Guys guys...

I sense trouble in my relationship. =(
My long distance (2 countries) girlfriend (18) told me yesterday she had a really great time at the party (she was really drunk and is easy when she's drunk) last night. She told me she spent 5 hours talking to this really great guy of her school, then she went with him to a bar and because some 40 year old lady was harassing him she had to pretend she was his girlfriend. If that doesn't get me pissed I don't know what does!!!! How the fuck can you say or do that to your boyfriend damn it!!! Later she explained the pretending was nothing, it was innocent, no kissing, nothing, just "look really busy". Man. I'm still angry even though we talked it out last night. She noticed I was hurt by what she told and said "Treval..I'm with you".

Anyway, we talked about things and she told me "I'm with you because I never tried a thing like this, that felt so natural, so right, that's why I know I want to be with you again. You're wonderful. But I should've thought about it when I said yes to dating before I met you. I mean, we're gonna see each other 12 times a year or less...we could keep doing this forever. 10 years of doing this, Treval?..Maybe it's just my teenage insecurity.." I told her I was doing my best to see her as often as I can, then told her "we'll take it step by step and see how it goes. She agrees.

:: What do I think about all this?
I think this means if I don't start being interesting to her right away she's gonna drop me for some other guy who obviously had more talking skills (I usually shut up for like hours, which was something she felt uncomfortable with). Though she "really loves me". Anyway. I'm seeing that from her side she's not having much faith in our relationship, and I don't know if I'm willing to throw my hard earned money on this, since she's not doing equal effort. Maybe she said the guy thing as a test, I don't know.

What do you guys think this all means?

Thanks for your attention,
any ideas are greatly appreciated.

Treval

Guys guys...

I sense trouble in my relationship. My long distance (2 countries) girlfriend (18) told me yesterday she had a really great time at the party (she was really drunk and is easy when she's drunk) last night. She told me she spent 5 hours talking to this really great guy of her school, then she went with him to a bar and because some 40 year old lady was harassing him she had to pretend she was his girlfriend. If that doesn't get me pissed I don't know what does!!!! How the fuck can you say or do that to your boyfriend damn it!!!Chill dude! Stuff like this happens all the time. Even married people sometimes do each other favors like that to help them out of a tight spot.Later she explained the pretending was nothing, it was innocent, no kissing, nothing, just "look really busy".As I say, she could be simply telling the truth. If she is and you're overreacting, you're not making a very good impression on her. A long-distance romance requires a huge amount of trust and you don't seem to have it.Man. I'm still angry even though we talked it out last night.If something this petty makes you angry, how are you going to react when something serious happens? Don't you think she's asking herself the same question? You're frightening her.She noticed I was hurt by what she told and said "Treval..I'm with you".You weren't there so you can't possibly know exactly what happened. You have to either trust her and accept her version of the story... or not. Sure, she could be lying, but like I said it is simply not that unusual a situation. After all, she didn't even have to tell you about it in the first place, did she? She could have not said anything and you would never know. This might just have been a little test she gave you, and you flunked it terribly.Anyway, we talked about things and she told me "I'm with you because I never tried a thing like this, that felt so natural, so right, that's why I know I want to be with you again. You're wonderful. But I should've thought about it when I said yes to dating before I met you. I mean, we're gonna see each other 12 times a year or less...we could keep doing this forever. 10 years of doing this, Treval?..Maybe it's just my teenage insecurity.." I told her I was doing my best to see her as often as I can, then told her "we'll take it step by step and see how it goes. She agrees. What do I think about all this?You really wanna know what I think about all this? You're not gonna like it.

I don't think you guys have a chance in hell of making this work.

Ten years of this? I'm not sure anybody could do this for ten years. This sounds like the kind of crap people had to put up with in medieval days when the men went off to war for ten years and the women had no temptation because there weren't any young men left to tempt them. And of course the men were screwing hookers right and left.

My wife and I are in our 60's and have been married for more than 25 years. For the last couple of years I had to take a job a long way from home, and we only get to see each other a few times a year. It has been really hard on us, a real strain on the marriage. We've had fights and I'm not even going to go into some of the other details here.

You kids are teenagers, full of raging hormones, full of energy, just starting out in life and ready for a bunch of fun and exciting new experiences. You have no established relationship, in fact you don't even seem to know each other very well and you've only spent--what, a few days together? You're not exactly part of each other yet, hardly "soul mates."

In spite of all that, this relationship could be the one in a million that survives because you're different from all the other teenagers in the world.

Except... apparently you're not.I think this means if I don't start being interesting to her right away she's gonna drop me for some other guy who obviously had more talking skills (I usually shut up for like hours, which was something she felt uncomfortable with).Uh... What else do you kids do besides talk? That's all there is, right? Maybe e-mail? If you don't talk to her then the relationship is pretty one-sided. What are you doing to hold up your end of the relationship? Listening is good and a lot of guys don't do enough of it, but you have to talk also.Though she "really loves me". Anyway. I'm seeing that from her side she's not having much faith in our relationship, and I don't know if I'm willing to throw my hard earned money on this, since she's not doing equal effort. Maybe she said the guy thing as a test, I don't know.She's not "doing equal effort"???? It looks to me like she's doing almost all the effort! The only thing that goes on in this relationship is talking, and you go for hours without even doing that! Some boyfriend! She could just get a puppy, they love to listen and at least they're there to sleep with.


Stop worrying about what happens when you're not together. Concentrate on what happens when you are "together," which is only virtually at that. You have to put more into this. You're not giving her much of anything to base a relationship on.

Sorry to rag on you, guy. But I think you need to get out more and have some live relationships before you try to deal with such a difficult one.

Best advice ever Fraggle...I mean it. I called her and talked about it..things are going well now. =)

You're doomed. She will find someone else, and she's lying.

If she's testing you, that's a good indicator that she's looking for either an out or further options--like dating others on the side. I'm sure she had fun with this other guy, but then felt bad about it and so made up some incredulous story about the bar-scene to try and tone it down a bit. She wanted to gauge your reaction because obviously either something more happened or she was severely tempted to make something else happen.

If your girlfriend is even remotely attractive, you need to start assuming other guys think so as well. If she's missing you on those lonely days when you're not there, you need to assume that she'll likely give in to some flirtations.

Naturally all of this appies to you as well. She needs to assume the same types of situations could occur with you. Neither one of you should be surprised when these things happen, nor should either of you have any cause to be angry. Like Fraggle said, these things happen pretty much all of the time.

Ask yourself what's the worst-case scenario in this relationship? Could you live with it? If so, no need to get worked up over this little stuff.

This isn't funny anymore. I tell her "I ignore other girls' flirts because I'm with you. I hope you can do the same for me." She: "I'm trying" She: "A guy asked me to draw a picture of him and I did, but then he winked at me goofy and asked me to draw a porn pic of him, I laughed, couldn't help myself. I just didn't know what he was saying." She playfully answered back: "oh you're just saying that to be funny ;)".

MAN WTF.

Anyway.
Treval

It's doomed, find someone closer.

It sounds like she is simply not ready to have a relationship of this type, where you don't get to spend much time together and it's almost always virtual. She clearly enjoys playing little games with men, so much that she admits it. You could try to be a little more playful in your phone calls, she might appreciate that. From what you say you're not very talkative at all. She needs company and you're not providing it.

At your age it's incredibly difficult for people to shut themselves off from that kind of thing. You're adolescents! Your hormones are raging! Evertything is new and different and exciting! There are so many fun people out there! So much fun stuff to do!

You may be an ascetic who's happy hanging out in your little "virtual basement," pouring your love into an electronic medium, waiting patiently for your next meeting with your honey, and not feeling particularly deprived or lonely. But people like that are exceedingly rare and she obviously is not one of them. She needs human contact, the sound of voices, the kind of non-verbal communications she gets from facial expressions, tone of voice, body language. And, I'm sure touching.

You simply cannot give her that. You can be really sweet and nice to her and for a while she'll get by on that, but in the long run--and not very long actually--she won't be able so suppress her need for more.

As I said already, this is so difficult to do that I don't think it's really possible. The best thing for you to do is get out more and not become one of those people who shuts himself off from the world and is content with mostly electronic contact. To turn into that when you're my age, you've already had a zillion exciting experiences, and you're jaded to a lot of what life has to offer, is one thing, but you shouldn't be like that now.

There's a thing girls often do, its called "playing you off (against someone else)"

e.g.
"oh i'm going to meet up with my old friend johnny on saturday I haven't seen him in ages! he's so cute and funny!"

I went out with a real cow who after doing this to me, denied it, whilst actually explaining the term.

the idea is to make you jealous.
don't know if this is what she's done here, or whether she is testing you, or wants to see how you'd react.

at the age of 18, having a boyfriend is part of accessorizing... how does she view your role in her life? what's her definition of boyfriend? commiting to a long distance relationship requires sacrifice and trust... and while I am sure there are exceptions to the rule, a maturity that is simply not present in most 18 year olds... heck, even commitment to a local, face-to-face relationship at 18 is not the norm... I have to agree with perplexity... what's wrong with the world offline?