Are arranged marriges good or bad? Extremely individualistic societies like the US, UK, Australia...etc usually cringe at the thought, but with the popularity of online dating sites ever on the rise, it seems like people are glad to give the effort of looking for a mate over to someone else as long as they get to make the final decision. It is common knowledge that arranged marriges last longer than other marriages (for many unrelated reasons I'm sure). It is said that we don't really know ourselves that well and friends and family can usually see problems in your relationships way before you do. Would it be unthinkable to you if someone else (friends/family...someone who knows you well) picked your spouse (but you have the final say, no one will force you to marry)? why or why not?
Arranged marriage is very common here in the UK, even though most Asians are now grandkids or whatever and really anglisized this tradition still seems to hang on. From the Asians I know who've done it, neighbours, work colleges it's not as you imagine, parent's picking the spouse and you having no choice. It's actually more a suggestion, they meet each other and chat a lot, stay in communication with one another by phone or web, before deciding and get the choice, it's actually not that different to a marriage agency. Alternatively it can be the son or daughter of a family friend who they've know for years. Again they get the choice.
I would imagine that there is some benefit to this. From what I've read, Indian cultures remove the obsessive romance from marriage and it's an institution for family alliances and the rearing of children. This, certainly, has to take a lot of pressure off of the husband and wife. On the other hand, a society slowly creeps away from procreation obsession, the issues of love, compatibility and individual desire becomes more and more pronounced. ~String
The differences between arranged and "Western" marriages are typically exaggerated. When people think of arranged marriage they think of these human-interest stories about very poor, abusive families selling off their daughters and the like. Which we might as well compare to shotgun marriage in the West, or somesuch other marginal phenomenon. In reality, the arrangement mostly consists of being presented with a family-approved pool of potential spouses, which you then get to know and choose from. Likewise, Western marriages almost invariably include some stage of seeking and getting familial approval before going through with it. The difference really comes down to whether the parents explicitly selet the candidate pool up front, or allow the kid to do that and then veto the ones they don't like. The idea that Western marriage is some purely individual undertaking with no concern for anything but romantic love is as much an absurd charicature as the idea that arranged marriages are oppressive affairs in which the actual spouses have no input. The interesting difference is that absence of dating cultures in arranged marriage societies. Which is kind of convenient - you don't worry about getting dates or being popular with the opposite sex during high school and college, or stress about finding the right person for you, etc. Instead, you just call up your mom once you graduate and she lines up a pool of eligible candidates for you to work with. Pretty convenient if you ask me. In Western societies you're expected to spend much of your youth obsessing over your eligibility as a mate and cultivating the ability to find and attract potential spouses. Likewise I think that the statistics about longevity of marriage have as much to do with different family cultures as with the mechanics of spouse selection as such. That is, Indian families typically lead much tighter lifestyles than Western ones, with extended families over many generations living together. To divorce in that situation is not to affect just yourself and your spouse (and your kids), but to call into question the living arrangements of your parents and others. In a place like the US where children end up living far away from their parents, an arranged marriage might not be so durable. The differing expectations of marriage also help - marriage for romantic love is not particularly practical or durable, and the added wisdom and support of the elder generation surely helps keep things on an even keel.
All marriages needs to be arranged, unless you meet someone in Las Vegas and are suffering from a compulsive disorder directed towards Elvis impersonators and/or drunken organists. But in the sense suggested, completely appauling. Do not ever get married to someone you do not love nor are attracted by, no matter what your other familymembers are saying. It's your life, your happiness, tell them to go and fuck the bastard themselves if they think he's that great.
The major differences I have seen between romantic marriages and arranged marriages are the goals of either. One is oriented towards personal happiness the other towards the family as a social unit. The latter requires a greater compromise of personal aspirations but has more long term stability and security. It all depends on what you are oriented towards
To get married with someone to gain social status or monetary benefits is nothing but prostitution in another form, aren't they ashamed? How do they explain it to themselves? "I'm letting my husband fuck me, allthough I think he's utterly disgusting, but my parents said I must, or they will lose their membership in the countryclub."
There are a lot of assumptions here. Its a value judgment that material comfort is immoral compared to romantic love. I know a lot of girls in arranged marriages and they don't find it a hardship to sleep with their husbands - who btw are neither unattractive nor distasteful. Marrying someone who shares your values is a lot more rational than commitment based on physical attraction, especially if the values are not shared when romance is involved. Its a myth that opposites attract - the most successful and enduring relationships are among couples who have similar goals and needs.
I wonder if any studies have ever been done as to the divorce rates of arranged marriages, assuming they can divorce, compared to the basic way of marriage. I'd think they both have their flaws but the worse one is that love doesn't happen with arranged marriages very often.
If you're wondering whether any studies have been done, its not clear how you came to this conclusion. Do you mean to say that you imagine love wouldn't happen with arranged marriages very often?
The question I ask is what is the percentage of divorces between the two types of marriages. Like unarranged marriages are ending up at over 50 percent divorced, what is the percentage of divorces with arranged marriages? I never said that love couldn't happen with an arranged marriage I only said that there's not many in which love actually happens.
So long as I get the final say, that's fine. My family and friends know me, so they'll know who I will and won't get on with.
I'm not sure I could ever enter into an arranged marriage.. Well, unless she was hot, and rich that is. As far as divorce rates for arranged marriages, I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that they are lower than the traditional kind.
What a twisted worldview.What is the point of having a spouse that you're not in love with, isn't that the whole idea with being with someone, that you actually want it? So what happens when they fall in love, with someone else? Because I think it's completely unheard of that a person should walk through life without ever falling in love. Will they surrender to love, or continue to torture themselves to keep the dishwasher? I don't know, maybe they need to be on medication to sustain such a lifestyle to begin with. Heroin, crack, whatever takes away any real emotion, haha...I just feel sorry for them.
The divorce rate for arranged marriages is at about 4%, but like I said there are many cultural and practical reasons that might skew that. Some psychologists believe that arranged marriages work better as a partnership because the two people have little expectations of each other, while people in Western marriages often have illusions of grandeur about their marriages and romantic lives. It seems the key to a successful marriage no matter how you meet is companionship, as passion ebbs and flows and eventually recedes altogether. Having companionate love seems to be most important in relationships and there are no barriers to it in arranged marriages. I don't think it's any different than having your parents set you up with someone. In fact I trust my parents' taste and judgment, I would probably be much happier with someone they picked for me. They are going to put their 2cents in anyway.
Why couldn't you fall in love with someone picked by someone else? I'm not talking about sold into bondage marriages here. You're parents pick someone they like and they think you'll like, you meet them and talk for a while and sometime in the future you get married. You both know exactly where the relationship is headed. It cuts out all the dating games of getting used or played in modern Western relationships. The most common thing young people (age 20-30) who decide to try online dating are looking for is someone who doesn't want to play games and is serious about a relationship.
nonarranged marriages are not the problem. it's the unrealistic value systems people have of long term relationships and the responsiblities they entail. arranged marriages are going to be hell or go wrong if people aren't compatible either or if it's forced against one's will or desire. it's just that "usually" arranged marriages are between people that do have similar background and a lot of other considerations are considered as well as goals. i wouldn't think forced arranged marriages are good, but arranged meetings depending on how good the one arranging is.
Another mommas boy I see. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Decisions are necessary in life and who you marry should be a decision made by you because it shows what kind of a person you want to be with not what another person thinks you should live with. It takes time, money and rejection in many instances which arranged marriages never have. I'd rather make my own judgments rather than trusting others to make them for me.
No, I could never do that. And believe me, my parents have tried and I am always equally disgusted, offended and insulted by the persons they have suggested. For me a relationship is all about love and attraction, if those ingredients are not present then there is no relationship. And loyalty of course, but love must comes before that.
I think this is another canard. The idea that people marry out of pure romantic love, with no concern for the family as a social unit and practical considerations of security is just fairy dust for romance movies. In reality, long term stability and security for constructing and supporting a family unit is a huge part of what happiness people derive from marriage ("romantic" or otherwise). So the distinction is rather trumped up - it's not the case that arranged marriage is purely practical, while "romantic" marriage is purely selfish and idealistic. The reality is that they're both mostly centered around practicality and family considerations (why else does anyone get married, outside of the movies?), with some allowance for romance and personal preference. It's a difference of degree and procedure, mostly. Viewing them as opposing ideals ends up being really stilted. They're just two different methods for finding a spouse who you like, has your family's approval, and that you have good prospects of raising a stable, happy family with. Said another way, most marriages in the West are not "love marriages" at all, but simply another form of practical marriage, wherein the mechanics of mate selection are somewhat different than the arranged version.
