Well i have permission of a member of sciforums to tell you this tale of woe. The member, who shall remain "The .FL.... was out on a date trying to impress a young lady with his charm and wit. Apparently the date was going fine, and our hero was regailing the young lady with his massive repertoire of jokes from the " most offensive jokes" thread down in the cesspool. At one stage he says: "Whats blue,18 inches long, and does'nt fit properly?" Blank look from the girl, " A dead epilectic" .He's rolling around laughing and she erupts into floods of tears. Her brother died of an epilectic fit about six months ago. And yes, the blow job was out of the question. I know i should'nt laugh, but i could'nt help it. :D

So lets have some stories where you wished the ground would open up and swallow you up. I have one that is far worse than the Flemsters (oops)above.

One of my friend did it too with a girl : she was crying (that was because of beers, not ours!) and my friend said "don't cry, you will see your mother soon!" (it's an usual sentence used as a joke). Bad joke : she was dead one year ago and she had problems with her father... What a good way to eliminate all beer effects!!!

I was chatting a girl up, and getting on great. I asked where and what she was going to study at uni, and she replied " I'm going to Cambridge to study latin and greek " . I said "Sod that, i did 5 years of latin,that was enough for me!" and then said as the beer was kicking in nicely, "Mind you the guy who used to teach me (latin) was up his ladder cleaning his window's , fell off , and broke his neck! hahahahahahah" . There was a stony silence. She then replied, "I don't find that particually amusing, that happened to be my father"
Of course the blow job was out of the question. :D

I was walking back to my res with a friend late one night and there was a girl I roughly know walking ahead of us who's like 5'2, 170lbs, bright red hair and wears far, far, far too much make up. Anyway, I see her turn into her res so I say to my friend "Isn't it a shame when fat ugly girls try and look good and wear a disgusting amount of make up?". At which point I turned to my side and noticed the girl was still standing with the door open waiting for a friend of hers.

The blowjob was out of the quesiton long before this, though more as a personal choice.

OK mine doesn't involve blow jobs but I still blush and get stomach pains just thinking about it.

I had a female friend named R. She's a bit fat, not exactly the intellectual type so to speak, and can be a bit puerile sometimes, but I think she's really nice and special. So I tried to hook her up with my friend Joe, whom I thought would love her. I sent her an e-mail asking her if she'd be willing to meet him. She said yes, and added some witty remarks. So I decided to forward these remarks to Joe, along with my caveat that she's "she's a bit fat, not exactly the intellectual type so to speak, and can be a bit puerile sometimes," but that I thought she was really nice.

So I sent off the bloody e-mail to Joe... except it wasn't to Joe. I had accidentally hit the "reply" button instead of "forward" before I added my notes, and I sent it off to R, with the fat comments and all. As soon as I sent it, my blood went cold because it struck me that I might have sent it to R... When I checked my "Sent" box, I just about collapsed. I got an e-mail from her a few hours later saying "thanks for all the encouragement, but no thanks". I'm still dying over it -- not so much over my own embarassment, but the f*cking awful pain she must have felt. OK, I'm off to get a drink...

Lol :D Brilliant chaps . I felt myself cringe for the pair of you .Keep 'em coming!

I was on MSN and my friend's like do you know so-and-so's sister?
And I'm like yeah, she's a total slut. I heard she self-aborted by ODing. (many bad things said later I wrapped up) Yeah, I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole.

And my friend says,
well she's sitting right here.

And like a week later, I end up at a party with her. Luckily I just got drunk and incoherent as fast as I could.

:D lol I think i will like this thread a lot! Why have we been banished to the cesspool? Actually, i think this is the first time i've had a thread sent to the cesspool. :D

At my friends batuleur party one guy says "aww I think I might go before the stripper comes" then I said "why? are you scared of vaginas? haha" and then he ran away crying and one of my friends says "you idiot, he has vaginaphobia" and then there was like a 5 second silence and then we all started laughing.

That's not a true story, Doctor, and ya know it. :p There's no such thing as vaginaphobia. :rolleyes:

Yay for you, slotty! The thread has been rescued!

ha. this thread is awesome. :m:

Come on then hot sexy,let us in on one that made you cringe :D

Oh and thanks whoever put this thread back. Slotty is happy now( where do i send the money?)

like an embarassing moment? Like the time i had to read my student counsel election speech in front of 1500 people, and had to tell everyone of them, live, that i had lost it somewhere and was going to imporvise? :m:

Hey. Did somebody delete my post?

It said " :rolleyes: ". What -- somebody didn't like that?

:rolleyes:

like an embarassing moment? Like the time i had to read my student counsel election speech in front of 1500 people, and had to tell everyone of them, live, that i had lost it somewhere and was going to imporvise? :m:

With a name like yours, i would expect loads of rattling skeletons ;)

Right, this is true. It happened to a mate of mine called Dave. He had copped off with this girl and its all going great. He is invited back to her house for Sunday lunch and to meet her mummy and daddy, brothers and sisters. During the lunch he requies to use the bog (toilet). So begins Dave's sunday lunch from hell. He told me he was in the bog having a crap, finished , and flushed the bog. Horror of horrors ! he had a flaky floater! it had'nt flushed away. He had to wait untill the cistern filled up again before flushing again. Oh dear, its still floating in the bog.Again he has to wait ,and again it wont flush. He told me that after the FIFTH time, he was getting a little frantic, remember his sunday lunch is on the table getting colder surrounded by folks he has never met before. He told me that he was stressing because he had been up in the bog for about 10 mins by now and realised that his crap was not going to go away in the conventional sense. So driven by desparation and embarrassment, he drops his trousers takes off his underpants, and yes , scoops the offending turd out of the bog encased in Dave's pants. Now this has solved the floating problem, but our hero now has a handfull of turd and shitty pants. What does he do? Well you now the glass in bathroom windows is that patterned stuff, well this was Dave's downfall.Dave hurled the contents of his hand out of the window. He was now full of relief and went down the stairs satisfied of a job well done. He sat back down to finish his meal and noticed that there was a new guest at the table , who was introduced as his girlfriends big brother. All he noticed was that big brother kept just staring at him. Anyway the meal finished and like most of us guys who have to meet the folks for the first time enough is enough, so he thanks them for the meal, says goodbye to everyone there, but still notices that big bro just keeps staring at him.Dave arranges when and where to meet on his next date with his girlfriend , kisses her goodbye, turns around and walks away.He then understands what the funny looks were about.When disposing of his handfull of shitty pants, he had'nt realised that big bro had just pulled up the drive in his car, and as he had parked, the shitty pants had landed on his windscreen! He told me he never heard from the chick again. :D

I asked him what he was gonna do with the pants, he said he was going to pick them up on his way out and throw them in the bushes. Brilliant story i reckon, and honestly its true. The poor sod (Dave) is quite a shy guy, and we got this story out of him when we were all pissed :D

Hey. Did somebody delete my post?

It said " :rolleyes: ". What -- somebody didn't like that?

:rolleyes:

That exact same thing happened to me . . . I mean literally. It also said ":rolleyes:". Prolly Porf or goofyfish.

um... well there was that time last week when i got athelwulf to pretend to stalk my friend on msn, she was totally freaking out, it took 2 days before she wolud talk to me again after she found out i set it up.

it wsa hell convincing, me and another friend were feeding him info, but wat really got her was when athelwulf sent a pic or her. shes like: OMFG how did he get a pic of me

I was talking to this fat chick and her not so pretty and also slightly fat friend of hers in the queue in front of a night club. It was going quite well. I think they were entertained. Didn't really want to pick them up of course, but it is boring just to stand in a queue and do nothing. Finally managed to get in the night club and went straight to the bar to order a drink. I said to my friend something like; 'that went quite well chatting to these girls, shame they were so fat.' My friend subsequently urged me to keep my voice down. Why? well obviously they were standing right behind me.

happens a lot to me. That I am saying something not so nice about someone and they are standing right behind me...must be a new law of physics...This example was just the last time it happened.

lol. having to do with your story vslayer, one of my friends, i gave her sn to frisbinator, who is still Iming her and pretty much harassing her. i told fris that shes my twin, and she thinks fris is my cousin. and shes forced to talk to him, b/c i told her that if she didn't reply fast, he would send a virus to her computer and cause it to overheat and melt. :m:

I was having a conference with my prof when an attractive classmate walks in.
I'm sitting down, and my prof stands to give her some papers she needs. Curious (and very underslept), I look to see what papers they are.

After being unable to discern what papers they are and give up, I notice that she's wearing a capilene shirt. It takes a bit to register that I'm staring at her very attractiv breasts, and I think, "Oh shit, nice breasts."

Unfortunately, my prof has already turned to me and is talking to me, and I look over and think, "Oh shit, she totally saw me do that. Oops."

um... well there was that time last week when i got athelwulf to pretend to stalk my friend on msn, she was totally freaking out, it took 2 days before she wolud talk to me again after she found out i set it up.

it wsa hell convincing, me and another friend were feeding him info, but wat really got her was when athelwulf sent a pic or her. shes like: OMFG how did he get a pic of me

Yeah . . . That was kinda fun . . . :D

I don't think she believed me til I sent her the pic.

Hmm . . . I still have it on my hard drive . . . Hehe.

Well folks, these stories are ok, but... what i want to hear about are the incidents in your lives that were toe curling embarrassing. Ten thousand members of this forum and only a few of us have ever done anything to make ourselfs cringe? or are the members here perfect? i think not! :D
So come on, purge your souls- oh and give us all a laugh as well :o

I cut the tip of my finger off one time. Well, cut isn't exactly the right word. More like squashed. Between the chain and the sprocket of a gocart I used to have. It had a motorcycle engine jerry-rigged on to it and we'd been having problems with a loose chain. Well, we worked on it for a bit and then went out to cruise it around and there was a stretch of road where we had to push it between one country road and another. During this relatively short push, I looked down and thought to myself, "Hmm. Wonder if that chain is still loose?" Well, I reached down, hooked my finger under the chain to give it a little tug, and voom. Off went the tip of the finger. Blood started squirting out everywhere. It was actually kinda funny. Pretty damn stupid. I was a bit embarrassed about it.

I have another friend who cut his finger off damn near completely with a boot knife once. We were smashed on Everclear and orange juice and were waiting at a convenience store for a locksmith because he drunkenly broke his key off in his trunk. He had just bought a boot knife earlier that day and was playing with it. Pulling it out of the sheath and saying, "Gotta be quick. Gotta be quick." Well, with the last gotta be quick he get's this funny look on his face and holds his hand up and turns it around so that it's palm up and opens his fingers. His forefinger flopped open and was basically dangling by skin or a tendon or something. Blood spraying everywhere. And the fucking clerk wouldn't even let us use the phone, we had to scrounge up change for the payphone outside. Fuck him. He had to clean up the blood, I bet.

I guess neither incident was extremely embarrassing. But, they were funny. Good old self mutilation. Doesn't get much better.

One time when I was 14, we had this old air conditioner. On a hot summer day, I plugged it in. When I tried unplugging it, it was stuck, and then the rubber came off leaving those iron thingies in the socket. My usual way of solving such problems was using scisors. I took fully metal scisors, old-fashioned with not a bit of plastic on them, and tried getting those iron thingies out. I saw sparks flying out, and the scisors were left with deep indentations, but for some reason I was not hurt. I jumped away somehow on time.

Oh and recently (heh I'm dumb) a lamp fell, the bulb broke, so I had to unscrew the remains. Which I tried, with the lamp still being plugged in. Tingled for a minute before I realized what happened :)
Well, that done, I had to screw a bulb in. It happened at night, so I didn't succeed due to poor hand skills. On the next evening, I finally screwed in a light bulb. It takes 24 hrs for Whitewolf to screw in a lightbulb.

probably takes 24 hours for him to screw other things as well

:-p

LOL getting better folks. I had a mate in the army who slipped off the back of a tank. On the way down he cracked his head on the side of the tank knocking himself out cold. We put him in the recovery position etc. and radioed for a medic.When he arrived, he checked the guy out, and then calmly pushed a safety pin through his tongue and then through his cheek!!
"So he does'nt swallow his tongue" the madic calmly said. Fuck that. :D

Which reminds me of one of my comrades in arms. We were on a massive scheme in Germany ( An exercise, war games) and were on our tank, which was called an ARV. its a tank that carries engineers around. Anyway, we were late and trying to get to an RV point.One of my mates had earlier in the day had been talking to some yank engineers and as normal we swapped various items of kit He was very proud of the new super dooper tank overalls had had acquired.They were good quality,with loads of pockets ,pouches, and straps. We were a bit jealous to be honest. Anyway hes on the tank with the rest of us and after a while my mate was desperate for a crap and asked us to stop the tank so he could go and shit in the woods.We refused because we were trying to get to the RV fast. We told him we were'nt going to stop and that if he needed a crap he woulkd have to hang hiss ass over the side of the tank and crap as we were bombing along cross country style. So he is there grimly hanging on squating with his ass over the side, overalls round his ankles bouncing through Germany. He finished the job, stood up and started to wriggle back into his sooper dooper overalls. All of a sudden he stopped and just gave us all one of those " oh my god looks" and then started to freak. quite a bit actually. Whilst hanging his ass over the side , he had omitted to notice the hood on the sooperdoopers. When he pulled them back on the hood went on his head. Along with a freshly laid crap perched at a jaunty angle on his head. :D

almost shat myself on that one.

there was one time i was unscrewing an old filament bulb, and i held on too tight and shattered it all ovre my bed and thru my hand, had shards embedde for nearly a week, plus the shards i found in my mattress on regula occasions.

there was also the time i was having a window race a t school and i hit my head on the top of the window, smacked my nuts on the windowsill, then fell out onto the concrete drain thingy.

a few days ago i was jumping out of trees, when i failed to grab onto branch on the way down, i fell about 3 metres more than expected and landed with one leg either side of a small branch, luckily just off my nuts, but it was hard to walk the reast of the day.

a few weeks back i was taking a piss in i ditch while half-drunk, i fell forward and landed in the gorse hedge on the other side.

another time, i was on a swing at the playground trying to see if i could fly farther than my friend, i jumped too up and smackeh my head on a branch of the tree above it.

Which reminds me of one of my comrades in arms. We were on a massive scheme in Germany...


Haha, that one is the funniest I have read in here. :D

LOL! That "shit-in-the-hood" story is the funniest thing I have heard in ages!

"perched at a jaunty angle..." Hahahahahahahaha

Your welcome. What really pissed my mate off, we would'nt let him in our basher(tent) because we kept telling him we could see shit everywhere on him,( he had washed his new hat off in a huge muddy puddle by the way) and he had to throw his sooperdoopers away! well what was probably the most embarrassing thing for him was we got on the radio net to tell the entire regiment . Well he did earn his nickname for a while.. shithead :D

A female friend of mine was seeing a bit of a villan. She went with him and his rottwieller(sp) to pick up some grass. He left her in the car while he went to score or whatever. He was gone for a while, but when he came back all he could see was the car rocking on its suspension. The rottwieller had taken a bit of a fancy to her and was busy trying to shag her. She is only about 5 foot tall and against a huge rotty she had no chance. She told me she just had to sit there while it had itswicked way with her. Her b/f just stood outside the motor laughing his head off :)

slotty: when I was a student I stayed a night with my fiance at the time.
at her house, with her parents their.
during the night we did the obvious, and then fell asleep, next morning I got up to go for a piss, I looked down at my thing and my lower half was covered in blood.
so I screamed.
she jumped out of bed saw the blood all over herself and the bed then fainted, her mum and dad came into the room the mother screamed, thinking I'd murdered her daughter the father came charging at me when I came out of the bathroom, saying I'll kill you bastard. so I'm running round the room naked trying to avoid being wacked by the father a big guy.
suddenly she comes round she shouts at her dad what are you doing, things calmed down shortly after.
well during the night she had her monthy, but we both slept to deep to notice.
unfortunately we did'nt stay together much longer after.

http://www.cheesebuerger.net/images/smilie/froehlich/c040.gifhttp://www.cheesebuerger.net/images/smilie/frech/n035.gif http://www.cheesebuerger.net/images/smilie/frech/n060.gif

that is hilarious Preacher...... :D i almost wet my pants reading that one

Great one Preacher! Did she explain to her dad what had happened? Poor girl, but very funny :D

Keep 'em comming folks

I have tried to erase this one from my memory as it leaves a nasty taste in my mouth- literally. I work in an operating theatre, and one night we were sorting out a little old lady who had broken her hip. We did the op, and were transfering her back onto her bed from the operating table. Well, she is semi-concious from the drugs and has a catheter in. As we pulled her off the table, one of my co-workers got the catheter tube caught up in her bedding. As we pulled her towards me, the tension in the catheter tube became to much, and it pulled out. Just as i was saying " one,two , three, pull" Well i got to about two before a jet of old ladys piss went straight into my mouth. Its an bizzare taste and sensation :eek: and yes, everybody laughed :D

yuck, that would really suck

I done know how true this is, not being a doctor, dad told us that he once was working in a asylum as a male nurse, and there was one of the (lets say touched )fellow who had awful pains in is stomach, but being the way he was could not tell anyone what the problem was.
so the doctor decided to investigate, so dad said they had to strap this fellow down while the doctor checked his arsehole, the doc said this man has a large object lodged in his anus.
so he started to remove it, well suddenly my dad heard this long wetfart sound and looked at the doctor and he was being covered in shit. dad said he and the other staff were on the floor.

man, that is screwed

Morning.
This thread is the next funniest thing to that 'Offensive Jokes' one further along, (although that is getting a bit repetetive now).
I'm afraid I don't have any stories to regail you all with (at least none that can penetrate my memory blocks!) but I shall endevour to recall some from somewhere.

Charmed...

(P.S.= Ask Slotty about his 'innocent trip to the bar in Romford not long ago... Yates' Wine Bar should jog the chap's memory!)

charming ;)

tell us slotty, the truth must be set free :D

well, when the charmer tells everyone about his amusing incedent (you know which one Charmer ;) ) then i'll tell vslayer. It involved the police, a wrap of powder, a cell, and a fine. :(

Well folks, these stories are ok, but... what i want to hear about are the incidents in your lives that were toe curling embarrassing. Ten thousand members of this forum and only a few of us have ever done anything to make ourselfs cringe? or are the members here perfect? i think not! :D
So come on, purge your souls- oh and give us all a laugh as well :o

This is a true story. It happened 8 years ago when I was 25 and I was completely mortified. Now I can look back on it and laugh.

I was an insurance agent and one of my clients was this Indian casino (lots of those in the US) in the middle of nowhere. I was there for the employees annual enrollment and was sitting in the nightclub/bowling alley/restaurant part of the casino waiting for each employee to meet with me and sign up for their policy. At the same time, and at the table next to me, there was a monthly meeting with all of the casino big-whigs (all men and one woman).

I had these really nice dress pants on that were lined with satin; they zipped up on the side. That same morning I discovered at the casino that the zipper had broken, but I thought I could get by without a safety pin for a while. Well, of course you know what happened. I got up to go to the bathroom, walking across the dance floor to do so, not wanting to interrupt the meeting of the big-whig-Indians, and my pants fell down. And they fell down so fast (because of the satin) I was still walking before it registered what had happened, and, it gets worse, fell down flat on my face.

Now let me tell you the reason why I was going to the bathroom. I was on my period (now everyone knows analbeads is a woman) and was trying to get there quick because my tampon was leaking. Even though I had a pad on, blood was running down my leg. Oh, and the pad had 'wings'.

So picture this in your head, a young girl lying on her stomach in the middle of the dance floor, pants down, blood running down her leg, possibly injured, a bunch of older men having a meeting, but no one knowing what to do. No one could even say anything they were so shocked. I got up and gathered my stuff up and left. Oh, a few people did ask me if I was okay after I pulled my pants up!!!!! :o

Oh, this is another true story too. It happened at the same Indian casino (before my pants falling down). My husband (boyfriend at the time:)) gave me a pen, and then an hour later he took it back. I was pissed and said, "Give it back you Indian-giver!!!!" The funny thing is is that I NEVER used to say Indian-giver, and of course the one time I say it, it is in the Indian casino!!!! I had to leave for about an hour I was so embarrased :)

man that is funny, you really should have got a pin

Anal, fantastic! I will award that a Cringe factor of 5. :D


I hope you got the sale's ;)

Oh, this is another true story too. It happened at the same Indian casino (before my pants falling down). My husband (boyfriend at the time:)) gave me a pen, and then an hour later he took it back. I was pissed and said, "Give it back you Indian-giver!!!!" The funny thing is is that I NEVER used to say Indian-giver, and of course the one time I say it, it is in the Indian casino!!!! I had to leave for about an hour I was so embarrased :)

LOL, this is the sort of thing i want to here about on this thread. that is so funny :D

Anal, fantastic! I will award that a Cringe factor of 5. :D


I hope you got the sale's ;)

Is that on a scale of 1 to 10? :)

Anal, fantastic! I will award that a Cringe factor of 5. :D


I hope you got the sale's ;)

Actually, yes, I got quite a few sales. I sent the other insurance agent back there the next day...and they bought quite a few policies....I think they felt sorry for me :D

One memory that still haunts me to this day... it prob won't sound that bad but it was mentally very painful.

I was dining with some of the senior teachers at this formal dinner. I got really drunk and instead of drinking from my glass just took a swig straight from the bottle. Everyone just stared and must have thought I was some kind of yob! Oh the harrowing pain.

Is that on a scale of 1 to 10? :)


Its the highest score in my book. You described the scene so well i cringed as i read it :D

One memory that still haunts me to this day... it prob won't sound that bad but it was mentally very painful.

I was dining with some of the senior teachers at this formal dinner. I got really drunk and instead of drinking from my glass just took a swig straight from the bottle. Everyone just stared and must have thought I was some kind of yob! Oh the harrowing pain.

Yes, your a yobbo :D

This isn't really cringe worthy, it's not mine, but it's hilarious. I heard it on NPR today.

When this guy was a kid (like 8), he loved Christmas. He'd get all excited and stay up late, waiting for Santa Claus, or being unable to sleep or whatever.

His father was a highway patrolman, and worked late hours. So the father comes home at midnight, and has 5 hours to put a bike together for his son, when he sees the boy is still up, at the window. Not being very mechanically inclined, and wanting to put the bike together, he draws his pistol and fires a shot in the air.

He then enters the house and tells his son, "Santa was on the roof, but I shot him. YOu can go to bed now."

Cringe worthy or what, once waiting in the checkout at the co'op, I coughed and farted in unison, everybody laughed and then vacated, like there was a bomb scare. ( the smell was awful)
I left what, I had gone in for in the first place, with a very red face, and rather quickly, and it was nearly a month, before I plucked up courage to go back in.
and then there was whispering and smiles.

2 days ago, i was at the council dirt pit down the road, throwing clods with a friend, i jumped out of the way of one of his clods and ripped my pants open right don the seam :p

What are clods vslayer?

Well over here in the UK a "clod" is a handfull of dirt , soil, bit of grass and roots mixed up sort of thing. It can also mean a stupid or clumsy person. I hope you had to pass a lot of people vslayer with your ass hanging out ;)

I am starting to get a bit paranoid. Is it only the few posters on this thread and myself who have the balls to admit when bits of their life have turned to crap around them, when they have wished for the ground to swallow them? Come on people! :eek:

Oh alright, me again then.

Well, this particular incedent has probably got a few of my friends laughing behind my back.
My local pub were having a pimps and whores night ( this means all the locals dress up as pimps and hookers-its not a charity thing for hard up pimps and whores). So, this involves dressing up. Now i stupidly left it to my girlfriend to arrange my outfit. Myself and my friends all went dressed as hookers( i have great legs :D ) Well, she trots down to the local charity shop and gets a load of clothes etc. We went doen the pub a few days before the event and got pissed and silly as you do on a Friday night, and staggered back to her place. A few more drinks and a spliff later, she hassles me to try on the stuff she had got for me.
There is a knock at the door. I answered it and have a conversation with a couple of mates. After a while, and through the haze of beer and very high quality grass, it suddenly dawns on me why they are looking at me in a strange way. I am dressed in a blonde wig, full make up, a very fetching bright pink minidress, false tits, and fishnet stockings. It dawns on me that this is not your normal chaps attire and this is the reason for there funny looks. " shit! this is not what it seems guys" says i ." yeh, whatever slotty, we understand" they said. " No, honest! theres a pimps and whores night on and i'm just trying my gear on"
" Yeh, like we said, whatever, see you later mate"
So, as i go about my life, there are two
of my friends telling everybody "hey, you know that slotty?"
"Yeh"
"Well, he's a closet transvestite, honest, me and dave saw it with our own eyes"
Bugger. :D

This is one of the best threads ive read... anyway...
I used to cook in a little restaurant next to a startbucks and there was this really beautiful girl that worked in there. She was about my age and we would always flirt a bit when we would see each other, so one day I was chattin' to her and ordering my self a cup a coffee, I asked her what she was doing that night, she say "nothing". Then she tells me the price for the coffee, a dollar and about fifty something cents. So I give her a crisp dollar bill and reach into my pocket for some change. I just happened to have the exact amount, so she reaches her cute little hand out and I put in the change. Then I look down and realize that along with the fifty five cents I gave her a very curly, very long black pubic hair. I look up at her and she just stares at the pubic hair, MY pubic hair, curled up in her hand. She gave me a look like I had just shit in her cheerios. :eek:

well slotty, now we all know :p

btw, a clod is a hard clump of dirt, at certain times of the year, dry dirt is just right to be broken up into fist size clumps and thrown at each other in clod wars, your team loses when everyone surrenders or bleeds

V, i looked so gorgeous, i would of shagged me :D . The bizzare thing was that all night at the event, guys just kept groping my tits!?. I had to keep telling them that " hey, i'm a guy in a dress, and these are not real tits you dickheads" Strange.
Oscar, thats fucking funny :D

This is one of the best threads ive read... anyway...
I used to cook in a little restaurant next to a startbucks and there was this really beautiful girl that worked in there. She was about my age and we would always flirt a bit when we would see each other, so one day I was chattin' to her and ordering my self a cup a coffee, I asked her what she was doing that night, she say "nothing". Then she tells me the price for the coffee, a dollar and about fifty something cents. So I give her a crisp dollar bill and reach into my pocket for some change. I just happened to have the exact amount, so she reaches her cute little hand out and I put in the change. Then I look down and realize that along with the fifty five cents I gave her a very curly, very long black pubic hair. I look up at her and she just stares at the pubic hair, MY pubic hair, curled up in her hand. She gave me a look like I had just shit in her cheerios. :eek:

Oh my god is that funny :D :eek:

while reading oscar story, it reminded me of this.
some time ago working, thought the holidays in a factory.
we had this quality inspector, who would walk around with his wrist, gripped by is other hand, behind his back like a sargent major, and he would wave his fingers of the loose hand every so often, when he stoped to talk.
one day while he was talking, this guy walked up behind him, unzipped himself and placed his cock in his hand, he started to fondle it, while still talking, after a time a crowd of us had gathered to watch.
on noticing the crowd, he said what you all looking at, and turned round to see this guy, then it dawned on him, what he'd been doing.
he when bright red, and stormed out and when home, it was over a month, before we saw him again.
poor sod, funny though.

Excellent :D

Keep 'em coming!

This happened just last night, it's a classic!
My boyfriend and I were laying on his couch, kind of in a spooning position. We were just watching tv with his grandmother, nothing out of the ordinary. Then I felt his belt pressing against my back, which became a bit uncomfortable. So I asked him to take off his belt, it's hurting me. Then, as loud as he could, he said,"I'm not wearing a belt!" His grandmother, a frail little 70 year old, started laughing and choked on a piece of ice in her drink. After a few minutes, everyone just laughed and it took a while for the giggling to quiet down.

This happened to a mate of mine. Now in the UK we have a hand sign for a wanker, its a loosely clenched fist that is shaken up and down as to immitate masturbating. OK?. Are we all familiar the V sign ? and we all know flipping the middle finger, yes?. Lets get going then.

My mate is driving down the M25 around London ( big ringroad type freeway to you yanks) and is going about 80mph in the middle lane. After a while he notices a car next to him in the fast lane keeping the same speed. He gets a feeling that the other cars passenger is staring at him ,so gives him a glance. The passenger stares at my mate and gives him the wanker sign. Now this winds my mate right up, so he replies with the same sign. the passenger then gives the sign back. My mate replies with a load of wanker, V, and finger signs, and is mouthing loads and loads of abuse to the passenger. He told me he was gestering the guy in the other car to pull over and have a fight all the while with wanker, V, and finger signs.
The other car then pulls away and then pulls in front of my mate and to his horror a sign flips up in the back of the other car that says "POLICE, PULL OVER!" so my mate is thinking " oh fuck" . The "passenger" gets out of the car and puts on his hat and comes to my mate, and taps on the window.
Policeman; "Good morning sir, are you in the habit of making offensive gestures to police officers?"
My mate; "No, not normally"
Policeman; "Then why were you?"
My mate; " Well you started it by calling me a wanker!"
Policeman; "Hows that then sir?"
My mate; "Well, you started giving me the wanker sign, and i'm not going to take that off anybody am i?"
Policeman: "Wanker sign sir? "
My mate; "Yeh, you know," showing the policeman the hand gesture.


Policeman; " No sir, i was just trying to tell you to put your seatbelt on" :D


they laughed and let him go about his day :D I forgot to mention it was a policecar with no markings on it .

hehe, that wolud be funny to see

I had somebody do the "wanker" sign to me, but it wasn't a police officer. I wish it would have been. The guy actually ejaculated (it shot in the air) while he was driving and looking at me! I was totally digusted, yet amazed that he could do all of those things at the same time. Talk about multi-tasking!

Lol . :D that has reminded me of another one! :eek:

But its late, i'll tell you folks about it later. :m:

This is not very bad, but it made me feel horrible.

I was over at a friends house having our monthly LAN and we started talking. I ended up making a mother joke, like we always do out of fun. Well I didnt know his mother died of cancer and I said "Your mother died of cancer" and he says "Shes dead." This wouldnt have been bad if I didnt say "I guess thats why she didnt move around alot last night." He was pissed.

I prefer "oh, so thats why she stunk so bad".
I wish it was me who I heard say that but it was a friend of mine who got the old "my mother's dead" response after telling a dude at a bar that he boned his mother.
Sure shut that motherless fuck up.

This is not very bad, but it made me feel horrible.

I was over at a friends house having our monthly LAN and we started talking. I ended up making a mother joke, like we always do out of fun. Well I didnt know his mother died of cancer and I said "Your mother died of cancer" and he says "Shes dead." This wouldnt have been bad if I didnt say "I guess thats why she didnt move around alot last night." He was pissed.


I should'nt laugh - but i did, quite a lot :D Cringe factor 5 . Well done!

This happened and keeps on happening to my mate Paul. He works as a mental nurse in Bristol. Under his charge he had a number of young nutters. He told me that one of the young males ( who was mad/ nuts ) had discovered his penis, and that it felt good sometimes. The problem was that he did'nt masturbate to relieve the said gland, he just used to jump on females in the hospital all the time, until he orgasmed. So the powers that be had a meeting and my mate Paul got the short straw and had to teach the nutter that when he got his funny feelings then he had to stop whatever and have a wank. This seemed to work ok for a while, until Paul was out and about with his girlfriend in Bristol one Saturday afternoon in a busy shopping centre. Our nutter sees Paul across the busy mall, and starts shouting out his name really loud and waving at him frantically, really drawing attention to himself. The problem was that with the other hand, he had droped his trousers and pants and was wanking furiously at the same time. He does this every time he ever see's Paul out and about. :D

so pauls a well fancied lad, well he'll just have to take himself in hand, and sort it out.

I originally I was not going to write on this thread, but your story reminded me of a couple of instants regarding wanking.
the first, when I, was in my late teens, I was babysitting with my then boyfriend, during the course of the evening, we curled up on the rug, in front of the fire, as you do and got down to it both of us totally naked.
suddenly I spied something in the door way, I sat up with a start and said whose there
my boyfriend ran to the door way, and caught the man of the house trousers round his ankles wanking( well red handed excuse the pun), needless to say he was embarrassed, and was terrified I'd tell is wife, but to be honest it gave me a hell of an ego boost. I still see him from time to time, whilst out shopping, he always diverts his eyes, but it give me a kick each time.

and the second, I was with my fiance, on a trip to london and near carnaby st, my fiance need the gents, so he when down for a pee, he said, that this toilet had frosted glass panel doors, and whilst he was standing by the urinal and a man came running down, ran straight into one of the cubicals, pressed his face and body up against the glass and started to wank, this must of unnerved my fiance as he said, it looked like he was looking straight at him.
well I roared with laughter and when then man came up, I looked at him and laughed even louder, he looked as if he'd had an heart attack he was bright red, and sweaty.
so now when I'm with my fiance, and I see a man with high blood pressure, I say thats not him is it, to which I get a prompt shut up.

The second story... I couldnt stop laughing.

a little song for all to enjoy
http://mrbongo.uh-hosting.co.uk/50ways/

Me too! :D

Okay Slotty....here's another humiliating period one for all to enjoy :o .

Does everyone remember the scene from the movie "Something about Mary" where Ben Stiller's character wacks off, but he can't figure out where his semen went?

Well, one time I was in the bathroom at work (this was about 10 years ago thank god) and when I went to change my tampon a blood clot came out (this is common for a lot of women for all you guys reading this) but I couldn't figure out where it went. So I went about my day and all of a sudden one of my co-workers exclaims "oh my God!!!! I think you have a slug on your leg!!!!" (I was working in Seattle at the time, where slugs are quite common although they are a different color). I looked down and sure enough there it was- stuck to the bottom of my pant-leg. :eek:

Oh god is that a funny one. thanks for sharing your embarassment anal. :D
Yet another cringe factor 5 for you :m:

One i heard about. This is when mobile phones were pretty rare and very expensive. Some guy is on a train shouting down the phone yuppy style "Buy,buy! sell sell!" and basically irritating the shit out of all the other commuters. Anyway after a while the train guard comes up and says " I notice that you've got a mobile phone, and was wondering if you could possibly phone for an ambulance to meet us at the next station, as a passenger has been taken quite seriously ill and needs urgent attention"
Well the whole area around him are listerning in on this, but our yuppy friend had to tell the guard " Its not a real phone" in a very quite voice. "YOU WHAT SIR, ITS NOT A REAL PHONE ITS JUST A TOY" said the guard in rather a loud voice. Now i reckon our yuppy friend may have gone an astonishing shade of crimson red. Silly twat. :D

My girlfriend just reminded me about this the other night. Oh, Man this was embarrassing!

This happened at the very beginning of our relationship. Me and my current girl friend used to work together, we both really liked each other. We would always flirt and take our breaks together and stuff like that. So, we finally hooked up together and I started staying nights at her house. We would stay up all night talking and cuddling in bed ect.. So, one time in the middle of the night I get up to take a wizz, this was probably the second time I stayed at her house. So I wrap myself up in her blanket and go down the hall to the bathroom. I turn on the light and realize I have her favorite blanket on, one of those really fuzzy ones. I open the front of the blanket and start to do my business. Then the blanket starts to slip off my back a lil' bit so try to pull it back up again and SHIT I just pissed all over her favorite fucking blanket!!! :eek: So, I finnish pissing and look around for a bit. There is absolutely nothing I can do to hide this! So I walk into the room "Hey... uhh... I, uh... just... pissed on your blanket! :( " I was a little bit relieved when she couldn't stop laughing at me. Then she said "thats all right, you have to sleep in it!" :eek:

I thought I couldn't imagine anything worse than being wet when you're trying to sleep. Let alone being wet with urine.:(

i wish i was wet when i was sleeping, water is a very bad conducter of heat so i might wake up not covered in heat.

as for using a blanket, why wolud you? i just sleep in my trenchcoat if im away from home, the vomit doesnt stick to it :p

Okay Slotty....here's another humiliating period one for all to enjoy :o .

Does everyone remember the scene from the movie "Something about Mary" where Ben Stiller's character wacks off, but he can't figure out where his semen went?

Well, one time I was in the bathroom at work (this was about 10 years ago thank god) and when I went to change my tampon a blood clot came out (this is common for a lot of women for all you guys reading this) but I couldn't figure out where it went. So I went about my day and all of a sudden one of my co-workers exclaims "oh my God!!!! I think you have a slug on your leg!!!!" (I was working in Seattle at the time, where slugs are quite common although they are a different color). I looked down and sure enough there it was- stuck to the bottom of my pant-leg. :eek:

I told this one to my mates ( guys and girls) in the pub last night. They howled with laughter ;)

I told this one to my mates ( guys and girls) in the pub last night. They howled with laughter ;)

Hehe :D .....It is indeed a humiliating one. I have lots of wierd shit like that happen to me. Fortunately a few days later I can always look back and laugh about it....not everyone has that ability :)

Same here Anal ( how wierd is it to communicate with someone called Anal lol ) I just find myself lurching from one situation to another most days, or my friends do.But we all have a laugh about life. In fact today i had to go to my doctors, and as normal there is nowhere to park. Just across the road is a church- with a car park! so in i go and as i was walking across the road, a woman from the church who had spoted me parking, said " Excuse me, this is a church car park" i said " sorry, i'll only be 2 mins" Then the great Bill Hicks line arrived in my head, and i said " But your a christian, forgive me" Her face was a picture :D

Slotty:

Too funny. It's especially funny since I'm a recovering Catholic :D

I'll bet you have some hilarious stories about working in the medical field. My husband is a Surgical Technologist in the OR with a lot of major cases and comes home everyday with some story. None of them are "oops"-worthy yet though. I'm waiting for some REALLY good stuff. ;)

BTW: You can always call me "beads" instead of "anal"...although it's not as fun......

OK, medical stuff. I was working with a gasser (anesthertist) one morning, and she was in a real bad mood. I asked her why and she told me that she is no longer surprised by anything the human race gets up too. I asked why the mood and she told me that at 3 in the morning ( it was about 8 when we were talking) she was dragged out of her bed to an emergency operation. Some guy had shoved his mobile phone up his ass and could'nt get it out. He had to have an op to remove it. This simply put means your legs in stirrups, a thing called a speculum to open up your ass,and a pair of pliers ( called forceps) to gently pull it out aided by a lot of lubrication. Anyway as the surgeon is doing the biz, the phone re-aquired its signal and began to ring. The gassertold me the surgeon calmly answered it with " He's a little busy right now, we'll get him to call you back" :D That just for you Anal ;)

Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just howled out loud....... I guess that could possibly be a cringe factor of 5 for that guy....although he probably couldn't be that modest if he knowingly shoved his cell phone up his ass without worrying that it might get stuck and that he would have to seek medical care!:)

One that i was involved in myself, i was working a late shift and A&E phoned the theatres to tell us we would be recieving a patient. Muggings here had to go and book him into theatres ( paperwork etc) he was still concious at this time by the way. He was wearing " street" clothes , really baggy trousers etc and was laid on the bed groaning away. Problem was that he was facing away from me and had to turn over to check some paperwork with me. When he was howling in pain for all he was worth, i was reading the notes that A&E sent down with him. I was trying not to laugh. The silly sod had inserted a coathanger up his ass, and it was stuck.
Well we get him into theatre and after a while get it out. I had to tell the surgeon the reason it would'nt slide out easy was because it was a girls coathanger, the ones with the hook bit for clothing loops, anyway they had hooked his bowel up a bit. But i digress. So when he was in recovery we all kept walking past and smirking ( very unprofessional i know, but who was he gonna tell ;) ) he was crimson red with shame. What amazed us was that he had walked to the hospital, sat in A&E for ages and to cap it all had sawed some of the coathanger off. There was still 6 inches of it hanging out of his ass. No wonder he had baggy trousers on. :eek:

Ouch....how was he able to sit? And he had to have waddled the whole way to the hospital like a penguin. He must have just had an "ass of steel"

Well slotty....here is another tale of woe that involves blood....but not my period for a change :D I was at this New Years Eve party about 10 years ago (those were the years that LOTS of embarrassing things happened to me). It was a fancy cocktail party (not my style...but I was there with an ex) and everything in the woman's house was done in off-white or really light colors. My ex dropped his glass of wine on the table and it shattered all over the place (and it was red wine all over her off-white carpet). I went to go help him pick up the glass and cut my finger. It was just a tiny cut....but it started bleeding like a son-of-a-bitch all over the place (which consequently included her carpet). I bleed through 4 bandages and finally it stopped. But the most embarrassing part was I had about 5 people come up to me and say, "Are you a hemophiliac?" And all the snobby people were whispering about the hemophiliac girl at the party and her ungraceful boyfriend :D

I have had a woman with 200 odd large paperclips in her pussy, a guy with a huge, and i mean huge carrot up his ass, several guys with various lengths, and thickness of wire pushed down their dicks ( 8 foot one of them!!) my couterpart at work had an old man in with a thermos flask up his ass! ( he put it up there to cure his constipation, so he said) , various pens shoved down dicks , people circumcising themselves and giving up about halfway through, a 12 inch wooden ruler in a vagina- sideways :eek:

The list goes on and on. Oh i can have some fun at work :D

Well slotty....here is another tale of woe that involves blood....but not my period for a change :D I was at this New Years Eve party about 10 years ago (those were the years that LOTS of embarrassing things happened to me). It was a fancy cocktail party (not my style...but I was there with an ex) and everything in the woman's house was done in off-white or really light colors. My ex dropped his glass of wine on the table and it shattered all over the place (and it was red wine all over her off-white carpet). I went to go help him pick up the glass and cut my finger. It was just a tiny cut....but it started bleeding like a son-of-a-bitch all over the place (which consequently included her carpet). I bleed through 4 bandages and finally it stopped. But the most embarrassing part was I had about 5 people come up to me and say, "Are you a hemophiliac?" And all the snobby people were whispering about the hemophiliac girl at the party and her ungraceful boyfriend :D
LOL fuck'em. Lets just hope it stained the carpet eh ;)

200 paper clips? Why paper clips? And why so many I wonder? Ouch :eek:

I'll bet your shift goes by fast :D

Well speaking of blood. Friends of mine went out, got pissed, went home and started to get all passionate. Picture the scene, hot sticky summer night, rolling around the bed all sweaty and sticky. Then its time for the post shag ciggie and drink, and of course toilet paper for the mopping up. She says to him " God i'm so sweaty" " Yeh, me to " he says. Well the reason they are both so " sweaty" is because when they arrived home and went to the bedroom, the main light when he turned it on, the bulb blew. So they were rolling around in the dark. She hears my mate screaming in the bathroom, runs into the bathroom and starts screaming as well. When the light blew the bulb shattered, and they were having a shag on top of all the broken glass. Both were covered in cuts and blood all over themselves.They were so pissed and stoned they just did'nt notice. Silly sods- but funny, oh and no scars ;)

200 paper clips? Why paper clips? And why so many I wonder? Ouch :eek:

I'll bet your shift goes by fast :D

Well all we could come up with was that she put them up there and used a magnet to try and hit the G-spot ? Or she was just barking mad :D

and thickness of wire pushed down their dicks ( 8 foot one of them!!)

And what about this one? :eek: 8 feet? Man there are really like some fucked up people out there and it's nice to know they're not all in the Detroit area :D

And what about this one? :eek: 8 feet? Man there are really like some fucked up people out there and it's nice to know they're not all in the Detroit area :D

Yes why indeed? maybe he needed a splint for it . It took about 3 hours to get it all out. I wonder what went through his mind when he had finished whatever he was doing, and went " right, thats me sorted, now just pull it out gently...oops.. SHIT...oh fuck...oh no! i'm scared, oh god no! hospital..the shame...think, must think of a story..... nooooooo :D

okay, this only rates a 2.5 on the cringe scale compared to the rest of you lot, but i feel i need to make a contribution.....

At uni lunch on day, a good looking guy was looking at my friend kinda funny, and she's like, i think i know him, but dunno where from. I'm like "i'll go find out", but we got distracted and whatever. Later on, we found out he was in a class with us, and i'm like, i'll go find out, she's like, go on.
So i called out to him, and asked him what his name was. When he asked why, i pointed to my friend and said "she wants to know". She hit me, and he laughed and went on.
A week later we turned up for the same class again, and there he was. I nudged her and pointed to him, and she's like, "Go on and find out who he is then, but don't look at me". So i called out to him, and said "I'll give you my name if you give me yours" (nastiest pick up line ever) So he intro'd himself, and i told him my name. This would have all been ok, if another friend hadn't wrote wetwetwet@wantingyou.com and given it to him, or yet another friend giving him all my contact details, or the wisecracks my friends aimed at him throughout the rest of the term. We found out a few weeks later that a good friend of ours worked with him, which explains how my first friend knew him.
Every time he sees me now he avoids me, personally i don't blame him. I am currently living in fear my coworkers find out, cause a few of them used to work with him :-S

alright, a few weeks ago i was at a party, but i needed to call my friend and tell him to bring some booze extra booze with him, so at the house i am at, you can only get reception on the fence, so i climp up the fence, make my call, then once im finished i put my phone back in my procket, and fall of the fence into the puddle of beer we tipped out before going into the middle of town(the cops where everywhere and were all underage), so then im like oh, fuck, so i climb back up the fence to get back on the house side, and i jump down into the bush where we all were pissing for the last 2 hours. it really sucked

and also, not quite oops, but still painful and slightly humiliating:

http://www.geocities.com/scir_slayer

alright, a few weeks ago i was at a party, but i needed to call my friend and tell him to bring some booze extra booze with him, so at the house i am at, you can only get reception on the fence, so i climp up the fence, make my call, then once im finished i put my phone back in my procket, and fall of the fence into the puddle of beer we tipped out before going into the middle of town(the cops where everywhere and were all underage), so then im like oh, fuck, so i climb back up the fence to get back on the house side, and i jump down into the bush where we all were pissing for the last 2 hours. it really sucked

LOL :D

and also, not quite oops, but still painful and slightly humiliating:

http://www.geocities.com/scir_slayer

I couldn't see anything :(

alright, a few weeks ago i was at a party, but i needed to call my friend and tell him to bring some booze extra booze with him, so at the house i am at, you can only get reception on the fence, so i climp up the fence, make my call, then once im finished i put my phone back in my procket, and fall of the fence into the puddle of beer we tipped out before going into the middle of town(the cops where everywhere and were all underage), so then im like oh, fuck, so i climb back up the fence to get back on the house side, and i jump down into the bush where we all were pissing for the last 2 hours. it really sucked

Good one. :)

I have a good piss story that involves my husband. We were at a hockey game and had quite a few beers. He didn't have to piss while we were at the hockey game or the whole way back to the car. We finally got to the car and got in- it was parked in the basement of this parking garage with only one outlet which meant there was a huge traffic jam. At that point my husband's bladder caught up with him but there was no where to piss without someone around. He had an old plastic 1 liter coke bottle on the floor of the car and decided to cut part of the top off so he could just go in that. What he didn't realize though, was that he had much more than 1 liter of piss in his bladder :D It was so funny I could barely contain myself without wetting my own pants! It totally overfilled the bottle and went all over his pants and the seat of the car. And the worst part was is that we had to go over to my friend's house for dinner after that who he had never met. I still laugh about it...even while I'm typing this.

you haev to click the link and download the video

There's no link there to click on....all I see is a blank screen with advertisements on the right hand side...

i dont see any ads at all, maybe there is a popup on the server that you are looknig at instead, i will try to link to the file but from past experience this doesnt work too often

http://www.geocities.com/scir_slayer/SV400009.AVI

That didn't work either so I guess I will have to use my imagination:)

Good one. :)

I have a good piss story that involves my husband. We were at a hockey game and had quite a few beers. He didn't have to piss while we were at the hockey game or the whole way back to the car. We finally got to the car and got in- it was parked in the basement of this parking garage with only one outlet which meant there was a huge traffic jam. At that point my husband's bladder caught up with him but there was no where to piss without someone around. He had an old plastic 1 liter coke bottle on the floor of the car and decided to cut part of the top off so he could just go in that. What he didn't realize though, was that he had much more than 1 liter of piss in his bladder :D It was so funny I could barely contain myself without wetting my own pants! It totally overfilled the bottle and went all over his pants and the seat of the car. And the worst part was is that we had to go over to my friend's house for dinner after that who he had never met. I still laugh about it...even while I'm typing this.


LOL, Brilliant, what did you tell your dinner guests? i mean turning up dressed for dinner covered in piss is a bit of a social faux pas here in England. It puts one off the soup course :D Come on spill the beans, what did they say? how did you talk your way out of that?

i dont see any ads at all, maybe there is a popup on the server that you are looknig at instead, i will try to link to the file but from past experience this doesnt work too often

http://www.geocities.com/scir_slayer/SV400009.AVI

I just get a blank screen as well. Apart from the fucking irritating yahoo ad down the side of the screen :(

so does anyone have this work other than me?

tried chaniging colours so that default browser settings dont interfere, go to the original webpage again

Went on a excursion a few years ago, with only 8 students. Being 16yo's, we spent most of the evenings in the spa, and after a few drinks and dares, most of us ended up in the spa naked. A few of the girls offer to flash a guy for a few cigs, which is when the teacher decided to walk around the corner. The next day we were having a lecture on hotel security when they mentioned the cameras around the spa.

so does anyone have this work other than me?
Works for me, using Firefox and WMP9. It's definitely not an oops, except possibly in the sense "Oops, I really shouldn't have done that.".

AH yes, got it by saving as. Getting into jackass territory there V, but funny

meh, at least we werent directly ripping it off, we plan our stunts for hours until we find ones good enough to try, i think our next big one is gonig to be jumping off the bridge while on fire, well have to get in while its still flooded tho coz the waters only about 1m deep normally

LOL, Brilliant, what did you tell your dinner guests? i mean turning up dressed for dinner covered in piss is a bit of a social faux pas here in England. It puts one off the soup course :D Come on spill the beans, what did they say? how did you talk your way out of that?

By the time we got there (after sitting in the traffic jam) his pants were only slightly damp, so it wasn't that noticable. We didn't say anything to my friends about it that night, but I was sitting next to him during dinner and all I could smell was urine :D . I asked my friends a few days later if they noticed anything funny when we came over, like a smell or anything, but they didn't. I'm guessing because he had had a lot of beer it was really watery and that's why it didn't smell as bad as it could have. I did tell them the story however, and they couldn't stop laughing ;) .

Well here's one that has cringe, and pain , and made me laugh. But first a little lesson for you all. I was sent to collect a patient from his room, who was going to have an op on his dick. This is nothing new to me, your all just a lump of meat to me and as such nothing phases me. Well not much. When we collect a patient, we check they are the right one, date of birth , hospital number etc.. We also have to inform and verify the op we are gonna do. Now this patient was having a check for a thing called Pyrones Disease. Put simply guys and gals, when the male gets a hard on, he has a bent dick, maybe up, down ,left, right or a combination of these. Now my fellow workers sent me to collect this patient and as i walk into his room, his entire family are there, mum ,dad, sister brother and girlfriend. He is only just 17. So we go through the paperwork, and normally we put all the procedure stuff in the technical latin terms- but not this one. I had to read out in front of the whole family, that we were taking there little cherub for an " artificial erection test" Did the boy go red? he fucking did.
Anyway hes on the slab and the op starts. The surgeon needs to know which way his dick bends when its hard, and so we push a fuckin great big needle into the base of the dick with a 1 litre bag of saline attached to it. You know the little pump thats used to pump up the cuff when you have your blood pressure done? well we use a sort of pump with one of them on it. Thing is we were all having a chat and i was asked to take over pumping up this guys dick. So i'm chatting away and squeezing the pump for what must of been quite a while. There is a shriek from the surgeon " Let it down!!" OOPS. i had been pumping for a bit to long and this guy now had a dick that had grown to donkey proportions- mind you it was still well bent.( he was fine don't worry) but i have the satisfaction of knowing that however long he lives, he will never,never, ever have a boner like that one again. Shame he was knocked out at the time :D The surgeon did tell me he complained of pain for a while after :D

holy fuck, if that guy knew he wolud probaly sue you, but has it ever made you want to sneak some salene home to show off

oh my god is that funny...just when I thought I had heard it all....

I wonder if he was trying not to think about sex so he wouldn't get a hard-on and be in even more pain after that surgery...poor kid:)

Well here we go again, working a late one night and we get a call that a patient is coming to theatre. All the girls i work with were getting all giggly and excited. Why? because we were about to recieve a male stripper! anyway this body turns up and the girls looked a little dissapointed. Now i don't know much about male strippers, but i gather that on the whole they don't have much body hair because of the oil and stuff, and they usually have a nice tan. Well our's had niether. he was scawny and hairy, and his skin was whiter than the belly of a dead fish. But what he did have was the biggest dick i have ever seen in my life! it was fucking enormous. The problem was that it was so big because this nutter was trying to circumcise himself. Now at what point when you are hacking through your foreskin do you have to stop and think that this is really not a good idea? Well our friend decided after he was about 7/8 of the way through the job. But did he come to the hospital straight away? No. He must of reckoned that the swelling might go down on its own. So he came to hospital 3 DAYS later. Are we all familiar with toilet rolls? well it was as thick as one of those. It had swollen up to about 8 inches in length as well. Flacid. But the funny thing about it was that his purple helmut, bell end, whatever you call it in your part of the world. Well, that was still its normal size. It was like looking at the top of a cake with a cherry on top :eek: Well he was sorted out and the female surgeon i was with asked whether we should inform a shrink about this nutter. I said we should really , but she said " Nah, fuck him, its Friday night and i can't be bothered with all the paperwork. I want a gin and tonic" Some people eh? :D

" Nah, fuck him, its Friday night and i can't be bothered with all the paperwork. I want a gin and tonic" Some people eh?

I would have said the exact same thing!

And your poor female co-workers:(...they didn't get to see a "sexy" stripper on a Friday night.

i feel sorry for thoes nurses, they got their hopes up for nothing. when i read it was purple i thdought for sure you were going to amputate, you never did tell us what you did

We just finished off what he had started. How barking mad do you have to be to saw your own foreskin off? what a nutter :eek: Come to think , there is nothing that looks so pathetic as a dick wrapped up in a big bloody bandage :D

except the other half in a different bandage ;), but have you ever had to amputate a penis due to somethinsg like that?

Did have a guy in last summer who was riding his motorbike in a flimsy vest. He came off, landed on his chest and slid down the road. He left his nipples on the road. Ouch! :eek:

except the other half in a different bandage ;), but have you ever had to amputate a penis due to somethinsg like that?

I have seen a guy who had his dick amputated. Cancer of the dick poor sod :(

damn, that sucks, it wolud be funny if he brought it on himself, but cancer, oof

Well lets get back on topic, enough of morbid stuff. Come on V share a cringe worthy story. ;)

A mate of mine was in the merchant navy and was in the Gulf on an oil tanker. He's a really strong swimmer and decided that he needed some grass. All of his fellow shipmates told him he was wasting his time trying to score in scotum or wherever it was, but he would have none of it. So over the side he goes and starts to swim to shore. Anyway he has a massive hangover and is still a bit stoned from the night before, but he carries on swimming. He notices out of the corner of his eye something near him. He looks, and told me he then nearly shit himself. He was being followed by a Portugese Man Of War! ( bloody great big jellyfish- quite nasty) He told me this really spured him on to swim as fast as he could, and he was really panicking and getting very tired. But still the Man'o'war followed him, down troughs and over crests of waves. He said he was that freaked out and scared as well as being totally exhausted. But being the sailor that he was, he was about to die and give his body up to the sea. So he turned round to meet his fate. But he did'nt get stung. He was being followed by a half inflated fertiliser bag! :D

that reminds me of when i was watering little gary the h:m:rb for a friend but there benig a lack of cups or buckets in his backyard i decide to get mouthfuls of water from the tap, i turned on the hose and put it to my mouth, yet nothing happened, so a held it there, and twisted it less than a 1/4 turn to which reactd by going full throttle into the back of my thoat and out my nose

Myself and my friends are thinking of starting a new game. We think it may have a very high cringe factor. The rules are very simple. Are we all familiar with E-Lax ? its a chocolate used to cure constipation. Does the group know what Imodium is? its a drug to relieve diaorrhea. Well you take both of them together. We imagine waiting for the winner will be an incredibly tense time- as we will be in the pub when we do it :D

wouldn't it just be funnier to take huge quantities of laxatives alone, than a laxative and the cure?

And eat some kebab beforehand.

wouldn't it just be funnier to take huge quantities of laxatives alone, than a laxative and the cure?

And eat some kebab beforehand.
Well the thing is we would bet on which one would win . The stress would be amazing. :D

that is true, but how do you know when the blocker has won? Or do you shit so regulary that it is always when you are drinking during the evening/night?

well i suppose we would'nt have 3 kgs of crap in our pants for starters :eek:

Yeah, fecal play definitely isn't doing it for me slotty.

Are the kebabs any good in the UK? I had some in France, and they were essentially lamb sandwhiches.

Well, speaking of fecal matter, here's good one.

My cousin Shane, didn't like his boss very much (he's a cop so he can get away with this I guess), so he shit on a plate and put it in his bosses desk drawer.

The next week, his boss found a skunk that someone had just run over with a car. It was about 90 degrees F out and he put the skunk in a paper bag and held it out the window the whole ten miles to work and I guess the thing just stunk :D . He got to work and put in Shane's locker. ;)

Nice one Anal ;) and yeh Roman, we get every sort of kebab on the planet here in the Uk. Of course you would never,never, ever, dream of eating one whilst sober. It's like Newtons 5th law ( the 4th being it does'nt matter how much you shake it, the last drop always goes down your trouser leg!) Kebabs and Kentucky fried chicken can only be consumed when pissed :D

I have to say that all you members of sciforums are either a) perfect or b) boring. or c) shy. Now i hope its c. I am sure that between us all there are hundreds of stories where we can all laugh at our collective misfortunes. Now i have just started a new job in a different department for a while, so if you've read this thread you will know that i like a bit of a giggle as i go about my day. But sadly i am not in a job at the moment that involves people with things stuck up there ass to make me laugh. Slotty is suffering people. I need a constant input of mirth to allow me to function in the way i am accustomed. So please share your lifes fuck ups with the members.


Anyway yet another little fuck up in my life. So picture the scene. I have just started working in a hospital and go for my lunch break. I end up sitting with all of the senior management and sit down with my meal. Its sausages, fried eggs, baked beans , burger, and chips ( fries to my colonial friends) I sit down and start to eat it but think " hmm, this is a bit dry- maybe some gravy will be good" so up i get and go back to the counter and poor a health serving of gravy all over the meal. I sat back down and started to eat my meal. Now i had been out for a heavy night the previous night and was feeling a bit jaded. I started to eat and began to thinkl that it tasted a bit wierd. But thinking it was just my hangover/ jaded palate carried on eating. All of the senior management were all having a chat but all sort of stopped and i could tell they were all looking at me. Thats because it was'nt gravy. Oh no- it was chocolate sauce. The thing is i just carried on eating it, like " yeh, its great. Have you never tried it ? " sort of look on my face. Sometimes i can be a real silly twat, but hey thats life and sometimes shit happens. Actually at first it tasted like shit,and about two mins later i wished it was. :D

I must be perfect :D.
I'm sorry slotty, but I have no stories of this thread's caliber.
But I am not yet 18! Give me time!

Well its nice to know that you know that your gonna fuck it up sometime in the future. ;)

Myself and my friends are thinking of starting a new game. We think it may have a very high cringe factor. The rules are very simple. Are we all familiar with E-Lax ? its a chocolate used to cure constipation. Does the group know what Imodium is? its a drug to relieve diaorrhea. Well you take both of them together. We imagine waiting for the winner will be an incredibly tense time- as we will be in the pub when we do it :D

My friends and i have still not got enough courage yet to do this one in the pub. I will keep you all informed- saying that would any of you lot try it :eek:

Has nothing to do with me, but still very funny!

http://www.wcfcourier.com/articles/2005/02/02/news/metro/05b520341e23abd886256f9c00519892.txt

I must be perfect :D.
I'm sorry slotty, but I have no stories of this thread's caliber.
But I am not yet 18! Give me time!

meh, you shoudnt let age stop you ;)

C'mon people.....Slotty and I can't always have the most embarrassing things happening to us and our friends....I know SOMEBODY has to have a story....it's an awesome thread, let's keep it going!!! :)

But Roman, we'll let you slide....since you're not 18 yet and all ;) .

even as babies we did embarrasing things, surely there is someone here who has some embarrasing stories.

ok, the only new ones i can think of:

when riding my bike alond the footpath, i hit a powerpole, then fell onto the grass and got a big grass stani on my ass.

a friend of mine was riding a childs-sized bmx while drunk, the pedal snapped off and he fell down hitting his nuts right on the seat in front of everyone

A quick one. I was walking home pissed and a policeman is stood in a shop doorway. I did'nt see him, but he saw me trip over my feet as i was stumbling home. He said " Whats up with you boy, don't your feet reach the end of your shoe's? "
I replied, " No. Why, does your head reach the top of your helmut?"
British police wear those bloody great big hats. His face was a picture as i went about my merry way. :D

This is how not to impress a new girlfriend. I had been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks and we were in bed together for the first time. Anyway we were pounding away making passionate luurve when in mid stroke i just said " won't be long, about 5 mins" jumped off her, got dressed and went out. I came back about 10 mins later with a giant burger stuffed in my face and all the sauce etc dribbling around my chin. I just said to her " Sorry, but when you get a munchy attack you just gotta eat" Of course i had had a splif and the munchies just take over. She just looked disgusted with me. I never saw her again, but hey the burger was great! :D

This is how not to impress a new girlfriend. I had been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks and we were in bed together for the first time. Anyway we were pounding away making passionate luurve when in mid stroke i just said " won't be long, about 5 mins" jumped off her, got dressed and went out. I came back about 10 mins later with a giant burger stuffed in my face and all the sauce etc dribbling around my chin. I just said to her " Sorry, but when you get a munchy attack you just gotta eat" Of course i had had a splif and the munchies just take over. She just looked disgusted with me. I never saw her again, but hey the burger was great! :D

I don't believe you. Sorry, but no way. Cause that's just.....

....Harsh.

I swear its true. i have no reason to lie here. None of you know me and so it does'nt matter that i share some of the cringe moments of my life here. When i had got back to sanity i did think it was a bit crass aswell. But like i said, if you've got the munchies, you gotta eat. If the roles were reversed i would of kicked the shit out of me. But looking back i still find it funny. :D

Come on sexyfeet, give us one to laugh at. ;)

I can't think of any. Sorry slotty. I threw one or two tame ones in back there, but i'm all sweet and innocent, don't have any stories involving penguins and kinky mating rituals or anything like that.

Me and a friend were making prank phone calls. My turn comes up so I call this lady. We chit chat, something about slash tires, the hilarity ensues. She finally says, "If you dont watch it, I'll beat your ass." I responded with a "I dont fight ladies, I strangle 'em."

Needless to say she called the cops.

And did you call from home and did she have the thingie that recognizes the number of who is calling...and are you now posting from jail?

what about you spurious, surely the great phdmonkey has a story or two

There was a party for PhD students at the institute. Naturally that involved lots of drinking. It started rather early, so we were piss drunk by seven. Then you start wandering around the institute. I was doing this with my blonde colleague. We noticed that the door to our boss' office was open and the light was on. Strangely enough that didn't ring any warning bells. We went in and I sat on the boss' chair. The busty blonde colleague sat on my lap. We were pretending to the be boss and such.

Then my boss came in of course with the secretary looking flabbergasted. Oooopps... We didn't give any explanation and made our exit. Very embarrassing, especially the morning after. Needless to say my professional reputation took a downfall.

Well i have permission of a member of sciforums to tell you this tale of woe. The member, who shall remain "The .FL.... was out on a date trying to impress a young lady with his charm and wit. Apparently the date was going fine, and our hero was regailing the young lady with his massive repertoire of jokes from the " most offensive jokes" thread down in the cesspool. At one stage he says: "Whats blue,18 inches long, and does'nt fit properly?" Blank look from the girl, " A dead epilectic" .He's rolling around laughing and she erupts into floods of tears. Her brother died of an epilectic fit about six months ago. And yes, the blow job was out of the question. I know i should'nt laugh, but i could'nt help it. :D

So lets have some stories where you wished the ground would open up and swallow you up. I have one that is far worse than the Flemsters (oops)above.

oops. the moral of the story? get to know well the recievers of your twisted mind first before sharing it~!!

And did you call from home and did she have the thingie that recognizes the number of who is calling...and are you now posting from jail?

We were on a school phone. Not smart but they never knew who it was. It was lucky none-the-less

When we go to parties we pick a random phone number and call it all night always asking " Hello, is Fred there?" first couple of times they are polite and tell you no its a wrong number. After twenty times they are a bit pissed off- well quite a lot actually' So when the party finishes, someone takes the number you have been calling all the time and rings it the next day . " Hi, you don't know me but my names Fred. Any messages? ". We have yet to get a polite reply :D

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That is great. Im gonna have to do that.

hmm, that reminds me of this chick called sylvia, her number was 3795-742(3-sylvia). everyone would call her at randow times in the morning ond ask to talk to sylvia, after several months she changed her number

Okay.....this one has to do with stealing.

I had this friend in college and we used to do some really stupid things when we were drunk. Well, one night around Christmas (in 1990 or so) we got pretty loaded and decided to steal Christmas wreathes off of front doors of people's houses. We collected about 50 of them, went over to our friend Todd's house and put them in a shrine all around his bed.

He called me the next day and said, "My bed is completely surrounded by flowers and a couple of Christmas wreathes." We went over to his house and sure enough, we were so drunk that three quarters of what we thought were Christmas wreathes were actually flower baskets and other miscellaneous items like that. I estimate that we probably got about $2500 USD worth of stuff....I was really embarrassed the next day.

.....which leads me to another "crazy drunk theft"....

The same friend and I, on another drunk occasion, lived in the dorms. I'm still not even sure how we did this (I guess we were strong back then). There was a dorm called Hunt Hall and another building called Carey Hall where classes were offered. We took the 'C' off of Carey Hall and the 'H' off Hunt Hall and reversed them. It created quite a stir on campus the next day. We're lucky we didn't get caught and kicked out of school for that one :D .

HA! That reminds me of a story. My friend used to work at the local supermarket, a Winn Dixie. Anywho, there was a bank inside, Regions Bank. It was his last day so he thought he would do something funny. His boss went to the back and they were closing so he arranged the letters of Regions Bank to Groin Bank. Nobody noticed it until 2pm the next day.

He he he he...... This happened about three nights ago, at the MacDonalds 100 m from the cafe I work at.
A couple of teenage boys bet each other that they could swallow a burger whole. Not eat it whole, but swallow it whole. The one that went first got it stuck half-way down his throat, blocking off his airway, which caused him to stop breathing for 6 minutes and actually killed him, until paramedics revived him. The surgon from the hospital's ICU is a regular at the cafe, so he came and gave me the details, reenforced by the chef's brother, who was there at the time. Can you imagine the phonecall his mother got? "I'm sorry ma'am, but your son is in the ICU. It was a cheeseburger." Or the eulegy, had he not survived?
He he he he....

He he he he...... This happened about three nights ago, at the MacDonalds 100 m from the cafe I work at.
A couple of teenage boys bet each other that they could swallow a burger whole. Not eat it whole, but swallow it whole. The one that went first got it stuck half-way down his throat, blocking off his airway, which caused him to stop breathing for 6 minutes and actually killed him, until paramedics revived him. The surgon from the hospital's ICU is a regular at the cafe, so he came and gave me the details, reenforced by the chef's brother, who was there at the time. Can you imagine the phonecall his mother got? "I'm sorry ma'am, but your son is in the ICU. It was a cheeseburger." Or the eulegy, had he not survived?
He he he he....

That would be a shitty way to die :D

Slotty......where are you ??????????? [ [ [ [ [ [ Echo ] ] ] ] ] ]

Been real busy! So who else has a funny one?

This happened a couple years ago in Mexico.
I was pissed drunk, and dancing with this very attractive college student, who was about 5 years older than me. I thought I was pretty hot shit. Of course, she was REALLY drunk, and it wasn't really dancing as much as grinding for hours.

Anyhow, I inevitably get this massive hardon, but fortunately it's tucked down my pants at an angle where it won't poke anything.

So we're bar hopping, clubbing and so forth, and she hasn't noticed anything in my pants. Good.
We get to La Cucaracha, a very seedy little place, and all of a sudden I feel a little slippage in my pants. Before I know it she stops and turns to me, and says almost amusedly, "Roman, what's that? Is that what I think it is?"
And I go, "Uhhh.... if you think it's this chapstick, yes." and pull out my chapstick.
She laughs, and says "Honey, that was way bigger than your chapstick."
"Is this a win?" I think
I began to say something about how maybe I'd show her sometime, but she just laughed hysterically, and then I really can't remember what happened because I kept drinking.

That would be a shitty way to die :D

Slotty......where are you ??????????? [ [ [ [ [ [ Echo ] ] ] ] ] ]

Not reall. He would have been a contender of the Darwin award. His mother would have been so proud.

We were at the park the other day for a bbq celebrating a friend's 20th when the local paper crashed and asked us if they could interview us about our pets for the column 40. One of my friends told the interviewer that her boyfriend was her pet, and continueing the comedy, i told them i had a pet potato that was a great listener. (I really did have a pet potato, but it died just after x-mas).
However.... work got a hold of the column, and proceeded to blow the pikki up and post it around the store........I've found about 5 copies so far..........
...And one of the chef's sent it into Rove (a talkshow).....



WOOT!!! 500 posts!!! Sunbaking and STILL not burnt...

Not reall. He would have been a contender of the Darwin award. His mother would have been so proud.

hee hee.....I can't argue with that logic :D

I've just read a thread about lying on CV's and at job interviews, but this tale fits better here. When i left the army i got a job as a distribution manager and at the time i had'nt had much experience of job interviews. I advertised a job for guys to work in my warehouse. Some were easy but this one stands out.
I was going through the motions of the interview, but i buggered it up by sort of offering this guy the job before i should off. i asked him if he could start on monday, " nahh mate, i'm up court en eye?" ( this guy is a real east end gor blimey cockney and no mistake guv'nor) All the brits here will know the type but for all my international friends here he's a bit of a villian. a dodgy bloke as we say.He had big gold rings on, big blingly chains, lots of scars, and his knuckles dragged on the floor as he walked. So without the accent i will continue. I asked what he was up court for " Well, there was this motor down the road and we stripped it out" Me having faith in mankind was prepared to let this go. " Have you ever been in trouble with the police before? " i asked.
"Fuck yeh man! loads!" he replied.
"Like what?" i asked.
"Well lets see,ABH,GBH, TDA, TWOCing -3 times , aggravated burglary, going equiped, drink driving, breaking and entering , handling stolen goods, " These are just the ones i can remember, he was a one man violent crime wave. ( ABH= actual bodily harm, GBH= grevious bodily harm, TDA and TWOC is stealing cars) i remember being amazed at the list of crimes that he had commited and he was realing them off like they were something to be proud of. Sort of sarcasticly i asked " Is that it?"
He replied " Oh no, i forgot. i got done for indecent exposure!" :eek:

I did'nt know where to look trying not to laugh at this violent cock waving nutter- but my interview technique improved no end :D

WOW 800 posts. Come on guys and gals, make me laugh or is everybody just living a boring life with no mistakes?

well last weekend i was walking along, and i saw 2 cars pull over, and the drivers talked to each other, then i got closer, and recognised the cars(2 of my friends) but i almost burst out laughing as the back window wound down in one car, and sam jumped out of that window and dived into the other car, he then just sat there calmly and asked where they were going like nothing had happened(i found this incredibly funny for some reason)

When you arrive home from the pub always , always turn on the lights. Yes my fellow drinkers its a pain trying to locate the light switch, but believe me i now know its worth the effort. I have just got home and think to myself that a glass of grapefruit cordial will help stop the headache and de-hydration later.
I now have to clean up my kitchen. It was supposed to be grapefruit cordial that i took a huge mouthfull of.But because like most people who have had a bit of a night, with the lights off i picked up the wrong bottle. It was infact an exceedingly hideous drink called cooking oil :D The fountain of vomit i have just produced amazed even me. I will now make sure the cordial and cooking oil live as far apart as possible. I can be a silly twat sometimes :D

This is why I generally go with tap water ;)
Which reminds me - ages ago, I was in Austria on holiday with my family. Our German was rather non-existent, but we needed some food and drink, so while my Dad went for a run, we bought assorted items, including a beverage called Apfelessig, not realising that 'essig' means vinegar. We quickly realised upon pouring it that it was vinegar, but decided it would be amusing to offer some to my dad when he returned.
Needless to say the running had made him thirsty, and upon being offered a drink, he proceeded to swig half a glass, before realising his mistake. :D
We have yet to be forgiven.

apple vinegar? weird.

well, we were in japanese class, we were supposed ot be practising ou sentence structure, and some guys came up with game where they got props from teh drama room and would give instructions of what the other people had to wear, needless to say that 2 of them were wearing dresses, one was wearnig a really gay shirt and i was wearnig a kimono with sandals hanging off my ears. unfortunately the teacher decided to end our embarrassment before we dared each other to walk around the block and interupt classes while shouting insults at each other in german.

maybe next time

I was at a local zoo with my girlfriend the other day, we were looking at a giraffe leaning its head over a fence to eat some tall grass on the other side. So i was telling my girlfriend that if a giraffe has its head down too long, because of it blood pressure, it will pass out and die. Then I heard a little girl crying behind me "mommy he said the giraffes are going to die!!!" I looked at her mom and she was shaking her head looking at me with a 'what the fuck?' look on her face. It was a classic moment really....

Have you ever known something that someone else wasnt supposed to know and you accidentally tell them.

me: Hey Billy, how do you feel about your dad losing his job?
billy: WHAT!?!?!
me: Of eff...


Im now an enemy of that family.

Have you ever known something that someone else wasnt supposed to know and you accidentally tell them.

me: Hey Billy, how do you feel about your dad losing his job?
billy: WHAT!?!?!
me: Of eff...


Im now an enemy of that family.
Now this is what this thread is about. Those little "oh fuck" moments that make you cringe at the time, but after there a giggle. Nice one Gondolin. Welcome to the Cringe Club. :D

[QUOTE=0scar]I was at a local zoo with my girlfriend the other day, we were looking at a giraffe leaning its head over a fence to eat some tall grass on the other side. So i was telling my girlfriend that if a giraffe has its head down too long, because of it blood pressure, it will pass out and die. Then I heard a little girl crying behind me "mommy he said the giraffes are going to die!!!" I looked at her mom and she was shaking her head looking at me with a 'what the fuck?' look on her face. It was a classic moment really....[/QUOTE

Welcome aboard the Cringe Club. :D

i wish i was there to see the look on there faces :D

I have a better one. This was about 2 or 3 years ago at this girls 16th birthday. The music was loud and I was talking to a friend and I was screaming really loud "Yea, she is the biggest whore at this party!" Right when the music stopped I continued screaming "...Biggest whore at this party!" That was the worst moment of my life. Then all the girls thought I was talking about them.

Nice one! read my one about the Latin teacher at the start of the thread. Because of that i did'nt get laid by her friends for ages. Your name is mud for a while i think, but its still fucking funny :D

Speaking of saying things to loud where people can hear you. I was spending a few days with a friend of mine in his apartment where he goes to college. We were sitting on his balcony watching all the idiots party and get drunk and what not. This car pulls up and the hottest girl I have ever seen got out. I started joking around and this is the one line that got heard. "Wow, I wouldnt mind having sex with that chick next door." The girl heard me and knew exactly that I was talking about her. She yelled for Mark, her boyfriend, and he came out. I hightailed it back in the apartment and locked the doors. She saw me the next day when I left the apartment and said "Don't let my boyfriend know it's you who said that, he's looking to beat the s*** out of you." I left the next day.

This happend a couple months ago, I just got a job at a very nice restaurant as a line cook. So I was having a bad night and had already messed up a couple of orders and the sous chef was a little pissed at me. I was garnishing a dish with some caviar and he walks around the corner and looks at me at the same moment that I drop the container of caviar on the floor. If i had a gun, I would have shot my self. It was a 2oz container that costs over $60. my night did not get any better, Im surprised I still have my job....

Once there was this really funny thread. People liked to post in it a lot. Then I started to post stuff in it too. Then every body else stopped. It was really embarassing.

LOL ,keep 'em coming Oscar :D

This was told to me by a girlfriend. She was working in the states at one of those summer camps and started seeing this guy. She fell for him big time and it was all skipping and faries. After a while she found out that he was playing away from home and so set about getting revenge.
Picture the scene, she is already in bed dressed all sexy when her guy comes in. He starts to get all aroused and in the mood. She starts to jack him off, and after a couple of minutes he starts screaming. Really screaming, to get her revenge on him, whilst laying in bed waiting for him she had been holding her hand in a big bowl of very , very hot chilli. :eek:

What a bitch! but what a star :D

Speaking of chilli's , i read about an Indian guy who owed money to some other guy. He did'nt pay him so the other guy went round to his house with three friends and inserted a 6 inch chilli up his ass :eek:

WHOA! That would suck really bad. Thats why I dont borrow money.

one night me and some freinds got realy drunk at our little skate park that we built. I had eaten some broccoli earlier. I vomited next to one of the quarter pipes. The next morning I walked down to the skate park and one of the little stoner kids dog is over by the quarter pipe eating some thing. so I asked Ben what his dog was eating, "looks like some old broccoli" he tells me. "you might not want to let him eat that" "its fine, it just someones old broccoli" "yeah... you could put it that way..." :rolleyes:

WHOA! Thats pretty gross. Sucks for the dog.

This story is from my sixth grade year.

I had borrowed a BB gun from a friend of mine and had run out of CO2s... I call him up and asked if I could bum a few off him. He obliged and brought them to school the next day. I put them in my satchel and went on with my day. Later that day I went to the restroom and when I came back everyone was freakin out. I was dragged to the office where I come face to face with a county officer. I was searched, patted down, had my satchel searched, and my locker. I was in sixth grade and was crying like a baby, I thought I was going to jail. Needless to say I am the only person to make a bomb scare with an actual device in Central and North Alabama. They were only CO2s but they caused quite a scare for both sides.

my uncle once hit his head on a mailbox trying to ride his bike with his eyes closed.
my other uncle once walked off a ditch while tkaing a piss, and woke up an hour later, looking up at the stars. he was unconscious.
my mom was hit in the head with a golf clup as a kid.
i was hit in the head with a golf ball as a kid.
my mom slipped and fell into the garage door, and had a black eye for a week.

I tried to legalize medical marijuana in a southern state. In retrospect, I was quite naive.

When I was about 11, I was babysitting my younger brother of 7 at the time. The little firebug was playing with matches, I told him to cut it out as our parents were due back so I started spraying air freshner around and when I spun and sprayed in his direction he still had a match lit, a big fireball engulfed his face. I managed to trim his singed hair and eyebrows well enough that our parents didn't find out till we told them 20 years later. :p
Then there's the time I was paying him back for the old bucket on top of the door prank. I filled a 2 litre cordial bottle with water, put it on a cupboard and strung it to the door so it swing into him. It knocked him out and threw him back a metre, hilarious and he still whines about it :D

*falls over laughing*
holy shit!
that is fucking hilarious.
i wish i had a sibling to do that to...

I've done a lot of dumb arse shit. When I was 6 I went camping in the bush near home with some older kids. We sat around a fire on deck chairs cooking our food, no-one told me about piercing my can of baked beans before putting it in the fire. I'm not sure how long it took but the half-dozen or so of us were all leaning into the fire retrieving our various bits of food when it exploded of course. Needless to say we were all covered in very hot baked beans :D

damn.
had to sting like hell...
d-damn, man!

I go to this party with a girl and go to bed kind of early. She stays up drinking. At this point we were a little more than friends.
Anyway, I wake up in the morning and see her sleeping on the floor. I go over and lie down next to her, and then I realize it's not her. It's some dude wearing her shirt. And then she comes in wearing his.

Oops.

I go to this party with a girl and go to bed kind of early. She stays up drinking. At this point we were a little more than friends.
Anyway, I wake up in the morning and see her sleeping on the floor. I go over and lie down next to her, and then I realize it's not her. It's some dude wearing her shirt. And then she comes in wearing his.

Oops.
Brilliant! thanks for the laugh Roman :D

Oops, me and my mouth yet again. We went to a bar to do a quiz thing and were all having a drink and a good time. The table is getting cluttered up with glasses and the barmaid comes over and starts to clear up the table . I did'nt really notice that she was holding the glasses in a strange way in the crook of her arm. I was trying to be polite by passing her some glasses and said " here, i'll give you a hand" It was then i noticed she only had one and a half arms. I got a filthy look.

lol......my friend Chris would appreciate that, he is missing one hand

Come on people, tell me a story of your most cringing ,ground open up and swallow me moment. :bugeye:

Well, this happened to a friend of mine.

I was at the local club with some friends, including a girl called Taela. Taela is an all round mole, the kind that likes to take her knickers off and throw them at the band, which she did this particular night. Anyway, about an hour after that she decided she wanted to get up and dance on our table, so, she is dancing for about a minute before we notice something red fall into one of the pots of beer on the table… it took us a moment to realise that her tampon had just fallen into our communal beer. Grosser still, my friend Seth poured some of the crimson -tinged liquid into an unsuspecting victim’s glass and they drank it. It was only then that Seth decided to inform them as to why we were laughing, and what he had just swigged.
Luckily Taela was too pissed to care, or remember the next morning. But I think the unsuspecting victim may have come out of the ordeal somewhat emotionally scarred.

oh man thats nasty.

Iron enriched beer...

Could be the new health craze.

Come on people, tell me a story of your most cringing ,ground open up and swallow me moment. :bugeye:
Well this wasn't exactly embarrasing but anyways...
One day when I was in year 7 I was late getting to class, a teacher coming my way starts berating me. I started to open my mouth with some lame excuse but to my surprise and more so for her I imagine out came a stinking brown projectile vomit all over her face. I keeled over continuing to vomit all down her dress. Needless to say the expression on her face was priceless, if I wasn't struggling with the foul taste in my mouth I would've fell over laughing. I hadn't felt sick before it in any way so I had no idea it was coming. :D

I was at a frat party off campus, and had to piss real bad. I decided the best place to piss would be by climbing on top of two BBQ grills and peeing off there. Of course, there were like 50 people around, but I've never had a problem pissing in public.

So I climb up there and start pissing when a fratboy decides I shouldn't be up there pissing and threatens to push me off. I tell him he wouldn't fucking dare. He dares.

Before zipping my fly up, I vault over the BBQ grills. He throws beer in my face. Stocking up to him, dripping booze, I realize that not only is my fly down and my dick hanging out, but my bladder still has several pints in it.

I get about two inches from his face and curse him blue. He protests. I apologize. I curse some more. All the while, I'm pissing on his leg. He stands around to argue with me. I placate a little bit, so he doesn't sock me in the face, and to get more time to pee on his leg. All this in front of dozens of people, and he didn't have a clue.

Oops.

Roman,

There are things I don't want to know about you. But okay, you should tell them anyway.

in the second year of uni i was sitting around at 2 in the morning having a spliff with my house mate and this girl texts me and says she's coming around (had been to a club,was wasted).she came and was lying on the sofa with her head on my lap while friend was at the bottom with a full view up her very short skirt,so he decided to send me a text message saying "i can see up her skirt,slut.she totally wants it".of course he sent it to her.............................

there is another one but i have to decide whether or not to tell it because it is actually the worst things that has ever happened ever.it makes me want to become a catholic just so i can repent.

tell us, its like your duty as a member of the forum. :P

Great stories! Thanks people, i knew you all had something to share. Nysse, thats even made a sick puppy like me stand in awe :D Roman, respect dude. thats classy. Kenworth, you will tell us, its the law. Purge for the group dude :D

Nysse, thats even made a sick puppy like me stand in awe

Oh cheers.
Glad I could be of service. ;)

Turns out the guy I had peed on was a returning alumnus of the frat AND I had peed on his car before the grill incident.

Well today i met a guy who had a real oops story to tell. Thing is he arrived in my place of work with a fucking huge wooden spoon stuck up his ass! He said he fell om it whilst decorating- as you do. We stuck itin a washer and i gave it back to him in the recovery room. He just laid there playing dead with his eyes tightly shut. Made my day watching him squirm :p

once i got drunk during a business dinner and vomited on my manager's feet

good times

Once I got so drunk the night before a job interview that I got sick at breakfast the next morning with the dude in the hotel restaurant. I was able to get to the bathroom first, but there was no doubt I was sick. Didn't get that job.

This is a story about the second time I peed on a guy.
We were drinking, so um, I'm not gay.


"Roman, I want you to pee on me!"
My friend, rushing out of the house, excited, wearing nothing but a speedo and swimming goggles.
"Uhhh, I'm out of pee," having just emptied by bladder through the hose sprayer to see if I couldn't get sweet waterworks (I could if I peed real hard).
"Drink more!" he demands. Everyone at the party was very generous in helping me drink more. Shots, beers, a couple quarts of water. "Here, have a smoke, it's a diuretic. Have another beer."

"Alright Roman, you can pee on me, but you have to take your clothes. I'll lay in this deflated kiddie pool."

"We should, like, shoot him the back with a bb gun while he pees on him. No, lets use a flaming dart."
"Yeah! Soak Roman's back in lysol first, so he catches on fire!"

So there I was, naked, on fire, and peeing on this guy. Who was giggling. The fire got really hot, so I ended up leaping into the kiddie pool and rolling the flames out.

Now I wouldn't believe any of this happened, had it not all been caught on video.

ahaha, give us the video, that would be priceless.

Ok, I was out at one of my first parties in college my freshman year. I had been to this place a couple times before, but this was the first real rager. It also happened to be my 18th birthday. So I was getting smashed, everyone was giving me beers and shots and everything, and one of the guys says, "C'mon, come do a keg stand while we sing you happy birthday." I had never done a keg stand, nor witnessed one, and for anyone who is in the same situation I was, here's how it works (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l7zNYljwhk&search=keg%20stand). Anyway, I go up and am ready to do it, they get a couple of the bigger guys to lift me up (I'm not exactly skinny), and what do I do? WHAM!! Face first, I fall right into the keg, then roll over, and land flat on my back on the porch. All this with about 50 people around on the porch and in the yard. See, in my drunken state and naivete I didn't realize that the people holding you only really lift your legs up, and its up to you to support yourself with your arms. So I got up amongst much laughter, and did it again, with some instruction first, for the entire length of the 'happy birthday' song. So while I triumphed in the end, I did have an 'oops' along the way.

Roman...

Awesome :D

Well i've been away for a bit and not much is new to read here. I have had a couple of Oops moments which i'll tell you all about when i get time. It involves christian nutters and gay porn :D Come on guys, lets have your toe curling ,cringing stories :m:

Most of my "oops" are waking up with girls I don't remember going to bed with. Fat girls. Not so interesting.

I also tried to pull a lesbian, but hey, who hasn't?

Most of my "oops" are waking up with girls I don't remember going to bed with. Fat girls. Not so interesting.

I woke up with a 15 year old a few months ago. I was 21 then (and still am).

How? Alcohol.

You bastard!
The best I got was waking up with one of my best friend's 17 year old cousin.

How? Alcohol.

Waking up with them doesn't mean anything. Did you have unprotected anal sex with them?

How? lubrication.

Waking up with them doesn't mean anything. Did you have unprotected anal sex with them?

How? lubrication.

To tell you the truth I don't know. It was a wild party that night. I supplied the alcohol to a bunch of underagers.. one got alcohol poisoning... and I don't remember even half the night.

remember kids. Not remembering is wasting alcohol!

i got drunk at my sisters party and ended up fingering one of her best mates, its real awkward now

remember kids. Not remembering is wasting alcohol!

Very true.

However, my friends have this saying: We live for the friends we'll remember forever and the nights we'll never remember.

I almost made out with my former female boss at a hotel lobby during an office party totally pissing drunk. We locked lips and then she said she wait for me at her room. I tried to catch up with her but I passed out in the elevator!.

I encouraged an 18 year old co-worker to come to my place after work for booze and :m: and he of course, like all young guys, drank too fast, threw up and passed out. I had some fun with that guy! He was on my list for a long time. I did Almost everything. He didn't know anything when he awoke the next day. He would have reacted had he known. One of my favorite nights in a very long time!

Lol.. please tell. What kind of pleasures did this guy miss out on? lol.

Lol.. please tell. What kind of pleasures did this guy miss out on? lol.
If he only Knew! It was 5 years ago when I worked with a veritable HERD of manboys! :p It was only a matter of time before I would lure one into my Genjiweb!!

I have fags liquor me up all the time. Aren't they disappointed when I get anti-homo on em.

I have fags liquor me up all the time. Aren't they disappointed when I get anti-homo on em.
It all depends on IF you remember. Not all gays do that! Just ones like me, on occassion. :D

Most of the fags I know do that sort of thing. I actually respect them quite a bit for getting other men drunk, then raping them.

I got a package from my mom today. In it were three photos. 2 were mundane shots of me and friends goofing off in the yard. The third is me pulling my parents' handle of tequila out of the freezer, an unlit cigarette in my mouth, and a very drunk expression.

Totally a "I know what you did last summer, Roman."

assholes drink tequila.

REAL men lick batteries.

The funny part is over the course of time that I was drinking from my folks' handle, I ended up draining it, twice. So on the third refill, I was very sure to put more back in than there originally was. That way they couldn't come back and say "My Roman, this bottle's awefully empty!" I also put cheaper, rawer Tequila in there, so they couldn't accuse me of watering it down.

BUT THOSE BASTARDS DID BOTH, AND NOW THEY HAVE A PHOTO. ROMAN LOST :(