redarmy11
06-29-06, 06:35 AM
I made the mistake of writing some poetry on Poetry.com a while back when I was drunk. Here's one (some of the references might not make sense to my american friends - sorry):
Big Flappy Orange Pants
Pelting for a number 19 bus in my
Big, flappy orange pants,
"I'm gonna miss it," I bellow,
"I'm gonna miss it!"
"Tarry awhile, flower of youth!" purrs the
old slapper in the funny hat.
"Youth is precious waste not yours!"
"But you don't understand," I cry,
"I've got the turtle's head and
Besides Hollyoaks is on at Six."
- Dr. Bernard Nutwedge MD
Here's another:
Gorgeous Lady
Hey!
Gorgeous lady,
With your long, long legs
In your short skirt
And your high heels
Lend us a pound for a
Cup of tea, or
I'll break your jaw, you
Dirty slapper!
- Dr. Bernard Nutwedge MD
They're brilliant, aren't they? Steve Michaels of Poetry.com seems to think so as, ever since I wrote them, he's been emailing me, inviting me to a poetry convention in America via emails like this one:
Dear Dr.Bernard,
The International Society of Poets Convention and Symposium is quickly approaching, and I have not heard if you will be attending. Dr.Bernard, I can only hold your place for two more weeks and then I will have to release it so another deserving poet may attend.
The ISP is very proud of you and your artistic accomplishments, and that is why you were nominated for 2006 Poet of the Year and the $20,000.00 grand prize. I also feel that you are very deserving of the Outstanding Achievement in Poetry Crystal Award Trophy. You will receive your trophy at the event in front of your fellow poets and family, while competing for the one of the largest cash prizes ever awarded in amateur poetry. Most importantly, you will have a chance to share your work and celebrate the art of poetry. Dr.Bernard, this is your final chance to register for this event. Please call me at 410-356-2000 extension 101 or click here (https://www.poetry.com/poetscorner/register.asp?VIP=P6386868&SC=T155) to register.
Sincerely,
Steve Michaels
Convention Chairperson
International Society of Poets
Sciforums: I would love to attend Steve's convention but I simply can't afford the air fare. So I was thinking: if you each lend me, say, £5.00 ($9.57) I'll be able to claim my rightful place as Poet of the Year 2006 and pick up my Crystal Trophy!
Only joking. The real purpose of this post is: this c***'s been plaguing me for months on end now so I thought that, for fun, you might like to help me compose a reply to his latest email. I've started it off, using the pen of my 'mad doctor' alter-ego, Dr. Bernard. Here's where I've got to so far:
Hi Steve
Sorry but I won't be able to make it to the forthcoming International Society of Poets Convention and Symposium (blimey, what a mouthful!), as I'll be performing a breast-enlargement and bowel-removal surgery on a patient of mine (an 80-year-old lap-dancer with Crohn's disease). I'm rather nervous as my hands aren't as steady as they used to be, due to my heavy alcohol consumption and hard drug use. Still, if it all goes pear-shaped and I get struck off, I can always go private and set up premises in the alley behind my local railway station, where my friend Mental Brian has his combined dental surgery and auto-repair shop!
From here I'm throwing it open to the floor and inviting suggestions on how to continue. I'm hoping to convince him that I'm completely deranged and that he wouldn't want me within a million miles of normal people. Hopefully then he'll stop bothering me (of course, I could just unsubscribe but that would be too easy...).
So, that's it - over to you! I'll compose an email made up of the best (ie funniest) of your suggestions and send him the result. If I get a reply I will, of course, keep you informed.
Yours sincerely...
redarmy11.
Big Flappy Orange Pants
Pelting for a number 19 bus in my
Big, flappy orange pants,
"I'm gonna miss it," I bellow,
"I'm gonna miss it!"
"Tarry awhile, flower of youth!" purrs the
old slapper in the funny hat.
"Youth is precious waste not yours!"
"But you don't understand," I cry,
"I've got the turtle's head and
Besides Hollyoaks is on at Six."
- Dr. Bernard Nutwedge MD
Here's another:
Gorgeous Lady
Hey!
Gorgeous lady,
With your long, long legs
In your short skirt
And your high heels
Lend us a pound for a
Cup of tea, or
I'll break your jaw, you
Dirty slapper!
- Dr. Bernard Nutwedge MD
They're brilliant, aren't they? Steve Michaels of Poetry.com seems to think so as, ever since I wrote them, he's been emailing me, inviting me to a poetry convention in America via emails like this one:
Dear Dr.Bernard,
The International Society of Poets Convention and Symposium is quickly approaching, and I have not heard if you will be attending. Dr.Bernard, I can only hold your place for two more weeks and then I will have to release it so another deserving poet may attend.
The ISP is very proud of you and your artistic accomplishments, and that is why you were nominated for 2006 Poet of the Year and the $20,000.00 grand prize. I also feel that you are very deserving of the Outstanding Achievement in Poetry Crystal Award Trophy. You will receive your trophy at the event in front of your fellow poets and family, while competing for the one of the largest cash prizes ever awarded in amateur poetry. Most importantly, you will have a chance to share your work and celebrate the art of poetry. Dr.Bernard, this is your final chance to register for this event. Please call me at 410-356-2000 extension 101 or click here (https://www.poetry.com/poetscorner/register.asp?VIP=P6386868&SC=T155) to register.
Sincerely,
Steve Michaels
Convention Chairperson
International Society of Poets
Sciforums: I would love to attend Steve's convention but I simply can't afford the air fare. So I was thinking: if you each lend me, say, £5.00 ($9.57) I'll be able to claim my rightful place as Poet of the Year 2006 and pick up my Crystal Trophy!
Only joking. The real purpose of this post is: this c***'s been plaguing me for months on end now so I thought that, for fun, you might like to help me compose a reply to his latest email. I've started it off, using the pen of my 'mad doctor' alter-ego, Dr. Bernard. Here's where I've got to so far:
Hi Steve
Sorry but I won't be able to make it to the forthcoming International Society of Poets Convention and Symposium (blimey, what a mouthful!), as I'll be performing a breast-enlargement and bowel-removal surgery on a patient of mine (an 80-year-old lap-dancer with Crohn's disease). I'm rather nervous as my hands aren't as steady as they used to be, due to my heavy alcohol consumption and hard drug use. Still, if it all goes pear-shaped and I get struck off, I can always go private and set up premises in the alley behind my local railway station, where my friend Mental Brian has his combined dental surgery and auto-repair shop!
From here I'm throwing it open to the floor and inviting suggestions on how to continue. I'm hoping to convince him that I'm completely deranged and that he wouldn't want me within a million miles of normal people. Hopefully then he'll stop bothering me (of course, I could just unsubscribe but that would be too easy...).
So, that's it - over to you! I'll compose an email made up of the best (ie funniest) of your suggestions and send him the result. If I get a reply I will, of course, keep you informed.
Yours sincerely...
redarmy11.