How do I subscribe to my own friggin' thread?!

u dont need to
it does it automatically

just like as soon as this posts i am subscribed to this one

At the bottom of the thread. You will find a line that says subscribe to this thread.

I've been subscribed to lots of threads I know for a fact I have never been in :confused:

In the edit options do you have checked the radio button that says e-mail notification by default? If so then that is why your recieving notifications.

I have unchecked that and still recieve them. It has been unchecked since I've been here
:confused:

Go to your control panel. You will find this in there:

Subscribed Threads View All Subscribed Threads

Here you can unsubscribe to the threads you do not wish to receive an email notification from. You have to unsubscribe in your control panel, otherwise the email notifications will keep on coming.

Uncheck every single thread you are subscribed to.

Also, in your profile you can change your priorities regarding receiving email notifications on subscribed threads. Good luck...:)