A fellow goes up to an indian and askes how did he get such lovely names for his children, the indian says it was easy,this little girl was born near running water, so we called her running stream, the little boy was born on the run from a bear,so we called him running bear, the other little lad came up to his dad and pulled at him and the indian looked down at him and said shut up hole in the rubber.

There was a chap working on the roads digging a hole,when he hurt his back,and the boss sent him home,when he got home his wife asked what was up,he told her he had hurt his back and would be off work for a month,she said that they needed the money and how would they manage, then she had a bright idea,she would dress up as him and take his place,so the next day she did,she got to work just before the rest of them,and had already started when the rest of the workers came,and this day they had a new lad working for them,so no one noticed and she worked on digging the hole,when all of a sudden her overalls split right the way around showing everything,well as they were climbing up the ladder out of the hole,the new guy looked up and saw everything,he jumped out of the hole and ran to the boss and asked for his cards,the boss aked why,the new guy said to the boss that he was not working the balls of him like he worked the balls of that poor fellow. MORE TO COME;)

This is an old one, but it's my all-time favorite because it's largely true:

What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman on PMS?




You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I resent that:D

There was an English man an Irish man and a Scots man all sentenced to death by firing squad, the English man was brought out first, stood against the wall and was asked if he had any last request, he shouted tornado the firing squad looked away and he escaped,so they brought out the Scots man, they stood him against the wall and asked him if he had any last request, he shouted earthquake, the firing squad looked away and he escaped, then they brought out the Irish man they stood him against the wall and asked him if he had any last request he shouted FIRE!:D

Did anyone hear that Hillary Clinton was changing her name?

She going to call herself Sharon Peters....

A chap gets up in the morning ,his wife askes him what he wants to eat for breakfast,he says nothing just sex, he goes to work comes home at lunch his wife askes him again what he wants to eat,and he says nothimng just sex, he goes back to work,comes home at tea time his wife askes once again what he wants to eat,and again he says nothing just sex,he goes out to the pub comes home about eleven and finds his wife naked sliding up and down the stair rail,he askes her what she is doing,she tells him she is warming up his supper:p

What word begins with F,
has four letters,
ends with K,
and when you get tired you can use your fingers?






fork

heres one I heard:

This guy hears a voice one day when he wakes up, it says: "Go to Vegas. Sell your house and your car and your land and go to Vegas."

He's skeptical, but after awhile he gives in and goes.

When he gets there, the voice says: "Go to King Tut's (or whatever)"

When he gets there (with all his money) the voice says: "Go to the roulette table." So he goes.

When he gets there the voice says: "Bet all of your money on red seventeen." So he does.

The table spins and lands on black fifteen, and the voice says:

Fuck

Chap goes into a pub and sees a dog next to this other chap,he askes if his dog bites the chap said no,so the chap stroked the dog and it took a bite out of his hand,the chap jumped back and said to the other chap,i thought you said your dog does not bite,he answered it doesnt that is not my dog.:rolleyes:

A guy goes into a bar, sees a lady by her self with a small dog. He sits next to her and offers to buy her a drink. After a while of talking, she notices he has his legs drawn up. She says. "Don't worry, the dog doesn't bite". He says, "It ain't biting I am worried about, he keeps trying to kick me".

Why is 6 afraid of 7 ?
.
.
.
.
.
Because 7-8-9!

These two guys are playing golf one fine day. They got to an area of the course where the nearby road was clearly visible. On the road a funeral procession was slowly rolling by. One fellow lined up his shot, took his swing, and as the ball sailed off into the distance he turned toward the funeral procession and took his golf hat off, placing it tenderly over his heart. His friend saw him and did the same. As the procession wended out of sight, the friend looked at the first guy and said "That was the most touching, beautiful thing I have seen in my life." "What was?" asked the first guy. "What you just did for that funeral," answered the friend. "Well," said the first guy. "It was the least I could do. She gave me the best years of her life."

Did you here about the two gay cowboys? rode into town and shot up the sherrif.

Hear about the three blondes that walked into the building?

You would have thought that one would have seen it....

http://www.chew.ch/images/fun/capacity.jpg

Want some more nice jokes. Go ahead and enjoy...

http://www.rudehumor.net/bladin/looser.mpeg

Fun...

http://www.kicken.com/audio/www.kicken.com-taliban.telephone.attack.mp3

What is the height of suspense? i'll tell you later!:p

Jesus and Moses are looking down on Earth and despairing of the evils of man, so they decide to make an appearance in the hope of setting humanity back on the right track. So they go to Israel, hire a boat and Moses rows out to the middle of the Dead Sea. Jesus gets his loudspeaker, and starts preaching to the passing boats.
Unfortunately, no-one believes that he's the son of god. Eventually, Moses suggests that he does the walking on water trick, which is always good for impressing the natives.
"Hear me!" says Jesus. "I shall walk upon the water towards the shore that you may know that I am the son of God!" The fishermen snigger, and wait expectantly.
Jesus steps over the side, and sinks like a stone.
To the guffaws of the fishermen, Moses pulls a spluttering messiah onto the boat.
"Jesus, Jesus, what happened?"
"No problem, Moses. I just forgot to plug my feet."

What is growing, but becomes smaller....??

The answer follows...tomorrow.:p

THE SuSPENSE IS KILLING Me!!! I can't wait untill tomarrow:D

Well, JezusSaves, because of you are dying to know the answer, I guess you can wait till tomorrow.... :p

But I promise you, the answer will be there...tomorrow.;)

What do men to standing up,
women do sitting down
and dogs do on three legs?


.....shake hands. :D

INITIAL SET OF RULES OF NOMIC
I. Immutable Rules.

101. All players must always abide by all the rules then in effect, in the
form in which they are then in effect. The rules in the Initial Set are in
effect whenever a game begins. The Initial Set consists of Rules 101-116
(immutable) and 201-213 (mutable).

102. Initially, rules in the 100's are immutable and rules in the 200's are
mutable. Rules subsequently enacted or transmuted (i.e., changed from
immutable to mutable or vice versa) may be immutable or mutable regardless of
their numbers, and rules in the Initial Set may be transmuted regardless of
their numbers.

103. A rule change is any of the following: (1) the enactment, repeal, or
amendment of a mutable rules; (2) the enactment, repeal, or amendment of an
amendment, or (3) the transmutation of an immutable rule into a mutable rule,
or vice versa. (Note: This definition implies that, at least initially, all
new rules are mutable. Immutable rules, as long as they are immutable, may
not be amended or repealed. No rule is absolutely immune to change.)

104. All rules changes proposed in the proper way shall be voted on. They
will be adopted if and only if they receive the required number of votes.

105. Every player is an eligible voter. Every eligible voter must
participate in every vote on rule changes.

106. Any proposed rule change must be written down before it is voted on.
If adopted, it must guide play in the form in which it was voted on.

107. No rule change may take effect earlier than the moment of the
completion of the vote that adopted it, even if its wording explicitly
states otherwise. No rule change may have retroactive application.

108. Each proposed rule change shall be given a rank-order number (ordinal
number) for reference. The numbers shall begin with 301, and each rule
change proposed in the proper way shall receive the next successive integer,
whether or not the proposal is adopted.
If a rule is repealed and then re-enacted, it receives the ordinal
number of the proposal to re-enact it. If a rule is amended or transmuted,
it receives the ordinal number of the proposal to amend or transmute it. If
an amendment is amended or repealed, the entire rule of which it is a part
receives the ordinal number of the proposal to amend or repeal the amendment.

109. Rule changes that transmute immutable rules into mutable rules may be
adopted if and only if the vote is unanimous among the eligible voters.

110. Mutable rules that are inconsistent in any way with some immutable rule
(except by proposing to transmute it) are wholly void and without effect.
They do not implicitly transmute immutable rules into mutable rules and at
the same time amend them. Rule changes that transmute immutable rules into
mutable rules will be effective if and only if they explicitly state their
transmuting effect.

111. If a rule change as proposed is unclear, ambiguous, paradoxical, or
destructive of play, or if it arguably consists of two or more rule changes
compounded or is an amendment that makes no difference, or if it is otherwise
of questionable value, the other players may suggest amendments or argue
against the proposal before the vote. A reasonable amount of time must be
allowed for this debate. The proponent decides the final form in which the
proposal is to be voted on and decides the time to end debate and vote. The
only cure for a bad proposal is prevention: a negative vote.

112. The state of affairs that constitutes winning may not be changed from
achieving n points to any other state of affairs. However, the magnitude of
n and the means of earning points may be changed, and rules that establish
a winner when play cannot continue may be enacted and (while they are
mutable) be amended or repealed.

113. A player always has the option to forfeit the game rather than continue
to play or incur a game penalty. No penalty worse than losing, in the
judgment of the player to incur it, may be imposed.

114. There must always be at least one mutable rule. The adoption of rule
changes must never become completely impermissible.

115. Rules changes that affect rules needed to allow or apply rule changes
are as permissible as other rule changes. Even rule changes that amend
or repeal their own authority are permissible. No rule change or type of
move is impermissible solely on account of the self-reference or
self-application of a rule.

116. Whatever is not explicitly prohibited or regulated by a rule is
permitted and unregulated, with the sole exception of changing the rules,
which is permitted only when a rule or set of rules explicitly or
implicitly permits it.


II. Mutable Rules.

201. Players shall alternate in clockwise order, taking one whole turn
apiece. Turns may not be skipped or passed, and parts of turns may not be
omitted. All players begin with zero points.

202. One turn consists of two parts, in this order (1) proposing one rule
change and having it voted on, and (2) throwing one die once and adding the
number of points on its face to one's score.

203. A rule change is adopted if and only if the vote is unanimous among
the eligible voters.

204. If and when rule changes can be adopted without unanimity, the players
who vote against winning proposals shall receive 10 points apiece.

205. An adopted rule change takes full effect at the moment of the
completion of the vote that adopted it.

206. When a proposed rule change is defeated, the player who proposed it
loses 10 points.

207. Each player always has exactly one vote.

208. The winner is the first player to achieve 100 (positive) points.

209. At no time may there be more than 25 mutable rules.

210. Players may not conspire or consult on the making of future rule
changes unless they are teammates.

211. If two or more mutable rules conflict with one another, or if two or
more immutable rules conflict with one another, then the rule with the
lowest ordinal number takes precedence.
If at least one of the rules in conflict explicitly says of itself that
it defers to another rule (or type of rule) or takes precedence over another
rule (or type of rule), then such provisions shall supersede the numerical
method for determining procedence [sic].
If two or more rules claim to take precedence over one another or to
defer to one another, then the numerical method must again govern.

212. If players disagree about the legality of a move or the interpretation
of a rule, then the player preceding the one moving is to be the Judge and
to decide the question. Disagreement, for the purposes of this rule, may be
created by the insistence of any player. Such a process is called _invoking
judgment_.
When judgment has been invoked, the next player may not begin his or
her turn without the consent of a majority of the other players, taken before
the next turn is begun. If a Judge's judgment is overruled, the player
preceding the Judge in the playing order becomes the new Judge for the
question, and so on, except that no player is to be Judge during his or her
own turn or during that of a teammate.
Unless a Judge is overruled, one Judge settles all questions arising
from the game until the next turn is begun, including questions as to his
or her own legitimacy and jurisdiction as Judge.
New Judges are not bound by the decisions of old Judges. New Judges
may, however, settle only those questions on which the players currently
disagree and that affect the completion of the turn in which judgment was
invoked. All decisions by Judges shall be in accordance with all the rules
then in effect; but when the rules are silent, inconsistent, or unclear on
the point at issue, then the Judge's only guides shall be common morality,
common logical, and the spirit of the game.

213. If the rules are changed so that further play is impossible, or if the
legality of a move is impossible to determine with finality, or if by the
Judge's best reasoning, not overruled, a move appears equally legal and
illegal, then the first payer who is unable to complete a turn is the winner.
This rule takes precedence over every other rule determining the winner.

How do you make a swiss role? push him down a hill!

Wgat grows but becomes smaller....?

A hole in the hedge...;)

Good king wensles last look out on the feast of stephen, silly fool he fell right out on a red hot cinder, brightly shone his ass that night though the frost was cruel,when a poor man came inside gathering winter fuuuuel,

I saw this on another forum/
a chap goes into a vets with his dog, he tells the vet that he thinks his dog is dead, the vet picked up the dog and placed it on a table,he looked over the dog and then picked up a cat,the cat sniffed the dog all over and then fell asleep,the vet said yes i am sorry but your dog is dead,please go and pay the bill,the chap went outside to pay the bill, he was told that it would be £300 he asked how did they get to that amount, they told him that it was £50 for the vet and £250 for the CAT SCAN.;)

Inspired by an earlier post:

Jesus, Daydreamer and a priest sits in a fishing boat in the middle of a lake. After a while Jesus gets bored so he climbs out of the boat and walks to the shore. Shortly after Daydreamer stands up and does the same. The priest watches in amazement as Daydreamer walks casually on the water to the shore, so he decides to try it himself. The priest climbs out of the boat and immidiatly sinks and drowns. On the shore Jesus walks up to Daydreamer and says: "Why didn't you tell him about the stones?" Daydreamer raises his eyebrows and says: "What stones?".


It is a true story... really... i promise:D

BLASTOFF, great jokes.:p

Thanks for the good laugh.

Goes for Daydreamer too, man what nonsens...:D

What do smart blondes and U.F.O's have in common?


You always hear about them but you never see them!

Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman was going back to his car, he saw the other two professors on the floor in the back seat...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 166."

why did the terrorist cross the road?

he didnt he got ran over by some marines:D

Did you hear about the bald headed guy,who painted rabbits on his head,because they looked like (hares) from a distance.:p

Did you hear about the irish spacemen that wanted to go to the sun,when they where told that they could not go to the sun as it was too hot, they said they had worked that out and they where going at night:D

What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than the other??

I - lean

Chap goes into a garage and asks can of BP, the attendent says i dont know sir but can a flea fart./think about it.;)

Dave went to his local lotto center to check his ticket. When the clerk checked his ticket Dave was told that he had won 5 million dollars. Dave went right home. When he saw his wife he said, I just won the lottery and I am going now to collect my winnings. I want you to be packed before I get back. His wife very excitedly ask, "What should I pack, warm or cold weather clothes? Dave looked at her and said "I don’t care as long as your are gone when I get home."

Two sausages were lying side by side in an oven. One sausage spoke up and said "it sure is getting hot in here." The other sausage screamed in abject terror ' AHHHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!!"

What do you give someone with water on the brain,a tap on the head.:rolleyes:

Years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things:
1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Nothing. Not a single note for page after page;
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, favored by local musicians.
It was decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts they'd quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking (and feeling) dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious!
And why not? After all.....It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

A man arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Episcopalian."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.

"Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates.

"Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."


found this one at
http://www.paganlibrary.com/humor/index.php

How do you put a cow in the fridge?

Open the door, put cow in the fridge, close the door...

How do you put a horse in the fridge?

Take out the cow, put the horse in and close the door.

How do you know if you've an elephant in the fridge?


Footprints in the butter.

The following is true. I heard it on the news and thought it was pretty funny.

Drake's Equation is a formula worked out by the good people at SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence), coincidentally enough by a man named Drake. The purpose of the formula is to determine the possibility of intelligent, civilized, and technologically developed life on other planets. Dr. Drake admits that he is using what we on this planet know about such things as life, intelligence, and civilization, and agrees that there are possible life forms that could exist completely outside of his equation, but he figured it was a good place to start.

It goes like this:

N=RfpNeflfifcL
where:
N=Number of potential extraterrestrial contactees
R=Rate of systems being created
fp=Frequency of planets within those systems
Ne=Number of planets with liveable environments
fl=Frequency of life on those planets
fi=Frequency of intelligence in that life
fc=Frequency of civilization in that intelligence
L=Level of technology in that civilization.

The Pioneer Space Probe passed by Earth during its cycle and the boys and girls at NASA fed Drake's Equation to Pioneer. The probe returned the data that Earth held no intelligent life.

You may read into this what you will.

Originally posted by Oxygen



The Pioneer Space Probe passed by Earth during its cycle and the boys and girls at NASA fed Drake's Equation to Pioneer. The probe returned the data that Earth held no intelligent life.





You may read into this what you will. You're half right; pioneer analysed the atmosphere and the planetary radiation, and came to the conclusion that there was no intelligent life. Nothing to do with drake's equation (which I've got on a web page if you want to play with it - http://robertelliott.org/science/drake ).



Just so this isn't a total waste: a joke.

A man died, and went to hell. He was greeted by the devil, who showed him around. Our friend was aghast; hell was a paradise. Beautiful beaches, hot sunshine, bikini-clad women and manly men abound. Then he noticed a volcano in the distance. Seeing as it was a nice day for a walk, he wandered over, and was appalled when he looked inside. There were millions of people, writhing in torment as the molten lava scalded them.



"What's that?" he asked the devil.

"Oh, that's for the catholics. They insisted.".

I'm studying to be an astronaut....

I'm taking up space.

Confusius say,"Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."

Originally posted by wet1
Confusius say,"Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
LOL!
Funny cause it´s true (?) :)

This guy goes to hell, and satan says to him there are three rooms. You gotta go into one of 'em and stay for all eternity.
Satan opens the door to the first room and inside theres an imp and lots of people having strips of flesh torn off them.
The guy shakes his head and satan opens he second door.
Inside theres a load of people and a Djinn with a flame thrower showering them with fire.
The guy shakes hi head and satan opens the third door.
Inside theres a load of people up to their waists in shit, just standing there drinking tea with a demon in front of them. The guy says 'in here, in here', so satan shoves him in and closes the door.Everyone puts their cups down, as the demon says
'Right. Breaktime over. Back on your heads!

~~~~~~

A blode, a brunette and a red head are running from the police when they duck into a bar. Hearing the police following them, they run into the back room and each hides in an empty sack.

The police come in and kick the first sack, containing the brunette, so she goes 'woof woof'. Thinking the sack contains a dog the police move to the second, containing the red head, and kick it. She goes 'Meow'. Thinking the sack contains only kittens, the police move to the third sack, containing the blonde.
The startled offices kick the sack to hear 'potatoes'.

Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

Why do golfers wear two pair's of pants? just in case they get a hole in one.:p

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

A farmer wanted to sell his old tractor so he put this ad in the paper...

For sale: one used tractor, has no seat and no steering wheel. Perfect for those who have their head up their ass and don't know which way to turn.

Wow!!!
Many very good jokes!!!


_________________________________________________
Relaxing..........................

Originally posted by rde
How do you know if you've an elephant in the fridge?


Footprints in the butter.


HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,

Did you make that from previous one?if yes,man that was Kool.

hey WET1 ,

the decomposing one was pretty good...

continue the submissions,they are indeed relaxing,its good that this thread was started...

:D
bye!

The class asignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.
Little Irving got up to read his:"Papa fell in the well last week-" he began. "Good heavens", shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he alright now?"
"He must be", said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?


Because they taste funny

What do you call a boy who eats his mother and father?



An orphan.

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer.
He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in! ! !"

You don't want the S.P.S getting on your case, do you?

Take care.



(Society for the Protection of Sharks)

Originally posted by Chagur
You don't want the S.P.S getting on your case, do you?

Take care.

(Society for the Protection of Sharks)

INET identity Chagur. You are threatening on of our highest rank members. Please reconsider taking further actions against him.

S.P.S.K.



Society for the Protection of Shark Killers

Take care and be careful!
:D

:D ... :eek: ... :D ... :confused: ... :D

I'll try. ;)

Take care.

Society for the Protection of Shark Killers ???

My goodness, I hadn't thought of that, thank you, as it reminds me of...

What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with two empty seats?


A waste....

How do you call split feelings?

Seeing your mother-in-law falling from a cliff in your new Porsche:D

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

What a horrible, horrible, horrible joke!

Couldn't you have had her go over the cliff in a new Beemer or Mercedes? :D

Take care.

PS Previous owner of a 357 '57 Porsche Speedster. ;)

A simple method for rating potentially revolutionary contributions to physics.

A -5 point starting credit.

1 point for every statement that is widely agreed on to be false.
2 points for every statement that is clearly vacuous.
3 points for every statement that is logically inconsistent.
5 points for each such statement that is adhered to despite careful correction.
5 points for using a thought experiment that contradicts the results of a widely accepted real experiment.
5 points for each word in all capital letters (except for those with defective keyboards).
10 points for each claim that quantum mechanics is fundamentally misguided (without good evidence).
10 points for each favorable comparison of oneself to Einstein, or claim that special or general relativity are fundamentally misguided (without good evidence).
10 points for pointing out that one has gone to school, as if this were evidence of sanity.
20 points for suggesting that you deserve a Nobel prize.
20 points for each favorable comparison of oneself to Newton or claim that classical mechanics is fundamentally misguided (without evidence).
20 points for every use of science fiction works or myths as if they were fact.
20 points for defending yourself by bringing up (real or imagined) ridicule accorded to one's past theories.
30 points for each favorable comparison of oneself to Galileo, claims that the Inquisition is hard at work on one's case, etc..
30 points for claiming that the "scientific establishment" is engaged in a "conspiracy" to prevent one's work from gaining its well-deserved fame, or suchlike.
40 points for claiming one has a revolutionary theory but giving no concrete testable predictions.

Let me be the first to welcome you to Sciforums ....

And your great initial post! Still laughing.

Take care. ;)

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

QUESTION- How do you recognize the difference between pornography and Britney Spears clips?

ANSWER-pornography clips have better music:D

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to shit!"

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"


The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."


Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.


I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"


I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor."
The guy said "Is that to go?"
I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"


At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.


Oh, yes...I've tried my hand at sex.


My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.


People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.


Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"


When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.


I'm a great lover, I'll bet.


Women. You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.


The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.


I was driving down the highway, and I'm swerving all over, coz I'm trying to change the radio, and just as I get the old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind me, "Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo!" Well, I shouldn't make fun of his speech impediment. He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do, then he asks me, "You call that a straight line?" Well, I should have said, I *should* have said, "Yes." But I was nervous and the only thing I could think of was "Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you'll ever come to a straight line is if they do an electroencephalagram of your own brainwave."


I was walking down the street. Something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.

flamethrower-That's wrong! That's just plain wrong! ROFLMAO! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

My boss told me this one (of course, he's a USMarine, so that probably explains it):

A Marine comes back from overseas and decides that he'd better catch up on the niceties of life to re-integrate himself into society. He starts off at a sex education class. The instructor asks his first question of the class.

"How many different sexual positions can you name?"

The Marine shoots his hand up from the back of the class and begins calling out; "Fifty-two! Fifty-two! Fifty-two!"

The instructor smiles. "I'm sure you do, but let's let someone else answer for right now."

The instructor selects a lovely young lady from the front row and asks her to answer the question. She hesitatingly answers; "Um, I only know of one, and that's the missionary position."

"Very good," says the instructor. "Can you describe it?"

"Um, yeah. It's when the woman lays down and spreads her legs and the man gets on top of her. They face each other and, um, do it."

Before the instructor can reply, the Marine's hand shoots upwards again. The Marine begins calling out "Fifty-three! Fifty-three! Fifty-three!"

Why does everyone lay sexual inexperience on the Marines?

They're part of the Navy too (most of the time that is). :D

But truly, that joke was old when I was young ... and that was a long, long time ago.

Thanks, and take care. ;)

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

WET1,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Great Joke man.great joke.


bye!

From the BBC:

A man had a dog called Minton. One day Minton ate two shuttlecocks. When the owner found out, he said: "bad Minton".

A guy walked in to a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth; and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

Chagur-Well, it was told to me by a Marine, for whatever that's worth. :D But if you want old ones, here's one I saw scribbled in faded ink in the front of a physiology book dated for 1901. The student who used this book had a strange fascination with tiny brown dots found throughout the book, which he laboriously circled and labelled "fly specks". I'm glad to see that slackers aren't a product solely of the late 20th century. Anyway, our Professor of Fly Specks had, as so many students even to this day are fond of doing, written some grafitti in the front of his book:

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Well, it's rather obvious she couldn't go around it.

Beneath it was written by the same hand: "I hope I didn't lay an egg with that one."

The army go to war,and dont take a lot of ammo with them,and on the fourth day they run out, so the sarge tells them to point there fingers at the enemy and say bang bang,the soliders looked at him and thought hes gone potty,but then the enemy came over the hill,and so the soliders did as they where told and pointed there fingers and shouted bang bang, and then to there surprise the enemy droped down dead, so this went on for a day,the enemy came over the hill and the soliders pointed and shouted bang bang and down they went, untill this one enemy solider came into sight they all pointed there fingers and shouted bang bang, nothing happened so they did it again nothing happened it was not untill he got close to them that they found out why he did not die, as they pointed there fingers and said bang, bang, he was saying tank,tank,:p

I guy walks into a health spa and he sees a sign: Lose 10, 20 or 30 pounds!. So he looks down at his belly and decides to try the to lose 10 pounds. So after paying the clerk, she escorts him back to a room and tells him to remove all clothing and sit on a bed. He suspiciously removes his clothing. after sitting on the bed for two minutes, a beatiful girl walks in with a sign around here neck and the sigh read: If you catch me, you get to have your way with me. So, he chaces her around the room, catches her, and has his way with her. Afterwards he climbs on the scale and , by god, he has lost 10 LB. Two weeks later he walks in and decides to try the 20 LB plan. The clerk escorts him to a back room and asks him to take off his cloths and sit on the table. He quickly removes his cloths and and even more beautiful girl walks in with the same sign around her neck. He chaces her around and around and around untill finally he catches her and has his way with her. He climbs on the scale and, by god, he lost 20 LB. The following week he walks in, decides to try the 30 LB plan since the first two were fantastic. He pays the clerk and does the same rountine. As he is sitting on the bed, the door opens and a gorrilla walks in with a sign around it's neck reading: "If I catch you, I get to have my way with you".

Red Neck Vasectomy,

There was this fella who lived in Alabama, who married his cousin. One day it dawned on him that he could no longer make his dream come true of having a double wide trailer. He has 11 kids. He panics and goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor of his woes and his 11 children and says, “Doc, you gotta do something to help me out!”

Well the Doc is an ol’ country boy, who doctors mules as a side line. He tells the Red Neck, “Go home, getta beer can, light a cherry bomb, put it in the can, hold it up to your ear and count to ten.” “That’ll take care of your problem.”

The Red Neck tells the Doc, “Doc, I ain’t the brightest candle on the cake but I fail to see where that is going to help me, I gotta get a second opinion!”

So, Red Neck drives all the way to Georgia where he seeks a second opinion. That Doctor was going to tell him about vasectomy when he learns the Red Neck is from Alabama. He tells Red Neck, “Go home, getta beer can, light a cherry bomb, put it in the can, hold it up to your ear and count to ten.” “That’ll take care of your problem.”

Well, Red Neck has been told the same thing by two learned men so he is going to go home and discover something new. So he gets home and gets his beer can. He lights his cherry bomb and puts it in the can. He holds it up to his ear and starts counting to ten. At five, he pauses and puts the can between his legs so that he can finish counting on the other hand.

What's the definition of a motorbike?
Something hot & throbbing between your legs.
:D :D

Did you hear the one about the man taking his spastic dog for a drag round the Park.

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs in a swimming pool ?

Bob

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs in a in a pile of leaves?

Russell

What do you call a woman with egg & bacon on her head?

Kath

Did you hear about the Owl sitting on the chimney smoking his pipe!

:D :D :D

this was voted the funniest joke in the world on an online poll somewheres i read about it in the paper.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are going on a camping trip...

they find a perfect place to camp, they pitch their tent and eat dinner then go into their tent and go to sleep...a few hours later Watson is woken by Holmes shakeing his arm. Holmes asks him as he points starward "look up there at those stars, Watson, what do you deduce?" Watson replies "they are an infinite number of stars, a few with planets orbiting around them. and a few of those planets might be like earth and have life on them."
Holmes replies with "No Watson, you idiot! Someone stole our tent!"

I liked this one because im a fan of sherlockian literature:D

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

so this baby seal walks into a club....

wet1- And you're sitting there writing them.:D

:D :D :D :D

What can I say? I always cracked my ex. up. :D

Take care ;)

The police find a dead body in a bath of cornflakes,the police are looking for a cereal killer.:rolleyes:

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

That was great.ROFL
:D :D :D :D :D :D

A ventriloquist stops to entertain some people in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid George W. jokes, when George W. himself walks up.
"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating George W. jokes!" He says. "What makes you think you can stereotype me that way? What does a person's knowledge of geography and world politics have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep people like me from being respected at work and in my community. I'm as smart as anyone else and..."
The ventriloquist begins to apologize, when George W. stops him. "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little smart aleck on your knee!"

Two country hicks decided to try their hand at ranching. After accessing the situtation it was decided that they needed a better breeding bull. So Joe finds an ad for a bull and decides to go get it.

When Joe gets there he finds out the farmer wants $500 for the bull. Joe has $502. So he buys the bull but does not have enough money to buy gas for the trip home. So he thinks to send Jim a message by telegram to come help out.

At the telegraph office he finds out the cost is $1 to send a telegram and $1 per word. So he thinks a while and comes up with a message. He tells the telegraph operator to send the message consisting of the word “comfortable”.

The telegraph operator says, “You’re the boss!” and sends the message. But the operator doesn’t see how this is going to help Joe.

Joe tells the operator, “Jim don’t read like most folks. He’s going to get this message and it will make sense to him. He will read it as come-for-the-bull.”

A blonde and her boyfriend went to a play together. When they walked in the door the blonde started laughing histerically. The boyfriend couldn't figure out why. When he asked her what was SO funny she replied "All of those people are named Usher"

It's not really that funny, I guess you have to know the person that it happened to. :p

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

...and in case you have heard that one.

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

have heard it, but nice of you to remind.
one of my favourites

In that case how about this one...

Hillary arrives at the pearly gates only to find that they have erected a hall to cut down on the crowd at the gate. She is directed to go in and they will call her when they are ready.

She goes in and finds that the hall is lined with clocks from top to bottom. She goes to the receptionist and asks, "What's with all the clocks? None of them are on the same time."

The receptionist laughs and says, "Those are special clocks. They measure the adulterest events in peoples lives. Everytime an event happens the hands for their clock advance."

She says, "Oh!" And returns to the hall.

After a long time she comes back and asks, "Where's Bill's? I don't see his anywhere!"

The recptionists answers, "Oh, that one! Well we keep that one in the office for a fan."

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

ahhh! I loved it!!!

OK, my joke

Tom, Dick and Harry walk into a local Walmart. There they see a sign announcing a grand raffle, and they decide to enter. A week later they find out that Tom won 1st, a years supply of spaghetti, Dick won 2nd, a years supply of spaghetti sauce, and Harry won 6th, a toilet brush. A while later they are together in a bar and they start a conversation. Dick asked Tom how he is enjoying his prize, Tom replys that he is enjoying it a lot b/c he really likes spaghetti. Then Tom asks Harry how he likes his prize. Harry replys "not too well, I think I will stick to toilet paper"

It's lame I know....but hey:D
-JS

ALright, so theres this old folks home. And its time for everyone to take their daily medication. So the nurse walks in a reads off the first name on the cup... Larry Weisman... Larry? She loks over to a corner of the room and sees Larry sitting indian style and holding holding an invisible steering wheel. "Larry!", she yells. "Larry!!.... Larry!!" Finally he yells " what??". "What are you doing?" she asks. "He replies " Im driving to Florida". So she hands him his pills and leaves for lunch. She comes in the next day for the same purpose and she notices Larry is still in the same position in the corner. "Larry!" she yells. "Larry?!.... Larry!!!" "WHAT???" he replies. "what are you DOING??" she asks. he replies " I told you im driving to Florida!" So she moves on to the next person. Fred.... . she looks over to the other side of the room and sees Fred in the other corner and sees Fred, pants to his ankles, grunting and humping the corner. "FRED!!?? she yells. He replies "WHAT?" SHe yells " WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
"he replies " Im fuckin Larrys wife while he's in Florida.

WHAT AM I ???
.
.
.
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely reconize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. when finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from it's long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emenating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully, reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
What am I?

As you may have already guessed,
the answer...
to the riddle...
is none other...
than your very own..........................
.…
….
….
….
….
….
….
….
Toothbrush....................................

what were you thinking?

You pervert !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D :D

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.

"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.

"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.

"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.

"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

Three guys are sent to the gullitine, one an english man, one a scotish man, and one an irish man, the english man went up to the gullitine and asked to be put on his back, so he could see the blade come down, they did this and then the handle was pulled and the blade fell, but it stoped just before it hit him, so they let him go, so the scotish man asked the same he wanted to see the blade, and so they did it again, they laid him on his back, then they puled the handle and the blade stoped just before it hit him,so they let him go, so the irish man thought that he would do the same, he asked to face the blade, so they laid him on his back, and just before they puled the handle, he shouted" stop i can see what is stopping it":p

A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. He examines the baby and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed." she answers.

"Well, strip down to your waist." He orders.

She does. He presses both breasts, pinches them both, and then says, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt, but I'm sure glad I came!"

How do you get a picachoo on an bus? Poke-em-on.

Giraffe walks into a bar, looks around and calls out, "Hey everyone! Highballs on me!"

(boom-cha!)

What is the speed limit of sex?

68. Because at 69 you have to turn around!!:D

Why did the blond have sex with a mexican?

Because her teacher told her to go home and do an essay!!:D

The mark of a successful married man is one who makes enough money to buy all the things his wife wants.

The mark of a successful married woman is finding such a man.

-----------------
A married man should forget everything he has done wrong.

No since in two keeping track of the same thing.

Boudrouex came down to the edge of the bayou every day, shook his fist and hollered, “ One of these days I’m gonna come over dar and stomp a hole in your backside, Clarence!”

Clarence, who lived on the other side of the bayou would shake his head, not say anything, and go inside his house.

This went on for some time till one day they started building a bridge over the bayou.

Then Boudrouex came out and said, “Clarence, when they finish this bridge, I’m gonna come over dar and stomp a hole in your backside!”

Clarence shook his head, didn’t say anything, and went on inside.

Then they finished the bridge.

Boudrouex, he tell his wife, “I’m a gonna go over dar and stomp a hole in Clarence’s backside!”
His wife, she say, “Dat nice, you have a good time.”

So, Boudrouex, he take off for de bridge. He gone for 5 minutes and he come back home.

His wife, she say, “Wall, you got dat out o’ your system now?”

Boudrouex, he say, “I didn’t make it across de bridge. Dat Clarence, he bigger dan he look! Day a sign over dat bridge say Clarence 14 foot 4”!!!!”

Murphy's Technology Law #1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law #5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law #6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law #7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #9:
All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law #10:
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #13:
New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #14:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law #15:
We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law #16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 Years make.

This is only a saying but try it, you have to say it fast,
If a fella sees a fella in a field of fitches could a fella tell a fella where a fella itches,how many Fs in that. the answer is none there are no Fs in that, T.H.A.T. :bugeye:

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Achap goes into the unemployment office and askes for a job, the only job going today says the office official said was working in a toilet,the chap said ok it's a job,so the official filled out the job form and told the chap to sign his name, the chap said sorry i carn't i carn't write, what do you mean you carn't write, said the official, i carn;t write said the chap, well in that case i carn't offer you the job, sorry about that here is a pound, the chap took the pound and went out side, he saw another chap selling apples, he bought four for a pound, and he sold them for £1.50 he then bought 6 apples and sold them on for a profit, by the time 6 months went passed he had bought himself a fruit barrow, and was doing very well for himself, by 12 months he had made a million pounds,so a friend told him to put it in the bank, so he took it round to the bank and asked to put his money into a good account, which the bank manager was only to glad to do, he took the chaps money filled out the forms and asked the chap to sign his name, the chap said he was sorry but he could not as he could not write, the bank manager siad what do you mean you carn't write, i carn't wrtie said the chap, the bank manager siad well just imagine what you would have been if you could have writen,yes the chap answered a bloody shit house worker.;)

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

How do you get an elephant in a fridge in three steps? step 1 open fridge door/ step 2 push elephant into fridge/ step 3 close fridge door/ simple.

How do you get an elephant to follow you? act like a nut.:p

Really great that.harharhar
:D :D :D :D

Jesus call's his apostles and says. Humans on earth are suffernig from drug addiction. let us help them. but first we have to find out what drugs are. bring me a sample of each.
So they go.
.................................................!
Jesus hears knocks at heaven door.
Who's there?
Mathew.
Come in, what did you bring?
Weed.

Jesus let in it's me Peter.
What have you got?
Coke.
Ok

Jesus it's me, Judas.
Jesus opens the door and sees FIB guys from anti-drug department by his back.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE-HANDS BY THE WALLS AND LEGS WIDE!
YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR DRUG DEALING!

farmer joe, had bought a new rooster, the man who sold it to him warned him to watch it...the farmer paid no attention ...
he let the rooster go, and in a matter of hours the rooster managed to hump all the chickens in the coup...
he then moved on to the ducks, and geese..
a while later the farmer then found the rooster lying on the ground,
with vultures flying above.
joe said "you poor bird, you should have slowed down"
then the rooster replied "shhh!, they're getting closer"

I simply can't laugh enough seeing this picture.

WARNING ADULT MATERIAL, do not open if under 18 :D;)->

Love the jokes everyone! Keep em coming......

Why are women like gales.......?
Well they're wet and windy when they come......
and they take your house and car when they go!!!
(sorry girls!)
.......................................

Little boys in the bath with his grandad.....He says
"grandad...why is the hair down their black and the hair on your head grey?"
so grandad says "I aint got no worries down their,son!"

.......................................

Three mice sitting in a pub,talking about how tough they are....
first one says "well...the other day i saw some cheese in a mouse trap..you know what i did? i took that damn cheese and did 10 bench presses with the TRAP!"
the other two mice nod appreciatevly then the second one says
"yeah thats tough but the other day right - I found some rat poison - so i cut it up real fine....made a nice couple of little lines and snorted the stuff up both nostrils"
the last mouse gets up and says
"Im tired of this bollox - I'm going home.........to fuck the cat!"

...........................................

A bloke walks in the pub saus to the barmaid "I'll have an orange juice" so the barmaid says "still orange" and the guy says "well I have'nt changed my goddam mind"


............................................

hope you enjoyed!

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom and then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there are no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up and then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

Four girls went to a five story building, and it was for females only they went to a lift they went to the first floor, they saw a sign saying short and thin, so they went to the second floor, they saw a sign saying short and fat, they went to the third floor, they saw a sign saying long and thin, they went to the fourth floor, they saw a sign saying long and fat, one girl said lets see what is on the fifth floor, so they went to the fifth floor they saw a sign saying, there is nothing on this floor, it is just to prove that women are never satisfied.:p :p

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

An old rooster is sitting in the yard one day when all of the sudden the farmer brings in a brand new younger rooster. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "sorry pop, your days are numbered now that I am here".

The old rooster looks at the young rooster and says "you know, you don't look that tough to me, why don't you see if you can beat me in a race. Given that I am an old rooster, you should still be able to beat me even if you give me a little bit of a lead. We will try 3 laps around the yard. You give me a three second start and then try to beat me around the yard. And one more thing, just to impress the hens, you need to yell the whole way around the yard like I do."

The young rooster agrees and they get ready for the race. On the count of three, the race is on and the old rooster takes off running around the yard cackling at the top of his lungs. The young rooster counts to three and heads out after him cackling at the top of his lungs. As the first lap draws to a close, the young rooster is somewhat surprised that the old rooster is still in the lead.

The farmer, hearing the ruckus, looks out his window at the yard. Upon seeing the roosters running around the yard, the farmer grabs his shotgun and rushes outside. As the young rooster is completing the second lap he has almost caught the old rooster when he suddenly looks up and sees the farmer pointing the shotgun at him.

Boom! The farmer blows away the young rooster and walks away saying to himself "Damn, got another gay rooster…"

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

Quote of the Day
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.

Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field! The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."

A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism
in his class. He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in
having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe
in having only one wife. This is called monotony ."

A doctor was with a patient and went to write out a prescription for some tablets, he reached into his pocket for his pen,but pulled out a thermometer he looked at the patient and said : this is just great some ass hole has my pen:;)

Great Jokes! :D

Here are some:

A boy and a girl were going out and decided to go to the movies to watch a comedie. The movie was so funny that each one peed in each other hands...
______________________________________________

A guy and a girl were crazily driving a car in a highway. Then, the guy was distracted by the girl and crashed the car. The girl wasn't with the seat belt and flew away. The guy was "unharmed" in the car. Someone that saw the accident came to him and said: You are really lucky! You are unharmed here and the girl is dead! And the guy replied: Really!? Go there and see what she is holding...
______________________________________________

When the Portuguese (at my home country we consider them dumb) heard about the World Trade Center they said to themselves: Let's destroy all our buildings and airplanes to prevent another disaster...
______________________________________________

This were the News in Portugal yesterday:
A mail airplane has fallen in the biggest graveyard near Lisbon. Thousands of bodies have already been found...
______________________________________________

At the hospital:
Doctor: What's your problem?

Patient: Errr... you know... that thing...

Doctor: "Oh! I see... What's the problem?

Patient: "It's the size of a 5 year old boy..."

Doctor: "This big?" (showing with his fingers...)

Patient: "No... this big.." (showing with his hands the height of a 5 year old boy...)



Well... that's enough for now... :D

Blessings,
Nelson

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.

what do you call a legless spanish footballer?

Grasias!

A chap goes into a chemists to buy some condoms, the girl behind the counter asks him what size, he says he does not know, she tells him that they have a shed out the back with holes in so he can find out, so he goes out back, sees the shed, and goes in, by this time the girl from behind the counter had got to the side of the shed and has backed up to one of the holes, the chap trys the holes in turn but so does the girl, after he had finished he went back into the chemist tne girl was waiting for him,she asked what size he wanted, he told her not to both with the condoms, he asked how much was the shed out back.:o

Wet1,


hahahahahahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahah ahahahahahahhah
ahahhahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahhhaha ahha...
I cant stop laughing on that Satn joke,engineer...staff...great joke man.


bye!

How many letters are in the alphabet? do you think 26? you are wrong there is only 22, because JR got shot and ET went home.:rolleyes:

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

Dinner Conversations

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don´t you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn´t you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I´d get married again.

WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she´s left-handed.

WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: Crap

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly
enters the front door of an erotic sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily
wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,
replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry
many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy
aaa pppinkk onnee,tttenn inchessss lllong andd
aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff

A man goes to the clinic to give a sperm sample. Armed with a gym bag, he is escorted to a private room by a nurse who leaves with a cup and instructs him to leave his sample at the desk out front. After she leaves, he pulls out of the gym bag a couple of magazines and gets to work. After capping off his sample jar he places his magazines in his gym bag and withdraws a ski mask and pistol. Checking the load in his pistol, he cocks it and pulls the ski mask in place over his head.
He heads out to the front desk and places the sample jar on the desk. Drawing his gun and pointing it at the receptionist head he yells "DRINK IT!!!!"
"What???" say the startled receptionist.
"I said drink it or I'll blow your fucking head off!!!!" says the man.
The panicked receptionist quickly drains the contents of the sample jar and looks up at the man, still frightened.
The man pulls off the ski mask, revealing himself as her husband and says "Now, was that so bad??"


One of my all time favorites, originally told by Alan King.

This guy is walking past a weight loss clinict and sees a sign saying "lose 10kg for $10"

he thinks "what the hell" and goes in

He gives the reseptionest $10 and she says "first door on the left"

He goes in and sees a beautiful naked woman who says "if you can catch me you can fuck me"

He chaces her, catches her and when he is finished he gets on the scales and he had lost 10Kg

He thinks this is great and comes back the next day and gives $20 and is told to go to the door at the end of the coridor on the right

In there is the most BEAUTIFUL girl in the world
she says "if you can catch me you can fuck me"
when he's finished he finds he's lost 20kg

He thinks "this is great" and goes back the next day and pays $100

He is told to go all the way into the basement

I goes in and it is all dark

The door locks behind him

1000 lights come on

and there is a gorrila with a sign around its neck saying "If i can catch you i can fuck you"

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad; Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a hurricane. He loop-legs through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"


Peace.

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thats a good one!
:D :D :D

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.


Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"


What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? "Nice tooth!"



Peace

A priest, a lawyer, and a policeman are visiting an orphanage on
career day. Without warning, a fire suddenly begins to spread
through the halls.

As everyone runs terrified from the building, the policeman
exclaims, "The children, we must save the children!"

The lawyer then screams out, "Screw the children!"

To which the priest replied, "Do you think we have time?"


:bugeye:

superman was flying around over the roof tops, when he saw wonder woman lying on her back sun bathing, he thought to him self, i would like a bit of that, but he thought how, then it came to him, i am superman, i can fly down do her and be away before she knows what has happened, so he does flys down does her and off he goes, wonder woman wakes up and says what the hell was that, the invisable man said i dont know but my asshole is killing me.:D :D

Man to God: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"

God to Man: "So you would love her."

Man to God: "But why did you make her so dumb?"

God to Man: "So that she would love you."
_______________________________________________

The Geography of Women (and Men)

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 -35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 a woman is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 and 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all-conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

One winter day, a man walked outside after a church service. He
was startled when he saw two altar boys lying face down, pants
around their ankles, with their penises in the snow.

The man exclaimed, "What on earth are you two doing?!"

One altar boy looked up at the man and said, "Father Bietighofer
always likes to down a couple cold ones after Mass."

Two guys walked into a bar. Why was the second one a moron?







because he didn't see the first guy do it

A conversation between God and the average Joe:



Man: God? What is a million years like to you?
God: To me, a million years is like a second.
Man: God? What is million dollars to you?
God: To me, a million dollars is like a penny.
Man: God? Can I have a penny?
God: Yeah. Just a second. :D

Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".

4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reserv