A little humour, to lighten the load.

Gardening Rule:- When weeding, the best way to distinguish between a weed and a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out easily, it was a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians:-- The Quick and the Dead.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who was the twat who offered the aphorism, "Quit while you are ahead!" ?

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which to die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks on end.

Some people are like Slinkies - - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health Nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals just dying of nothing.

Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one
ever talks about seeing UFO's the way they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather:- It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you £200, but a substantial tax cut
saves you 30p?

In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the oldest.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of them to start a campfire?

AND THE #1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:-- You read about all those terrorists
that came here legally. They hung around on expired visas, some for as
long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that with Blockbuster - - you are two
days late with that video and those people are all over you. Let's put
Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

Lol! :d

encore

Love the slinky one, any more useful thoughts to offer us?

hope you find this amusing too.

The 25 Most Inappropriate Things An Objectivist Can Say During Sex

by Jason Roth

"Before we continue, there's something I have to ask you. Will you still accept the axiom that existence exists tomorrow?"

"I appreciate the thought, but I consider it an act of self sacrifice for you to swallow."

"I believe in the complete separation of the left leg from the right."

"Now that's what I call standing up for what you believe in."

"Emotions are the mind's near-instantaneous evaluation of a perceived fact or idea as either good or bad for the individual. Hence, my wet panties."

"You sure smell better down here than the collectivists I've slept with."

"To say 'Fuck me harder' one must first know how to say the 'me'."

"No, I don't always object to you sticking your finger there. But that's a borderline case."

"So dear, shall it be the steel magnate position tonight, or the A is A? Oh, damn, we're all out of Cool Whip. So much for the A is A."

"I haven't had this much fun since I rejected the concept of God."

"There's no such thing as a collective orgasm. But let's try our best."

"Would you like me to concretize that for you?"

"Contradictions do not exist. You can't insert it there and there at the same time. Wait a second. Open up the top drawer of my nightstand."

"Good for you, you finally found my G-spot. Score one for goal-directed action."

"No, you're not my first. But you are the first man whose penis has made me understand the role of measurement omission in the act of concept formation."

"Don't you have any Tchaikovsky? Rachmaninoff is fine for 69s, but nothing beats Tchaikovsky when it comes to anal."

"What do you mean, it's 'possible' that you had an orgasm? Are you saying that you have some evidence that you had an orgasm, but not sufficient evidence?"

"No, I don't need Viagra. It's this damn non-objective pornography."

"You feel warm and fuzzy? Check your premises."

"It's time for me to teach you the difference between Platonic love and Aristotelian love."

"You selfish bitch! You greedy, selfish bitch! What? You don't like my pillow talk?"

"It doesn't really matter whether I come or not. I believe that man's tongue is an end in itself."

"Don't construe my liking that as an instance of the sanction of the victim. Now excuse me while I wipe off my face."

"There's nothing like grasping the objectivity of values. And what values they are."

"John? Who is John?"

Courtesy of http://savethehumans.com/index.shtml

Some mornings are just not worth chewing through the restraints.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're practically invulnerable.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax...; you are *not* the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But, another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian!"

Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', why the hell didn't anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'?

;)

~Raithere

weeeeeeeeeeeeee yay

a few more: ever wondered.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?