Watershed

Things are so different when times becomes a factor. If time did not exist then no one would have any regrets or could never say “I wish I would have done that” or “not done that”. When you look at things retrospectively you often decide on another path that you had not taken at the moment in question. Why is that? Perhaps this is true because we are human, and that it is a fact that humans make mistakes. I often look back into the past and wish I had done so many things differently. Some times, I can’t help but to get upset about such things. Where would I be right now if I had said something different? In truth, maybe I would not be writing this. Perhaps I would be in a state of bliss with someone that I truly cared about. But did I truly care about this person? When she was “available” to me, and she would give anything in the world to be with me, I often rejected her feeling, and counteracted her actions. She felt the pain that I now feel. But I did not feel this pain. If she was what I wanted then why did I act this way? I would give almost anything in this world to go back and to change things. I would do only one thing differently. I would not take her for granted. I would spend my time or life for that matter with this person. Now when she grew away from me, and then slowly drifted down a sea of intense emotion, I find my self not being able to see myself with anyone else but this person; this person that I before took for granted. What all changed my feelings or perception for that matter towards her? This I might have a small idea about. It is maybe the fact that I like to have what I cannot get. But as I find myself, looking for a way to forget about what I had with this person, I still take time into perspective and realize that there is nothing in the world, not even death that would be able to change what has been done. Friends have tried to help me, by telling me that it was not meant to be, and that it still could be later on. And once again the factor of time comes into play, “later on”. So now I sit here listing to the most depressing songs that I can find on my computer only to evoke some emotion from my whole situation. Contemplating what I would have done differently. Wondering why I didn’t do things differently. Actually I know why I didn’t do things differently, because I felt suffocated, and because I took things for granted. That is my fatal flaw, my harmathia of sorts. If I had only realized what I was being asked, and what I was being involved in, and what I could have had, then maybe things would be different. Maybe. Maybe is a crucial part in this equation; equation of my tribulations. There are many things that bother me about this situation. One of the biggest, is that this person cared so so much for me, but maybe because she couldn’t get me, or so she thought at the moment. Like me in reverse, she did not take things for granted, she knew what she wanted, and when she had it, then things became reversed. I felt this need to be with this person more often, and then in turn suffocated her. And she took me for granted, and grew away, and apart from me. What does this all mean? I hate the fact that I cannot change anything. I hate the fact that things could have been different. I hate the fact that somewhere in some parallel universe me and this person are living a life of great moments, but however in this world things didn’t “seem” to work out. Where would we be right now? I keep asking myself this question. And for some reason the answer that might exists hurts me every time I even contemplate it. And so now I have to forever deal with the fact that this person that cared so much about me will share great moments with someone else, and will have feelings of passion and sadness and happiness, and mystery, and any other possible human emotion with someone else but me. Only became of what I said, and not what I felt, or not what I realized. The cliché fraze: You realize what you had was so good only until you’ve lost it, could not be more true for me. I keep repeating that in my head. Oh, how I feel about the fact that this special person will be sharing her emotion that I recently realized was an awesome thing with anyone but me. ANYONE, but me. Me and her are mutually exclusive. And I have to accept this fact that to the end of time or at least our time (until death). And it is not a good feeling, not a good feeling at all. And now I ask myself why I even started writing this 6 songs ago. Maybe it is my way of moving on with things. Hoping that there will be some sort of divine answer that will make me forget about this. But I know that this is not probable. I have to ultimately accept the fact that this, and when I state this, I mean some sort of time dependant relationship will never exsist. Almost like a door down a long hallway. Having had the potential to be opened and explored, however once you’ve passed the door you cannot come back to it. Only because time exists. Acting like a current in a river. It will never be. It will…It will. I am hesitant to finish those statements, but now I must. I must do it. For I am hoping that I will be able to open a new door. A door that could lead to something better. Or possibly, a door connecting the passed door. Who knows. It will never be.

Things that you have all probably already thought about and/or heard and will likely be of no help at all...

1.) Worrying about the past is not only pointless because you can't change it, but it's detrimental because it takes away from right now and causes undue stress taking away from your future as well.
2.) If anything in the past was changed, everything thing else in your past since then would have been different, you wouldn't have met/done/seen/experienced what you have since then and you wouldn't have learned the important things you learned from each of those experiences. As a result, you wouldn't be who you are right now.

I do not regret anything I have ever done, regardless of how stupid it may have been in hindsight or even at the time.

It is maybe the fact that I like to have what I cannot get.
That's something very important to look at, and you really should delve into it.
Just think, if this had never happened, you wouldn't have learned this about yourself, and you will have left the woman that you will eventually end up spending the rest of your life with. :D

here's the good news.....we DO hae the amzing power to choose......and the bad? we also have freedom to make bad choices, some we can never put right....cest la vie

You said you had fel 'suffocated'. well that was real then wasn't it? now you may feel similar feelings of suffocation being lonely?

you have the Blues. surprisingly these deep emotions enrich us.......they are making us FEEL

i am sure when you met someone else, if you feel your being suffocated, you will share that feeling....it is then up to them whether they understand or not

S.Dalal,
"life is but a lonely highway that if we are able to learn from and with this learning share our journey with a friend or two"

Some times we make mistakes, and sometimes these mistakes are massive. SO massive that they threaten to be terminal. But as often stated by the profound and mysterious a mistake is only a mistake if you fail to learn from it.
Our solitary lives are peppered with lessons [mistakes] and if one looks at these challenges as fortuitous and a chance to learn something that less challenged persons can not then you have achieved a way of looking that can only be always positve and productive.

Years ago I sufferered similar and no doubt others have stated likewise. MY heart was wrenched apart simply by my own ignorance and need to learn. Life presented a challenge that was so arduous, rigorous and 'impossible' that life was almost denied me.

My mistake seems innocent enough, as all I did was ask my first real girl friend whom I loved dearly "do you love me?" to which she relpied 'no'.....To say I was shocked and devastated would be an understatement. But as time passed I realised that the fact that she could say no was showing me the truth of unconditionality.

It showed me that my love for her was dependant on her love for me. And worst my love for myself was also.

4 years later I was married, and it wasn't until the lesson appeared again that I finally learned it. [The lesson-Separating from a loving wife and two children after 8 years of marriage]

The point that I am trying to make is that if in your heart you can find a way to thank life for giving you the opportunity to learn and mature you have achieved the greatest of successes.

Ask yourself "What is life trying to teach me? What has my love blinded me from seeing?

To learn to wish your ex-lover all the best for her future with or with out you, regardless of what she does with out conditions and in full genuine philanthropy and compassion may mean that you have lost a lover but gained the best friend you could ever have. And I can assure you the love of true friendship by far surpasses the love of a lover. For the love of friendship is eternal.
It is encumbent upon you if survival is in you mind that you find the courage and strength to accept the challenge the lesson provides. For in many ways you are most fortunate.

Best of luck

Scott [QQ]

Looking behind and seeing error is easy. Looking ahead and avoiding it is hard.

Love is what makes us stupid. If you could look at the person you believe to be so perfect from an objective point of view you would see the non-perfection. I understand where you are coming from, but I will say this. She is not the one.

With that said, we will look at this more openly. There are billions of people on the earth, roughly half are women. By looking back and concentrating on that "one", you are missing the next "one". Obviously The idea of "one true love" is created by man to give assurance of monogamy, but this same idea undermines itself. years go by and you realise the other persons imperfections. So you begin to wonder if this is really the one. There is no "one true love". So get up and look around, you might be surprised by what you see...

We men have an attribute that often gets us into horrible trouble, but occasionally it is our salvation. It is our sex drive.

When a woman becomes sad, depressed, or outright despondent, her libido quite often is suppressed. But a man's libido is difficult to suppress. Even at the worst of times, when the future appears to be insufferably bleak, painfully hopeless, and perhaps not even worth living, our glands continue to secrete hormones into our bloodstream which find their way into our central nervous system.

Our brains have an amazing ability to ignore this stimulus and pretend that it is not there, but the hormone levels keep building until nothing can prevent them from making themselves felt. At that point we become more like the lower animals. Our higher brain functions become confused and disoriented. We feel a motivation that is not quite understandable but not quite unrecognizable, a motivation that has very little correlation with the way that we have been "feeling" during the recent past. We find our attention turning to beautiful women whom we begin again to notice. Women with whom we are acquainted once again gain our notice, but as something other than friends and colleagues.

The pain of the past has not gone, it is still there. But our bodies distract us with an alternative feeling, a positive one, one that brings the promise of a form of happiness that didn't seem to matter and wasn't even worth taking seriously earlier.

What happens next cannot be predicted or planned. The best that we can do is to remember that no matter how badly we hurt, perhaps in two different, conflicting ways, that we are still civilized men who are honor bound to treat women with respect. We find ourselves attracted to a particular woman. Perhaps it's someone we know well, someone who knows that we are hurting, who cares about us, and who, by coincidence, finds us attractive. Perhaps it's a stranger and we find ourselves practicing mating rituals that we haven't used since our younger days, and finding to our delight that with the maturity we have acquired since then, the rituals are still effective. Perhaps it's someone new to our life that fate has thrown us together with, at the office, school, or other routine part of our life, and through the normal course of getting to know each other we discover a mutual attraction.

Again, none of this makes the pain go away. It just enlarges the universe of our attention so that we can feel something else besides the pain, and develop an acquaintance with another woman.

If the woman has sex with us, we find ourselves attracted even more strongly to her. We're programmed that way, we can't help it. It's on Page One of the Little Blue Handbook that all boys are issued at birth: Be careful who you sleep with because you're probably gonna fall in love with her.

Of course we were in no condition to make a rational choice about this. Hopefully the woman is a nice one who is tolerant of our abysmal emotional condition, who sees the sweet man buried beneath the pain, and is patient and caring enough to act as a healer. But even if she is just an adventurous soul who wondered whether a night with us would be enjoyable, it makes us for a brief moment feel alive again. Once we realize that it's possible to feel alive, we're on the road back to life.

You will never lose or forget this pain. It will be in your heart forever, right down there with the death of your dog when you were ten and the time you made your mother cry by doing something that she hoped you were strong enough to avoid and that look in your father's eye when he realized that you would never be like him. But your heart will continue to fill up with the memories of subsequent experiences. This one will not always be the freshest and the most painful.

My best friend seduced my first wife about 40 years ago and ran off with her. I thought I would die. I didn't think anything could heal that pain. Nothing did, but new things happened to me, new people came into my life. I've now been married to the most wonderful woman in the world for 27 years. Weeks go by that I don't give a thought to my ex. Even at a time like this when I'm forced to dredge up that memory, the pain is minimal, and I can't help thinking that I should thank her because if that hadn't happened, I would never have met Mrs. Fraggle.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I would share it if I could, but I know that this pain cannot be shared. It can only be endured, tolerated, and covered with a new layer of more pleasant feelings until one day it is simply one of many things that defines Who You Are.

Have faith in life, have faith in yourself. You will not always feel like this. I promise you that. You have my word on it. I'm your elder and I would not lie about something this important. Please trust me.

Love,
F.R.

S. Dalal:
Use paragraphs when rambling about your insignificant emotional woes.
And post them in the correct sub-forum.