ARE YOU AUSTRALIAN?

Take the Arthur Thacker quiz and see for yourself.

1. What did your ancestors do for a living?

a) They were farmers.
b) Craftsmen who made a living with their hands.
c) Robbers, rapists, pickpockets, horse-thieves and generally a right
lawless shower of bastards.

2. How do you view the cause of the Aborigines and other indigenous
folk?

a) They have a just cause and rights just like everyone else.
b) They should be given their land rights back immediately.
c) Fuck 'em. Black bastards. We were here first. It's in all the history
books cos we wrote 'em and we should know. Cheeky freeloading nigger
cunts.

3. A member of the British Royal Family is visiting your country and you
are the Prime Minister. How do you behave to show them how respectful
you are?

a) With all the proper dignity that she deserves in her position as Head
of the Commonwealth.
b) With respect, but without being too sycophantic about it. You can
show respect in lots of different ways.
c) Slap her on the back at the airport and go: "Har ya doin', Sheila?
G'day, mate. Dinkum, sport." Fart, burp, scratch your fucking arse and
behave like a complete twat all through her visit because you couldn't
give a fuck. Who the fuck is she anyway?

4. Your national cricket team is beaten by the West Indies, hammered 5-0
in a test series. How do you show grace in defeat?

a) By saying how great they must have played to beat you.
b) By telling the world you are proud to have been beaten by such a
great side.
c) Black bastards. Fixed. What can you do when the fucking umpire's a
spear-chucker as well? Cunts.

5. Your national cricket team beats the West Indies 5-0 in a test
series. How do you show grace in victory?

a) By saying you must have played brilliantly to beat one of the
greatest sides in the world.
b) By telling the world you are proud to have won and that it was closer
than the scores suggest.
c) Black bastards. Fucking shit they were. Whoever said coons could play
cricket must have been fucking drunk, mate.

6. You go to the toilet and sit down. What happens next?

a) Well, what would you expect?
b) That's a bit of a personal question.
c) You get bitten on the arse by a spider three-foot long, your balls
drop off, your arse turns green and you die within ten seconds.

7. Describe your bathroom.

a) A posh en suite affair with brass taps and trimmings, bath, toilet,
bidet, jacuzzi, the lot.
b) Just a basic bathroom and matching toilet.
c) A wooden shack the size of a broom cupboard with a tin mop bucket on
the fucking floor and flies buzzing round three-week-old turds. You
dirty smelly twat.

8. What do you watch on television in an average day?

a) Varied and of high quality - drama, comedy, documentaries, news.
b) Pretty basic stuff but a decent and varied mix.
c) Skippy, Neighbours, Home & Away, Skippy, Bluey, Skippy again,
Prisoner Cell Block fucking H, Skippy a-fucking-gain, Neighbours, Home &
bastard Away, Skippy, Skippy, Skippy and fucking Skippy.

9. Describe your country's version of football.

a) The same as football around the world.
b) A different game altogether - more like rugby and with lots of
razzamatazz and glitz. More of a show business affair than a sport.
c) A load of fucking animals in vests and tight shorts knocking bastard
lumps of each other, punching the ref, eating one another's faces and
generally waging war for an hour and a half while no cunt knows what the
fuck is going on.

10. Who is your greatest international star?

a) A Hollywood screen legend.
b) A world famous rock star.
c) Some irritating cunt with a beard and glasses who paints fucking
stupid pictures, blows his didgeri-fucking-doo and sings "I'm Jake the
Peg diddle diddle diddle dum." The big soft cunt.

11. You are a famous rock star married to a beautiful wife and with
millions of dollars to your name. You are at a loose end one day. What
do you do to occupy yourself?

a) Relax with a few tinnies of Fosters, chilling because you rarely get
much time to yourself.
b) Play a little music or watch some TV.
c) Take loads of drugs and get pissed as a fart, then accidentally
strangle yourself by hanging your sorry arse from a door with a leather
belt. While having a wank. You dirty fucking pervy cunt.

12. What is your idea of fashion or looking good?

a) Designer dressware of the highest quality.
b) Just wearing the right things for what suits you.
c) A shitty old hat with bastard corks hanging from it.

13. What do you do for a living?

a) Work hard all day, six days a week, to earn money to live in relative
comfort.
b) Work quite hard, but you have people under you to take some of the
work load.
c) Fuck all. Just sit on your arse on the beach all day eyeing up women
and drinking piss lager while catching skin cancer. You fucking bone
idle twat.

14. Why are there so many flies where you live?

a) Because the weather is so hot.
b) You don't know. You've never really noticed.
c) Because you fucking smell, you sweaty bastard. You even let the dirty
disease-spreading fuckers fly into your mouth and do nothing about it.
I've seen you on telly, you filthy shower of cunts.

15. How did your ancestors arrive in your country?

a) By boat.
b) By plane.
c) In chains.

16. You are a blonde-haired singer who's probably as bent as a nine-bob
note, you queer-arsed fuck. But you are outraged when a magazine
suggests as much. What do you do?

a) Nothing. Ignore it because you know the truth about your own
sexuality.
b) Send the magazine a stern solicitor's letter warning them not to say
such things again.
c) Sue the bastards and make a fucking big song and dance about it just
to show how straight and normal you are. You're not queer. Are you fuck,
and you'll sue any cunt who says you are. Queer? You? No fucking chance.
You've shagged Kylie Minogue you have...er...nearly. You're as straight
as fuck, you are, even though you've appeared in gay porn films and been
caught shagging blokes. You lying bent bastard.

17. Your country is a beautiful place and there are many visitors,
mainly young girls on back-packing holidays. What can they expect from
your country?

a) Beautiful scenery, amazing wildlife, wonderful climate. Everything
really.
b) Whatever they would want is here for them - to suit all needs.
c) Some fucking twisted cunt to grab them off the road in his pick-up
truck and murder them in horrific ways. And wank on their corpses. The
twat.

18. What animal is the symbol of your country?

a) A bald eagle - majestic and towering, powerful and commanding
respect.
b) A bulldog - tenacious, fearless, strong and solid.
c) Some fucking rat with a beak, flippers, a face like a mole and that
swims underwater. And lays eggs! I mean, for fuck's sake! What the
cunting hell is that supposed to be? Fucking freak.

19. You have emigrated to a foreign country and it isn't really to your
liking. What do you do?

a) Nothing. There's nothing you can do apart from make the best of the
situation and hope that it will grow on you.
b) Try to move back to your own country whilst making the effort to get
along with the place.
c) Fucking moan and bastard whinge about how shit it is compared to
where you come from, even though they booted your arse out of there and
wouldn't have you back for fuck all. The weather's crap and the beer's
warm, and there's Pakis every-fucking-where, not like in your country.
Fuck this. You wouldn't stop here if you didn't have to. You can't go
for five minutes without spouting off to some cunt about how much you
hate the place and how great your country is. Yet you have the fucking
nerve to call us "whingeing poms". You cheeky fucking upside down cunt.
Go on. Fuck off.

20. Describe the way you talk, your accent and so forth.

a) Very clear and precise. You'd say you were able to communicate pretty
easily.
b) With a hint of accent though not much. You are pretty good at
communicating.
c) Like a deaf cockney with cerebral palsy who's drunk twenty pints of
Carlsberg Special and a bottle of meths. You incoherent, slavering
slobbering twat. Imagine Stephen Hawking powered down and crossed with
Bob Hoskins...well, that's what you sound like. How the Brits ever
mutated into you shower of braindead, imbecilic cunts is beyond me. We
should have sent you to the fucking Antarctic instead. Fuckers.

21. Is your name Bruce?

a) No.
b) No.
c) Yes.

22. And what is your wife's name?

a) Not Sheila.
b) Not Sheila.
c) Sheila.

23. You have an Aborigine visiting your home. How do you make the right
impression on him?

a) Make him feel at home just as you would any visitor to your house.
b) Make an extra special effort to make him feel welcome because you
feel for the plight of their people.
c) Crack a few tinnies but make sure the cunt drinks out of an old boot
because you don't want him spreading germs. Make him some sandwiches
full of maggots and grubs because that's what the filthy fuckers eat,
and hire a copy of 'Romper Stomper' which you watch with him farting and
saying things like: "No offence, mate, but we were here first. That's
what you'll get as well if you ever get out of line."

24. Which is greater in number - your shoe size or the amount of brain
cells you have?

a) Obviously the latter.
b) Such a ludicrous question doesn't even deserve an answer.
c) Er...hang on a minute, sport, I'll just check the sole of me shoe
here...strewth, I didn't think me feet were that bladdy big.

25. You are fiercely in favour of the Royal Family and the Commonwealth.
Her Majesty the Queen is paying your country a visit. How do you best
think she should be protected?

a) She should be afforded all the necessary safety and protection that
can be given to her. She is Head of the Commonwealth after all.
b) Round-the-clock bodyguards, all of them armed and ready at a moment's
notice to spring into action regardless of their own safety.
c) It's alright. You'll protect her. You love her, you do. You've even
made a bomb that you'd like to show her and to display your affection.
Also, you've got a big knife that you borrowed from the asylum's
kitchen...yes, you'll look after her. You just want to protect her,
nothing else. You fucking fruit loop cunt.

ANSWERS:

Mainly a: You're not Australian.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, sport. You're a fully-fledged Aussie twat. With
your piss lager, your shite TV programmes and your hanging rock stars
and transvestite superstar house wives, you are a credit to the world in
the 21st century. Fuck the fact that you treat the Aboes like filthy
vermin wog scum - that doesn't matter. It's God's country where you
live. As long as you win a cricket match now and again - and do so by
cheating more often than not - you couldn't give a flying squirrel's
chuff. Fuck the world's problems, we're having a barbie on the beach.
Fucking twats.

Have something against Australians have you? Are you upset that they may have beaten you at cricket or rugby? Possibly something else? And for your information you racist fuckwit, no one refers to them as 'Aboes' or 'Abos'. They are called Australians or Aboriginal or Indigenous Australians. Dickhead.

A) Romper Stomper is a great movie. Owns American History X it does.

B) Can't take a joke, Bells?

Yes I can star. And I'm sure someone will let me know when that particular joke gets funny or even mildly amusing.

Meh ... imagine Ben Kingsley reading the C) choices, and it's well past amusing.

I only got three out of twenty-five, I'm afraid (the royalty ones and the shoe-size one) so I guess I'm not an Australian. Just a wannabe.

Mark Taylor's voice kept coming into my head here.

I think I am no Aussi either, too bad. I should have seen this coming.

Mark Taylor's voice kept coming into my head here.

Mark Taylor?

i live in Aus (unfortunately) its a bit of a hole, but you have no clue what your talking about

i do like aboriginees
i dont like any of the crap aussie tv shows that are only watched by americans
i deffinately dont like cricket or AFL
i have never worn a hat with corks in it

hows about you come to Australia, and see what we have for yourself.

Al, Americans don't watch crap Aussie TV shows. We have our own shit.

lol, so all these 'great' shows of ours such as the crocodile hunter are watched by nobody.

that would be such a shame if it was less amusing

People do refer to them as Abos, Bells. They're also called coons, darkies, nyoongars, and lots of other things. Where do you live, a university?

ive never heard of coons or nyoongars

Fenris, why do you assume that Abo is meant to cause offence.
i wouldnt mind someone calling me a lighty, a whitey, an aussie or a pom, because all of these are descriptions of me, not insults

I didn't assume anything of the sort. Bells did. Although it has more to do with what they might consider insulting than what you would. I was called a Gwai Lo on many occasions, sometimes in jest and sometimes in an attempt to be insulting. It depends entirely on the delivery.
They call themselves Nyoongars as well... it's one of the tribal groups, dominant mostly in the south west of WA. Thus if you're from the east you probably wouldn't have.
It's offensive only if coming from the mouth of a white man - much the same way as niggers can call themselves niggers but whites can't.

"I didn't assume anything of the sort. Bells did."

go me, well bells, same question to you then

so do Aboriginees get offended when you call them nyoongars? (yes, i am from the east)

Have something against Australians have you? Are you upset that they may have beaten you at cricket or rugby? Possibly something else? And for your information you racist fuckwit, no one refers to them as 'Aboes' or 'Abos'. They are called Australians or Aboriginal or Indigenous Australians. Dickhead.

Fucking typical of the Australians, isn't it? They try to blow up the Queen and manage to make a fucking half-arsed job of it. Did you see that? Some bloke waltzes up to security and actually gets past them by saying he's in the SAS. Well, it's fucking obvious. I mean the SAS... well known for pratting about with long blond hair in a T-shirt and surfer shorts. He managed to get past them whilst carrying a bomb and with an eight-inch knife strapped to his leg like Travis fucking Bickle. But they did capture him. And this led the head of security of the Australian police to announce:

"This proves just how well our security system works."

Er... no. Not quite. What it proves is that if you want to fool the Australian crack security forces, all you have to do is carry a lunchbox full of TNT, strap a kitchen knife to your leg, dress up like an extra from 'Home & Away' and tell them it's alright cos you're in the SAS. Bob's your uncle... you're in to see the visiting Head of the Commonwealth. I'm gonna try this approach during the trooping of the colour next summer. I'm gonna go along dressed as Coco the Clown, with an AK67 down my underpants and a fucking big black ball with a sparkler in the top and BOMB on the side, and when they ask me what I'm doing, I'll say: "It's alright. I'm with MI5 - Special Assignment Detail." It might fucking work. You never know.

so thats what its about leon

you hate an entire country cos a few people in it almost get your precious queen killed

nice...

so thats what its about leon

you hate an entire country cos a few people in it almost get your precious queen killed

nice...

Nah really, I just like to have you upsidedown yobbos tailwagging around me. Cool.

People do refer to them as Abos, Bells. They're also called coons, darkies, nyoongars, and lots of other things. Where do you live, a university?
Partly ;) and my Indigenous friends and students in my classes have stated on several occasions that they dislike being referred to as 'Abos', 'Coons', etc because on most occasions, the delivery of those statements has been in such a derogatory manner. Some don't have a problem with it. Some give back what they're given. This isn't a matter of political correctness, but mostly a matter of treating another human being like a human being. Just look at the way that joke was delivered. It wasn't amusing to me. If you or others find it amusing then good for you, but it wasn't the case for me. Call it a difference of opinion.

I mean lets face it, here we have an individual who is upset that some crazed Australian individual apparently tried to blow up his Queen (has anyone heard of this on the news? I know I haven't). Or that one Prime Minister dared to gently touch the Queen's back to guide her towards someone. Give me a break. :rolleyes:

Contrary to what you may believe Spears, not all Australians are as big a buffoon as you.

i live in Aus (unfortunately) its a bit of a hole, but you have no clue what your talking about

i do like aboriginees
i dont like any of the crap aussie tv shows that are only watched by americans
i deffinately dont like cricket or AFL
i have never worn a hat with corks in it

hows about you come to Australia, and see what we have for yourself.
Maybe he has tried to but was refused a visa. :D

And you're right. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He's probably one of those sad individuals who actually believe that we get around in kangaroo pouches and don't like his Queen. Well only one of those is true. :p

"upsidedown" *sighs* the Earth is a spehere, down is only by perspective
you want me to simplify that for ya leon, from where i am YOU are upside down, get it?

"yobbos" all you know of our country is what we decided to show you from tv, you have no idea what Australia is like

"tailwagging" that isnt even a word

Bells; so what your saying, is that in most cases, it will be taken as an insult if it was intended as an insult?

Err yes Alain. And in many cases I've heard other students in my lectures refer to their Indigenous counterparts in such a manner that one would not contrue as being an insult but it was taken as such because many do see it as being a derogatory statement. I've seen a couple of my Indigenous students argue amongst themselves because one referred to the other as a coon.

"Maybe he has tried to but was refused a visa."
ol, he might be posting from a detention centre, that could explain why he hates us

"And you're right. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He's probably one of those sad individuals who actually believe that we get around in kangaroo pouches and don't like his Queen. Well only one of those is true."

yeah, how sad is it, transport by kangaroo died out shortly after the wallby VS kangaroo war, there were just too few kangaroos left *shakes head*

I especially miss the big reds. They were much more comfortable and had a lot more padding. I've had to settle for a grey now. Shame really because the ride is somewhat uncomfortable and rough, resulting my the corks from my hat constantly wacking me in the eye. But she'll be right mate. ;) I'm upgrading to a red as soon as one becomes available. :D

I mean lets face it, here we have an individual who is upset that some crazed Australian individual apparently tried to blow up his Queen (has anyone heard of this on the news? I know I haven't). Or that one Prime Minister dared to gently touch the Queen's back to guide her towards someone. Give me a break. :rolleyes:

Contrary to what you may believe Spears, not all Australians are as big a buffoon as you.

I am upset indeed, oh aye! What a missed opportunity. If he'd had a bit more about him he could have blown the old bitch to kingdom fucking come. And we'd have been shut of her for good. It's just not on. These people should make more of an effort when trying to assassinate members of the Royal Family. The IRA had the right idea when they got Earl Mountbatten. Hehe. That old cunt never saw them biscuits being served up, did he?

"I say, what jolly lovely weather we're having. A perfect day for sailing around..."

BOOOOOM!

In a flash he can smell his own shit and feel the warmest glow you'll ever fucking feel. It was so quick he didn't even get the taste. Lovely stuff.

Not that I would ever condone such terrorist actions, you understand. But it strikes me that we have the perfect opportunity here to get rid of the Royals for good. They're off their guard, and what with all them IRA bombers sitting around out of prison and with fuck all to do but get old and fat... I dunno, it just makes a lot of sense.

hey youre lucky to have a grey, i have 2 greys between my parents and my 20 brothers and sisters :(

not that i even have my roo license yet

Well leo, why do you want to be rid of the mother of your nation? You're upset that she hasn't invited you over for high tea? Missed out on that OBE? I mean I can understand why Australians want to become a republic, but why does the UK? Just think though. Get rid of Elizabeth and you get Charles as her replacement.

hey youre lucky to have a grey, i have 2 greys between my parents and my 20 brothers and sisters :(

not that i even have my roo license yet
Ah so true. I can still remember riding in the roo with my 12 brothers and sisters. One of them used to fart a lot and those pouches don't vent very well :(. But the reds are so much better Alain. Ah the freedom and the ride.. she's a beaut maaaayyyyyyyytttttteeeeeeee. :D

oh, i cant wait till i get my licence, im gonna get a big red chick magnet roo mate
i may have to sell a few of my outdoor dunnies to be able to afford it, but i got plenty of em mate

hey leon, who do you like??? anyone?

Well leo, why do you want to be rid of the mother of your nation? You're upset that she hasn't invited you over for high tea? Missed out on that OBE? I mean I can understand why Australians want to become a republic, but why does the UK? Just think though. Get rid of Elizabeth and you get Charles as her replacement.

Eeeee, the Royals, eh? God love 'em.

The Aussies love 'em. Aye. They fucking must do because they voted to keep the shower of leeching bastards in that referendum they had on November 5th 1999. How nice for them. They said they are happy to keep the Queen and the Royal Family as their heads of state. And Her Majesty, in polite response, said that she was happy to remain as their loyal servant. So... the Aussies want the Queen, and the Queen wants the Aussies. Right, so fucking let them have her, then. Let's see them pay for her and her wankbag family's free holidays abroad... see if they still want her after she'd bled them dry. But no... you'd never get the Aussies to agree to that. Somehow I think that, if the question had been along the lines of whether or not they wanted to keep the Royal Family *and* stump up for their posh clothes, hunting and arrogant and adulterous behaviour, then they might have looked upon it with a slightly different slant. It's a bit like you buying a brand new car, paying the tax, putting gas in it, insurance and all the rest, and watching while your next door neighbour uses it for nothing. Then asking him if he'd like to stop using it... if he didn't mind.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, when Princess Margaret was told by her sister that they had still managed to hold onto their monachistic position as head of state for Australia, she said: "Australia? Isn't that where I drank a litre of gin and scalded my fat flabby arse climbing into a bath of boiling water?"

Transport the fucking lot of them.

What were you saying, Bells?

lol, so all these 'great' shows of ours such as the crocodile hunter are watched by nobody.

Lol indeed. Can you name another?

For a while there the New Zealand accent was pretty hot. I remember all the technology shows on Discovery and infomerials late at night were filled with New Zealand accents. I think it's because of how they say Aluminum "Alyoominum". But I think that fads over. I'm struggling and that's the only Australian or New Zealand shows. Yahoo Serious and Paul Hogan from the old days, but that's long over now.

Anyway, what's wrong with the Crocodile Hunter. He's a right chipper bloke, chock-a-block full of action and loves his little blighters. :p His show is going downhill now too. Not only is the phase almost over, but he's been so injured that he's mellowing out somewhat. You gotta hand it to the guy, though. All his money (a lot anyway) goes to his Australia Zoo. Dude loves his animals. I bet you guys loved him until he got exported over here.

Wonder what Yahoo's up to these days? Does he live in Australia or did he move to the US?

we voted no mate for the referendum matey because John Howard purposefully made it a stupid republic that we would have changed to because he wanted to keep his job as Prime minister

Maybe you should look around the politics section for awhile until you get a better grasp of events

we voted no mate for the referendum matey because John Howard purposefully made it a stupid republic that we would have changed to because he wanted to keep his job as Prime minister


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Morons.

Mark Taylor = Aussie cricket captain. Steve Waugh's predecessor.

ive never watched any crocodile hunter except for the occasional add that caught me by surprise, and hes a good guy, agreed, but he is annoying and his show appeals to lowest common denominator typa ppl

leon, no flooding, and that messege was so pointless

leon, no flooding, and that messege was so pointless

Yeah, right.

lol, so all these 'great' shows of ours such as the crocodile hunter are watched by nobody.

that would be such a shame if it was less amusing

Damn, forgot about that one.

But, by and large, us Yanks prefer our red, white and blue bullshit ... though I suppose Australian bullshit would also be red, white and blue ... we like Cops, The Swan, and Fear Factor. Basically, any show in which someone degrades themselves for our amusement.

One more thing, 'cause I've yet to get an answer out of this ... why do the Kiwis beat the shit out of everybody else in Super 12?

probably the fact that they are descended from Maori warriors, and therefore are very big and strong, thats all u need to be good at football

im more into the shows where a person degrades someone else, thats always good

Yeah, but aren't the Australians descended from convicts, and the South Africans from Boer and ANC guerillas?

Ermm leonard, it appears that you are not aware that Australians do want a republic, but not the type Howard and his cronies wanted. The public wanted a direct elect head while Howard and the Government would only allow the question to be posed in the referendum that would result in the Government appointing the head of the nation. Hence why the referendum failed.

Ermm leonard, it appears that you are not aware that Australians do want a republic, but not the type Howard and his cronies wanted. The public wanted a direct elect head while Howard and the Government would only allow the question to be posed in the referendum that would result in the Government appointing the head of the nation. Hence why the referendum failed.

How interesting.

Haven't you given up yet Bells? No matter how many times you tell them the referendum failed because we didn't want their republic, they still prefer to believe we love the queen. Probably been explained in three threads now over the last couple of years, and here we are still trying to explain it. Like talking to brick walls.
It's probably one of the smartest things Australian voters have ever done - "no thanks mate, even this bloody Queen the poms have foisted on us is better than the shit you're trying to shovel".

"Like talking to brick walls"
you shouldnt say things like that, a brick wall can learn eventually

I'm australian and not offended by this quiz. What does bother me is the same people saying this is just a joke and no big deal would be screaming bloody murder if a similar quiz asking 'are you japanese?' was made.

eg;
What do you consider a romantic evening?
A) A candlelit dinner on the beach with champagne
B) A ride around new york on a horse and carriage
C) consuming copious amounts of human feces before being urinated on by a posse of strangers and vomitting into their mouths respectively

right, thats just freaky lou

btw, i actually counted
72 swear words in leons first post, and that doesnt even include racist names. anyone else think thats a record???

Haven't you given up yet Bells? No matter how many times you tell them the referendum failed because we didn't want their republic, they still prefer to believe we love the queen. Probably been explained in three threads now over the last couple of years, and here we are still trying to explain it. Like talking to brick walls.

Lets just say I live in hope. :(

[SIZE=7][LEFT][FONT=Book Antiqua]ARE YOU AUSTRALIAN?

Take the Arthur Thacker quiz and see for yourself.

1. What did your ancestors do for a living?

a) They were farmers.
b) Craftsmen who made a living with their hands.
c) Robbers, rapists, pickpockets, horse-thieves and generally a right
lawless shower of bastards.

2. How do you view the cause of the Aborigines and other indigenous
folk?

a) They have a just cause and rights just like everyone else.
b) They should be given their land rights back immediately.
c) Fuck 'em. Black bastards. We were here first. It's in all the history
books cos we wrote 'em and we should know. Cheeky freeloading nigger
cunts.

3. A member of the British Royal Family is visiting your country and you
are the Prime Minister. How do you behave to show them how respectful
you are?

a) With all the proper dignity that she deserves in her position as Head
of the Commonwealth.
b) With respect, but without being too sycophantic about it. You can
show respect in lots of different ways.
c) Slap her on the back at the airport and go: "Har ya doin', Sheila?
G'day, mate. Dinkum, sport." Fart, burp, scratch your fucking arse and
behave like a complete twat all through her visit because you couldn't
give a fuck. Who the fuck is she anyway?

4. Your national cricket team is beaten by the West Indies, hammered 5-0
in a test series. How do you show grace in defeat?

a) By saying how great they must have played to beat you.
b) By telling the world you are proud to have been beaten by such a
great side.
c) Black bastards. Fixed. What can you do when the fucking umpire's a
spear-chucker as well? Cunts.

5. Your national cricket team beats the West Indies 5-0 in a test
series. How do you show grace in victory?

a) By saying you must have played brilliantly to beat one of the
greatest sides in the world.
b) By telling the world you are proud to have won and that it was closer
than the scores suggest.
c) Black bastards. Fucking shit they were. Whoever said coons could play
cricket must have been fucking drunk, mate.

6. You go to the toilet and sit down. What happens next?

a) Well, what would you expect?
b) That's a bit of a personal question.
c) You get bitten on the arse by a spider three-foot long, your balls
drop off, your arse turns green and you die within ten seconds.

7. Describe your bathroom.

a) A posh en suite affair with brass taps and trimmings, bath, toilet,
bidet, jacuzzi, the lot.
b) Just a basic bathroom and matching toilet.
c) A wooden shack the size of a broom cupboard with a tin mop bucket on
the fucking floor and flies buzzing round three-week-old turds. You
dirty smelly twat.

8. What do you watch on television in an average day?

a) Varied and of high quality - drama, comedy, documentaries, news.
b) Pretty basic stuff but a decent and varied mix.
c) Skippy, Neighbours, Home & Away, Skippy, Bluey, Skippy again,
Prisoner Cell Block fucking H, Skippy a-fucking-gain, Neighbours, Home &
bastard Away, Skippy, Skippy, Skippy and fucking Skippy.

9. Describe your country's version of football.

a) The same as football around the world.
b) A different game altogether - more like rugby and with lots of
razzamatazz and glitz. More of a show business affair than a sport.
c) A load of fucking animals in vests and tight shorts knocking bastard
lumps of each other, punching the ref, eating one another's faces and
generally waging war for an hour and a half while no cunt knows what the
fuck is going on.

10. Who is your greatest international star?

a) A Hollywood screen legend.
b) A world famous rock star.
c) Some irritating cunt with a beard and glasses who paints fucking
stupid pictures, blows his didgeri-fucking-doo and sings "I'm Jake the
Peg diddle diddle diddle dum." The big soft cunt.

11. You are a famous rock star married to a beautiful wife and with
millions of dollars to your name. You are at a loose end one day. What
do you do to occupy yourself?

a) Relax with a few tinnies of Fosters, chilling because you rarely get
much time to yourself.
b) Play a little music or watch some TV.
c) Take loads of drugs and get pissed as a fart, then accidentally
strangle yourself by hanging your sorry arse from a door with a leather
belt. While having a wank. You dirty fucking pervy cunt.

12. What is your idea of fashion or looking good?

a) Designer dressware of the highest quality.
b) Just wearing the right things for what suits you.
c) A shitty old hat with bastard corks hanging from it.

13. What do you do for a living?

a) Work hard all day, six days a week, to earn money to live in relative
comfort.
b) Work quite hard, but you have people under you to take some of the
work load.
c) Fuck all. Just sit on your arse on the beach all day eyeing up women
and drinking piss lager while catching skin cancer. You fucking bone
idle twat.

14. Why are there so many flies where you live?

a) Because the weather is so hot.
b) You don't know. You've never really noticed.
c) Because you fucking smell, you sweaty bastard. You even let the dirty
disease-spreading fuckers fly into your mouth and do nothing about it.
I've seen you on telly, you filthy shower of cunts.

15. How did your ancestors arrive in your country?

a) By boat.
b) By plane.
c) In chains.

16. You are a blonde-haired singer who's probably as bent as a nine-bob
note, you queer-arsed fuck. But you are outraged when a magazine
suggests as much. What do you do?

a) Nothing. Ignore it because you know the truth about your own
sexuality.
b) Send the magazine a stern solicitor's letter warning them not to say
such things again.
c) Sue the bastards and make a fucking big song and dance about it just
to show how straight and normal you are. You're not queer. Are you fuck,
and you'll sue any cunt who says you are. Queer? You? No fucking chance.
You've shagged Kylie Minogue you have...er...nearly. You're as straight
as fuck, you are, even though you've appeared in gay porn films and been
caught shagging blokes. You lying bent bastard.

17. Your country is a beautiful place and there are many visitors,
mainly young girls on back-packing holidays. What can they expect from
your country?

a) Beautiful scenery, amazing wildlife, wonderful climate. Everything
really.
b) Whatever they would want is here for them - to suit all needs.
c) Some fucking twisted cunt to grab them off the road in his pick-up
truck and murder them in horrific ways. And wank on their corpses. The
twat.

18. What animal is the symbol of your country?

a) A bald eagle - majestic and towering, powerful and commanding
respect.
b) A bulldog - tenacious, fearless, strong and solid.
c) Some fucking rat with a beak, flippers, a face like a mole and that
swims underwater. And lays eggs! I mean, for fuck's sake! What the
cunting hell is that supposed to be? Fucking freak.

19. You have emigrated to a foreign country and it isn't really to your
liking. What do you do?

a) Nothing. There's nothing you can do apart from make the best of the
situation and hope that it will grow on you.
b) Try to move back to your own country whilst making the effort to get
along with the place.
c) Fucking moan and bastard whinge about how shit it is compared to
where you come from, even though they booted your arse out of there and
wouldn't have you back for fuck all. The weather's crap and the beer's
warm, and there's Pakis every-fucking-where, not like in your country.
Fuck this. You wouldn't stop here if you didn't have to. You can't go
for five minutes without spouting off to some cunt about how much you
hate the place and how great your country is. Yet you have the fucking
nerve to call us "whingeing poms". You cheeky fucking upside down cunt.
Go on. Fuck off.

20. Describe the way you talk, your accent and so forth.

a) Very clear and precise. You'd say you were able to communicate pretty
easily.
b) With a hint of accent though not much. You are pretty good at
communicating.
c) Like a deaf cockney with cerebral palsy who's drunk twenty pints of
Carlsberg Special and a bottle of meths. You incoherent, slavering
slobbering twat. Imagine Stephen Hawking powered down and crossed with
Bob Hoskins...well, that's what you sound like. How the Brits ever
mutated into you shower of braindead, imbecilic cunts is beyond me. We
should have sent you to the fucking Antarctic instead. Fuckers.

21. Is your name Bruce?

a) No.
b) No.
c) Yes.

22. And what is your wife's name?

a) Not Sheila.
b) Not Sheila.
c) Sheila.

23. You have an Aborigine visiting your home. How do you make the right
impression on him?

a) Make him feel at home just as you would any visitor to your house.
b) Make an extra special effort to make him feel welcome because you
feel for the plight of their people.
c) Crack a few tinnies but make sure the cunt drinks out of an old boot
because you don't want him spreading germs. Make him some sandwiches
full of maggots and grubs because that's what the filthy fuckers eat,
and hire a copy of 'Romper Stomper' which you watch with him farting and
saying things like: "No offence, mate, but we were here first. That's
what you'll get as well if you ever get out of line."

24. Which is greater in number - your shoe size or the amount of brain
cells you have?

a) Obviously the latter.
b) Such a ludicrous question doesn't even deserve an answer.
c) Er...hang on a minute, sport, I'll just check the sole of me shoe
here...strewth, I didn't think me feet were that bladdy big.

25. You are fiercely in favour of the Royal Family and the Commonwealth.
Her Majesty the Queen is paying your country a visit. How do you best
think she should be protected?

a) She should be afforded all the necessary safety and protection that
can be given to her. She is Head of the Commonwealth after all.
b) Round-the-clock bodyguards, all of them armed and ready at a moment's
notice to spring into action regardless of their own safety.
c) It's alright. You'll protect her. You love her, you do. You've even
made a bomb that you'd like to show her and to display your affection.
Also, you've got a big knife that you borrowed from the asylum's
kitchen...yes, you'll look after her. You just want to protect her,
nothing else. You fucking fruit loop cunt.

ANSWERS:

Mainly a: You're not Australian.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, sport. You're a fully-fledged Aussie twat. With
your piss lager, your shite TV programmes and your hanging rock stars
and transvestite superstar house wives, you are a credit to the world in
the 21st century. Fuck the fact that you treat the Aboes like filthy
vermin wog scum - that doesn't matter. It's God's country where you
live. As long as you win a cricket match now and again - and do so by
cheating more often than not - you couldn't give a flying squirrel's
chuff. Fuck the world's problems, we're having a barbie on the beach.
Fucking twats.

This is delicious, but you obviously dont live here. You forgot to lampoon australian love of tiny-minded crassness, viciousness, predilection for nazi-like political thought and a host of other things condensed from the very worst that humanity has to offer. I predict here that australia will be the first country in the world to introduce compulsory euthanasia for "those useless old cunts and dole bludgin workin fuckups and all those other useless pricks", which will mean all but the rich.

leonardspears:
this whole forum is ozzy, the main man porfiry is an ozzy.
careful they might throw you on the barbie, cause they dont give a xxxx.