CounslerCoffee
11-06-04, 06:22 PM
I have finally accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. Let me share my tale of finding the Lord with you.
It was a hot summer day and I needed some water. Now, I was wearing an onion on my belt, which was the fashion at the time. So I went on over to the next town to drink from their well. It was there that I ran into the man, the REAL man, the SON OF GOD! It was Jesus. And he told me he could quench my thirst. Not my physical thirst, but my spiritual thirst.
For many of you who don’t know, I’ve been an agnostic for some time now. And at the time I was looking for water and wearing an onion on my belt. Now Jesus said to me he said “You need to let me into your heart,” so I did. I let Jesus into my heart and he did wonders for me. I, of course, passed out from dehydration but my physical thirst wasn’t a problem anymore because I was on my way to Heaven. Or Saint Rita’s Hospital because someone had called an ambulance.
Now, when I awoke my belt and onion were missing and Jesus was still in my heart. So I forgave whoever stole my onion and belt and moved on. I went to the 7/11 across the street and got myself a burrito, and even though I don’t like burritos all that much I still ate it and enjoyed because I had Jesus in my heart and he was just there for me and I guess Jesus was craving a burrito.
After finally getting home I put on another belt and another onion (Because it was the fashion at the time) and went along my merry way to spread the word of Jesus.
Eventually I found my way to a church where I drank a bunch of water. Of course the water I had just drunk was holy and it was all the water the church had left. What with this being in Arizona an all and in the middle of a drought.
Eventually a priest came up to me and told me that I had drunk all the holy water and that they needed it to perform an exorcism. So they sent me on over to this haunted house or something and told me to spread the holy water around. I didn’t understand. What the priest had me do was unzip my pants and piss all over the walls and the couch and the bed and everything. Well, the house was cleansed of demons because of my holy piss and I went along my merry way and eventually found my way to another house.
In this house was a woman in desperate need of saving. I explained how to accept Jesus into her heart and she was ready. I told her I was ready to baptize her. So I unzipped my pants and told her to feel the love. She didn’t understand and beat the holy piss out of me. So I ran back home and decided to tell my story to this here forum because I think we all need to let Jesus into our hearts.
So you see friends, the moral of the story is that you have to eat burritos and drink holy water and Jesus will love you for it.
P.S. I was drunk when all this happened and drunk when I wrote this.
It was a hot summer day and I needed some water. Now, I was wearing an onion on my belt, which was the fashion at the time. So I went on over to the next town to drink from their well. It was there that I ran into the man, the REAL man, the SON OF GOD! It was Jesus. And he told me he could quench my thirst. Not my physical thirst, but my spiritual thirst.
For many of you who don’t know, I’ve been an agnostic for some time now. And at the time I was looking for water and wearing an onion on my belt. Now Jesus said to me he said “You need to let me into your heart,” so I did. I let Jesus into my heart and he did wonders for me. I, of course, passed out from dehydration but my physical thirst wasn’t a problem anymore because I was on my way to Heaven. Or Saint Rita’s Hospital because someone had called an ambulance.
Now, when I awoke my belt and onion were missing and Jesus was still in my heart. So I forgave whoever stole my onion and belt and moved on. I went to the 7/11 across the street and got myself a burrito, and even though I don’t like burritos all that much I still ate it and enjoyed because I had Jesus in my heart and he was just there for me and I guess Jesus was craving a burrito.
After finally getting home I put on another belt and another onion (Because it was the fashion at the time) and went along my merry way to spread the word of Jesus.
Eventually I found my way to a church where I drank a bunch of water. Of course the water I had just drunk was holy and it was all the water the church had left. What with this being in Arizona an all and in the middle of a drought.
Eventually a priest came up to me and told me that I had drunk all the holy water and that they needed it to perform an exorcism. So they sent me on over to this haunted house or something and told me to spread the holy water around. I didn’t understand. What the priest had me do was unzip my pants and piss all over the walls and the couch and the bed and everything. Well, the house was cleansed of demons because of my holy piss and I went along my merry way and eventually found my way to another house.
In this house was a woman in desperate need of saving. I explained how to accept Jesus into her heart and she was ready. I told her I was ready to baptize her. So I unzipped my pants and told her to feel the love. She didn’t understand and beat the holy piss out of me. So I ran back home and decided to tell my story to this here forum because I think we all need to let Jesus into our hearts.
So you see friends, the moral of the story is that you have to eat burritos and drink holy water and Jesus will love you for it.
P.S. I was drunk when all this happened and drunk when I wrote this.