Understanding the female orgasm.......

By Al Cooper, Ph.D.
MSNBC CONTRIBUTOR

Orgasms are great — no argument there. But making an orgasm the ultimate goal of sex is a guy thing. Most women care more about closeness, acceptance and mutual pleasure.
You say you’re concerned about your fiancée’s sexual enjoyment and you’d like her to talk more about it with you, but it seems what you’re really saying is, “I want her to have fun — and I want her to do it my way.”
It’s important for you to realize that 50 percent to 75 percent of women who have orgasms need clitoral stimulation and are unable to have an orgasm through intercourse alone. This is one of the reasons why women are always talking about foreplay.



Women’s need for foreplay can be translated as “Touch me a lot, get me excited and feeling good before intercourse starts since intercourse might not do it for me.”
Confusion over what women need to reach orgasm is reinforced by the fact that in the movies, women almost always appear to have an orgasm during intercourse — seemingly without any clitoral stimulation at all. But this is not the case for most women and your fiancée is hardly alone.
By the way, don’t forget that she says she enjoys “the best sex she’s ever had” with you. That’s not bad — lots of men would love to hear that from their partners. But you still want more from her.
Maybe you should first concentrate on being happy with what you have. Take some of the pressure off of her (women can suffer from performance anxiety, too) and see where things go from there.

SHE’S NOT DEFECTIVE
For starters, think of the clitoris as analogous to the penis. Sometimes men can reach orgasm without the penis being directly stimulated (remember those wet dreams), but why would you?

The clitoris is the mother lode of pleasure receptors for a woman. Vagina, breasts and so on can also be favorites for some, but even for women who do orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone, most still need the right position to provide clitoral stimulation.
It’s very important for you to understand that your fiancée is not somehow defective — her sexual response is probably quite normal.
If you two want to try and see if she can have an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation that’s great, but make it fun and realize ahead of time that there’s a strong possibility it won’t result in the orgasm you desperately want her to have.
Otherwise, try pleasing her with positions that do allow for direct clitoral stimulation. Get a book or manual for a variety of suggestions. Or try bringing her very close to orgasm before you actually engage in intercourse so that she at least has a better chance to have an orgasm once it begins.

CHOCOLATE VS. VANILLA
If you like chocolate ice cream it might be hard to imagine why she would like vanilla. Chocolate is so, well, chocolatey. The same goes for orgasms. It can be hard for some men to understand why women may not be as focused on the pursuit of orgasms and the act of intercourse itself.
Keep in mind that even if your fiancée has orgasms, her idea of sexual enjoyment may be based more on whether she feels loved, accepted and appreciated by you than on how her orgasm registers on the Richter scale. And your single-minded pursuit of an orgasm could be a frustrating turnoff for her, especially if you’re neglecting to pay attention to her needs through foreplay.
While you’re at it, take a good look at the motives behind your concern for your fiancée. There might be deeper reasons why you want her to reach orgasm in a certain way.
Maybe you feel that if she needs direct stimulation to have an orgasm during intercourse, or sometimes doesn’t feel like having an orgasm at all, than you aren’t any good in bed.
Face it, sex is one of the most exposed interactions you can have with someone. There’s nothing to hide behind — not clothing, intellect, money or social status. It’s just you in your birthday suit. And with so few defenses, you are particularly vulnerable to your partner’s reaction. If you’re frustrated because she’s not responding the way you want, maybe it’s because you feel it’s a reflection on your own abilities.
Advertisement





Another reason you may want her orgasm to be just so is that it makes you feel powerful. Mind-blowing sex can make you feel in control — like you’re “the man.” However, berating your partner to have an orgasm the way you want her to is not the path to power. That strategy is more likely to backfire, leaving both of you feeling powerless — as you are beginning to find out.
Now’s the time to get things back on track and keep what appears to be a good relationship going smoothly.
The only problem your fiancée has is that her fiancé seems to think there’s something wrong with her. You want her to have an orgasm on your terms, while she may only be capable of having one on hers.
As in every other sphere of the relationship, you need to realize that you are only truly in charge of yourself. So take a step back and figure out how important it is that you both like chocolate.

Gale H. Golden, Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Vermont Medical College, contributed to this column.

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

Ahhh! It took over two hours and 2 pens, but I've finally managed to copy this whole text to my palms. Tonight, it's showtime!

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

So, what's the topic? Foreplay?

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.