**Note: Comment if you want to. The only point in me writing this is..Hell, I odn't know other than I feel like writing it. It isn't intended to be thought provoking. Consider it a rant.** 4:10 am. Pachabel- cannon in d. I'm looking at myself in the mirror, smoking and having a little light conversation with a friend. Inside, I'm questioning my mood as of late. Why it is that I feel like my life past was a dream and, now suddenly, I am awake and wishing for nothing other than to sleep and dream again. So I look in the mirror... What is the nature of man? We have in ourselves the propensity to create and destroy. This is what we do. We seek to know the truth of existance, but to what end? Looking in the mirror, I realize just how easy it is for me to change somethings. I can be many different people. I have been. We all do this. We create and destroy. We evolve. This is our nature. And the cycle continues... To what end? That is always the question. Certainly there are those people who have accepted their lives as they are. They work only to change small aspects of their physical world, if at all. More money, more sex, more power or fame. But to what end? Happiness? That would be the easy answer. Easy answers are often good ones. And then there is me... Myself and people like me, though I confess to having no easy answer for what exactly that means, don't look for these things. They are a means to an ends, yes, but that end is only a step towards a larger goal. I looked at myself, in that mirror, and I understood something. I bought into an idea, a doctrine, that, while I can't say if it is a lie or truth, has certainly affected my life. For want of a purpose... I can argue against providence, karma and the like. I can reason and rationalize why these things can't be true. Yet, i want to believe them. I'm not looking for the simple answers of religion. I want to know. I crave the magic of the spiritual to be mixed with the rules of science. I want there to be a reason for it all; a reason I exist. Conditionally however, I want that reason to make sense. Ignorance is far from bliss... This is what I bought into. Sometimes, I fear, that the price I paid was possibly my sanity. If a reason exists I must find it, and I would destroy myself to do so. If not, I will create one, and in doing so recreate myself. This, however, is the work of a lifetime. So where is the problem? Job. I find myself questioning my convictions. Is my faith misplaced? Looking back, life seemed to have purpose. It was life a dream or a play. I had my part and I played it as best I could. Now, I don't know. I forgot my lines and nothing makes sense anymore. Mybe life decided to quit playing nice and bitch slapped me across the face witha reality check. Maybe I am just thinking too much. Happiness... I had it once, or thought I had. Young and in love, I was blinded to so much. It passed, as all things must. I wonder now if perhaps that wasn't the root of it all. To have what you want only to find it wans't what you were looking for. Or perhaps to find your god has failed you. I want to believe, to have faith again, but the failures of the past haunt me like ghosts. Nah, couldn't be... Of course, that was long ago and has little bearing on the current situations facing me. So, I am still left questioning, "What happened to the magic that I used to know?" ... I wish I knew...
Hmmm, Dear friend Mephura.... Do not worry, Life is insignifcant, Life is meaningless.... But for you it isnt, you being here, helping people, teaching people has helped alot of user's get by......... In a sense, you have helped people get by in there hard times..... Bide your time my friend................... Someone will help you out in your time of need..................... When will that be? Mabye nowPlease Register or Log in to view the hidden image! -Guyute (Good Luck)Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Don't worry Mephura! When you feel this way, it means you're ready to learn a new thing. You've now reviewed the things you've learned so many times that all that remains are the hard questions... late night conversation has a way of deflating your normal life and making you wonder why you do anything. So, it's time to learn something. I have felt this way as well, so I understand... I've also felt the opposite way, momentarily unable to handle an experience because it was too intense. There's no sure thing for new learning, but there's a few things that sometimes help: - something that requires a new physical skill (like a musical instrument) - something that requires attention to detail (like cooking) - something that requires scheduled interaction (like volunteering for a convention) New experiences quicky wipe out the nausea of the unanswerable, and sometimes when you're finished with your new biz you figure something out that you didn't know before. If all else fails there is a surefire (at least for me). Find fear again. Often we forget what it's like to be afraid, except for the slow grinding concern about money and debt which drives you insane without stirring your blood. Find something that really freaks you out and makes your heart speed up... you'll feel better soon enough.
BigBlueHead Thanks for the advice, but in this case, none of those would work. Fear isn't an issue. It's hard for me to actually fear anything. If it's a contrived situation, I know it isn't fear worthy. If it is a real situation, fear only hampers progress. Acceptance of what is now and inevitable combined with a grasp on what I wish to achieve leaves no room for fear. As for learning; I'm still alive. As long as this is so, I will continue to learn new things. These 'hard questions' as you call them are all I ever face. I don't remember a time that I didn't. (then again, my memory isn't the best.) I don't see them as difficult. Merely, thought provoaking. The issue, however, wasn't so much a question as an exploration. Thank you for your concern though. (though I am curious as to its nature) Guyute Your responce is... interesting to say the least. "Life is insignifcant, Life is meaningless...." I hope not. I certainly do not believe so. That is, however, my subjective belief. This: "But for you it isnt, you being here, helping people, teaching people has helped alot of user's get by......... In a sense, you have helped people get by in there hard times....." I've helped people here? Perhaps, though I would wonder as to how. I don't recall ever commenting on anything of much significance, let alone in a helpful maner. If that wasn't enough to make me want to crack open your skull to see what is going on in there, the rest certainly is. Thank you, also, for your concern. Your message is... worrisome (?) in some strange way. You may, perhaps, be called to explain yourself.
Ahh...........the powerful futility of nostalgia and the symptoms it induces in people whose energy is alot more alive then they'd like to think it is. If only there was somewhere to channel that stamina. If applied I believe he could build bridges, assuming he knows what I'm talking about. All that potential to find those things he fights against. Science sometimes seems like prolonged impotence. True. Magic sometimes seems absurd. So true. But both together for a change feels like a refreshing impossibility. And it makes me sad to think 'impossibility'....then that's where the rage becomes "who the fuck says so? them?". Ha. So I make my own magic. Totally possible, Mephura. Totally. Shit you not.
