Please help wanted: A place for the “natural” Medicine!!


A guy goes to the Doctor;
.. Doctor I have a terrible pain on my lower leg,
The doctor checks him and prescribes some tablets, saying;
You take two every day for the next 4 days and after that you can go to work.

Oh! Thank you, thank you doctor you are really fantastic, not only you gona cure me but also find me a job!!
_______

A guy with a severe loss of hair comes to see the doctor;
…Doctor can you give me something to preserve my hair?
The doctor turns around; yes sure by all means, you can use that empty shoe box over there!
________

The Gynecologist comes to the patient as says;
Mrs ….I have good news for you..
The lady promptly replies, ohnn no doctor it is Miss
The Doctor replies, Ohn pardon, then I think I have bad news for you!!
____
Doctor to Patient;
I’m afraid I have some bad news and some good news;
What’s the bad news? Doc: Well we accidentally amputated the wrong leg.
..The good news? Doc: Well your other leg seems to be improving.
______

Doctor to patient:
…Well you should have come to see me earlier.
Yes I know, ..its just that I went to see a faith-healer.
And what stupid advice did that faith-healer gave you??
Patient: ...That I should come to see you!!
______

The Drunken husband (lipstick all over the face) comes home at 6 am. The wife is already waiting for at the door.
….Dear, …May I ask what brings you home at this time???

The husband replies while trying to stay straight; Yes, darling, Breakfast!!
_____

Doctor what can I do this vacation so that my wife doesn’t get pregnant??
Doctor: Well take her with you!!

:o

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he
visits one of the classes.They are in the middle of a discussion related
to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the
discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the
class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next
door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a
GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush
searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says,
"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile
and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that
would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

don't you just love nerd jokes:D

i know too many jokes.... so im just going post my fav one of all

What did the banana say to the dildo? What are you shaking for shes going eat me!!!

Tina gets hail damage on her car, so she takes it down to the smash repairs.. "How do I get rid of the dents?", she asks,
and the guy jokingly says, "Take it home, and blow into the exhaust as hard as you can". Tina thanks him and rushes home.
Lorna, her best friend comes home to find Tina on her hands and knees blowing into the exhaust and she says "What the hell are you doing Tina?!" and Tina replies, "I'm trying to get rid of the dents". Lorna thought for a moment and said "Oh no silly, you gotta have the windows wound up first". :confused:

Police observed how a car was driving doing S's a long the highway, at times almost completing straight circles. They stop the car, and a policeman approach the vehicle,…

Good evening sir, this is a control. Have been drinking alcohol?

Driver: Well officer,. hips..hip, yeah. At Matilda’s Pub I had about 6 or 8 beers, then Robert showed up, hips,..and had about 6 whiskies, hips,..and then with sweaty Laura, I had about,..hips…5 bacardisomethings, hips, ..that..that’s all.

Officer: I’m afraid I have to check that, could you please blow in this……

Driver: But why,. don’t you believe me???
:o

A guy asks his blond girlfriend to give him a blowjob, she agrees (with question mark on her face) to do it. ….Moments later, the buy yells while his balls are growing and eyes about to pop-out,…..Can you stop taking my words literarily!!!:D

At a shopping mall two guys crash their pushcart. Ups, I’m sorry says one, ..the other one. No, no it was my fault, I wasn’t looking. I have lost my wife and am looking for her. Oh that's funny, I’m also looking for my lady. Say, may be we can help each other, how does your wife look like??

…Well, she has long blond hair with beautiful blue eyes, her legs are astonishing, she’s wears a dark blue dress to knee-height with a split on the side, her rear is just fabulous and her breast, a real devil’s temptation. …..say and your lady, how she looks like??

Oh,.. don’t worry about it, let’s find yours first!!
:o

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang."Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said.

"This is Paddy from Dublin, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Cahan, my next door neighbour Keenan, and the entire darts team from the local public house. That makes eight"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have one million men In my army waiting to move on my command."

"Bloody Hell " said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.

"Mr. Hussein, it is Paddy, I'm calling from Dublin, Ireland, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Keeley’s tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."

"Oh feck! ....." said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.

"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Keeley’s tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the village’s generator. Four boys from Co.Armagh have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Bugger...." said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Hello, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of bottles, and decided there's no way we can feed two million Prisoners Of War."



:o

What do you call the fellow leaning on the shovel? Doug.

What do you call the fellow who is not leaning on the shovel?
Douglass.


Not ripped off or copyrighted from anyone in particular. Hmmm.
:rolleyes:

What do you call a man rolling around in the leaves? Russel.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the pool? Bob.

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his nose? Warren.

What do you call a brunette between two blondes? A translator.

Two blondes are talking, from either side of a river. One says "How do I get to the other side?" The second says "You're aleady on the other side!"

How do you stop a bonde from drowing? Take the glass of water out of her hand.

How do you stop a lawyer drowning? Take your foot off his head.

What do you call twenty lawyers chained together on the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

(I tried to stay away from the offensive material.)

Driving along a two lane rural highway, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The owner takes the guy around into the backyard where he sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Finally, retired and did the talk show circuit.

The guy is amazed. He takes the owner off to the side and asks what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "Cause he's just a damned liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Thanks everyone I have really enjoyed all of your jokes..brill
fecking marvellous!!:D :D :D

A Blondie goes to see her Ophthalmologist;

Doctor could you please prescribe me a different
Contact-lens cleaning tablets?

The ones I'm taking now are giving me indigestions!
:o

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

:D

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

:o

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"


:o

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"

George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"

Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."

George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street."

Osama asks, "And what do they say?"

George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
:o

Fecking brilliant humour..all:D :D

Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden?

Lace a bunch of Watchtower magazines with anthrax and send the Jehovah Witnesses in after him. Those people can find anybody!

:D

What do women get once a month and last only a couple of days??

...Their husband’s salary!

:o
..and we are making jokes about it! pathetic.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.;)

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. When asked whether they had a break in the case, a spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on.";)

Micro we are going to nominate you as "Court Jester"....
keep the fecking good work going:D :D

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
:o

Downtown with no money

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown," so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"

She said, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money -- just looking."
:rolleyes:

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."
The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him!"
:o

Juanito calls into work one morning and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come to work."

The boss says, "You know Juanito I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Juanito calls, "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
:rolleyes:

A man picks up a fat girl in a bar. He's been there all night drinking and now he just wants to get laid.

An hour later, they're busy shagging when he says, "Can we switch the light off?"
"Why dear?" she asks, ..."Are you shy?"
"No," he replies, "it's just that it's burning my ass!"
;)

micro..youre a genius.....:D :D

:confused: :bugeye: :D i don't get it.

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the
next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries
of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all
night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get
an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's
embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the bed!.."
:o

Pumpkin...the woman must have been reallybig :D :D

Harry and his wife, Sadie are having hard financial times, so they
decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of
that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've
got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

Sadie's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says,
"How much?" .."A hundred dollars," she smiles.
He says, "Damn! All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." Sadie runs back to Harry and says,
"What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob."
She runs back and tells the guy, all he gets for thirty
dollars is a handjob.

Sadie gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply
huge penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "Hold on."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry,
can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
;)

I take a short break to dry my tears that are flooding the keyboard to appreciate your support and make clear that some jokes are from my recollection and others are borrowed, so I DO NOT DESERVE CREDIT.
This is just medicine, and let’s continue.
;)

Well done Micro either way...thankyou for taking the time..I have had a good laugh!!:D :D

A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club.
A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!" The fat man said, "Yeah."
The second man asked, "How long's it been since you've
seen your dick?"
The fat man answered, "Long time." The second man asked,
"Why don't you diet?" The fat man asks,
"Why? What color is it now?"
:D

fecking brill ..micro:D :D

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working
in. He walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating
non-stop, and asks the doctor why was the man doing such a
thing out in the open?

The doctor replies, "Oh he has a medical condition where the
sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate
constantly or he will explode." "Oh, I see" says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying
on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse. Again, he asks
the doctor "What's up with that?" The doctor says,
"Same condition, better medical plan."
:o

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then
spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone
has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you
are going to shit when you hear the price."
:rolleyes:

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've
been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were
probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny
snickered, "What do you say........ Should we get naked?"

And so they stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey,"
the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as
they were fifty years ago!" "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's
in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"
:rolleyes:

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic amnesiac?

He lays awake at night pondering if there really is a dog.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
Gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife
again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
:o

i'd tell you guys a joke, but, you most likely wouldn't get it. nobody else seemed to when i told it before. so, ixnay on the oak-jay.:p :D

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a
compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She
opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmmm, this person
looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one
looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him
in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she
does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun
and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey,
don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde
replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see
that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once
and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first
to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his
dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at
the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the
steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home
to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!


:o

An old woman, a young woman, an Englishman, and an
Irishman are traveling in the compartment of a train together
across the British countryside. Each of the four is ignoring
the other three.

Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel, and the compartment is
thrown into pitch-blackness. Out of the darkness comes the
sound of a kiss, then the sound of a slap.
The train leaves the tunnel, and the travelers act as though
nothing happened.

The old woman, however, is thinking to herself, "Look at that
young woman sitting there next to me, acting as if nothing
happened. I KNOW the Englishman kissed her."
The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would an
Irishman kiss an old lady?"

The Englishman is thinking to himself, "I didn't to anything!
Why'd I get MY face slapped?" And the Irishman is thinking
to himself, "How do you like that? I kiss the back of my hand,
slap an Englishman in the face and get away with it!"
:o

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this
fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to
treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided
that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've
got one hell of a mustache!"

:D

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight
up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled
over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was
startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring
coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked.
"We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped,
"That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't
believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk
for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"
:o

Micro: are you amusing yourself?:D

Originally posted by pumpkinsaren'torange
Micro: are you amusing yourself?:D

Like a horny dog! Why, you don’t like it?

:confused:

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again...for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big
deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure ... but he always has expectations
after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the
next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
:)

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys the following...

1 bar of soap

1 toothbrush

1 tube of toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 single serving cereal

1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says

"So, you single?"

The woman replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're f***ing ugly".

:D

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning.":o

Remember, when someone annoys you it
takes 42 muscles in your face to frown?

Well, ...It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and BITCH-SLAP the mother f*cker in the head...

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams
in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes
her ankle and screams and so it goes on.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

:D

The cops raided the local brothel and had all the girls standing in line waiting to enter the paddy wagon.

A little old lady walked up and asked one of the girls what the line was for. She indicated they were giving out lollipops. The little old lady liked lollipops so she got in line too.

When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little old to be doing this?"

She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them.
:D

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring,
faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides
that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart.
Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place
the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately
below the first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches
in the elderly woman's left thigh.
:p

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"

"Oh.. Half a pack a day."

"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

"Do you want to live long?"

"Yes."

"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
:rolleyes:

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.
As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my
privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be
careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
:o

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
:o

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

Guy: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

:o

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for guys like you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I don't know about the others by I got here as fast as I could."

:p

Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the
outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able
to see the difference.
:rolleyes:

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says, "Lady, it says here that you should
be wearing glasses."

The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know!
You're getting a ticket!"
:o

1. Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears?
(Pull your pockets inside out....) Would you like to?

2. Fuck me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?

3. I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.

4. Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire.

5. The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor.

6. Hey! Wanna play war? (replies) WHAT? (you) Yea, I lay on the ground and you blow the fuck outta me!

7. Oh my God! I think I love you! Now lay down!

8. My dick's been feeling a little dead lately. Wanna give it some
mouth-to-mouth?

9. Say, I’m lousy with math, ..would you show me variables with 69?



Warning: Careful with all the above, no liability accepted!


:rolleyes:

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, can that hand-wavin. I can talk now."

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.

"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"

"Very well," replies the specialist.

"Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."

The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet.

The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"

:o

I'm dumb -struck with that one..:D :D

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

:o

WIFE...."Wire you insulate?"
Electrician husband:
I COULDN'T GET OHM ANY EARLIER.:D :D

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very kind of you, your honor," the husband said. "

...And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

:D

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
:rolleyes:

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
:rolleyes:

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

:o

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
:D

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
:D

Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!

Yo mama's so fat people jog around her for exercise!

Yo mama's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!

Yo mama's so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors!

Yo mama's so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!

Yo mama's so fat she lays on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy!

Yo mama's so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller!

Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets!

Yo mama's so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th!

Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!

Yo mama's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"!

Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!

Yo mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it!


:mad:

Caution: Do not read in public!

Once at a Microsoft’s cocktail party, Bill Gates decided to come up with a challenge to entertain his wonderful dot.com friends. Been so filthy rich, there was obviously no limit to his imagination. He called the attention of all the guests and explains;

Now you all see that swimming-pool behind you, well I have placed in the largest 800 lb crocodile that I could find, and it hasn’t been feed for a month. If any of you “macho” men, jumps in the pool and knockouts that crocodile. I will fulfill his desire without any limits…
Bill Gates hasn’t even finished his speech and there’s a big splash in the pool.

The guests turn around and see how a small build black guy is fighting his heartout with the crocodile, a real vicious fight. About 30 minutes later, the crocodile floats dead and the black guys steps out of the pool gasping for air. Bill approaches him, lifts his arm in sign of victory and proclaims, “This is the man”. Now, as a reward, what would you like? Would you like the Ferrari at the main entrance, says Bill. No..no..no says the back guy. Oh I see, replies Bill, would 200 million dollars be a more attractive offer? Nooo, say the back guy. Ok, ok says Bill, I gave my word, so tell me what exactly you want??
The black guys responds standing straight and looking at the guests, ….I wana know who’s the mother fucker that pushed me in the pool?

:o

I told you!:D

1. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

2. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

3. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

4. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

5. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

6. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

7. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

8. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

9. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

10. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Note: If the above works for you, remember me while you do it!
:D

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."

When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"

"$75 dollars," said the first.

The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.

The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
"$20 dollars" replies the third.

The first two start laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"
:rolleyes:

At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
;)

One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass".

:o

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

:rolleyes:

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
:D

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on...

She replied, "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, I am rechecking my answers!!"

:rolleyes:

1. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

2. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right
wrench to pound in the correct screw.

3. It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.

4. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

5. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry

6. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make
violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy

7. Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

9. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the
answer.


;)

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you
see I'm alive ," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist.
"The man who told me is much more reliable than you."


A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door
and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well
enough."


A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it:
"I pray for all."
A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."

A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up
each nostril walks into the doctor's office. The doctor looks at him and
asks what he can do for him.
"Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately."
"Well, I can see you are not eating right."

:rolleyes:

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar." Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct. He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar." She said "That can't be right!" The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached.":p

A repairman is walking through a mental institution. He comes up
to the first room and sees a man, swinging an imaginary baseball bat.
"What the hell are you doing" he asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a home run I'm outta here!", replies the
man. The repairman wishes him well and continues on his way.

In the next room, there's a guy swinging an imaginary golf club.
"What the hell are YOU doing?" he asks.
"I'm Jack Nicklaus. As soon as I make a hole in one I'm outta here!"
replies the man.

The repairman shakes his head and comes up to the
next room. There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of
his penis.
"WHAT THE HELL are you doing!" he asks.

"I'm f*u*c*k*i*n*g nuts, I'm never gettin outta here! "
:o

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.

The Italian says - "When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy"

The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock clean on the curtains. She hits the f...ing roof !!!"

:rolleyes:

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.
:rolleyes:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." Men's Quote of the Day: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then they turn full-bodied with age until they go sour and vinegary and give you a headache." ;)

Micro,...you are going to wear yourself out before the week is out..but thanks again for the great input
dominic:D :D :m:
The Aussie joke was brill!!:D

Originally posted by IXL777
Micro,...you are going to wear yourself out before the week is out..but thanks again for the great input
dominic:D :D :m:
The Aussie joke was brill!!:D

Yes! I think you’re right. My girlfriend keeps complaining
saying that if I could finger her like I do to the keyboard she
promise not to take me in literally!

So… A little break, but I’ll be back.
:D

not too long I hope.....I will try to remember some jokes.
dominic:D :D

When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

A bloke walks into the newsagent and says "can I have the paper please?"
The fellow behind the counter replies "Sure, you want todays or
tomorrows" The bloke said "Ummm, I'll have tomorrows then thanks" The
fellow replies "Well come back in the bloody morning."


Walked past a man with one arm the other day and I said
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to change a light bulb", he replied.
"Will you be able to manage that?" I asked.
"Yeh, no problem, I've got the receipt!

:rolleyes:

Doctors always think on money first!


A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother. One morning she was over at the doc's house when her daughter-in-law
called, sort of frantic. It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny. The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should
bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmly replied, "I don't think it's necessary, just watch him closely for any change."
:rolleyes:

A cop was manning his radar trap when along came a white dude in his Chevy doing 45 in a 35 zone. The cop pulled him over and asked what was the hurry. The dude said "I just got a call on my job saying my wife has been taken to the hospital, I don't know what's wrong and I'm in a hurry to get there." The cop told him to slow down, be careful, etc. and sent him on his way. He no sooner got set back up when a Mexican dude came by in his Ford station wagon going 55 in a 35 zone. The cop pulled him over. "Senor, my wife she is very sick, they call me on my job, maybe she live, maybe she die, I don't know......" The cop gave him a verbal warning too and sent him on his way. He went back to his trap and a black dude in his Cadillac came through doing 65 in a 35. The cop pulled him over and said "I suppose your wife is sick?" The black dude wiped his mouth with his shirt sleeve and said "Oh no sir, that's barbeque sauce!"

;)

An American black dude was driving his Cadillac in Mexico and pulled into a station for gas. There was a Mexican boy sitting on a fruit crate peeling an apple. The black dude got impatient. "Hey, how about pumping me some mother fucking gas?" The kid said "Senor, we don't like that word 'mother fucker' in this country.", and kept on peeling his apple. The dude said, "Hey, I said I need some mother fucking gas!" The kid said, "Senor, I done told you, we don't like that word 'mother fucker' here." The dude said "You gonna pump me some mother fucking gas or am I gonna have to pump it my self." The kid said "Senor, I must show you something." He tossed the apple into the air, cut it into 16 pieces and caught all 16. The dude said "You gots another mother fucking apple?" The kid said "Si" and tossed up another apple. The dude pulled out his .45 and made applesauce out of it. The kid said "How many mother fucking gallons do you think she'll hold, Senor?" :rolleyes:

A Negro preacher was heavy into a sermon when he was interupted by a man near the back shouting "Lock the do' and don't a mulla fucka move!" The preacher said "Whoa, who's that interupting my sermon?" The dude stood up and said "I did. Somebody done lifted my wallet. I had it right here in my ass pocket and now it's gone." The preacher said "Well I can understand you getting upset, but I don't see where you had to interupt my sermon. And besides that, where did you say you had it?" He said "Right here in my ass pocket." The preacher said "Well it's your own fault then. You should have been carrying it in your inside coat pocket like I ......Lock the do' and don't a mulla fucka move!"
;)

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.Every night after
dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit
and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening Mildred,
age 87, wanders into the garden. They began to chat and before they
knew it several hours passed by.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
"What?" she asked and he replies "SEX!" Mildred exclaims "Why you old
fart, you couldn't get it up if you had a gun to your head!"
" I know, "Harold says "but it would be nice if a woman would hold it
for awhile."

" Well, I can oblige!" says Mildred who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward they agreed to meet
secretly in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night, Harold did not show up at the usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was ok. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's
manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two timing creep! What does Ethel
have that I don't?"
Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!"
:D

Micro.. you certainly know how to amuse people
dominic:D :D

A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."

So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. "Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fatts Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."

A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic. "Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."

This man went to a whore house. he had no arms and no legs. When the madam answered the door she asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted a woman. She replyed you have no arms and no legs what can you do? With that he replyed I rang the door bell didn't I? :rolleyes:

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
:p

Wife: Darling, you know that shockproof, waterproof, anti-magnetic, un-breakable watch you bought me?
Husband: Yes, darling.
Wife: Well, it caught fire.
Husband: Good grief.
Wife: But it`s all right. I threw it in the river to put it out.
Husband: It cost too much to throw away.
Wife: It`s alright. I fished the watch out of the river and it`s still running.
Husband: The watch is still running?
Wife: No. The river, stupid!
;)

A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

;)

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders.
He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!" :o

There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night.
As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night, and the Amish still ride in buggies.
Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves.
The Girl said to her mother, "it's supposed to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?"
Her mother replied, "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on there way.
On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees.
Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?"
She replied, "my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm."
Her date said to her, "well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?"
The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did.
After returning home from her date she asked her mother, "What do you know about them there dicks?"
Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?"
The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!" :D

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse . . . Your call.
:rolleyes:

1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

;)

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:
"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."

"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!" .
:rolleyes:

Monica Lewinski takes a dress to her cleaners to have a stain removed. She tell the old man working there it has a stain on it and she wants him to get it out.The old man says cum again. Monica says no mustard.
;)

Whats the difference between Tony Blair
and a tampon?

Nothing there both stuck up cunts!!!
:D

"No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit" (West Virginia).

In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)

"Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited" (California).

It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.

"It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing." (Texas)

An ancient law in Indonesia prohibited men from masturbating. The punishment was decapitation.

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (Alabama)

In ancient Rome, people found guilty of murdering their fathers were executed in a bizarre manner. The punishment was to be put in a sack with a rooster, a viper, and a dog, then drowned along with all three animals.

In Colombia, if a Goajiro woman is successful in tripping a man during a ceremonial dance, he's required to have intercourse with her.

When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.

In Arkansas, law states that the name must be pronounced "Arkansaw".

Early in 1975, the U.S. Senate actually voted on the following:
"A motion to table a motion to reconsider a vote to table an appeal of a ruling that a point of order was not in order against a motion to table another point of order against a motion to bring to a vote the motion to call up the resolution that would institute a rules change."

It's illegal in Newcastle, WY to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.

"It is illegal to give a drink of water to anyone unless you have a permit" (New York).

"It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water." (Arizona)

It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

In July 1981, a tortoise was sentenced to death for murder. Tribal elders in Kyuasini, a village in Kenya, formally condemned the tortoise because they suspected it of causing the death of six people, apparently through magic. However, because none of the villagers was prepared to risk the tortoise's wrath by carrying out the execution, it was instead chained to a tree. The tortoise was later freed after the government promised an official inquiry into the deaths.

In Turkey during the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.

An Athens legislator named Solon passed a law in the 6th century that let fathers sell their fornicating daughters into slavery.

It was the law in Scotland in 1288 that for each year known as "lepe yeare" any maiden lady could ask the man she liked to be her husband. If he refused and didn't have a good excuse he would be "mulcted of ye sum of one pound or less" (essentially, he would owe her a dollar). France enacted a similar law a year later.

At one time, there was a law in India that forbade lower-caste people from casting their shadows on a member of the Brahman (the upper class).

After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. (Maine)

In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become one year older on New Year’s Day.

'Turtle racing is prohibited within the city limits" (Florida).

Citizens of Monaco are prohibited from gambling in Monte Carlo, but they're exempt from taxation.

It's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle in London.

"It is illegal to lasso a fish" (Tennessee).

In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts ordered that anybody caught feasting or laying off from work, or in any other way goofing off on any other day other than Christmas, would be fined five shillings for each such offense.

Rapists in Nambia can choose either castration or 20 years of hard labor.

"It is against the law to advertise on tombstones" (Virginia).

"Dogcatchers are required to be psychoanalyzed by a psychiatrist to determine if they are qualified to chase stray mutts" (Texas).

Up until the early 20th century, New Jersey and Wisconsin had laws allowing the castration of epileptics.

Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
:rolleyes:

I laughed SO hard when this happened, mind you it was completely spontaneous:

My Jamaican friend (who is black) says to me as he's leaving the room "I'll be right black".

Me, without missing a beat "I'll be white here." :bugeye:

Hehe.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
:rolleyes:

Originally posted by wesmorris
Me, without missing a beat "I'll be white here." :bugeye:
Hehe.

Nice, keep up the good work. Hey, you may suggest your friend to read the other joke about Bill Gates’s party and the black guy pushed into the pool!:D

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion"
:o

A blonde walking by the river came across another blonde directly across from her. The first blonde waved to the other and said "hey, how do i get to the other side"? The other blonde answered "You're already on the other side".

There's this blonde who goes into an electronics shop, and asks the bloke in there if she can buy this TV. But the bloke says Sorry, we dont serve blondes.
So she goes away, dyes her hair brown, and goes back. Sorry, we dont serve blondes, the bloke says.
So she goes back and dyes her hair ginger, but he still tells her they dont serve blondes.
Sooooo, she goes back yet again, but dyes her hair black. Again, she asks if she can buy the TV, but yet again, she cant get served.
Look, she says, how can you tell i'm a blonde, even tho i've dyed my hair???
Soory lady, thats a microwave!!!!

Jeperady!
There is three blonds playing Jeperady. The anoucer says, "This is the final question. How many "D's" are in Jeperady?" The first blond goes 1." He goes up to number 2 and she says "1000." "I'm not even going to ask," the anoucer said. He goes up to the third blond and she says "33" How did you get 33?" he asked. The blond goes, Dun Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun...


There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early.

So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they.
The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning.
The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date.
The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
:rolleyes:

At a country club three good old friends are getting ready for a game of golf. Just as they are about to start, one of then excuses himself, as he forgot something in the auto. While the other two are waiting, they start talking about their kid. Say, how’s your son David doing? Oh, he is doing great, after finishing college he started a real-state thing, and it flourished, it really did. Apparently so good, that last month he gave away a Villa to one of his friends. And your Peter, he was very smart in school, how’s he doing? Oh, I’m really proud of him, he opened imported cars dealership and apparently the thing is just booming, so good that he gave as a birthday present to one of his friends a new Ferrari.
Just about now, the third guy returns from picking up something from the car.
Say John, we were just talking about our kids and how proud we are ( with a grin on their faces), how’s your Junior doing?
..Well you know about my junior, his lousy schooling and you know very well my stand on such a delicate mater. Homosexuality is something I would never, ever tolerate. But as jobless as he is, he is proving me wrong time after time, just recently his two boyfriends gave him a Villa and a Ferrari.
:o

A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him." :D

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals.
The Chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you, and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying "God save the Queen!", and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over; the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over the place, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled and asks, "God almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker sneers and says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!"
:o

A group of Asian women were visiting a village somewhere deep in Africa when they came across a trader selling human breasts.
One of the Asian ladies asked the trader, "Why are you selling women's breasts?"
The trader replied, "Locally, we have found that consuming the flesh of a woman's breast can increase men's sex drive, and enlarge the size of their penis."
Hearing with interest about the 'enlarging the penis' the Asian woman was determined to buy some for her husband. She quickly asks the butcher for the price of the breast.
"Well," says the butcher, "It depends on what kind of breast you want. We have black breast, white breast, and Asian breast."
"Give me the price of each." said the Asian lady impatiently.
"The black breasts are $200 a pound," the butcher says, "white breasts are $300 a pound, and the Asian breasts are $400 a pound."
The Asian women were glad to hear that Asian breasts were the most expensive in the breast booth.
"Hey, not bad! Asian breasts are worth more!", said one of the Asian ladies.
"No no no, you don't understand," the trader explains, "you don't know how many Asian women we have to kill to get one pound of breast!" :rolleyes:

A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.
An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
:D

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!" :(

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me." :D

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either." :D

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
:D

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does? :rolleyes:

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken." :o

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times." :o

I think this can work with all couples!:D

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

;)

Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls."
Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"
"No", Sue answers. "That dirty." :rolleyes:

This is a hummer and real story too!

I guy at the bar decided to go to the toilet, a long the way, he noticed another guy walking behind him at close distance. He goes in the toilet, into the cubical and closes the door. He noticed that the guy following him does the same on the adjacent cubical. He ears the guy saying “hello how are you?”, the guy doesn’t want to respond, he is beginning to get worried. He hears once again, “are you ok?”, He’s thinking to himself, what the fuck would that guy want? It is getting creepy, anyway he forces himself to reply “Yes, yes I’m ok, thank you”. The suspicious guy says, “I miss you”, the scared guy is in shock and doesn’t even care to answer that. After a short while he hears “What are you doing?” , the scared guy is really getting annoyed and replies “I’m fucking doing what you’re doing, fucken trying to shit, OK”. The spooky guy replies…” Sorry honey I have to hung-up, there a fucken moron here who thinks that I’m talking to him!
:o

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.
The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".
The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open".
The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.
He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.
He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?"
After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."
:o :o :o

The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams.
One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!" :D

One night, after a long evening of drinking. Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual.
On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."
:rolleyes:

Four gays in the bar and only one stool.

What do they do?

Turn it over! :rolleyes:

Q. What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A. White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....". Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."
:D

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
:rolleyes:

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear th to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
:o :o

The United States government had just completed an exhaustive study to find out what purpose the head of a man's penis served. After three years and almost 2 million dollars, they agreed that it was to give the woman more pleasure.
Germany, finding out about the survey and not wishing to be left out, spent 18 months and $450,000.00 and decided that the head of a man's penis served to give the man more pleasure.

Poland, refusing to be outdone, conducted their own survey. After three weeks and $29.50, they determined that it was to keep Stash's hand from sliding off and hitting him in the forehead.
:rolleyes:

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"
:)

George W. Bush is very concerned about Dick Cheney's recent health problems. Now Dubya knows he's only a heartbeat away from the presidency.
:rolleyes:

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal.

As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong.

The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire."

The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations."

The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"
:rolleyes: