Found this in another forum...had to share...it is just hillarious.

THINGS PEOPLE ACTUALLY SAID IN COURT

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't* remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

Somehow these don't surprise me. :p

My favorite is the last one.

Originally posted by Xenu
Somehow these don't surprise me. :p

My favorite is the last one.

Yeah that doctor was a smart ass huh...though that lawyer should be jailed for such stupidity.

*slams Xenu's face in concrete*...good times ehh

Oh yeahQ: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Another good one. Kind of like "What's the color of Custer's white horse?

for good measure...

*straps Sarge to a chair with his eyelids pryed open (Clockwork Orange style) and forces him to watch a back-to-back showing of Canadian Bacon and Strange Brew, along with a few episodes of SCTV. His only sustanence are a few outdated chicken pot-pies and a chunk of chewy back-bacon*

How's that for you, eh?

my fav. was the 3 kids

thoes where great!

i have some better ones in a book somewhere, ill post em if i can find it!

the autopsy ones are good, hehe, I love the sarcastic comments.

Most (if not all) of those are from the book "Anguished English" by Richard Lederer, which is probably the funniest book I've ever read. Highly recommended if you enjoy this kind of stuff. The best part is the history of the world put together from student bloopers from the 8th grade up. Here's a bit of it:


The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - corinthian, ironic, and dorc--and built the Apocalypse. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career sufferred a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

To this day my wife and I refer to moths as myths (if they're female, of course).

~Raithere

Originally posted by sargentlard
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

haha this was my favorite.. must've been funny to hear that dialogue IRL =)

ON a related subject, a couple of weeks ago, a woman was found guilty of stabbing her husband to death. He had over 100 stab wounds, and her defence was that the dog had done it. Said dog was a small terrier. Now, was it well trained, or maybe had it had special teeth implants?


(This was in England)

Some guy in Harlem was arrested over the weekend after coming into the emergency room with bites caused by a a "pit bull attack" Problem was that the bite marks were 3x the size of any pitbull.

Turns out he had a 400lbs White Siberian Tiger and a 5 foot Alligator living in his fifth floor apartment. :eek:


The bite marks were from the tiger. He finally explained the whole thing to the police only *after* they had captured the tiger and sent it off to an Ohio Zoo. Seems it was a busy White-tiger attack weekend here in the US.

yah, roy, that queer german magician dood, was also attacked.
such a pitty he lived. this world realy needs less queer german magicians.