French Jokes

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by (Q), Apr 4, 2003.

  1. (Q) Encephaloid Martini Valued Senior Member

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    Advertisement on E-Bay!

    For Sale: 1 French Military WWII Rifle - Excellent condition - never been fired - dropped only once.



    How many Frenchmen does it take to protect a country?

    No one knows - its never been done.
     
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  3. *stRgrL* Kicks ass Valued Senior Member

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    I got this as an email today:


    SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE


    Today it was reported that severe earthquakes have occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale.

    The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves.

    According to the American Battle Monuments Commission there are 26,255 Yankee dead from World War I buried in 4 cemeteries in France. There are 30,426 American dead from World War II buried in 6 cemeteries in France.

    These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate a country which is guilty of shameful unspeakable behavior in the 21st century.

    May the United States of America never forget their sacrifice as we find ways to forcefully deal with the Godforsaken, unappreciative, forgetful country of France!
     
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  5. *stRgrL* Kicks ass Valued Senior Member

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    A few more...

    "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." —Mark Twain

    "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." —Norman Schwartzkopf

    "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson

    "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." —Jacques Chirac, President of France

    "As far as France is concerned, you're right." —Rush Limbaugh

    "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." —Regis Philbin

    "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." —P.J O'Rourke (1989)

    "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

    "They've taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." —Argus Hamilton

    "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller

    "I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller

    "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." —Conan O'Brien

    "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" —Jay Leno

    "The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." —David Letterman

    How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?

    One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

    An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

    Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

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    <---- my personal fave

    "A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" —Conan O'Brien

    "In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
     
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  7. Tyler Registered Senior Member

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    How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Just one. He holds the bulb and waits for the rest of the world to revolve around him.


    How do you confuse a French soldier?
    Give him a gun


    What do you call a Frenchman who died defending his country?
    A first!


    Did you hear what the French are thinking of putting on a new flag?
    A white cross on top of a white background!


    An Englishman was rowing a boat down a river and singing, "Rule Britannia". He had sung the first line, "When Britain first at heaven's command ...", when some aliens saw him.
    The aliens decided to conduct an experiment, so they removed half his brain, and put him back into his boat. To their astonishment, he continued to sing, "When Britain first at heaven's command...".
    So, to continue their experiment, they removed half of the remainder of his brain, so he had a quarter of his brain left. They were further astonished when the man continued to sing, "When Britain first at heaven's command..."
    After discussing further, they removed the final part of his brain and put him back in his boat. He continued to sing, "Allouetta, chantez allouetta..."


    Going to war without France is like going to bootcamp without your Barbara Steisand CD.
     
  8. IXL777 mature with wisdom Registered Senior Member

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    Leave it to the Brits and the Americans to sort the world of evil.....the rest they just talk about it,I'm pissed off with so many
    people without a touch of joie-de vivre....viva la Brits and Americans......

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  9. Alien Mastermind Registered Senior Member

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