This is great stuff. Why can't this kind of show get put on somewhere for real? I guarantee I'd go. This is excellent. I can imagine a Puck, harp a-splay, dropping from the ceiling to give his bit, and then being hauled back up by a couple of Midwestern hefties pulling the bloody rope.

Larson and Hovland

Bill Shakespeare
Star Tribune Wedding Announcements

ACT I: The Olive Garden

PROLOGUE
Two Households, both alike in dignity
In Edina where we lay our scene,
At the Olive Garden where rehearsal supper wends
Over plates of Pasta Florentine.

PUCK
Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho! Join we now the matrimonial party of Amber of the House of Bob and Debbie Larson of Edina; and her betrothed swain, Ryan of clan Hovland in Maple Grove. But beneath this merry stage impassion’d troubles lurk.

BOB LARSON
I bid you a good evening, dear guests! Empty thy goblets and make thee to bed, for prithee on the morrow our daughter fair Amber dons her final maiden-gown and taketh for her groom fine young Ryan at the Chapel of St. Marks, Lutheran.

DAVE LARSON
As surely as she has doff’d it many times, good brother. Doest thou in thy foolery yet insist thy daughter is of her maidenhead still possess’d? The dormitory walls of Bemiji State still resound with tales of her purity forsaken and wanton trysts engaged. Fetch unto me another tankard, wench!

OLIVE GARDEN SERVING WENCH
Would’st thou I leave it on thy tab?

AMBER LARSON (aside)
Accursed uncle most foul! His tankard hath disclosed the truth of my base immodesties.

RYAN HOVLAND
Hold thy tongue, blackguard! ‘Tis my betrothed’s honour that thou hath impugn’d with thy drunken lies.

DAVE LARSON
What know thee of “honour,” libertine? ‘Twas it not over canoli that my own ears I espied your cackling groomsmen ajest in the unspeakable ribaldries of thine own bachelor party? Forfend I shall share the tale of thy many lap dances, whoremonger. Another tankard, say I!

GRANDMA HOVLAND
Well that’s differnt.

PUCK
And thus of ill-boding mutinies was this star-crossed bond conceived, and consecrated at the altar of Saint Mark in Edina; Rev. Ed Carlson presiding. Of bridesmaids Amber had a host of five, array’d in Nordstrom gowns of Dacron finery; and likewise Ryan an equal host of dashing groomsmen in tuxedos from Mens Wearhouse.

ACT II: The Steps of St. Mark’s Lutheran

THE GUESTS
Huzzah! We beg your forbearance as we pelt thee with rice, fair Amber and Ryan. What God hath join’d together let no man put asunder!

AMBER
Pray come join us at the Holiday Inn gentle guests, to make merry at the cash bar and celebrate our sacred nuptial bond. To the Camaro!

RYAN
O monstrous! O strange! What be this traitorous omen? My Z-28 hath suffered the privations of shaving creams most foul!

ACT III. Holiday Inn Banquet Room.

PUCK
Thither wends our tale to the Holiday Inn where Amber consorts with her maids and Ryan with his men, and the bartender hath been estopped from serving Uncle Dave. ‘Midst the din of the Macarena the tragedy unfolds.

GROOMSMAN #1
Perhaps it is the Leinenkugel speaking, but… I love thee, man!

GROOMSMAN #2
Thou is a lucky dude indeed, bro; for thy shall have now unto thyself alone that one thing that Amber dost so well.

RYAN
‘One thing’?

GROOMSMAN #3
Surely thou must knowest of what I speak, good dude. You know, that thing both tender and bold that she… um, that… well, she is sort of known for it.

GROOMSMAN #1
Yeah verily, dude! I knowest that I shall miss it, and her ravenous… um, anyone need a beer?

RYAN
‘One thing’?

WEDDING D.J.
Bringeth the groom to the stage for the tossing of the bride’s garter!

GROOMSMAN #4
That is okay, dude! Of Amber’s underthings we have plenty enough.

PUCK
Unhappily they left for a honey-moon,
An all-inclusive in Cancun.
And thus our tragic story ends;
With a lesson for all, O gentle friends:
Before thou raise thy wedding cup,
Get thyself a good pre-nup.

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/

Dude shakespere didn't even write the stuff, he was a puppet to some other fellow and not the author :p

Oh piss off, you Marlowian mongrel.

No I will not, here's a link :throws @ ya:

http://shakespeare.about.com/od/authorshipdebate/a/shkwhowashe.htm

Then he was a loser and an infantile. All hail Bill!

GeoffP,
If you like this, you should see what you can do about getting to Marin County California during the Shakepeare festival.
http://www.marinshakespeare.org/

Interesting - I'd like to, but I don't think I could justify the trip all the way to California just so I could see the Festival. I wish there could be a few Shakespearean-vein comedy shows about present-era issues, however, as the above. Ahh. Nice.

Try Stratford - always worth a visit to the theatre there.

Oy. I wishes, I does.

Interesting - I'd like to, but I don't think I could justify the trip all the way to California just so I could see the Festival. I wish there could be a few Shakespearean-vein comedy shows about present-era issues, however, as the above. Ahh. Nice.

Shakespeare in the Park in NYC is often pretty good, but the one in Marin County is...
Different.
Allusions to weed, modern politics, celebrities...
What Shakepeare was doing in his time.

Ooooh is it then?

Might have to see that then, I might. Can't think when's next time I'll be out there though.

he ought to do some new stuff then, innit. mind you, 'is old stuff's crap, so i dunno

ooh, aye. that's right, it is

I hear he's getting into directing films.
More money in it, y'know.

Seems a bit controversial, though. Murder and madness and whatnot.

He's always been the edgy sort.

Dunno if I'd take the kids; bit dodgy. Probably should be banned, the lot. I hear one of his bits involved cannibalism. And another's about Scottish people! Clearly the man has no shame.

No, it is rubbish though, innit, seriously. Or rather Romeo and Juliet is, which is the only one I've ever been forced to read. He could've had a top-flight porno on his hands there and, instead, it's all fluttering eyelashes and wherefore art thou. Barbara Cartland territory. And then, because their mams and dads don't see eye to eye, they go and top themselves. What kind of message is that to send out to the youngsters? Immature, irresponsible and not even written in proper English. It's utter hogwash and I wouldn't wipe my arse with it.

And then, because their mams and dads don't see eye to eye, they go and top themselves.
Yeah, but they do it theatrically. Thas wot counts innit?
Luv a good bit o murder an deff, me.

I'll give you that but what were the parents thinking of? And why didn't anyone think to offer them counselling before things got so bad? It sounds to me like communication between the youngsters and their families had completely broken down. It was completely avoidable and should have been nipped in the bud. That all concerned let things get so out of control is a tragedy and a sad reflection on the Montagues and the Capulets parenting skills. I'm surprised that any of them had the nerve to show their faces to the neighbours afterwards.

Latch-key kids, huh. And why weren't they at bloody school?
I blame the government.

Shakespeare sucks donkey dicks. Big, big donkey dicks!!

Baron Max

Thats how he got his inspiration.

Shakespeare sucks donkey dicks. Big, big donkey dicks!!

Baron Max

you seem obsessed with sucking big, big donkey dicks, why?

you seem obsessed with sucking big, big donkey dicks, why?

No, only with others who suck giant donkey dicks.

Baron Max

Mekkin fun of northerners again, is it?

F' shem.

i actualy dont care for shakespeare. i find his work boring to be honest.


peace.

i actualy dont care for shakespeare. i find his work boring to be honest.

Agreed. However, I will say that I've enjoyed several plays when done by a competent cast of characters. But I think that's different ...and actually not Shakey, but the work of the actors.

Baron Max

I have a weakness for words, and except for Ghalib, no one wields them like the Bard!

Or in his own words:

I am not bound to please thee with my answer.

I have a weakness for words, and except for Ghalib, no one wields them like the Bard!

If the old bastard would learn to write in English, for god's sake, it might be okay. But, geez, laboring through all that bullshit is more than I can take for longer than, say, three seconds.

Baron Max

If the old bastard would learn to write in English, for god's sake, it might be okay. But, geez, laboring through all that bullshit is more than I can take for longer than, say, three seconds.

Baron Max

Ha! Try reading some of the "English" on this forum.

Ha! Try reading some of the "English" on this forum.

So comparing crap and shit is supposed to mean something to me?? :D

Baron Max

No, only with others who suck giant donkey dicks.

Baron Max

You're not helping yourself here, you know.

Ha! Try reading some of the "English" on this forum.
I can't believe I learnt english with you guys... LOL! :D

If the old bastard would learn to write in English, for god's sake, it might be okay. But, geez, laboring through all that bullshit is more than I can take for longer than, say, three seconds.

Baron Max

Shakespearre's language, though very rich in its laconic wit and explanatory insight into the human condition, is not particularly entertaining by today's standards.

So comparing crap and shit is supposed to mean something to me?? :D

Baron Max

Your standards are impossibly high, who can compare with the moron President?