Disclaimer: (Added by Moderator)
This thread has been left un-moderated and contains a number of the worst jokes that people can come up with. They are made to be offensive through poor taste, bad humour and even racism. If you can't stomach that sort of content, please don't read any further. If you can stomach it, then in honesty you should be ashamed of yourself.

This thread has been closed, however there is a "Social Group" available to continue it's downward trend.


Being English, I, along with most of my fellow countrymen, deal with tragedy and adversity in a unique way.
After something terrible has happenned, usually on a national level, we begin circulating very poor taste jokes.

Now, I was wondering weather anyone could remember the most tasteless jokes they've ever heard.
If so, stick 'em here, along with the cultural reference, and we can all laugh/wince/pretend-to-be-above-it-all at them!

I'll start the ball rolling with a joke I received via text about the time all the Michael Jackson revalations were hitting the papers:

"What's worse than than having Michael Jackson babysit your kids?

Having Ian Huntley bath them."

Ooof!

The Flemster.

I am not sure if the most tasteless jokes would be politically correct to write to this crowd.

I am from Sweden (rivals of Norway) We have jokes about them, they have about us.

When the dumbest in Sweden moved to Norway the IQ level became higher on both sides of the border.
(sounds better in swedish though)

k, i have one really tasteless joke but it is against the blacks and i do not wish to sound like a racists.

Being English, I, along with most of my fellow countrymen, deal with tragedy and adversity in a unique way.
After something terrible has happenned, usually on a national level, we begin circulating very poor taste jokes.
As another Englishman i have to agree, and as far as bad taste jokes go the one from the lady in government was pretty funny:
Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....

k, i have one really tasteless joke but it is against the blacks and i do not wish to sound like a racists.[/QUOTE]

How do you know I'm not black?
Go for it, my friend. After all--they're just jokes...!

The Flemster.

The most offensive joke i've ever heard.

WARNING******

What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?









I warned you


ANS: Crib death.

My go:

What's blue and never fits properly?

ANS: A dead epileptic.

The Flemster.

There's a whole website devoted to dead baby jokes: http://www.dead-baby-joke.com/introduction.htm

Lemming, have you seen Boondock Saints? There's a similar joke in it.

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy are walking through the desert, and they come across a lamp. They rub the lamp, and a genie comes out. He'll give 'em each a wish. Black guy goes first. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Africa. Genie does it. Mexican guy goes second. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Mexico. Genie does it. White guy's turn. "So all the niggers and spics are out of the country?" he asks. "Yeah," says the genie. The white guy says, "Well, I guess I'll have a Coke."

Ok.....

Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!

Jesus is coming, but he pulled out.

Graffiti on a wall:
Jesus is coming!
and we have to clean up

Best Jesus Joke Ever:

How much does Jesus love you?




*Spread arms and look mopey*



This much.

I am from Sweden (rivals of Norway) We have jokes about them, they have about us.I am unable to reproduce any jokes about Norwegians. I know two good ones. One requires a certain sound ... aw, hell, I'll attempt it. But the other one's too long and involves elephants.

At any rate, y'all read comic strips from time to time, right? So you know how to read onomatopoeia? Okay ....

Q - Why do Norwegians have windshield wipers on the inside of their airplanes?
A - (Sit upright, hold hands out as if driving an airplane) Thbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbt!

At any rate ... perhaps the most offensive joke I can think of starts as follows:

Q - Why can't little black kids play in the sandbox?

The dumbest offensive joke I've ever written goes as follows:

Q - How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A - (common) Two, but God only knows how they got in there!
A - (Tiassa) None ... they let the light of God shine through.

(What? I said it was dumb.)

Lastly, a variation on a theme; the original version I heard was a horrible joke about a murder victim in a famous trial in which an unnamed rich man got away with it because of shoddy detective work, some ice cream, and a lawyer with no sense of shame. At any rate, the updated version--attuned to current events--goes:

• Did you hear that Sheikh Yassin got into Heaven? Seriously! I guess they needed a jigsaw puzzle.

I can't count the television jokes that come to mind, but "Maggie's sucking on the dog," certainly is up near the top.

Best joke that I ever "got in trouble" for (I got in a shouting match in a composition class once upon a time):

• In Doonesbury, circa 1990 or so, Joanie goes to visit Andy in the hospital. His doctor explains Andy's condition, his morbid sense of humor. It is Andy's defense against dying. Each day the doctor comes in and they each play straight man but they're both screaming inside. It helps them get through the days together, the doctor explains. Joanie asks, "And what do you do on weekends?" The doctor shrugs and says flatly, "I like to unwind. Rob liquor stores, that sort of thing."

Seriously ... I included it in a paper as a comparison to the class topic article--a humorously-intended rant about watching terminal cancer patients smoke cigarettes in hospital stairwells--and got chewed out at high volume by a peer review group because I thought the good doctor had good sense of humor. I don't think Trudeau himself heard it that loudly over that one.

And it's one of the best jokes ever written.

Q - Why can't little black kids play in the sandbox?

Damn you, Tiassa! You never gave me the answer!

Ok but be warned if easily offened please dont read on from this point ->.



Q)What did the the hotdog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?
A)Who ordered the 2 jumbo's?

Q)How do you stop a gay from drowning?
A)Take your foot of his head!

Q)Whats blue and fucks grannys?
A)hyperthermia

Okay, I'm going to give it a shot... Just be warned that these are horrible:

Q: How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?
A: Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.

Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven?
A: God gave him his gas bill.

Q: What's the best part about 6 year old girls?
A: After you're done with them, you can turn them over and use them as 6 year-old boys!

And finally:
Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?
A: Santa Claus goes down the chimney.

Told you they were horrible.

Damn you, Tiassa! You never gave me the answer!I know. It's the one bad joke I can't do with a straight face. The beans slipping through the grill, when the burning stops ... "Kilmajaro!" or dirty knees ... I can do any joke straight but this one.

At any rate, the answer is, "Because the cats keep burying them."

As I said ... the most offensive joke I can think of. And that counts the two in the front, the two in the back, and the rest in the ashtray.

"Because the cats keep burying them."

Is it wrong for me to laugh? I guess that's an issue for EM&J right there.

I thought my 6 year old girls jokes were bad...

I have a problem with one of the jokes that I just told:

Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven?
A: God gave him his gas bill.

Why would Hitler be in heaven? Damn, that joke is anti-semetic as fuck!

Graffiti on a wall:
Jesus is coming!
and we have to clean up

Best Jesus Joke Ever:

How much does Jesus love you?




*Spread arms and look mopey*



This much.


Fantastic!!!
Best joke on this page yet!!!
I'm off to use it on Christians...
:D
The Flemster.

Okay. My go again. And seeing as we're into kiddie jokes...

Q-- What's the worst thing about having a baby?
A-- Putting the nappy back on afterwards.

Q-- What's the best thing about fucking 26 year olds?
A-- There's 20 of them.

Q-- What's the worst thing about screwing a 3 year old?
A-- Getting blood on your clown suit.

Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.
BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"
MAN: "Dunno what you're complaining about-I have to walk home alone..."

Come on, people--raise the bar a little!!!

The Flemster.

Q: What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?

A: Grandpa.

Q: What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

A: You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Q: How do you starve a mexican?

A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

That last joke has a lot to say about how stereotypes are not accurate. Most mexicans I know are some of the hardest workers I've ever met.

Q: Why won't a black guy use aspirin?

A: He's too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle.

lol, they'er all bad but very funny. I personally don't find them offensive mind.

Okay, here's my shot at it.

A twenty-something disabled girl with no arms or legs is sitting in her wheelchair one day in a park. All of a sudden she starts to cry. A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying. She replies "I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never been fucked! Will you help me?"
The man can't resist her, she's weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.
He proceeds to push the chair and says that they're going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach and the man hires a small boat. "How romantic", the girl says. The man lifts the girl out of her chair and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance.
"I told you I would help you and now I will." The man gets up and the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard. "NOW your fucked!" he says and starts to row away.

That's an old joke I heard back at school. Took me ages to remember it all. I think I find this offensive as I know a few wheelchair bound people.

Jim Norton owns you all with this list o' lists:

The 50 funniest moments in child pornography.
Women over 60 I've raped with a meat cleaver.
The 5 snappiest remarks I've made while videotaping a miscarriage.
My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass.
Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.
The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.
Dinners my mother made that tasted worse than the diharreah of a cancer patient.
The 6 most racist things I've yelled out a car window.
Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
Fat girls I've stood up on New Year's Eve.
The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
Women under 30 I'd like to slash with a razor.
Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.
The 10 most barbaric things I've done to the foreskin of an immigrant.
Neighborhoods I’ve been chased out of due to Megan’s Law.
The 5 prettiest girlfriends I ever lost by chasing them with doo doo on a stick.
Dreams I've shattered by driving drunk.
Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.
Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.
Important political events I've spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.
People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
Black churches I bombed in the south.
20 people I hope die of leukemia.
The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.
The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
Celebrity face I've painted on my scrotum.
Inappropriate times I've screamed, "Cunt!" at my grandmother.
American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.
My favorite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.
The 5 nicest hineys I ever sniffed by accident.
Altzeimer patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole's right arm.
Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.
25 autistics I think are faking it.
Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
My 5 most impressive achievements as a N.A.M.B.L.A. member.
Girls I’ve fingered in their sleep.
10 things I’ve done while babysitting that could me misconstrued.
Sexual fantasies I’ve had revolving around pig feces.
Under aged girls I’ve had erection difficulties with.
Girlfriends who’ve caught me 69ing with their fathers.
Parasites I’ve caught nesting in my pubic hair.
The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has shit in my mouth.
The 6 most disgusting Port o Johns I’ve fallen into face first.
Relatives I’ve gotten erections with while slow dancing.

Norton rules!!! Is Opie and Anthony back on the air yet?

Is it wrong for me to laugh? I guess that's an issue for EM&J right there.That joke is my personal weakness. Any other offensive joke I can pretty much deadpan after one or two tries, but this one, learned in ninth grade, still splits a grin sixteen years later. It's so damn evil!

A random thought on political correctness and dirty jokes:

• My first porno magazines were, in the time-honored tradition, stolen from my father. From the mid-70s, well ... black hair, mirrored sunglasses, black lingerie ... it looked like Joan Jett in a porno dream. But in that collection were three cartoons. First, the actually offensive ones; I can't remember which magazine, and so I won't guess.

- A black man dressed like a pimp stands on a streetcorner with a black woman with some back. And some front. And a very short skirt. In their wake, a dozen white men lay gasping on the sidewalk. The man shouts, "Woman! I thought I told you to wash that pussy!"

- A large, evil fish with sharp teeth swims under a pier. He holds a fishing rod, and has cast the line up the pier. As he reels thae quarter-section of watermelon back in, a curly-haired, wide-nosed, gargantuan-lipped, heroin-skinny, bug-eyed black man salivates as he pursues the bait down the pier.

And, lastly, from Hustler, shortly after the Revolution in Iran:

- A scarecrow resembling Khomeni perches menacingly over a pumpkin patch.

This cartoon received all sorts of angry letters, and in true Flynt fashion, they ran the cartoon again so everyone would know what the letters to the editor were about. Apparently, some Jewish persons had a problem with the use of crows. Black birds with large beaks notwithstanding, at the time I thought it was an excellent cartoon. I actually had to read the news to figure it out, and in the end, missing out on the crow issue, I laughed mightily at the cartoon.

Q What do you call a bunch of niggers running down a hill?




A You call it a mudslide.


Q How was copper wire invented?




A Once, two Jews grabbed the same penny...








How much does Jesus love you?

*Spread arms and look mopey*


This much.

Ha Ha Ha!

Invert - don't think so.

Rap - I've heard a different version.

What do you call a buncha white guys running down a hill? Avalanche. Buncha black guys? Mudslide. Bunch Mexicans? Prison break.

Here's one:

A guy decided that he wanted to be a black guy. So he goes to the doctor to find out what kind of surgeries need to be done. The doctor outlines a plan of skin darkening, penis extension, hair-curling, etc... Then, when all this is done, the most important part of the operation is to be done, cutting out half the guy's brain.

So, the guy goes for it, all the operations are done flawlessly until the brain surgery. During the brain surgery, an earthquake rocks the hospital and causes the surgeon's hand to slip. He accidently cuts out 3/4 of the brain instead of 1/2. The surgeon corrects the problem as much as he is able, but not much can be done to reattach the severed brain. So he closes him up and waits to see the results.

Later, the guy wakes up and the surgeon comes in to ask him questions. "Mr. Johnson, can you hear me?"

"Si."

A very good crop of stuff so far, ladies and gennelmen. Keep up the (lack of) quality!

Anyway, here's another from me:

Young Susan asks her dad if she can borrow the car.
DAD: "Only if you suck my cock, Susan. You know the rules..."
Susan sighs and drops to her knees. Dad whips his unit out and she plants her lips around it. Instantly she recoils in disgust.
SUSAN: "Eurrghh! It tastes like shit!"
DAD: " Yeah, your brother wanted to borrow twenty bucks..."

(Not really offensive--just shite!)

The Flemster.

An elderly manis driving down the M1when his mobile rings.Answering it,he hears his wifeon the other end.
"albert",she says,"please be carefulwhen you`re driving back.I just heard on the radio
that there`s a maniac on the M1.he`s driving the wrong way!"
"its not just one" albert replies,"There`s fucking hundreds of them!"

whats the difference between a blonde and a walrus?

one has fishy flaps and whiskers and the other is a walrus

That last would probably be more offensive and accurate if you replace blonde with and ethnic group of some type... eskimo perhaps. Although there's few eskimos around to offend.

so its alright to discriminate against blondes but not to discriminate against an ethnic group???

Blondes are too stupid to be offended. :p

Nah, it's just that blonde jokes are to blase nowadays. Not very offensive. It was funny joke though. But if I ever repeat it to someone, I'll make it an ethnic female. That's sure to ruffle some feathers.

Balls to blondes. If anyone is offended on this site then they're really missing the point and, as a result, deserve to be insulted.
Remember: They're only jokes!!!

Anyway, here's another from me:

Q-- What's the difference between a Muslim and a bag of shit?
A-- The bag.

The Flemster.

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned.
"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

"Nah, it's just that blonde jokes are to blase nowadays. Not very offensive. It was funny joke though. But if I ever repeat it to someone, I'll make it an ethnic female. That's sure to ruffle some feathers."

gotta love ruffling feathers :P

Flemster, nice joke, i gotta use that whenever i find someone i want to insult

what do you get if you cross a nigger with a paki?









a car thief that can`t drive

Here's another. (Although it's only offensive to cannibals).

A cannibal walks into the clearing his tribe uses for a toilet. He sees his best friend having a shit and crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks.
His pal looks up at him with watery eyes and asys "I've just dumped my girlfriend."

Hmm...

Keep 'em coming, kids!

The Flemster.

A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The landlord runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.
About two weeks later,the man comes backto the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is agaian out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it upsticks it up his arse,and then eats it.
The landlord,having seen this,asks the man:"Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No",says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him.
"Well,what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"

LOL! Measures! LOL!

While enjoying a drink with his mate one night,ryan decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish;Ryan rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter.
He asks his new love if she has a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer",she replies.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he enquires nervously.
"No,silly" she replies.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No",she replirs,snuggling up to him.
"Who is he then?"
"Thats me,before the operation!" :D :D

ah excellent but not really offensive (unless you dont like people who smoke)

:) well i`d imagine i would be a bit pissed off if it happened to me,and it would really offend homophobes!!

mmaayyybe.
but why? (homophobes)
"whatcu meann starrr?"
and being pissed off isnt being offended
i mean, a horse pissing on you in the middle of madison sqaure garden would piss you off, but maybe a horse pissing on a black man over a white man would piss black people off.

what about this one.
Ryan rings his boss at work and says"Look,i`m really sorry,but i can`t come to work today,i`m sick".
"Sick!" screams his boss "Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Ryan.Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well",replies Ryan."I`m in bed with my 9 year old sister" :D

better, much much much much much much much much much much much 8 on its side better.

being pissed off can mean being offended in britain.and if you are a homophobe,i would imagine inserting your dick into the subject of your phobia,would in all probabillty,no certainly,offend you!! :D

your turn,you have the floor

being pissed off can mean being offended in britain.and if you are a homophobe,i would imagine inserting your dick into the subject of your phobia,would in all probabillty,no certainly,offend you!! :D

NO DAMMIT IT ISNT
pissed off = like... irritated
offeneded= hurt emotionally
DA
Wahat you sayin all these tings bout be?

AND< THE WOMAN HAD AN OPERATION SO THERE WOULD BE NO DICK BEIN INSERTED INTO ANYWHERE THAT MAY OFFEND ANYONE UNLESS YOU DID A LOAD OF KINKY BONDAGE SHIT IN FRONT OF A STRAIGHT EDGE HOMO.

?????the woman WAS a MAN.she had had a sex change operation.SO if you were a hetro guy who hated gays you would be offended to find out you were fucking what USED to be a man.geddit?
i`m a brit.pissed off CAN mean offended.

YEAH IT CAN IF YOU ARE TALKING IN CAPITALS.
BUT NOT IF YOUR NORMAL
I KNOW SHE WAS A MAN BUT FRANKLY I AM BOREED WITH THIS BICKERING SHE IS NO LONGER A MAN AND WHILE THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD FUCK HER THE ONLY PERSON THAT IS AFFECTED IS THE GUY, WHO MIGHT NEED SOME SORT OF TREATMENT (i would) BUT APART FROM THAT ALL YOU HAVE IS A STORY THAT ENDS WITH YOU LAUGHING AT THE GUY FOR BEING SUCH A PRICK THAT HE STUCK HIS PRICK IN THE PLACE WHERE ANOTHER GUYS PRICK USED TO BE.

ok.............hhmmmm.i think i`ll have some more drugs now.you`ve burst my brain.you really do live up to your name :D

thank you, but i am right you know.

Whats grey,sits on the end of your bed,and takes the piss out of you?







a kidney dialysis machine

LOL that is excellent (and non debatable)

I've got one: what do you call three people in wheelchairs stacked on top of each other?






A vegetable rack.

what's 6 inches long and starts with a P?

A shit.

The Flemster.

Whats got 4 legs and goes "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"? :D












Rod Hulls telly.

just to let anybody who does`nt know who Rod Hull is, he was a crap comedian who had a puppet of an emu in his act.He was up on his roof messing about with his TV aerial, slipped of the roof and killed himself.

Q: why are Aspirins made white?
A: you want them to work, don't you?

Q: what's the best thing about fucking a 9 year old boy?
A: you can turn him over and pretend he's a 9 year old girl.

a black guy is walking on the street with a big parrot on his shoulder.
a little boy comes up and says "sir, what an interesting animal you got there".
the parrot goes "yeah, i got him in Africa"

at a meating in a synagogue, Yossef asks the rabbi: "rabbi, why do people hate us so much?"
the rabbi says "that's an interesting question. how about we all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka. each one of you should bring a bottle so we can mix it in a big pot and drink, and discuss, and the answer will be clear."
Yossef went home and thought to himself "if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, if i bring a bottle of water no one will notice the difference."
and water was what he brought.
the rabbi poured all the vodka together in one pot, and started mixing it.
Yossef got anxious - "well, rabbi, what is the answer to my question? why do people hate us so much?"
the rabbi filled a cup and said "drink this Yossef"
yossef did and said "but this is water!"
and the rabbi said "and this is why the people hate us"

:D
i'm a Jew, i can say it.
and about the black jokes, i hope nobody got offended

we had some chinese people drown in morecambe bay the joke going round at the time was
two sharks swimming in the english canel one says to the other what shall we have for dinner tonight the other says lets goto morecambe i fancy a chinese.

when lord mount batten died in the explosion on his yauht the joke was,
what shampoo did he use answer head and shoulders as they found it on the beach.

when the aid's epidemic started this when round.
the queens going round the guys hospital and come's across a room that's locked she looks though the doors window and see a man groaning so she turns to a nurse and asks is he alright what are you feeding him on, he's got aid's your majesty and we feed him pancakes, pizza, pitta bread, sandwiches,flapjacks,bisguits.
the queens say why such a strange menu the nurse answers it's the only stuff we can slide under the door

a hard man with tattoos all over and one across his chest saying "I hate niggers"
walks into a bar the landlord says dont cause any problems i have a lot of black patrons.
just then a black man winding an organ playing zipa idy do dar come's in with a squirral monkey wearing a hat when he stop winding the monkey go'es round with his hat open the hard man put's twenty pounds in, the landlord see this and runs over and says i thought you did'nt like niggers, the hardman answer you cant take it out on the children can you.

I havent seen alot of dog jokes.... these are dedicated to the Animal Rights people.

Q: What do you call a dog with metal balls and no back legs?
A: Sparky

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: ... Right where you left him.

Q: Whats red and green and goes 100mph
A: A frog in a blender.

And one dead baby joke

Q: Whats worse than a pile of dead babies.
A: The one thats alive at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

Got to walk the dog, be back with more.

I know this is not an offencvie joke, but if your stoned or drunk this one is for you. You probly allready heard it, but hey.

Two muffins are in an oven, and the first one turns to the other one and says " Hey dont you think it gets getting a little hot in here." With that the second one replys " Holy shit a talking muffin"

*BADA BING*

awwww ya dont have to be so hard on the norwegians.... but the jokes are great! keep em comin, if i think of some, ill post em. :)

There are three blondes stuck on an isle, they had been there for a few days, when the stumbled across a magical lamp. One of the blondes rub's the lamp and sure enough a geniue pops out and says I will grant each of you a wish. The first blonde says, make me smart so I can think of a way to get off this isle. He points his finger at her, and she turns into a redhead, after a few mins the blond heads twoards the water and swims. The next blonde says, make me even smarter than her so I can get off this island. So he points his finger and she becomes a brunette, and she bulids a boat and sets sail. The last one says make me smarter than both of them combined, and he points his finger at her and turns her into a man, the man than walks across the foot bridge to the other side.

In the mood for blonde bashing....

How do you confuse a blonde?
You take her to a round ball shaped room and tell her to find a corner.

How does a blonde confuse you?
When she tells you she found one.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair a diffrent collor?
Artificial intelligence.

what does a blonde put behind her ears,
her legs.
two cows in a field one says to the other, what do you think of this mad cow disease,
the other says, I dont care I'm a rabbit.
a banana and vibrator, in a blondes bedroom ,the banana says to the vibrator, why are you shaking she going to eat me.
just a silly one to finish.

What has four legs and goes 'Shhhhhhhh'?

A-- Rod Hull's telly.

This is turning into a very useful thread, people. Keep 'em pouring in and I'll have plenty of pub ammo for weeks to come!

The Flemster.

Son can you tell the difference between the British tanks, and the Iraqi tanks?
No sir!
Then welcome to the United States Army.........

----------------------------------------------------------------

Was big chief sitting bull gay ?

I heard he was a brave fucker!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------

The US Army are planning on making a film starring Hugh Grant in IRAQ, its called 1 Wedding and 40 Funerals
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into Asda and slaps his knob on the check out and says - Now roll that fucker back
-------------------------------------------------------------

I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal, one tin of soup.

I leaned over and said your single arent you?

She said how can you tell?

I said "cos your ugly as fuck!!

------------------------------------------------------------------


"Doctor! I think my wife is dead."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up."

-----------------------------------------------------------------


Lad comes home from school and says to his mum "I've got the biggest knob in the third year, is it cos I'm black?". She says "No its because you're 19 you fucking retard".

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus walks into the Hilton hotel with 3 nails and says, "Can you put me up for Easter?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Paki was found dead with 50 stab wounds in his back - Coroner says "Thats the worst case of suicide I've seen for years"

---------------------------------------------------------------

Paki walks into an off-licence and asks "Please recommend to me your finest port"

Shopkeeper says "Southampton - fuck off"

what do you call a bunch of mexicans running down the street?
the border.

what happens when a jewish boy with a boner runs into a wall?
he breaks his nose

how do you exterminate the black race?
shut down K-mart

whats white, hard, and 9 inches long?
nothing.

What's eighteen inches, stiff, and makes women scream at night?

Crib death.

What do you do when a nigger knocks on your door.





Shoot him in the face.

Okey, I'll first start by repeating a joke against my own race:

How do you tell when an Indian boy becomes a man? When the diaper goes from the bottom to the top.

Okey, and now some offensive jokes from http://www.thebirdman.org/

Africa: The proof that, by being enslaved by whites, blacks never had it so good.

African-Americans: (1) A people who were once enslaved, but who now enjoy special privileges as a result of constantly whining that they are oppressed; (2) A people who keep changing their name -- niggers, darkies, colored people, negroes, blacks, Afro-Americans, African-Americans -- because they keep trying to run away from all the unpleasant associations which their behavior keeps attaching to them.

Antisemite: (1) Originally, one who did not like Jews; now, one whom the Jews do not like (Lou Rollins)

Bigot: One who disagrees with a liberal.

Black caucus: A bunch of Crows who Caw and Cuss in a place called Incongruous.

Conservative: A liberal who's been mugged. (Unknown)

Discrimination: Preferring the desirable to the undesirable.

Equality: The theory that black equals white, dumb equals smart, incompetence equals competence, lies equal truth, and bad equals good.

Feminist: A man-eating tigress; a female with all the vices of women and none of the virtues; a woman who couldn't find a man and couldn't even get work as a whore.

Gun control: The belief that no one has the right to shoot back.

Hitler: A man who is hated so much by Jews that they are constantly building memorials to his work.

Homosexuals: Men who have confused boys with girls, toilet stalls with bedrooms, and lovemaking with frolicking in a sewer.

Jesse Jackson: A man whose expertise in racism comes from referring to New York as 'Hymietown' and serving whites soup into which he had spit.

Liberal: Someone who believes it is his moral duty to let minorities take their pleasure in everybody else's backside besides his own.

Mexico: A toilet on which America sits, and which is beginning to back up.

NAACP: The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Who Would Be Offended If You Called Them That.

Nigger: A term of denigration used in referring to negroes, and frequently used by negroes to refer to one another, thereby showing that negroes know what they are talking about.

Prejudiced: Less willing to believe what the government tells you about minorities than what you are told by family, friends, or your own eyes.

Racial slur: An unpleasant truth.

Third World: A place that has a great love for whites, provided only they are baked, boiled or roasted.

Welfare: Taking money from the productive and giving it to the unproductive so they can not only remain unproductive, but can breed even more unproductives.

Raj Ganatra

How bout another blonde joke?

How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?

When a tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

there's a blonde a redhead and a brunette on top of a burning building.

firemen get there and hold a blanket tightly at the bottom so that they can catch the 3 women when they jump.

So the brunette goes first, and jump off the burning building, but the SWOOSH the firemen pull the blanket out from under her, and she hits the sidewalk instantly makiung her loony-toon pancake style.

then the fire men say to the red head "Jump! Jump! Don't worry it's only brunette's we dont like, we love readheads! Trust us and Jump!"

So the redhead jumps off and then SWOOSH the blanket's gone and she turns into a large red splat on the pavement.

Then the firemen say "Jump! Jump! its only redheads and brunettes we dont like! We love blondes! Trust us and jump!"

Then the blonde says "I dunno... I dont trust you men, so here's what i want you to do. Put The blanket down and walk AWAY from the blaket"

Vienna! You're back!!!
I thought you'd been deported or something. Cool jokes, btw.
I'm totally drawing a blank today, joke wise, but then I have one fucker of a hangover.

The Flemster.

a man is giving himself a hand shandy(wank) and he come's in his hand ,
he take's a long learing look at this come. and start to talk to it he say's you could have been a film star a brain surgeon or even president and he flip's it into his other hand and then say's on the other you could turn out to be a bastard like me, i'll give you another chance and then suck's it up and swallows

two cowboy's in a saloon one say's to the other,I bet you fifty buck's you cant take a sip of that spitoon over there , with that the other cowboy put's it to his mouth a drink's the lot, his friend say i told you to take a sip .
he reply's well it was all in one lump.

Lol :D :D

this man is sitting on a bus when this young nun gets on he think she 's beautiful so he sit next to her and say's "sister i think you the most beautiful women i ever seen will you marry me" she say's " I'm sorry i cant marry you i'm married to god" and with that get's of the bus later as th man's getting of the bus the bus driver say's " I know that nun every morning a five am she's down by the river preying, so next morning he's down by the river dressed as jesus and say's to this nun " sister i am god and your married to me and i've come to consummate the marriage" she's say's oh you silly fucker you've picked the wrong week but I suppose you could do it up the back " so he fuck's this nun up the back , after he's filled with guilt so he say's to himself you've goto tell her so he say's "sister I am not god I am the man you met on the bus" she say's "I'm not the nun I'm the bus driver"

this nun was chasing the grows off her cabbage patch, and saying fuck off,fuck off.
disgusted on hearing the nun, the mother superior came rushing out,
and said, sister,sister,
dont say that say shoo ,shoo,
and that fuck off just the same.

Excellent work all!

Here's another:
Q-- What do Rod Hull and Emu have in common?

A-- Neither can fly.


The Flemster.

what's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
the pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

Why don't balcks and mexicans have children (together)?
the kids would be too lazy to steal.

how can you tell when a blond has been using the computer?
there is white out on the screen.

why do blonds like convertables?
more leg room.

why do blonds like tilt stearing?
more head room

a blond cuts and dyes her hair and, feeling much smarter, goes for a drive in the country. She comes across a flock of sheep crossing the road and stops the car.
Feeling intelligent, she steps out of her vehicle and says to the sheep hearder " if I can guess the number of sheep in your flock, will you give me one?"
the sheppard agrees.
the blond stands there and after trying to count the sheep as they move across teh road, decides that there are exactly 45 sheep in the flock and tells the shepard so.
"your right. go ahead and pick out any sheep you want. a deals a deal" he says.
she decideds on one that is smaller than the rest, black, and seems to listen really well. "this is the one I want" she says.
The shepard says, " Let me make you a deal. If I can guess you original hair color, you give me back my dog."

a blond driving down the road sees another blond in a boat in the middle of a field, fishing.
Angry, she stops the car and yells to the blond in the boat, "It's people like you that give us blonds a bad name! And if I could swim, I would come out there..."

thats all for now.

Vienna! You're back!!!
I thought you'd been deported or something. Cool jokes, btw.
I'm totally drawing a blank today, joke wise, but then I have one fucker of a hangover.

The Flemster.

Hi Flemster, how you doing

A few more jokes...............................

-----------------------------------------------------------

A Paki karaoke singer - Gorrupta Singh

---------------------------------------------

New support group has started up in Bradford to help Muslim Fundamentalists with a drink problem. Its called Alky-eda.

----------------------------------------------------

Just had one of them Iraqi currys. Given me the fuckin Shi-ites.

-----------------------------------------------------

This is a visual joke...

Get a shoe or a boot and blow cigarette smoke into it - what is that?

An israeli waiting for a bus!

-----------------------------------------------------


Young Jimmy is absent from school one day. On his return,his teacher asks:"We dint see you in class - what was wrong with you yesterday Jimmy"?
"My daddy got burned miss " says Jimmy. Taken aback, the teacher replies, "Thats a shame, Jimmy,Was he badly burnt"?
Jimmy looks at her."well,they don't fuck about at the crematorium, miss."

--------------------------------------------------------

How do you circumsize a Mormon?
Kick his sister in the chin!

-------------------------------------------------------------


Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Micheal Jackson, Jackos lawyer said its all lies as he was in Brooklyn at the time.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a doctors with a steering wheel down his pants,the doctor says what happened, man says "I dont know but its driving me nuts".

--------------------------------------------------------------

Two nuns cycling down the road & one turns to the other & says, I've never come this way before. Her mate replies, me neither, it must be the cobblestones.



More soon...... :D

Why don't M&M's melt in Jesus' hands?

Because they fall through the holes.

Why is Jesus so tired?

Because he was up all night.


What does a French woman put behind her ears to attract men?

Her ankles.

Sheesh. You call these offensive?

How many Jews can you fit in a VW Bug?

-One in the drivers seat, one in the passengers seat, and 6 million in the ash tray

What does a Mexican get for Christmas?

-Your bike

Why do Mexicans refry their beans?

-Ever see a Mexican do something right the first time?

What do you call a Mexican baptism?

-A bean dip

Why did only 200 Mexicans show up at the alamo?

-They only had 4 cars to get there in

What do you call a barn full of black guys?

-Antique farm equipment

What does FUBU stand for?

-Farmers Used to Beat Us

What does Pontiac stand for?

-Poor old nigger thinks its a Cadillac

How do you keep 5 black guys from raping a white woman?

-Throw them a basketball

What do you call a white guy with 5 black guys around him?

-Coach

What do you call a white guy with 10 black guys around him?

-Quarterback

What do you call a black guy who's a teacher?

-Nigger

What do you call 5 black guys hanging from a tree?

-A Mississippi windchime

I'm sure more will come to mind soon. If you're offended, go fuck yourself

oh yeah!

Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?

-Christopher Reeves after his house burns down

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

-Christopher Walken

sweet, remembered some more

Whats the difference between a black guy and a pizza?

-The pizza can feed a family of four

How are black people like sperm?

-Only one in 10 million actually work

What can a bench do that a black guy can't?

-Support an entire family

Settle down, its all in good fun, i don't hate anyone, mostly because everyone knows that hate leads to pain, pain leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the dark side.

Whats got 3 legs and lives on a farm?









Mr & Mrs Paul McCartney :D

AIDS stands for American Instigated Death Sentence,
GAY stands for Got Aids Yet,
if these are offensive then sorry.
only heard them the other day, this thread is for the most offensive joke.

AIDS= Arsehole Injected Death Syndrome

A hospital opens a new AIDS care unit. The boss is showing a dignitary round the place,and is asked, "do they have a special diet here?"
"they sure do" says the boss. "we feed them on pizza, pancakes, and kippers"
"thats a bizzare combination" says the dignitry."how come?"
"well, thats the only stuff we can slide under the door!" :D

Excellent work, peeps!

Here's some I heard over the weekend:

A father and son are at the beach. The son is mentally disabled and is looking bored.
DAD: "Here, son, why don't you take this pound coin and go buy an ice cream from the ice cream van up there?"
SON: (in a mongy voice) "Fang yew, daddy."
The son spazzes his way up to the ice cream van and says;
"Can I have a 99 wiv a Flake, please?"
The ice cream man says nothing. He makes the ice cream and, instead of giving to the boy, shoves it in his face.
Upset, the boy spazzes back to his father and tells him what happened.
DAD:" That's strange, son. Look, here's another pound. Go and try again and if it happens again come and tell me and I'll sort it out."
SON: "Okay, daddy."
So the son spazzes back across the beach top the ice cream van and asks for another 99 with a Flake.
Again, the ice cream man makes the ice cream up and shoves it in the kid's face.
The son spazzes back across the sand and tells his dad.
Furious, the father storms up to the ice cream man;
DAD: "Oi! What's the big idea? Every time my son comes up here for an ice cream, you shove it in his face! Why did you do that?"
ICE CREAM MAN: (in a mongy voice) "I fort he was takin' the piss."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(I think this one will only work on people in England. Sorry, everyone else!)

A man walk up to a ticket counter in Kings Cross Station.
MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."

TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"

MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"

TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"

MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all I can remember for now!

The Flemster.

can you explain the English only one plz? :bugeye:

A 99 is a type of ice cream cone, very traditional, vanilla ice cream, a bar of very flakey ,crumbly chocolate. a few nuts spinkled on it.

This one is a spoof of an old advert for Tunes cold sweets. They are meant to unblock your nose when its all bunged up with snot . they don`t. so the guy is asking for a firet class ticket to nottingham, in a mongy voice. geddit?

Good Uns Flemster!


Another spazzey kid goes to the ice cream van and asks "Can I haf un iceshcream, pwease?

Ice cream fella says "Want owt on it, juice? nuts? flake?

Spazzy kids says "Dunt matter weally, I'm only going to drop it"

you've got to try, and picture this, as it's more a visual joke. so I'll try my best.
this man is standing infront of the urinal, at the local toilet. his shirt sleeves hang, loosely down the sides of his body. he's bursting for a piss.
another man walk's in, see this poor armless man standing there and says can I help. he answers, you could'nt unzip me, and get it out could you, I'm bursting.
so the man unzips this poor fellow, and puts his hand in, as he get it out, it has a yellowbrown pus, leaking out of a huge green swellings all over.
so he let's go in shock, the armless man has his pee.
after he's pee'd, the other man say's I suppose, you'd like me to put it back would you.
oh yes please he say's, so he does.
he then's say to the armless man, what the hell, is wrong with your cock. the armless men says (popping his hand out of the sleeves) I dont know, but I ain't touching it.

A 99 is a type of ice cream cone, very traditional, vanilla ice cream, a bar of very flakey ,crumbly chocolate. a few nuts spinkled on it.


Thanks; but that I knew ;) It was the Tunes one I didn't know.


My addition:


It's not too offensive but you have to know about Formula 1 racing;

What do Montoya, Raikonnen and Coultard do after winning the F1 Championship?

Turn off their playstation.

haha :D

I've heard that we are going to have a re-run of "Roots" on TV


This time they're gonna play it backwards.

:D

Whats the difference between Bjorn Borg and Michael Watson?





Ones a swede,the others a cabbage. :D


Bit of a british one that. Michael Watson was a boxer who got brain damage in a match.

Heh heh.

A man goes to his doctors to pick up his wife's test results.
DOC: I'm affraid there's bad news.
MAN: What is it?
DOC: Well, we're not sure. Your wife has either Alzheimers or AIDS.
MAN: Bloody hell! Well, which one is it?
DOC: Dunno. But there is a test you can do.
MAN: Which is...?
DOC: Put her in your car and drive her out into the middle of nowhere.
MAN:Then...?
DOC: Leave her there. If she find's her way home, don't fuck her.

Boom Boom!

The Flemster.

(I heard about 10 corkers last night but those evil beer fairies have eradicated them from my short-term... bastards!)

NASA isn't all that great....

They've put a man on the moon.

But they haven't managed to get one on Martina Navratilova :D

man goes into a whore house, the madam say's, what can I do for you.
he say's, I'd like one of your women, but I've only got a doller.
she say's, theres a maniquin, in room one thats a doller.
so in he goes, when he's finished. the madam say's was that good.
oh yes, he say's but the maniquin, kept crying pearlly tear's. and the madam yells "ETHEL YOU'VE FORGOT TO EMPTY THE MANIQUIN AGAIN" .

THE MIDDLE EAST PHRASE BOOK


Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.

Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey

I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram

The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar

I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.

Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban

The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande

I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.

Balli, Balli, Balli

Whatever you say.

Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti

It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.

If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

Q-- How many sugars does Christopher Reeve take in his coffee?

A-- *blinks twice*.

The Flemster.

What happens when a Paki eats a rat?
He will have more brains in his stomach.

What do you do to make a Paki pay attention to you?
Start your sentence with the word Kashmir.

What is black & brown and looks good on Paki?
A Doberman.

You're looked in a room with Saddam Hussien, Adolf Hitler & a Paki. You have a gun with only 2 bullets. what do you do?
Shoot the Paki twice to make sure he is dead

A white man walks into a pub in Oldham, totally shattered, screaming “All Muslims are shitheads".

A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take serious offense to that ! It's a bloody lie !”

The white guy asks, “Why? Are you a Muslim?”

He replies proudly, “No. I'm a shithead.”

A white man walks into a pub in Oldham, totally shattered, screaming ?All Muslims are shitheads".

A man sitting in the corner shouts, ?I take serious offense to that ! It's a bloody lie !?

The white guy asks, ?Why? Are you a Muslim??

He replies proudly, ?No. I'm a shithead.?

The first statment -all muslims are shitheads- does not imply that -all shitheads are muslims-.

Spurious, its just a juke dude. Chill :cool:

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?

2 in the front, 2 in the back and the rest in the ash tray.




What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.




Why don't black people like to take aspirin?

They have to pick cotten to get at it.

A white man walks into a pub in Oldham, totally shattered, screaming “All Muslims are shitheads".

A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take serious offense to that ! It's a bloody lie !”

The white guy asks, “Why? Are you a Muslim?”

He replies proudly, “No. I'm a shithead.”


Sold!
I'm using that one tonight!

The Flemster.

Spurious, its just a juke dude. Chill :cool:

That is my problem with it. Not the political correctnes. I don't give a shit about that.

The false relationship between the two statements make the joke not funny... i.e. a very bad joke.

That is my problem with it. Not the political correctnes. I don't give a shit about that.

The false relationship between the two statements make the joke not funny... i.e. a very bad joke.

Surely your statement is incorrect.
What makes a joke bad?
It's all subjective.
This is an offensive jokes thread-- not a joke disection page, so put up or fuck off (!)
:p

The Flemster.

I see now why that joke was offensive.

It was offensive to anyone's intelligence.

My mistake.

this american is in london in a taxi.
he look out of the window, and say's what's that building there.
the taxi driver say's, the bank ok england.
the american say's back in the states, we have bank's ten time's bigger then that.
a little futher on, the american see london bridge, and say's we have bridge's ten time's bigger than that.
suddenly the american spy's a buliding, with a lot of people standing outside looking dum, and he say's see that lil hol building there, we have one ten time's bigger than that.
and the taxi driver say's I'm not surprised, that's a lunatic asylum.



this londoner, goes to texas for a holiday, walk's into a reaturant,and sit's down, a waiter come's over, and say's what would you like.
the londoner say's a nice steak, and a pint of beer.
the waiter say's sorry, we dont do pint's of beer, only quart's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that, and a glass of whisky.
the waiter say's we dont do, glasses only jug's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that, and a cup of coffee after my meal.(slightly pissed off)
the waiter say's sorry, we dont do cups only mug's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that.(really pissed off)
thank you.
as he's leaving the waiter say's, how would you like your steak sir.
the londoner say's cut it's horn's and tail off and wipe it's arse and that'll do.

Nice ones pavlosmarcos. True story this, friends of mines parents, on a fly drive holiday in texas, stop at this little town called armpit, windsock, whatever. Anyways they are real foodies, and of course love their drink.
They are in a bar, and have a bottle of Bud each. They decide to stay a while and have another drink. My mates mum goes up to the bar and says in her perfect Queens english, "yes, this budwieser is very crisp to the taste, but i was wondering, do you have anything a little drier? " the barman gave her a funny look and said, "No lady,all our drinks are wet". :D

I see now why that joke was offensive.

It was offensive to anyone's intelligence.

My mistake.

No, seriously, Monkeynuts, if you can't get into the swing of things then bugger off to another thread.
No one is required to have intelligence on this thread, you arrogant prick, so stop getting all menstrual about it.

(I guess we've finally found someone who is offended by these jokes. Perhaps monkeys can't read thread titles...)

The Flemster.

Ronald Reagan recently died and went to heaven, and there he met Saint Peter. He started to look around and he noticed there were thousands of clocks everywhere. As he looked over at one he noticed that the hand moved just two ticks.
He asked Saint Peter, "Why are there so many clocks in heaven?"

Saint Peter answered, "Well, every time someone on earth has a wank - their clock moves one second."

Reagan said, "OK, I think I get it, which one is spuriousmonkey's clock?"

Saint Peter answers, "God has it up in his office, he's using it as a FAN!"

:D

nice one!! :D

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?




A clit round the ear and a flap across the face ;)

this guy walks into a whore house,he see's three doors with blonde, brunette, and redhead painted on them.
so he open's the one marked blonde, and there's three more door's,big tit's, medium tit's, and small tit's.
so he open's the one marked big tit's, and again three more, this time marked,small cunt, medium cunt, and big cunt.
so he open's the big cunt door, and he's back out in the street.

Ronald Reagan recently died and went to heaven, and there he met Saint Peter. He started to look around and he noticed there were thousands of clocks everywhere. As he looked over at one he noticed that the hand moved just two ticks.
He asked Saint Peter, "Why are there so many clocks in heaven?"

Saint Peter answered, "Well, every time someone on earth has a wank - their clock moves one second."

Reagan said, "OK, I think I get it, which one is spuriousmonkey's clock?"

Saint Peter answers, "God has it up in his office, he's using it as a FAN!"

:D

Sweet!

The Flemster.

An Iranian shi'ite muslim, an american soldier and two jews walk into a bar, the jews say 'two lemonades please' and the iraqi terrorist bartender, blows himself up.....

George W and Bin Laden are sitting watching Star Trek. Bin turns to George and says "This is crap, they have blacks , chinese, gays , aliens, every race and creed apart from muslims. Its not very realistic is it?" George turns to Bin Laden and says
" Oh yes it is, what you don`t understand Bin, this is Star Trek, its set in the FUTURE!"

An Iranian shi'ite muslim, an american soldier and two jews walk into a bar, the jews say 'two lemonades please' and the iraqi terrorist bartender, blows himself up.....

Don't get it.

The Flemster.

(England are out of the Euro 2004 Finals due to either a dodgy referee, David Beckham's disastourous penalty and/or any number of other reasons. It didn't take long for the jokes to start circulating...)
---

Q-- What have the England football team and a 3-pin plug got in common?

A-- They're both fucking useless in Europe.
-----------------------------

Guess what landed in my back garden earlier?

Beckham's penalty.
-------------------

Victoria (Posh Spice) Beckham has broken the World Record for gang bangs.
In 120 minutes, her shaven cunt managed to fuck the entire country!
-------------------------------------------------

The Flemster.

What's better than sex with a 12 year old Mexican boy?


NOTHING!!!!

(heard that rafting in West Virginia..frankly I'm not surprised)

Its april 1st and a man recieves a phone call from the hospital saying his wifes about to give birth, so he drives like crazy to get there and the doctor says 'the babies doing great your wifes really happy' takes him into the room, which is empty, the man says 'what the fucks going on?' And the doctor says 'april fool, your wifes dead and your babies a spastic'.

Why did the black guy have shit in his wallet?

For I.D

a jew a gay guy and a child molestor die and go to heaven...
god decides the 3 of them deserve to live again...
so he told the child molestor "of you touch a child again your going to die"
he told the gay guy "if you think about sex with a man again your going to die"
he told the jew "if you be cheap again your going to die"
so they all went back to earth walking in a single file line..
the child molestor saw a little boy trip and fall and as soon as he picked him up, he died...
the jew saw a penny on the ground, bent over to pick it up and both the jew and the gay guy died

Q-- What's the difference between a Christian blow-up doll and a Muslim blow-up doll?

A-- The Muslim one blows itself up.

The Flemster.

Here's a bad one:

Slav[e]

Sorry if I offended anyone, just had to do it. :(

this man want's to be a monk,(please dont ask why) the the father of the monestry. say's you'll have to go though a test, to see if your monk material.
what we do is tie a bell to the end of you knob, and parade a naked beautiful woman,
in front of you,and if the bell rings you cant join.
so he takes the test, and to make him feel comfortable all the other monks are standing behind him with bell's on there's too.
so in walk's the woman, and his bell starts to ring, it ring's so much it fall's off, and he bend's down to pick it up, and all the other bell's rang.

This has to be the sickest joke I've ever heard in my life.

:::WARNING:::

This joke is in EXTREMELY poor taste and is not even funny.

Do not read it.

Joke is as follows:

Q. What's the worst part of fucking a baby?
A. Disposing of the body afterwards.





...

*Throws up* :x

Now going for the baby jokes? Hah, I know many of them, and all are disgusting...

Be WARNED!
DO NOT READ ON!


You´ll do it anyway, won´t you?

Here you go. I WARNED YOU!

Q: What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
A: An erection.

Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.

Q: What's pink and spits?
A: A baby in a frying pan.

Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

Q: What's the best sound in the world?
A: Hearing dead baby's hips crack under pressure!

Q: How do you stop a baby from choking?
A: Take your dick out of its mouth.

Q: Whats the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
A: Grandmothers dont die when you fuck them in the ass

Now, who was laughing and who had to puke?

i was laughing...
these really arent that offensive....

Oh, I suppose to some, they are. For people who like babies and such...

Truth to tell, I was also laughing when I typed them.

They're gross and paedophilic... how can you laugh?

See Unsound, what did I say?

it's not a question of liking babies... it's just.... eeew.

Hmm, do you think this is offensive too?

Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.

yeah, i puked too...

Hmm, do you think this is offensive too?

Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.

fucking funny!! :D

hey guys, just spent an hour or so laughing my arse off at some of these jokes, and felt that i had to register and have my say

i have a few old ones, mostly pertaining to british disasters. :)

what has four legs and goes woof
Piper Alpha

anybody want to buy a lorry - fell of the back of a ferry

what does NASA stand for
need another seven astronauts

why was there only one black astronaut on the shuttle when it crashed (the first one)
they did not know it was going to crash

what do you call a pakistani lesbian
mingeeta

what do you call a pakistani lesbian wearing a bullet proof vest
mingeeta pting ptang

what do you call a paki that shags sheep
ramalam

what do you call 500 pakis running down the street
hindi 500

will post more when my brain lets me

keep on laughing

Thought of some more guys! These are not truly offensive - well maybe just a wee bit.

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

How do you swat 200 flies at one time
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
So it doesn't split when you fuck it.

What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
Drowns.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.

Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

What do 54,000-abused woman every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen.

keep it real

what's the most intelligent thing, that's come out of a womans mouth,


einsteins cock.

What did the jew say to the german?



AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

This one is pretty bad so be warned.



Whats the worst thing about screwing a 6yr old girl?




::Warning::
Getting blood on you clown costume

OK, here's a slightly offensive and gross joke.

One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself.

The oldest brother wakes up, reads the note left by his father, and decides that life isn't worth living. So he goes to the lake to drown himself as well. There is a mermaid there. She tells the boy that if he can screw her 5 times, she will resurrect his father, and the cows. Anyway, the boy tries his best, but only can do it 3 times. So, she kills him.

The second oldest brother goes to the lake to drown himself, and the mermaid is there. She says that if he screws her 10 times in a row, she will resurrect his father, brother, and cows. He tries his best, but only can get it up 8 times.

The youngest brother then goes to the lake. The mermaid tells him that he must do it with her 20 times. He looks at her, bemused, and then says "What about 100 times? Or 200?"
The mermaid goes "Err, you think that you can handle it?"
And he replies "Sure! How do you think all the cows died???"

did not think that, that last one was funny just stupid. but hey that is not a criticism whatever gets you through the day.

how do you make an Ethiopian pregnant?


cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest. :D

I just found this one:

how did the pollock break his arm while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree!

LOL!

Here's another evil one:

how do you kill 100 files in one shot?

Slap an Ethiopian on the face

Oh god!

OK, here's another slightly childish one, but I cracked up when I heard it.

Two whites were captured by a tribe of aboriginals. The tribe go "You have trespassed on our land, you must be punished. You can either be punished by "Bogga Bogga", or death".

So, the first guy goes "AWWW... I don't want to die, so I'll take Bogga Bogga". Anyway, the tribe rape the man, and then let him go.

The second guy is disgusted, and says "I'll take death!". So the leader of the tribe goes "OK. You are sentenced to death... by Bogga Bogga!"

Blonde Joke:

One day a blonde woke up feeling really good and intelligent, so she decided to take a walk to work and enjoy the city.
On the way to work she stops at a shop and looked through the window and saw the one thing she always wanted, so she decided to enter the shop to buy it.
She goes up to the counter and asks the man if she can buy the tv on display
The man replys "Nope I don't sell anything to blondes"
So she stomps out of the store really mad. The next day she dyes her hair red and goes back to the shop and asks the man again.
The man replys "Nope I don't sell anything to blondes"
So she starts getting angry and decides to turn dye her hair brown. The next day she goes back to the shop and the man refuses to give her service again!
So finally the blonde decides to dye her hair completely black, she goes back to the store and demands the tv.
The man says "I told you once and I told you twice, I do not sell anything to blondes"
The blonde replies " I don't get it, when I was blonde you wouldn't sell it to me, when I was redhead you wouldn't sell it, then I was brown and now I have black hair, how do you know I'm blonde?!?"
The man replies "Cause that's not a tv, its a microwave".

O.K. O.K. If the jokes are like that then......


Q: What's the best thing about screwing 28 year olds?

A: There's 20 of them


Q:Whats black and blue and doesn't like sex?

A: A rape victim


Q: What's blue and doesn't fit?

A: A dead epileptic


we're all going to hell you know.......

A copper in Bradford stops a paki leading a cow down the street. He asks "What are you doing with a cow in the middle of town?" The paki says "I am taking it home to keep it in my house" The copper asks "What about all the flies and shit?" The paki says "It will just have to get used to them."

And....

What do you call a nigger with a BMW?

The Defendant.

ok guys....so blondes are fair game eh!!

A blonde goes into a hairdresser's to get her hair cut, but she is wearing earphones. So the hairdresser says to her "you will have to take off your earphones so that i can cut your hair" but the blonde replies " i cant take them off you will have to work round them" but the hairdresser refuses, so after some arguing back and foth the blonde reluctantly aggrees to take her headphones off, and the hairdresser gets on with the haircut but after about two minutes the blonde goes all limp and falls out of the chair stone dead, the hairdresser calls an ambulance and while she is waiting for it to come she decides to see what the blonde was listening to, as she puts the earphones to her ear she hears a voice going breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out.

ok i kniow its not sick but i think its funny

why do pakis smell

so blind people can hate them to

A man gets a phone call from the hospital telling him his wife has gone into labour. He rushes down there and bursts into the waiting room, surrounded by family and friends.
MAN: "Doctor! Is everything okay?"
DOC: "Yes yes, everything is fine. Your wife is alright and you have a lovely, healthy baby."
MAN: "Oh, thank god!"
DOC: "But I do need a word with you in private..."

The doctor then leads the man into a seperate room and locks the door behind them. Bemused, the man frowns at the doctor.
MAN: "I don't understand, doctor, what ever is the matter?"
The doctor spins round with a massive grin on his face.
DOC: "April Fools! Your wife is dead and your baby is a spastic!"


The Flemster.

The NME didn't publish the interview with Stevie Wonder....

NME: "Stevie, what's it like being blind?"

Stevie: "Well. it could have been worse. I could've been black."

*remenisces to the 'Beforetime', when he first heard that one...*

The Flemster.

In the long, long ago...

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese!

whats black and laughs

a snigger

What's blue, 12 inches long & makes women scream?
- A cot death.

What's red, slimy and crawls up a woman's leg?
- A homesick abortion.

What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?























Pizzas don't scream when you stick em in the oven

why dont pakis let there kids play in sand boxs ?




cause the cats keep berrying them.






















Pizzas don't scream when you stick em in the oven[/QUOTE]

ok im gonna do it:

A Blonde joke:

A blonde walks into a bar
and says ouch

What do you call a blonde with 2 pigtails?
- A blow job with handlebars.

What's the difference between a nigger and a bucket of shit?
- The bucket.

[Hope the moderators will allow that one, given the title of this thread; if not, it's been nice knowing you all.]

Why cant Stevie Wonder drive? - Because he's black.

Oh boy, ive offended two communities now. I dont mean it!

I don't know if I already posted this but:


How do you get three blondes to sit on a stool?



















Turn it upside down

Could I get some more jokes about having sex with small children and animals, those ones crack me up!
Some more like this one please:
“Why wrap a hamsters in tape? So it does not split when you fuck it”

Sure. What's great about 8 year old boys?

Turn them around and they're 8 year old girls.

:D ah thank you I needed that.

... so ... wrong :(

I was in a bookshop the other day, and saw a book with the title "Living with Alzheimers Disease" I thought to myself " that looks interesting" so i had a look on the back to see what the critics had to say about it, and it said, "I found this book surprisingly...........in the fridge!!

So i was in the bookstore again, and i came across this book titled "Living with Parkingsons Disease and Arthritis" this could be interesting i thought, so i flipped it over and read what the critics had to say about it; "After an initial shaky start, i just could not put this book down" :D

So i was in the bookstore again, and i came across this book titled "Living with Parkingsons Disease and Arthritis" this could be interesting i thought, so i flipped it over and read what the critics had to say about it; "After an initial shaky start, i just could not put this book down" :D
ahh nobody gives a blowjob like a granny with parkinsons disease

Q: What are the two biggest lies in Poland?

A: "The check is in your mouth" and "I won't come in the mail."

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?

A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,

"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"

A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.

The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."

"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"

"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.

The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"

"25," he says.

"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"

this one is pretty sick guys so i appologies in advance

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Cancer.

A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn around in a doorway?

A nun with a javelin through her head.

What's big and black and comes in a small white box?

Tiny Pinder

my american friend told me that i dont know who he is but its still funny


What uses a gallon of petrol in 15 seconds and doesn't move?

a buddhist monk

speak to you all soon i am fresh out of jokes for the time being

great jokes mickeyboy, keep it up.

a homo is at circus watching the lion-tamer, the lion-tamer goes up to this lion, get is cock out and puts it in the lions mouth, he then hits the lion on the head with a club, and the lion bites down hard.
he takes is cock out unmarked, and say to the audiance, "I give a hundred pound to anyone, who can do that".
the homo puts his hand up, and says "I'll do it, but dont hit to hard".

sherlock holmes says to watson "go get the vasaline I wish to bum you" "very well holmes" says watson, a couple of minutes later "sorry holmes cant find the vasaline ", "then fetch the lemon curd",a couple of minutes later with the lemon curd.
and holmes bums watson afterwards watson says to holmes "how did you know to use lemon curd", and holmes says "lemon entry, my dear watson lemon entry".


this is not the best of jokes, but every time sherlock holmes, comes on the tele it will come to mind.

did you hear about leper, playing cards he through his hand in.

two tramps walk down the road and they spy a squashed rabbit, one of them picks it and starts eating it the other say how can you eat, that 20 minutes later, the one who ate the rabbit pukes up, and the other get down his knee and start laping it up and first one says, I thought you did'nt want any rabbit, no he says I cant eat cold food, I like my dinners warmed up.

This one is a classic from my childhood. its not to offensive unless you have a small penis.

A Chinese man goes to this butcher, this butcher is known to have a meat for every kind of problem, so the Chinese man comes to the butch and says “I got this… small problem” The butch says “I think I understand, I got the answer: SPAM!” so the Chinese man buys a box of Spam.

A Russian man goes to that butcher and says “I got this… very small problem” The butch says “I think I understand, I got the answer: SPAM!” so the Russian man buys a 3 boxes of Spam.

A American man goes to that butcher and says, “I got this very very small problem” The butch says “I think I understand, I got the answer: SPAM!” so the American man buys a whole cart of Spam.

The next day the Chinese man comes in to see the butcher, the butcher asks: “So how well did it work?” the Chinese man gestures with his hands spread apart about 6inchs.

The next day the Russian man comes in to see the butcher, the butcher asks: “So how well did it work?” the Russian man gestures with his hands spread apart about 18inchs!

The next day the American man comes in to see the butcher, the butcher asks: “So how well did it work” the American man says “See that girl across the street there?, *does pelvic thrust* urrg I got her!!!

I heard this on Jay Leno, but i am not sure i should have posted here. Anyway here goes...
Jay Leno:''What do call 3 year olds running in Kentucky. The Kentucky Derby. What do you call 3 years old running in California. Neverland Ranch'' I think that is how it goes....... Somebody correct me if I am wrong.

little boy come's home school, and say's to his dad what's a cunt, being a modern parent he say's come up stairs, they walk in on mum having a nap.
dad gently pull's mum's undie's off, and he say's to his son see that furry thing there.
well that's lovly, rest of her a cunt.

Certified, I watched the same monologue, it was close enough.

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Certified, I watched the same monologue, it was close enough.
Do you know the exact line. Because that is a great joke.

cop drive's down lover's lane, see three steamed up cars, so pull's over.
he knock's on the first car's window, a girl wind's it down, and he say's what are you doing, she say's the tango.
so he walk's over and tap's on the window of the second car, it open's, and he say's what are you doing, a girl's the bossanova.
so he knock's on the third car, and say's so what are you doing, the tango or the bossanova.
the girl say's, no doing the boss a favor

Q: What would you call the Flinstones if they were black?
A: Fucking niggers.

Q: What's purple and hangs in my back yard?
A: My nigger and I can paint him any colour I want.

Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender head first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face?

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: One part ice cream, two parts dad baby.

Q: What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

Q: What's the difference between an 8 year old girl and your mom?
A: I only fuck your mom in my dreams.

you guys have kept me in pub ammo for ages!
please keep it up!
i've been permanantly fubar-e on narcotics for a few weeks so I haven't heard anything goo for a while.
Sorry!

The Flemster.

a little boy, on a bus and a priest sit next to him, and pulls out a bottle from his pocket and say's see this if I put a bit of this on you, you will go to heaven.
it's holy water.
and the little boy take's a bottle out of his pocket and say's to the priest, if I put a drop of this on your bollocks, you go a hundred mile's an hour, it's nitric acid.

I know it's a bit lame.

5 skinheads corner a paki down an alley, they hand him a dice and say if you throw a 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 we are going to kick the shit out of you. Seeing a possible escape the paki says what happens if i throw a 6? You get another go.

What do you have when a Pakistani is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."

"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"

"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."

What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

What cries and hangs from the ceiling?
A baby on a meathook

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
Hey, go easy on the sweets

What goes "click click click, is that it?, click click click, is that it?..........."
A blind man with a Rubiks cube.

some of these are pretty sick, but hey sick equals funny in my book

What turns a nine - stone weakling into a sixteen stone man of steel?
Polio.

What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A conga in an old peoples home

What is better than winning a medal at the Paraplegic-olympics?
Having two legs.

When a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
"Hey y'all... Watch this!"

What's invisible and smells like dog food?
A pensioner's fart.

What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
Nice tits!

What’s charred and stands between two sticks?
A burnt cripple.

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
You make new friends every day.

A Geologist is giving a tour of his laboratory, the tour walks past a very large seismometer and one of the tourist asks “what this?” the Geologist replies “that is the world most sensitive seismometer” the tourist asks again “Really? How sensitive is it?”
The geologist says, “Here let me show you.” and walks up to the seismometer opens up a control panel and screen and starts typing away, then he says “Well according to this you have farted twice in the last hour.”

this woman got four son's, and there alway's swearing.
one morning the eldest, goes down for breakfast, and she say's what do you want for breakfast, and he say' I'll have fucking cornflakes, and she hit's him round the side of the head.
the next eldest goes in, she ask the same question of him, and he say's (you've guessed it) and she hit's him .
the third boy, and the exact same thing happen's.
well the youngest had seen, his three brother get hit, so he goes in and his mother ask, what would you like for your breakfast, and he say's after seeing, what I just saw, I'd be a cunt, if I ask for fucking cornflake's.


teacher ask her children, to form a sentence, with the word contagious in it.
so little jenny put's her hand up, and say's measles are contagious, very good say's the teacher.
then little simon put's his hand up, and say's there are lot's of diseases that are very contagious, very good say's the teacher.
then little johnny put's his hand up,(and teacher know that johnny's a bit of a lad but she let's him speak)he say's the next door neighbour, was cuting the grass, and my dad said, it'll take that cunt age's to cut that.

As for Jay Leno's Monologues, here are where you can find the archives. I'm at work, so I can't play any with the sound to find the 3-year old joke: http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/monologues/

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."

Question:
What are the 4 quick and easy and effective ways to end the middle east conflict?









Answer:
Nuclear, biological, chemical warfare.
And divine intervention.

I want some feedback. Did this make you laugh? Or is it too sick?

Had some good laughs, just adding to the enjoyment

what do you call a doctor who performs abortion on black people?

crime stoppers

Why are black people so fast?

The slow ones are in jail

How do you get a paki out of the swimming pool?

Throw in some soap

A black guy and a mexican get into a car, who drives?

The police officer

Whats the cuban national anthem?

Row Row Row your boat

What do you call a black priest?

Holy shit

2 pakis sitting in a tree 1 took a shit then there were 3

made me laugh guth :D

the racist ones don't really get me, it makes my want to crack a white mans head open, the sex with small children and animals ones, those really get me :D how about some really gross ones anyone got more of those?

good good. The funny thing is I figure you can take it as both a sick joke and a statement of the obvious, depending on your viewpoint.
Even better though, I thought of it myself. Now, lets see how long it is before I see it somewhere else.

Catholicism: if shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: shit won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: when shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: if shit happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: shit happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this shit!

Theres an englishman, an irishman, and a scotsman, running away from the police, they run down a back alley and theres three sacks, so they all jump in a sack and the policemen come along kick the first sack and the scotsman inside says 'woof' so they think it must be a dog and kick the second sack, the englishman inside says 'meow' so they think it must be a cat and kick the third sack, and the irishman inside says 'potatoes'.

hi guys, this is not sick but i think it's very funny, so i am willing to face your scorn for not posting a sick joke.

A new priest was performing his first mass and was so nervous that he could hardly speak.
After the mass was over he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous i take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous so he took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off of his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said “take this and eat for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the cherry.”

13) The recommended grace for before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest a St Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s.
:D

I used to be a boxer they called picasso as I was always on the canvas.
a friend said," my wifes an angel" I said "your lucky mine is still alive".

Why is jeremy beadle like a clock? he has a big hand, a small hand, and a wind up face.

I hear jeremy beadle has a small dick, but on the other hand, its quite big...

Jeremy beadle and his wife are playing cards, his wife looks over and says 'thats a shit hand you've got there jeremy'.

no joke guys just looking for some info.
what does the number of posts in brackets after your phrase represent?
coz i have posted loads of jokes and it has not moved from zero

michael

You can't increase your post count by posting in the Cesspool. You only get them from posting in the other subforums.

thanks monk, it was just puzzling me thats all, quite new to this posting to forums malarky
cheers :D

how do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Anywhere else they would call it a teethbrush.

In a race between a white man and a black man through a tunnel, who would win?



The white man, because the black man has to stop and write "motherfucker" on the wall.

These are terrible.
Terribly funny.
It's also an audial joke, so pronounce all the eskimo's s's like "sh."


A hungover, toothless eskimo woman is hitchiking on the side of the road, when a guy in a pick-up pulls over and asks her where she needs to go. "I need go to the liquor s(h)tore."
"All right, I'll take you," the man replies, "but you have to give me head."
"Ok," the eskimo replies, pulling her manky self over into the passenger seat.

So they're driving down the road, with his pants unzipped and her sucking away, when she says "Ohh, you're passionate."
"Oh yeah baby, I'm passionate."
"No, no," she says more urgently, "You're passssionate."
"Fuck I'm passionate!" he exclaims.
"You're passionate, you're passionate!" she says again.
"Yeah I am!"
"No, you're passing the goddamn liquor store!"

What does an eskimo woman say when she loses her virginity?
"Gramps(h), you're crushin' my smokes(h)."

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?

A: A cock that stays up all night.


An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the fucking jar open"



Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls,
So he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice
for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old
swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.
Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes
too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you
man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than
before!
Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering
their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Brad goes back to the
lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"Jeez!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"



An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady who is also staying at the home.
One day he gets up enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her.

She agrees and suggests that when everyone else is gone for a day trip,
they will stay behind and get to it.

He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it.

She says, "I used to like it when a man went down on me."

He says he would love to and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says, "I'm sorry.
I afraid I just can't go on. It smells rotten down there."

She says, "It must be my arthritis."

He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there.
And even if you could, it wouldn't cause that horrible smell."

She says, "No, my arthritis is in my shoulder and I can't wipe my arse."

Here is a nice pedefile joke for you...

What's the best thing about getting a hand job from an 8-year old?


You look HUGE!



And, of course...

Why do women rub there eyes when they wake up in the morning?


Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Little Susy just got a brand new red ball for her birthday. She's happily playing with it on the road outside the house when suddenly a huge biker drives right over the ball, smashing it. He then stops his bike and starts laughing at Little Susy, who begins to cry and runs into her house and cries to her mom "Mom! Mom, a huge biker smashed my new red ba-all!"

Little Susy's mom runs straight out and starts yelling at the biker, but the biker doesn't wanna hear it so he pulls out a big knife and stabs Little Susy's mom right in her heart. Shocked, Little Susy runs back into her house to her dad "Dad! Dad, a huge biker just stabbed mo-om!"

Little Susy's dad grabs a baseball bat and runs out to deal with the biker, but the biker pulls out a sawn-off shotgun and blows Little Susy's dad's head off. Little Susy is panicking, what is she to do, what is she to do?! Then she notices a huge lumberjack with a big ax standing at the edge of the woods nearby. She runs over "Mr Lumberjack! Mr Lumberjack, a huge biker just stabbed by mo-om and shot my da-ad!"

The huge lumberjack takes a look around, unzips his pants, pulls out his enormous schlong and says "You know what, Little Susy? This just isn't your day."

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

The atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer, the religious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above, "Because he doesn't fucking keep bothering me all the time!"

Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.

A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."

A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The landlord runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.
About two weeks later,the man comes backto the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is agaian out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it upsticks it up his arse,and then eats it.
The landlord,having seen this,asks the man:"Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No",says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him.
"Well,what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"LOL! The best one I've read so far (and this one I can actually use :) )

I heard that one a long time ago.


Here is one I heard a long time ago too, I don't know if it was posted here.


Three guys were coming home from work in their car. Smoke started coming out of the hood of the car, so they pulled over on the next exit. The decided they needed to call so tow truck but none of them had a cell phone. They went to the nearest house and knocked on the door. A man comes out and points a shotgun at the three men. Scared, one man says "I'll do anything, don't shoot!". The man with the gun says "fine, if you want to live, you must grab a fruit or vegetable from my garden and shove it up your ass without laughing" The three guys set out to the garden looking for a good fruit or vegetable. The first man comes back with a carrot. The man with the gun says "ok, shove it up your ass". The forst guy attempted and he let out a whimper, POW, he was dead. The second guy comes out with a grape, he starts shoving up his ass and he laughs hysterically. He then gets shot in the head. Later, the forst two guys meet at the pearly gates fo heaven. THe first guy says "how could you laugh, you had grape, that's nothing!" The second guy says "well, I saw the other guy coming out of the garden with a watermelon!"

Whee.

Superman is flying about, checking out the city to see if it is crime free. He sees Wonderwoman naked on one of skyscrapers.
He thinks to himself "Hmm, I've always wanted to root her. I'll just use my light speed to go down, into her, and then fly off!".

So anyway, he does so.
Wonderwoman exclaims "Holy shit, what was that?"
And invisible man, who was on top of her, goes "I don't know, but it sure hurt my ass!".

As Basil Brush would say, "BOOM BOOM!".

mountainhare,

that ones a classic, good try though. Have you heard the version where the invisible man is licking her carpet and gets superman in the mouth?

this guys walking past the empire building, when a man with long white hair and a beard, dressed a bit like osama bin laden without the towel head.
comes plumeting down the side of the building, and just before he hit's the ground he opens his arms, and waves them softly like butterfly wings and lands.
this guy say wow, that was amazing how did you do that, easy says the white haired guy you can do it to, come to the top with me and I'll show you how, so he go'es to the top and the white haired guy give him some pointers, and they both jump off together and come plumeting down, about a hundred feet from the ground, the guy starts flaping his arms, and nothing happens and he hit the ground with a splatt.
bits of body everywhere, the white haired guy just land as he did before, just then an angel appears nearby, and says god sometimes you can be a right nasty bastard.

That´s a good one. :D

what a jerk that god is :D

What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Not being handicapped.

what do you get when you mix an octopuss with a black man..

fuck if i know, but it sure is good at picking cotton..

har har har..

the dept for highways, employs a mexican, to paint the lines in the center of the road.
on the first day, he does 6 miles, and his boss is delighted.
on the second only 3 miles, on the third only 1.5 miles.
so he calls the mexican, into his office, and says you started so well, why have you slowed down so much.
and the mexican replys, eacha time I paint, zee tin she isa getting futher away.

what do you get when you mix an octopuss with a black man..

fuck if i know, but it sure is good at picking cotton..

har har har..


good joke not heard that one before, keep them coming.

Little Susie comes home from school and tells her
dad. that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're
Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a
valentine?"

Susie's dad thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her dad asks, in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little english Jewish
girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start
to
think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
little."

"And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama,
he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place
to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
anymore."

Her dad's heart swells with pride and he looks at his
daughter with new found pride. "Susie, that's the most wonderful
thing
I've ever heard!"

"I know," Susie says. "And once that gets him out in the
open,
the army could blow the shit out of him."

CONFUCIUS SAY:


"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock."

"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet pussy."

"Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed."

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine."

I'm new but I gotta say, these jokes are awesome.

What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't get the dishes clean enough?
Beat her until she gets it right.

How do you get a nigger out of a tree?
Cut the rope

Why are there no swimming pools in Mexico?
Anyone who can swim is in Texas.

Here's a few we made up where I work:
I like my women like I like my rum: a few years old and mixed up with coke.
I like my women like I like my soda: a few months old and flat as hell.
I like my women like I like my wine: one hundred years old and locked up in a cellar.

And there's more where that came from, I'll post them as I remember them.

welcome to sciforums... nice jokes

What did the iraqi woman say to her husband? 'does my bomb look big in this'

Two iraqi blokes talking in the pub and the first one shows the other a picture and says 'this is my 1st son, he's a martyr', he then shows him another picture and says 'this is my 2nd son, he's a martyr' and then he shows him another picture and says 'this is my 3rd son, he's going to be a martyr' and the other one turns round and says 'yes they blow up so fast these days'.

GWB: there be wmds in them there hills

A woman and seven men were trapped in an isolated island after a shipwreck.
After seven days, the woman killed herself because what they had done were unspeakable..
A week later, the men decided to bury the woman because what they had done were disgusting.
Seven days passed by, the men decided to dig out the woman because what they had done were loathsome.
Another seven days were gone, the men killed themselves because what they had done were sickening to the extreme.

PS. I love this because it does not tell WHAT is disgusting part and HOW. It's up to your own disgusting imagination

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing - she's already been told twice






What does a wog do after sex?

50 years


And, my personal favourite...





What do you call an Aboriginal in a suit?

The Defendant

There are these two penises walking down the straight, and they see a gay bar. one turns and says to the other "Hey, let's go in there and get shit faced!"

Q: Why do girls fake orgasm?
A: Who cares?