses. Therefore *my* senses effect the world before I can become aware of it. Therefore I can change my world however I want, by deciding to alter my own perception of it. No different than hurting myself when I was younger. That method altered my perception of the world by forcing my brain to focus on one simple thing. I do the same thing today, but without the requirment of physical damage.

good luck.

[river-wind]

Originally posted by Flores

I also suggest that you start distracting yourself from the cutting, for example, you need to make sure that your schedule is full with stuff that you enjoy. Get hobbies, go to the park for a walk, read a book, go to the Gym, limit the time you spend by yourself to a minimum. Stay with a roommate if necessary.

No disrespect, Flores, but coming from a someone with more similarities to cathulu's problem, please allow me to clarify this.

I would not recommend sheltering yourself from this "addiction" (which it really is). To simply fill your life with hobbies because they take up time where in you might be cutting yourself will not work.

The methods may look the same to an outside observer, but what you need to do, IMO and IME, is look at the basic reasons for why you do what you do, and work on them one at a time. This will take the rest of your life, and maybe longer to complete. You will, however, find yourself working in hobbies like walking, reading, going to the Gym, etc. But you are not there sperating yourself from your own life, you are there learning more about yourself, and finding reasons to not cut yourself.

This way, again while looking similar to Flores's, is coming at the same solution from a completely different angle. In this method, you won't find bandades for your problems, and you won't find ways to ignore it. But you may find the causes, and then the solutions to the problems. This is where you will find freedom from your 'addiction', by finding it's root, and controlling that; not by trying to control the symptoms.

Controlling the symptoms is a method which is very fragile. One rough day, and you find yourself cutting again, and can't stop yourself. It's not a fix, despite many psycologists trying to push it on people. Trust me in this one.

again, good luck

edit: do not discount the help that a professional can give, nore the help which time filling hobbies can give. Sometimes they can play a vital role in simply controlling the symptoms enough for you to get a handle on yourself to the point where you can start searching for roots. The fault is in begining to rely on psycologists or hobbies as a solution instead of a tool to reach the solution. Then you are simply trading an addiction for an addiction.

[Flores]

I agree with riverwind that drugs, hobbies, and company are not the final solution to your problem, but they are more like the bandage that you can put on your problem to avoid more blood loss while you look at the solution.

I find myself destructive to myself, no physically, but in other ways, when I'm by myself. I know that I'm extroverte and needs people attention to go on. You also may be an extroverte and needs people in your life to help you figure out your life. Needing people to figure things out doesn't undermine your abilities, for example, try to figure out what Socrate would have been without the dumb person he was dialoging with? You need someone to recopricate with you so that you can make progress. Sometimes I think I was Socrate in a past life, where the only tool I need to solve any problem is by communicating it and dialoging it with someone. I try to find suitable people for each aspect of my life. For example, my husband is good in giving general moral advice, while my mom gets down to the nitty grity, while my dad is the critical one that exposes my wounds, and my sister will make me feel good no matter. Find how the people in your life really fit in your life and arrange them accordingly. I'm never able to understand things by myself, I always extract the answer out of others without them even knowing that they are helping me, and at the end of the day, I feel gratefull to them and they are somehow amazed by how smart I'm, little did they know that they taught me everything I know.

Surround yourself with good company and talk about your problems loud. Fuck the privacy crap and the meditation, they'll drive you crazy. Think out loud before you do anything, yell at yourself, remind yourself out loud, and confront your problems head on as much as you can, make fun of it, criticise it, tell others about it, it's the first step to understanding it.

[Mucker]

You shouldn't cut yourself Cthulhus slave, but I'm sure you know this. Have you tried taking drugs?? They might help. I mean whenevr you feel like cutting yourself, get stoned, or drunk, or something. it has to be better than cutting yourself surely. Be careful though! I don't want you getting smashed and going over the top with cutting. :)

[cthulhus slave]

Judas and river-wind seem to be the two here with the right idea. flores is getting there. mucker sound slike hes in a decent mind frame but hes spilling out jubberish.


to flores
"Surround yourself with good company and talk about your problems loud. "
good company. isnt that an oxy moron? ive tried to tell my friends. the "ordinary" non-cutting onse dont get it at all and it feels like letting thme know just made it worse.
and like i said about my friends who do cut ther just as lost as me it seems.

"yell at yourself, remind yourself out loud"
already do that. most of today was spent curled on my bed telling myself to leave the razor on my desk alone.


"tell others about it"
you obviusly dont understand the first thing about it... i cant. i tried and it didnt work. and even just trying that hard was near unbarable.

"I suggest you speak to a phsyciatrist about your problem, you may be depressed or manic and during these times "
NO. i cant handle the thought of telling some1. and generally im very manic and angry. but i also do it when im depressed, anxius, watever.


"Fuck the privacy crap "
no.



"You also may be an extroverte and needs people in your life to help you figure out your life."
um.. im not really what one might call a people person. and if i cant understant myself then sure as hell no one eles can.



to rievr-wind

"I did enough to not be noticed, and phased out as much as I could."
just what ive been trying to do all my life. some people want to be at the center of things. i dont to have anything to do with people. they piss me off or make me sad. adn arent those emotians why i cut?


"do not discount the help that a professional can give"
im not. i simply dont want the help of one.

to judas-
"I used to cut myself because it would make me feal something.
It would take away the emptyness i had inside. It would make
me feal alive. "
yes, iether to feel when your numb or to numb you from what you feel. its always one or the other.

to mucker-
uuhh... ide rather not.



_________________________________

thanx every one for your hellp. il try some of these.

[Flores]

cthulhus slave,
I'm a hotty, and I wanted to send you tons of kisses all over your body and plenty of hugs and tickels and loves, and I would love to stay and talk to you the whole day, just please don't cut yourself.

Why do you hurt yourself, you are awesome, you are a human, once you were a cute baby and now you are just as cute. Life is beautifull, the glass is half full.

Do you think that if you got showered with love that you would feel sad and lonely? Do you think if a girl entered your life and adored you, that you would find it worth while to torture yourself and torture her with you.....

I know how hard it is to be addicted to something destructive to yourself. I was bulimic for two years and it took me the death of a close friend who screwed up her heart muscles and osephegus to stop. I still feel like doing it sometimes, but I try not to, I try the harder way of not eating at all or excercising like crazy instead of vomiting.

Stop cold turkey, now for good. Break all the razors and throw the knifes to the garbage, and if you do it just one more time, it's okay, and it's not the end of the world. If you want some pain, how about 30 pushups right this second......

Love
Flores

PS.,
I'll be back on the site on Monday, I want a full report of how many times did you get negative thoughts and what did you do with your weekend.

[cosmictraveler]

People who cut themselves are trying to say something to someone but because others don't respond it's their only way to "feel" emotions at all. Pain is an emotion that is as strong as love and when love isn't felt, pain can and sometimes will take over for that lost emotion.

So your looking for someone to give you what you THINK your missing. Your not missing love because it can hurt more than those cuts believe me.

[AntonK]

Hey... seeing as I basically use my real name on here I wasn't going to say anything, but the fact is a LOT of people went through this about your age. My reasons may have been different than yours, but i'm sure they're similar enough. Some people are saying you did it just to feel something, like you were empty inside without it. I wasn't that way, I felt something, I felt a great deal of mental and emotional pain, anger, hurt, fear, sadness. The cutting or any other form of pain could completely overshadow that and make me forget about it. I was someone different. I was dealing with the physical pain, being strong in the face of torture (though self inflicted). It was my way of making a pseudo-hero (at least in my mind) out of myself.

I don't do it anymore, haven't for a long many years. I can tell you why I stopped, but you won't like it. Many of you wont, and that's fine. I became Christian. It wasn't a magical supernatural transformation where suddenly the hurt, pain, envy, sadness, etc went away, but it was as if there was something else that could help. I still felt like cutting myself a lot of the time, and I didn't stop instantly... it took time, but I did. I was able to pray about it, which was my way of talking to someone about it.

I've read what everyone has to say about Christianity and such, and I'm sorry everyone feels that way. I've never pressed it upon anyone on Sciforums, so please keep the flames to a minimum, I'm just sharing how it was for me.

-AntonK

[river-wind]

thanks for the info, Antonk. Chrisitanity didn't work for me, but I'm glad it worked for you. I hope Cathulu can find something which works for him. Depending on desctruction for balance is a slippery slope, I have found. I hope he finds something else. Though it's not always easy to break away from what you know, it's often worth doing.

and Flores, were you to ask your questions about love to me, my response would be:
"Love does not take the place of the simple pain. Love is just as painful, and the good times are always laden with the thoughts of the bad which will eventually come. Go ahead and shower me with kisses, that doesn't make me happy, it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know the joy you are trying to shower me with; I am confused by the happiness you seem to have. I don't know what that's like, and pushing yours on to me doesn't seem to work. And yes I would feel loney Even lonier than before, though surrounded by attention. I would be in a room full of people, feeling like I couldn't connect with any of them How much more loney can you get than that?"

This is why I'm single. It's why I've been single for around 4 years now. I enjoy hanging out with friends, but becoming too close to someone has always lead me to the same place: they are more happy in their happy times than I am. This leads to an imbalance which tends to destroy the relationship. Until I can find out the reasons in me which prevent me from knowing what a moment of blissfull happiness is, I'm not ready to comit myself again. I think I'm getting closer, but I'm not quite there yet. I don't know if I'll ever get there, to be honest. But that's cool, because in doing this work, I've found that I truely don't need it to live. It's a different life than most, but it's a good one.

Cathulu, if there is anything I can do to help you out, let me know. You are heading down a difficult road, and I'm not going to try and pretty it up for you. If yours is anything like mine, you are in for a few years of very tough times. However, If yours *is* similar to mine, I can tell you that the journey is worth it. The calm centering which can be found on the other side is quite nice.
Just remember that *you* are in control, even if it doesn't always seem that way. Once you have found solutions, they will seem sinple and easy. Actually finding them, though, will be one of the most difficult things you will deal with in your life.

Solve them, however, and a new world will open up. I'm not shitting you.



I know how hard it is to be addicted to something destructive to yourself. I was bulimic for two years and it took me the death of a close friend who screwed up her heart muscles and osephegus to stop. I still feel like doing it sometimes, but I try not to, I try the harder way of not eating at all or excercising like crazy instead of vomiting.

Stop cold turkey, now for good. Break all the razors and throw the knifes to the garbage, and if you do it just one more time, it's okay, and it's not the end of the world. If you want some pain, how about 30 pushups right this second......

This is true. as true as it gets. From this side, the side where the pain is under control, it's really this easy. From your side cathulu, it seems impossible. Once you do as she says, though, it will seem as simple as it really is. Despite all the confusions of life, you are able to do what you want and accept those consequesnces. If you don't want to cut yourself any more, no matter how difficult it may seem to do now, just stop. When you get an urge, say No. When the urge come back, say no. when it come back, say no... The first time I did this, I had a mental break down, didn't get out of bed for 3 days, rocking to myself as my desire to function as a person battled with my innate desire for simple pain. But when it was over, I had won. not a fun week, but had I not gone through it, I would not be alive today. No question. What finally prompted that battle in me, was, similar to Flores, the death of my best friend. He killed himself, and as far as I know, because of the same thing you are going through now. Don't let it beat you. kick it in the groin and keep on moving.

RE whitewolf below: /me huggles whitewolf for her wisdom.

[whitewolf]

I know people who cut themselves, however I never dared to stick my nose into their business or pull them into mine. I never cut myself, as a matter of fact, I can't stand any kind of pain.
I was suicidal for a few years, and suicidal thoughts are a bit of an addiction too. I got myself out of that depression, all on my own without any shrinks, with help of one or two friends, and, mainly, with my own thinking. The conclusions that I came to may sound cold to you now, but you may discover similar things...
You most definitely do not want to do drugs instead of cutting.
Drugs, suicide, (cutting?), is a way to escape. You need to think long and hard to figure out what it is that you're running from, and, if you wish to live, you need to confront life (no other choice). Sit and ask yourself questions until you answer them.
I escaped from regular life problems, thinking that the world hates me and everyone will be joyous when I die. Each individual has his own reasons, and his own ways out. I found my way out in faith too, and it made me feel powerful and in control. Cthulhus, your way out will be unique, but you have to find it yourself (not even a shrink will help you there).
It may take you years to recover fully, you may slip back a few times, but this experience will make you stronger in the end.
Your friends are useless in explaining your behavior, but they will give you acceptance and affection. You will need that.

Due to the fact that your wounds are so severe, I strongly suggest you seek professional help. This is the advice given to everyone that inflicts pain upon self uncontrollably.

[cthulhus slave]

flores- " cthulhus slave,
I'm a hotty, and I wanted to send you tons of kisses all over your body and plenty of hugs and tickels and loves, and I would love to stay and talk to you the whole day, just please don't cut yourself. "
are you saying that if i keep cutting youl leav me alone? hu? i thought u wanted to encourage me to stop . oh well. atleast you spellt cthulhu right.


"Why do you hurt yourself, you are awesome, you are a human, once you were a cute baby and now you are just as cute. Life is beautifull, the glass is half full. "
i was an ugly baby. im still ugly now.
the glass is only half full as oposed to 3/4 is because your tears of sympathy keep filling it back up while im drowing in it. do you want me to drown?


"Do you think that if you got showered with love that you would feel sad and lonely?"
yes. probably worse because then id still feel lonly but for no reason.


"Do you think if a girl entered your life and adored you, that you would find it worth while to torture yourself and torture her with you....."
i dont want a girl to enter my life. and if a girl, or any one, "adored" me why should i adore them back? becaus their so foolish as to love me? and why would she love me if she couldnt exept the torture as well? perfect set up for an s&m stile abusive relationship isnt it? sept im not sure weather id be the s or the m....


all im saying is stop showing this artificial kindness. you have no reason to even care. you cant possibly understand at all and from your words im lead to believe that you dont. i know all you want to do is comfort me and make me feel alright. i dont want to say that thats not what i want, because im sure it parsially is, but its not gonna work flores.

[evil_mouse_420]

Hello my name is Mouse and I understand because I was and still am at times a cutter and even more so how I understand about 2 mounths ago I went psycho on my arms and had to go to a mental hospital it was a hard time. Just today I wrote a song/poem and thougth you as a cutter might relate to it.


Suicide By: Mouse
The pain that I feel on the inside
Is now my outside pain
I don't know what to do
I feel stuck kinda like glue
Your words cut through me like a knife
Tonight is the night I'm ending my life

Suicide,suicide,suicide

My life was short and not so sweet
Lifes got me down, got me beat
The pain they all caused was cut deep
Your just like them, a flock of sheep
I'm breaking down I've fallen apart
This is the end there is no start

Suicide
I'm cuttin' again
Suicide
I'm bleedin' from sin
Suicide
Dead inside my only friend
Suicide

The pain that I feel on the inside
Is my inside pain
My life was short and not so sweet
Your words got me down, got me beat
Your words cut through me like a knife
Tonight is the night I'm ending my life
I'm breaking down I've fallen apart
This is the end there is no start

Suicide
I'm cuttin' again
Suicide
I'm bleedin' from sin
Suicide
Dead inside my only friend
Suicide


My inspiration came from my life hope it helps in some way

~Mouse :m: ~

[cthulhus slave]

lol, good work mousey.
we just posted at the same time. its weird when that happens.

ive never really attempted scuicide. i swallowd a handfull of asprin about a year ago but i knew it wouldnt kill me.
thats a nice poem.

i had a friend who earlier this year ended up in a hospital cuz she cut too much. she sas she doesnt do it any more, but i worry about her.

[evil_mouse_420]

Thanks I'm glad you liked it I'm sorry your going threw a hard time but hey so am I. I'm still fighting depression and cutting you never stop but right now its hard and easier to know that others feel how i do

~Mouse:m:~

[spookz]

screw the negativity and cut away

[evil_mouse_420]

Not to long ago this is some writing I did after I got out of the hospital it was how I was feeling


What is life? What is death?

For so long I wanted death, but why? I know nothing about death, yet I craved it. I needed it because it's so easy to end it all. A drug for all the whacked out kids. A drug called suicide. A new trend everyone thinks about. Only the bravest do it. A drug like no other. The pain you feel on the inside becomes the outside pain for all to see. They say what a shame, how sad, but only then your gone. I admit I wanted death. I choose suicide. I was addicted to it for so long, the way I could die. Some days it was all I thought about. But why? Is my life that painful? I guess so at the time, but you never really think how it affects your family or friends. I feel we need to stop with all drugs. They're bitch ass ways. To escape the world but you can't, it comes back to bite you in the ass because one day those drugs put you in places you don't want to be. But that's life. Life isn't all pain. It is some happy, but when you're depressed you can't see it. Life sucks to you. But that's life!


~Mouse:m:~

[cthulhus slave]

flores- "PS., I'll be back on the site on Monday, I want a full report of how many times did you get negative thoughts and what did you do with your weekend."

actually keeping a log doesnt sound so bad.
il have it all zipped up by monday :)

[cthulhus slave]

im sorry to hear that mousey.
atleast we can keep eachother company thru the shitty spots right?

well right now im not so shitty. im soo thrilled at having made a full day with nooo cuting!!!
ya bla bla bla. just one little day. but i didnt think id make it this far! i know it can only get worse and harder from here but right now im positive for a change and i want to holld on to this feeling for a while. atleast untill i want to cut again. then its back to doing anyhting possible to get my mind off it.


-edit-

its 1 am now... im starting to want to cut alot again...
i just want to make it to monday. if i can only make it that long.
just to monday. monday.


i went back to that cutting board. well the call it SI, self injuring, but i hate that term. anyway its odd because thats a place just for this sort of stuff. but its the people there... there all overly nice and kind. its creepy ya know?

like "weve all been there. we know what your gong thru. youl be alright" ok, you say im gonna be alright, if youve "been there" how about some fucking advice!?!?!
that and i know most people here and im comfortable talking to you guys. and theres more then 20 year old lesbians talking about how there fathers sexually abused them and 12 year old autistic girls ranting like sychopaths and screaming like satan here. theres sane people. - edit- no offence to lesbians.
... thats a good point i just inadvertantly came upon. why do cutters always seem to be female? aside from myself i know of only one other male cutter. i read somewhere that 60-80% of all cutters are female. on the web poles ive seen its always just about 75 percent female. isnt that odd? oh, and mousey. i wrote a poem too!

---------------------------
dimmest stars, by Alz.

dreaming of a place away from my broken glass and scars.
somwhere far away past the dimmest stars

somewhere untouched, dark, and cold
somewhere to unlearn all ive been tolld.

a place to forget the insults and fights
that are preserved in the flesh i cut every night.

a place so dark i cant see the scars
somwhere far away past the dimmest of stars.
------------------------

[evil_mouse_420]

hey C.S. its kewl life goes and one day you will feel better because tomarrow is a better day

~Mouse:m:~

[cthulhus slave]

one day.
i dought that tomarrow could possibly be any better.
and not the day after.
or the day after that.
but someday.

[moementum7]

Hey Slave. My automatic reaction was to instantly think that you were fucked up.I mean seriously.
But then I realized that I am actualy guilty of the same thing in a way.Only my self torture was mental.I realize now that I am pretty hard on myself at times.Really hard.Unfair actually.

I am not like this all of the time,I am learning to be a little easier on myself and my failures and/or mistakes.

Wow......all I have to say is that if you can learn how to redirect this energy,which obviously you have a lot of,then you will be laughing and successful one day.

Slave,.....what would you do or say to someone you really loved.Like a freind or family member or whoever.
Seriously think about this and don't just toss it off to the side.Do not continue reading this post until you come to a concrete awnser.

Well.....what would you do or say?
Now do this to yourself.
How do you express to yourself that you truly love yourself? Do you ever take the time to do this?This might sound silly ,but this is a very serious problem for alot of people.They never take time out each day to show themselves that they love themselves.

I am not even sure if I remember reading that you are actually 100%ready to stop cutting.

A couple of little things.....
Always focus on what you do want,...not on what you don't.

How would you feel if you did quit cutting yourself?
Would you feel more powerful or less powerful?
Close your eyes and imagine yourself and how you would feel if you conquered this habit.

You might also benefit from learning state management.
How learning to use your physiology can and will have a direct influence on how you feel,think,and even perceive the world.

Try exercising.
you need to challenge yourself in someway,physically and mentally.

Man,you are 15 years old.You are so lucky.
You need some new models in your life.People to learn from.
I am 28 years old.

I could go on and on with ways to help you develop a strategies for change.There is some cool stuff out there to learn that you can apply directly to your own life.

It doesn't take much to change.
You just need leverage on yourself.
It sounds like your getting that leverage by becoming somewhat disturbed with the degree of your own actions.
This is a sign that you are becoming ready for change.
This is a good thing.

To my suprise you have shown moments of great intelligence.lol
I hope that didn't come out sounding to negatively.

Anyways if your serious about wanting to change...right on.
I admire you for that and stand behind you 100%

However I hope you are not some weak minded fool who has just wasted the last 20 minutes of my life.
That probly sounded a little bitter.
My time is precious.

Odds are,I will never meet you.I will probly forget about you.You will probly forget about me.

But as long as I know that you are searching for the best within you, then I will always know you,through every struggle.
Peace Out

[Xev]

"You will probly forget about me."

Already have. Now shut up.

Slave:
Of course I'm not going to start yammering platitudes. You'll either suceed or fail on your own, and don't let anyone get off on saying that they helped you. Don't let them get off on telling you why you do what you do either.
You're the only one who has any fucking clue what you're feeling, yeah? Talking to people who feel simularly can help though.
Good luck.

[cthulhus slave]

moementum7 "Hey Slave. My automatic reaction was to instantly think that you were fucked up.I mean seriously."
it seems to me your automatic reaction is absolutly right.

"I am not even sure if I remember reading that you are actually 100%ready to stop cutting."
thats because im not. and i dont think i will ever be.

"Slave,.....what would you do or say to someone you really loved.Like a freind or family member or whoever."
first i would have to find some1 i love.

"To my suprise you have shown moments of great intelligence.lol
I hope that didn't come out sounding to negatively. "
nope. sounded like absolute prais to my tottale genius.

"However I hope you are not some weak minded fool who has just wasted the last 20 minutes of my life.
That probly sounded a little bitter."
yah, just a little.

"But as long as I know that you are searching for the best within you, then I will always know you,through every struggle."
its starting to sound like your the one wasting MY time.

xev- "Of course I'm not going to start yammering platitudes. "
and for this i thank you.

"You're the only one who has any fucking clue what you're feeling"
im not sure if even i do. but if you say so...

"Talking to people who feel simularly can help though. "
is it just me or did that come across sounding as if you were inviting me to the locale asylem?

[Mrs.Lucysnow]

C-Slave start a punk band and slash on stage. Trust me people will come to see you, the cutting can confine itself to public display of mutilation and everyone will think you a god and wish they were you.

...I'm not being funny or facetious either!

Read Geek Love by Kathrine Dunn.

"Freaks are born not made"

Sublimate all that RAGE baby! Its powerful creative juice.

;)

[cthulhus slave]

woot!
i could be the next maralyn manson!
but id have to say it would lea twards goth/black metal if i were to make a band.
lol.
thanx for the advice lucy!
now all i have to do is learn and instrument or how to sing...

[cosmictraveler]

Does this mean he will start to kill puppies on stage next? Marilyn Manson did that and he is one sick pice of shit!

[moementum7]

Slave,
*nope. sounded like absolute prais to my tottale genius.*

That's what I like to hear.

Don't worry slave,I will stop wasting my time and yours.

A couple predictions:
Slave will get exactly what he deserves,what ever that is.

Xez, will never find true love,and will die lonely.

Damn I'm good!

[Xev]

cosmictraveler:
No he didn't, that's a myth.
Now go kill yourself, you're an idiot.

moementum:
I couldn't give a shit about true love and haven't felt lonely in years.
Now go follow the advice I just gave cosmictraveler.

Slave:
"im not sure if even i do. but if you say so..."

Oh, I doubt you do. I doubt it's possible to ever completely understand it.
The trick is to control it before it becomes harmful, which is what you're doing.

[moementum7]

Hey xez......I'm better than you.:)

[cthulhus slave]

moementom, i am strongly considering taking all this frustration out on you instead of me.
is that what your goal is?
iether you care so much ur trying to make me mad at you so that i dotn hurt myself, so i hurt u instead.
or your a fucking retard who wants to die so your pissing off some1 like me in the fuckin chance that il kill you.
if i fuckin saw u face to face id kill you.


i feel sick...
i havent been eating or sleeping.
i cant imagine withrawl from crack being worse than this and i cant imagine an ecstasy crash leaving anyone more fucked up.

my fists hurt. i spent half an hour punching the floor.

every time i try to fall asleep i jump, kinda like how your legs kick and wake you up as your getting to bed, but with my whole boddy.
when i do fall asleep i wake up within 15 minutes in a cold swear feeling like im about to die.

this mourning, around 9, i gave in. i burned my arm with a lighter. but thats not as bad as cutting would have been...

i wish i were sane.

[Mrs.Lucysnow]

C-Slave I am not a cutter so I won't pretend to understand the urge, but I don't believe you are insane. Whatever your internal reality may be cutting is probably a normal manifestation under that particular circumstance (whatever they may be). You need a catharsis, a method of expressing and converting all that energy.

Why did you first cut? There must have been a time you didn't and decided that doing it was necessary.

[moementum7]

Whatevers clever slave.
Honestly I do care.
Not enough to send you money or a card.
But,in some way ...yeah.

As for the killing thing,the feelings mutual.
Maybe you should put that energy into drawing better cows.

Good luck with the mental thing.
You will find help when your ready for it.:D

[cthulhus slave]

it was a good cow... it just got burgerized...
im feeling a hell of alot better today.
thats probably because i cut again last night.
i was carefull not to hurt myself too much tho.


to lucy-
"Why did you first cut? There must have been a time you didn't and decided that doing it was necessary."
i cant even remember a time i didnt.
i can remember times when i was as young as 8 or 9 hiding and cutting myself up with safty pins or paper clips.
somettimes when i get a cut on my arm and my mom or big sis sees it they jokingly say that it looks like im cutting again. when they first asked that i was like "hu? what are you talking abou?"
then my sis mentiond that time i carved my name on my foot when i was 4. i think i tolld you that already.
but the first tim ei really started doing it consiusly was when i was 13.
i dont remember why but i recall being really mad. then i found a safty pin and, guess what! i cut my arms again!
and you know what? i fellt better afterwards!
from then on when i was overwhelmed, angry, sad, anxius, afraid, whatever id just cut and be better. then i moved on to knives but found them awckward and clumsy so i started using razors. before too long i started going deep enugh to get all these scars on my body.
then, as i said, i had to go deeper and hurt more for that same calming affect.
and then i began doing it almost all the time. every day. that was about december last year i think.
before i knew it i would do it whenever i was left alone.
whenever i could.
and all it did was get worse.

so why did i start? i dont even know. it just came to me as the thing to do. up untill then i dont think i even knew what a cutter was.

so why do i cut? if i dont i feel like im going to go kill some1.
or like il just explode.
i just dont know how to work, mentally an dphysically, when im not in pain anymore.
its like a drug i think. it litterally changes your brain. so you cant stop. even if you want too. you simply cant think straight and your body stops working. or atleast thats how it is with me.
but sometime, for whatever reason, when im feeling fine and stress free and my life is just absolutly fine i dont have too.
its like when i would ordiniarrily feel bad that if i dont cut it seems to ampliffy times 10. maybe because im used to it just getting numbed away by the pain that ive forgotten how to get rid of the feelings otherwize. actually im quite certain thast exactly what it is.

[Mrs.Lucysnow]

Hey C-Slave, You wrote: maybe because im used to it just getting numbed away by the pain that ive forgotten how to get rid of the feelings otherwize. actually im quite certain thast exactly what it is.

But you don't have to get rid of feelings, you just have to feel them and then allow them to pass. Its interesting that you cannot tolerate intense feelings of anger/anxiety etc but you have a tolerance for physical pain. I think I am the opposite. The cutting does sound addictive which means you can break the habit.

I don't think you are insane C-Slave. Have you ever tried to circumvent the habit by other means besides suppressing it? I mean have you ever tried to channel those feelings of rage creatively?

I do understand the rage, I just used to break things. There was all this bric a brac and old dishes in my mother's house and I would smash them across the room and then clean it all up afterwards. Whenever I found really cheap dishes and glass I would buy them in stacks so I would have something to smash. I loved doing it, I loved the sound of shattering glass. Anyway...

There is no easy way out of this for you, there is no easy way out of difficult feelings for any of us. You cut to cope, some drink, others starve, but you are so honest about yourself I think you will find a way out (without medication or psychiatry).

*smiles* Actually I cannot identify with people who are not angry/rageful. Its like, if you are not feeling rage then you are just not paying attention. It aint all Disney ya know!

[river-wind]

every time i try to fall asleep i jump, kinda like how your legs kick and wake you up as your getting to bed, but with my whole boddy.
when i do fall asleep i wake up within 15 minutes in a cold swear feeling like im about to die.

this is called a myoclonic jerk (or a hypnic jerk, if it only happens once before you fall asleep); it's very common, and often is assosiated with a dream about falling down a set of stairs, or off a ledge. Not always, though.


i wish i were sane.

eh, life would be so boring, don't you think?


and as RippleOD mentioned, you feel better today because cutting now triggers a release of endorphins into your blood stream -you've trained your brain over time to do that, and maybe you were genetically programmed that way from birth, which is why you've started). It's chemically just like taking a drug, and physically just as destructive. There are other things which, with training, can bring about the same feeling, without losing control of yourself (which is the thing about drugs and p-sychiatrists I never liked).

Physical activity is definatly worth looking into. I do Martial Arts and Hiking. both healthy when precausions are taken, and both provide the feelings of hard work and success which helped me get through the long periods where it felt like I wasn't making any real progress.

Congrats on making through one day! No worries about not making it through two. start over; and try and do one day again. Just try for one day. Then after eneough failures and successes, you might realise that you just did one day, two days in a row. don't try for two days, it tends to be too difficult, and no days are achieved. Let it happen, one by one.


If at any point, CS, you feel that I'm becoming annoying, just tell me to shut it. Good luck!
RW



edit:

try not to soak your self in blood and gore like a psychotic pathalogical rapist psychopath killer
heehee; I used to get nosebleeds whan I was a kid, side effect of the dehydration caused by the Anti-depressants I was forcefed for years. But instead of feeling embarrased, I decided to put them to use. I'd tell bullies "If you hit me, I'll bleed on you!!!", which these days of STDs, is quiet a threat. I also used to take the blood (It was usually about 1/4 a pint by the end), and cover my face and hair with it, and film psycothriller movie scenes with my friends. No better movie make-up than the real thing. :D

[cthulhus slave]

o my o my o my...
so much to say and plenty of time to say it.

and ripple, that was one heel of a post il tell ya that!
nowi will disect it and tell you what i think...

"1. you have no self discipline or self control"
duh, if i did do you think i would still be cutting?
if i had controll i probably never would have started for that metter.


"1.a this is most likely a result of a deffective male role model in your life or your mother not teaching you how to express emotions without extreem consequences"
i keep trying to think about this. my parents seem like fine people.
my dads not a drunk who beats me every night. my moms never blown her lid and so much as screamed at me.
and i think there therain lies the problem. i think my mother must have some problem too. i have never seen her mad. ive fucking tried to. on purpose. to see if it was possible. but my mother is just so calm all the time i wander about her.
my father is usualy the same way. but at least he gets exitred about things. maybe i was just never taught how to deel with anger because my parents neveer seemd to have it. and i remember that when i was little and ide get mad my dad would just tell me that i need to go to my room till i calm down, that i need to learn self controll. thinking about this for some reason is, ironicly, making me frustrated and mad...


"2. you have an addiction to a drug"
aside from cutting, no i do not. ive never so much as smoked or drunk alchohol.... i am strangly proud of this.

"3. you have a habit of response most likely by way of diversion caused from 1.a

4. you lack the skills to express your emotions without acting out in your habbitual learned response which you were most likely programmed from 1.a"
i really wish i understood what you were saying...


"5. NOW THIS IS A BIGGIE
you have identified with the extreem nature of the whole issue of cutting to make it part of your self image"
yah. i know.


"and you feel a form of self worth from the unusual and extreem nature of the act"
no i dont. and fuck you in hell for even thinking that. i hate myself for it. it makes me a freak. it keeps from everyone. it means that im just too fucking immature to handle my feelings. i probably have an eq no larger than a ten year olds. and worth? if you mean physicaly, showing i can endure it, hell no! all it shows is, again, that im too fucking stupid to deal with my emotions in a remotly sane way. it means im retarded. it makes me the bottum of the barrel of humanity. fuck you for even thinking that i like myself like this! FUCK YOU!!!!

"this plays in your mind as a jumping point from one extreem to the other
i.e no one understands you(in genral) and this is what you do(cutting) and since no one understands you this is what you will do anyway...cut"
i would KILL, litterally, if it meant people could understand me and think of me as human. i would rip out your bloody throat if it meant i could stop and be normal again.. well i dont mean normal. normal sux... but atleast sane. and to those of you who say im sane, fuck you 3 ways all around! you have no fucking earthly idea what its like to have your mind ripping to bits. to only be able to controll your sanity and get it back by doing what it is that makes you insane. i hate this. and i hate you for not understanding that.

"would do you well at sports and hobbies that require repeat quality actions"
i hate sports. they piss me off. i cant stand working with fools that can only fuckin kick a ball and have nothing better to do with there worthless human lives.
howver i do act and do ballet - and fuck you, yet again, if you DARE call me gay.

"if you wish to make an effort to work through it and seek to cure your cutting i would be happy to PM with you
assuming you are not already biggoted in your thought processes
because that would be just an excuse for you to not bother trying again"
hell ya i want to stop! what do you think ive been saying all this time! i would like nothing better in this whole god damned forsaken world then to stop! i want to be in controll of myself. i want to be able to feel without having to stop! i want to be able to be left alone without hurting myself! i want to stop being afraid of myself. i want to stop being afraid of everyone eles. i want to stop being afraid...
il try again untill i die. i will try untill i do stop. i hate mysellf like this!!!! this isnt somthing i do to feel kool "wooo i can hurt myself! hey, wach this everyone! it doesnt even hurt! FUCK YAAA!" piss on that and shove it down your throat! whos the one with preconsieved notions, hu!? im not doing this to test my will. i have no godamn will, and i bloody want it back! i hate this! i hate giving myself up to pain. i dont do this because i like it. i hate myself, so i hurt myself. and i hate myself because i hurt myself. hows THAt a sychle for you!? i and fuck you and your 'no one understand or cares so il go cut myself... its a sychle baby!' fuck, i dont WANT them to care! i dont even want them to fucking know! if they did my life would only sink lower in the pits of earthly hell. i want them to fuck off! all those bloody stranger who think they know me and want to hellp! everyone who would pitty me and try to understand and simply think im crazzy! i know im crazzy i dont need them to think it too! my own parents would probably fuckin throw me in a hospital if they knew! fuck they care! i wish theyd buga up theyr own asses!

"an ideal three group would be talking at least once a day with someone who is preferably a councellor
doing exercise every day at a gym
and then going and bonking your brains out with a sexy
what ever your into guy/girl"
i cant get a counsler. i know one would probably be good for me but id have to ask for one, right? what would i do, go to my parents and say 'im scuicidal, i cut myself, my life is a hell and its probably all your fault' and expect them to do less than lagh at my damn face. or, assuming theyd believe me, lock me up in my room with nothing but a bed and slip food under the door.
and i dont have a gf. every1 hates me remember? and i can see why. i wouldnt like some1 like me. such a sycho ide be afraid hed kill me! and even if there was a girl i liked i couldnt bear to so much as ask her out. geting into a relationship would only hurt them and me. im used to getting hurt, of course, but how could i put some1 i love trhu pain?
and ive been trying to work out every day to get rid of some stress and it doesnt hellp. it does nothing. but if i keep doing push ups till i shake and collapes on the floor and doing crunches till my stomachs been cramping in pain fort he last 200 and i have to stop because i cant move anymore then i know il be super man before long:).... i dont want to type anymore. your makign me to angry.

[ripleofdeath]

so you have identified a couple more things that may be closer to the truth
first off read through your last post and try and think why you feel it is anyone elses fault for making you feel angry
you may learn to realise that only you have control over that ...
in time

you have an anger management problem
that is obviouse

so your parents as you have mentioned have not taught you how to deal with anger
thats nothing new
not many parents know how to do that

i would suggest you ask your parents to help you find a counsellor
and do not tell them what it is about
if they ask you tell them you do not want to discuss it with them

do you think it realy gets back at your parents by cutting?

you are addicted to a drug!
it is one of the strongest
it is produced by your body
it is called endorphines and or dopamines
that is what you are using as a drug to make you feel better
that is also why you are experiencing the neurological jerks/twitches
how are stringing your body out on the strongest drugs known to medical science

it is extreemly important for you to learn to deal with your anger and seek a counsellor to discuss how you feel honestly
obviousely your parents are not in a position to help you
because of how you and maybe they feel

S&M is the same type of addiction
though many would dissagree

it is good that you wish to start the process of seeking help

trying to give potentialy life saving counselling and or advice over the internet is about as risky as there is almost

maybe you could start by trying to think about why you might want to hurt other paople
are you wanting them to hurt you back just so you can feel
that is a very common course of abusive cycle

i would guess that your parents do not talk to you in an adult manner
as i have mentioned above it is all allot of guess work
based on just what you type and what amount of truth is in what you have put into words
to be able to feel something does not mean you can define or explain it clearly in writing

you need to primarily deal with your addiction to endorphines
but that will have to be done at the same time you deal with the underlying reasons that created the addiction

you speak about killing and death often and how you would like to kill people for expressing there opinion or for dissagreing with you
ballet is a great sport/art
lots of fit girls and guys who are genraly motivated
with structure and furthering education while maintaining a good level of fitness and flexability

try and think about what you are surrounding yourself with
lots of superficial suffering and talk of death
which is all actualy just marketing
how many meat eating people would hunt and kill and butcher and eat an animal just to eat the meat
most women would not
and not many more men
i am a vegetarian and dont believe we need to kill animals to survive in a modern culture

as river wind has mentioned martial arts is very good for developing mental discipline
but not all teachers know how to teach
just like all things
we are not perfect most if not all people have problems
it is not what type of problem you have as much as
do you try and make yourself better
are you making effort to change
do you seek help
why is it not acceptable in your community/home/school/peers to seek help?
you have many things to think about

take one day at a time think about every feeling that suggests it will be made better by cutting
it will take your body a few weeks to ballance from the endorphine hits you have been giving yourself

is shouting allowed in your house?
shouting is good punching bag is also good
too many situps and puch ups can create problems
if you ddo them to excess

good luck
if you think you are weird or a freak then just think for a moment about the type of problems that therapists hear about and work with on a daly bassis

groove on :)

[Xev]

Slave, ignore him. He's simply trolling to piss you off.


all it shows is, again, that im too fucking stupid to deal with my emotions in a remotly sane way. it means im retarded. it makes me the bottum of the barrel of humanity. fuck you for even thinking that i like myself like this!

No Slave, it doesn't. It means you feel more intensely than most. And coping with that is hell, and fuck you for hating yourself because of it.
And yeah, you could drug yourself into stopping it. Enough antidepressents and you can walk around in a painless haze. And this would mean that you're dealing with it in a sane way - it's what a lot of people do.
Would that make you any better?
You're the only person who'll ever give a fuck about you, and you're wasting that by hating yourself.
Yeah, so I'm a fucking hypocrite for saying that.

[Guyute]

You are a good person Cthulhus.....i dont want you to hurt yourself......mabye find other things that will make you feel the same way that you do when you cut. There are always other things....the world is a big place......explore a little.....

By the way....were does you screen name originate from?

Peace,

-Guyute

[cthulhus slave]

ripple... i dont how to put this...

wait a sec, yes i do, i hate you.


and goyute,
my name originated from many of hpl's books about the god of destruction and insanity, cthulhu.


ripple,
i dont wish to kill people for there opinions.
and hell yah i have anger isues!

ripple, ripple, ripple. you are stereotyping too much. dont make such minute guesses and attempts at figuering me out. the odds are most of what i post is venting, or what im thinkign at that particular sychotic instants.
and i pitty this world if u somehoe become a real clinical sychiatris... your poor pasients.
i dont want a profesianls help. i might at some point but i want to try to figure msyelf out first.
and news flash, nothing uve said is news! dont think i dont know about what i do. ive been trying to figure it out just as much as you, but unlike you, i know first hand. i know how it feels to need to taste that blood, to hear your flesh ripping, to feel the rush of numbness as my body and mind enters the haze when all i feel is the throbbing in my wounds. from what ive learnd 1st hand in the couple years ive been cutting is most deifnitly comparable to what youve learnd in however long youve been trying to figure this out.
but you cant. if we cant figure ourselevs out how is some1 only realieng on what we say going to be able to?
you have no idea how it feels ripple...
my parents? i said smthing about them...
my mom im sertain will understand. and im going to tell her.
anyday now, tommarow if i can amke it, im going down to b&n to pic up some book son it to give her. il sit her down. tell her what i need to.
i have to get thru this one my own, but i need someone to atleast know what it is i need to do n my own.
i dont want a sychologist/sychiatrist/therapist or whatever right now. i said that and i well may say it again.
im doing my best to figure myself out.



today i cried for an hour while punching the wooden frame around the bottum of my bed till my hands bruised, so right now typing is no fun.
its been years since ive cried... i needed to. im not ashamed of it at all. what shocked me was what i was half incoherently screaming at myslef while a corner of my pillow was down my throat so no1 would hear.
because i realised everything i was letting out and saying, much of wich i havent even admited to myself, was true!
about how i hate my mom for not noticing yet.
about how much i hate myself for doing this to me.
about how much i hate evry one.
about the ten thousand times i screamed "I FUCKIN HATE YOU!" to no one in particular.
about how all my friends hate me, but that i knew already.


ripple, dont tell me why i do what i do, what started it, or how il stop. you cant know any of that, especialy over an internet forum.
only i know why i do this. only i know how much i hate myself for doing this. only i can begin to know why i have to stop.
its not that im going to kill myself or that im afraid il cripple myself.
its because its making me even more misserable.
because every time i cut the numbness, the closest thing i have to joy, comes then. but before long, when i comt back tot he real world, i hate myself even more. an di hate myself so i cut again to end the hatred.
and i hate myself for making the sychle go on...
only i can help me.
no one eles can hellp me do this.
all i can do is ask them to understand and remove a part of the load off my pain. i cant handle any more when what ive got is too much. just get rid of the secrets im keeping from every eles an dhopefully what im keeping from me might com eout again too.
i need my parents to know. so im telling them. ive got a list of books and sights for them to see. ive got a speech all plotted out in my mind.

ripple, stop trying to understand me, you cant. its very agrevating when you are doing your best to understand youself and some1 elese is trying to contradict every revolation you have in your search.

if you havent noticed im calm right now. i cut before getting online.
the blood is crusting on my shoulders.
there are still tearstains and little red flecs of dried blood on my shirt.
i cant just stop cold turkey. id go insane.
and i cant just remove the problem that makes me cut, because the problem is deeply rooted in me. its nothing outside.
unless u think i can stop every insult, every deperssing thought, every random comment that triggers somthing in me.

my other real reson for stopping is to be myself.
i hate this mask i wear allt he time. this tough mask.
how im never emberassed no matter what happens to me.
how i can just smile a shrug off every mistakle i make.
how the jokes and insults just go past me and i dont even bother to look like i hear them.
untill im alone. untill i take out the blade.
and im sick of hating myself all the time.
im tired of never having friends because they might find out too much. i have to stop right now...
but first i need to let them know...

and im sick of having no futer other than being alone and hurt.
i want more for myself.
it never matterd how many people tolld me that, if they would bother too.
no one cares.
so i have too.
im stopping for me and no one eles and no one can help me.
it took that hour of tears runing down my face mixing with blood on my shit while i screamed and sobebd everythng that i never tolld myself.
i dont hate myself and i want to stop thinking i do.
you guys keep saying im not insane. but your lieing.
i may be sane at times but when i cut you try calling me sane.
you try calling me human when you see me laying in my bed drawing blood with robotic presision like i have done a million times before...
and you couldnt call me sane when i get so mad i kick a hole in the wall or get a bucket of whine bottles just to smash them or when get so mad i just cant take it...

and after seeing all that try calling me sane when im laying in bed at night wanting too kill my family for no reason... but i know i have no reason other than that they dont know im plotting theyr slow torturus downfall all night long while i lie awake in a sychopathic gaze staring at my cieling.
call me sane when i go 4 days without eating or sleeping because im feeling scuicidal and cant cut because im afraid id kill myself.
and you couldnt call me sane when i myself can feel my reallity crumble and the reall one desolve leaving me wandering what i feel, whats reall, weather what im hearing is really there or some hallucination...


and i dont like being like that so i have to stop

ive realised that what ive been blaming my cutting on actualy came from the cutting.
and the cutting came because the sane world was too much...
so where does that leave me?
my insanity scares me but the reall world is what drove me there.....


given a choice id rather live the one that i can prove is reall.
the one where i dont lay awake at night wondering if il kill myself tomarrow.

btw im not going to take any meds. i started this cutting so i can end it.

and last i would like to thank a certain girl- she knows who she is- whos life crumbled. who went thru this a thouand times worse and a thousand times more. a girl who used to mean a world to me but who thru her life away to her own madnes. she made me realise where i was going...
and even though i hate her for what shes done to herself i still love her... and i must thank her, in a sick way, because her downfall is what made me change...
i'l miss you ren. you may not be dead but your sure not alive anymore...



that was long and absolutly made no sence.
i had a lot to say so i said it...

[ripleofdeath]

cthulhus slave

the hate you feel, is it because i am trying to help you
after you have asked for it?

im not asking for thank you letters

i am not trying to understand you because to understand another persons perspective is obviousely impossible based on the fact that we are all different

if in fact you are at the stage you are talking about
i would suggest that you start being honest to yourself about all things
that does not mean you have to go around telling everyone what you think

and about your claim of venting well thats realy good that you think you can do that as a form of self help
if for one hyperthetical example you choose to consider all of sciforums just computers instead of real people
then would it have or give you the same result or feeling from venting to computers
i dont think so but i could be wrong
that is a concept to suggest the need to communicate with people about it

I AM NOT SUGGESTING YOU GO OUT AND PUT IN AN ORDER FOR SOME DRUGS FROM YOUR LOCAL DOCTOR LIKE THE t.v ADVERTS TELL YOU TO

that was Xev trying to swing her perception of what i might be thinking and then suggesting it to you as what i had said or suggested
THAT IS WRONG I DID NOT SAY THAT OR SUGGEST IT


are you an only child

you speak about people who you describe as friends then say you dont have any friends
being honest with yourself does not mean you have to divulge your deepest secret unless you want to ask for those people to accept it so you can discuss it with them


just remember your parents will be going though the same if not more learning about the whole thing than you will
and have feelings that they may try to hide from you to help support you as a show of strength
they will most likely feel a larger gap in understanding between you and them because of this and will have to deal with their own issues at the same time

good luck on your recovery

[Mrs.Lucysnow]

"you guys keep saying im not insane. but your lieing.
i may be sane at times but when i cut you try calling me sane.
you try calling me human when you see me laying in my bed drawing blood with robotic presision like i have done a million times before...
and you couldnt call me sane when i get so mad i kick a hole in the wall or get a bucket of whine bottles just to smash them or when get so mad i just cant take it..."

Yea I would call it human C-Slave, it may not be healthy but health is not a requirement for being a human being. If you are not human and sane for expressing your rage then neither am I and I don't know anyone (who is honest) that could call themselves such either.

It is those who pretend to not suffer (or have suffered) or know rage, hate, loneliness and pain that are insane. What most people define as sanity is really social pretense and hypocrisy. People only look sane on the surface, dig a little deeper and there is a hornets nest of muck. What i find more important than what larry the crackpot would call sanity is lack of guile...and you certainly have that.

You wrote: my insanity scares me but the reall world is what drove me there.....

Well then it is not you who are insane but a sane person reacting to insanity. Normal under the circumstance. Cut yourself some slack why don't you. The feelings are NORMAL you just manifest them differently. There are many methods for coping and you have chosen cutting and suffering is what has brought you to it. You will eventually help yourself.


PS: So what you want to kill your family! If my mother only knew how often I had murdered her she would never see me again:D

[Squashbuckler]

You should have seem my face when I first read what you do to yourself.
The first thing that came to my mind was disgust.
It was sheer and utter disgust that someone with waste such a life. But it makes perfect sense. Self immolation is taught everywhere.


You alone must value your life. You must discover what is your passion. You have a choice here on earth, and that is to possibly live and be happy, appreciate what it is that the world has to offer, or you can choose to isolate yourself and slowly beat yourself down until you DIE.
THAT IS RIGHT. YOU WILL KILL YOURSELF!. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DIE?

HOW DARE YOU DIE BECAUSE IT IS THE WORLD THAT BEAT YOU DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!


Some will recommend faith and hope. Some will recommend buddhism, others will say that the "Wish to help you with love and kisses"
Love and kisses will not help! I can sit here all day and tell you how great you are, or how much i think that you are despicable. IT will ultimately makes no difference.

"of all the judgements that we pass in life, none is as important as the one that we pass on ourselves, for that judgement touches on the very center of our existence"

I would suggest listening to lucysnow, xev, and moementum.

I wish to take it upon myself to help you, I belive that I might be able to. There are many people who will wish you harm and death. There are many who will wish to help you for thier own pleasure. There are many who will wish to toy with you, or find it amusing. Many will say " so go kill yourself"

That is the understand that you must come across. Other people do not care about you.You must care about yourself. I wish to help you because it pains me to see life wasted.

People will say that you are " insane" and that might be true. I would classifying you as INSANE because you are hurting yourself.
Insane is a subjective judgement. Many say Lucy and i are insane im sure, but it doesnt matter.

Please feel free to email me privately at Squashbuckler@rogers.com

I dont mean to sound pompous, but I believe that i will be able to help you more than what you will receive on these boards, and you owe it to yourself to help yourself.
I have all the time in the world to talk to you.

Dont waste your time on the mundane arguements are varied opinions that you will receive on this board. Please email me privately.

Mark

[Squashbuckler]

Originally posted by Lucysnow
Well then it is not you who are insane but a sane person reacting to insanity. Normal under the circumstance. Cut yourself some slack why don't you. The feelings are NORMAL you just manifest them differently. There are many methods for coping and you have chosen cutting and suffering is what has brought you to it. You will eventually help yourself.


Something external has forced you to annihilate yourself.
A human being is the only animal that can willfully end his life, remember that.

[Mrs.Lucysnow]

Not really. What about Lemmings?:D

But seriously it did not seem that Slave wants to die. If he did I am sure he would have done so without bothering to share his pain with others. The cutting it seems has become the hell of his life but not a call for immediate annihilation.

[cthulhus slave]

i have no idea what to say first...
uuhh...

i have 2 brothers and 5 sisters to whoever it was that asked.

how can i say i have friends and that i have none?
they are my friends but all, exept maybe 1 if im lucky (and she happens to be in a good mood, as oposed to screaming in her room and kicking holes in the walls ), dont care about me and i dont give a shit about them.
by friend i consider some1 you care about. and who cares about you. how do i know they dont? well they all seem to spew like most of you guys. "fine, go kill yousrelf, its your life" "i dont fucking care, it doesnt mater" and the like.


oh, and to lucy, my private mesage box was so cramed, i read yours just a minute ago, and i hope you dont mind me saying so here, but thanx. thanx alot.

im going to tell my mom tonight. i was waiting till tomarrow cuz i wanted to go pic up some book son it to give her but i cant wait. im telling her.

thanx you guys. even thsoe of you who really piss me off with how you can absolutly not understand a word i say. because, who knows, maybe that was just the practice i need for telling my parents.

ttyl.

:) dont die before then ;)

[Squashbuckler]

Read a book by the name of "honoring the self" by nathanial brandon. SERIOUSLY.
PLEASE READ IT

[Mrs.Lucysnow]

We are here if you need support C-Slave or just someone to listen to you rant.

Good luck and keep us posted if you get the chance.