I realized that for the past week I've woken up every day thinking oh god not this again. I actually prefer being unconscious in my own little dream world. It has probably more then enough to do with my mind twisting cynical nerve pulling loving girlfriend, ex girlfriend...whatever, i think. And society (yes it sounds almost funny, but i mean it, how people are). and the fact that my friends and those that I seem to attract are feeling the same way. I'm thankful for their friendship, and even love, but I only seem to relate to unstable companions who either end up breaking my heart or traumatizing me further in the head. I'm not complaining about the latter neccesarily, but those unstable artsy girls (girl) have really taken their toll on my mind.

I went from being the most caring, thoughtful guy with those big ambitions to being this heartless plotting emotionless (it scares me to realize how many thngs I can look into the eyes now an not care) hermit who's dreams are not crushed but who just doesn't care about anything because he's so fed up from trying. I feel like I'm trapped, goign no where and it scares me to be awake.

It probably doesn't help to knwo that a person who's been sent in for psychiatric analysis 3 times has told me that she thinks I'm insane, but on an unrelated matter.

I guess maybe philosophy has the answer...

smoke lots of weed.

I feel like I'm trapped, goign no where and it scares me to be awake.

It probably doesn't help to knwo that a person who's been sent in for psychiatric analysis 3 times has told me that she thinks I'm insane, but on an unrelated matter.

I guess maybe philosophy has the answer...

Well than sleep and dream, wake up eat little food, do some exercise and sleep. dream of beautiful life and of flying.

smoke lots of weed.

Well than sleep and dream, wake up eat little food, do some exercise and sleep. dream of beautiful life and of flying.

ironically, one_raven, i've been laying in a half concious state watching alot of docs about charles manson and famous american serial killers

dragon, that would be a good solution, but it will constantly remind me of just decaying into nothing. plus i gave it a shot, but it's hard to do when you got other stuff to do too

ironically, one_raven, i've been laying in a half concious state watching alot of docs about charles manson and famous american serial killers

It's a sign. =-)

I think a good killing spree will get it out of your system.

I think a good killing spree will get it out of your system.

It usually works for me.

That or the weed.

haha you guys are great
yes im aware it's a sign
it's hard to compete with a murderous cult of hippies who are now all old and regretful and insane, or a man who made lampswitches out of lips

things done changed

i'd love to meet charlie tho

i'd love to meet charlie tho

Really? Why?

I have no such desire.

if you've ever listened to an interview with him...
he seems like quite the fellow to talk with

I have.
Seems to me he is simply insane and hard to follow.
I know of some notorious people from history I would like to speak with - he is not one of them.


"I am the Flail of God. If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon You." – Genghis Khan
Now, THAT was an interesting man!

yura, lazy ass, its time to make him work his life off.

Yeah i know where you comming from, been in exactly the same place.

Its like humanity and society scratching at the membrane of your psyche, you realise how utterally full of shit most people are and futility sets in.
Not to say that im not full of shit also, but the difference is i *know* im full of shit.

I was posting on a depression forum for a while at this point and i remember one girl saying 'its not that i want to die, i just want everyone else to'.

I think that really struck home with me, we're taught to internalise all our problems but if you look at the fundamental root cause alot of the time you'll find the problems are external.
Which is not say that you should give up on potential of er, 'self growth' but you should at least acknowledge how other people play into how you feel before tearing yourself to shreds.

SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE

Well avoiding people altogether could in theory leave you better off, but that opens up another huge can of neurosis, which you may or may not find more unbearable than dealing with erratic women and flakey friends.
Be a part-time hermit maybe, if you limit the frequency of people in your life, but let people in just enough so you dont go crazy you might achieve some kind of balance.
Otherwise you could just post on the internet and pretend that you were always cynical and never laughed at jokes about spastics and ethiopians.

DONT WORRY. :itold:

Forget the weed and smoke some salvia. It'll take you to another world. Literally. And when you come back to this one, you'll feel happy. Trust me.

one_raven, that is pretty interesting - it's playing with fate and everyday events. Like saying I am the typer of god and I punch these keys because i'm punching them right here right now and in this order, god sent me.

heliocentric, thanks man. I'm still too dissoriented to do anything routinely, plus it doesn't help that my home life just got fucked. So I'm still having trouble doing things routinely. But those are words to live by. And just to clarify, I don't really think my friends are flaky, not the ones that are still around. They just perpetuate things, and I'm not even sure it's a bad thing. In a way they give me courage to face the demons I guess. And apperantly that girl is still with me...she's just cynical, insane and enexpectedly loving. Man, I hate that goddess. Even though this is probably temporary, I don't care, at least it gives me something to hold onto right now.

...Wait is this reeking of self destruction to anyone else?

WOW MAN ORIGINAL POSTER YOU'RE SO CRAZY MAN! Why don't you start a band and write songs whining about how messed up you think you are? We need more of those!

G. F. Schleebenhorst, I think someone needs a hug!

He's from England, they don't like hugs.

OMG Nick your now on his hit list :D

Try to remote view your life (or more your current situation - it seems altogether temporary 1-2 years max), from an outside perspective. As if you are watching a movie. Start directing your actions like you are able to manipulate the story(you are).

My opinion is, frankly, you like the drama you get with this girl, ride it out until it bores you.

"Apathy doesn't shape the world." - Anon

Whats the quote mean? You decide and while you're thinking about it, it will take your mind off other things.

You guys aren't exactly being very helpful.

Yura, tell us why you are so lethargic and woe-begone? Why are you giving up so easily? Watching serial-killer things isn't likely to help your mental state.

I realized that for the past week I've woken up every day thinking oh god not this again. I actually prefer being unconscious in my own little dream world. It has probably more then enough to do with my mind twisting cynical nerve pulling loving girlfriend, ex girlfriend...whatever, i think. And society (yes it sounds almost funny, but i mean it, how people are). and the fact that my friends and those that I seem to attract are feeling the same way. I'm thankful for their friendship, and even love, but I only seem to relate to unstable companions who either end up breaking my heart or traumatizing me further in the head. I'm not complaining about the latter neccesarily, but those unstable artsy girls (girl) have really taken their toll on my mind.

I went from being the most caring, thoughtful guy with those big ambitions to being this heartless plotting emotionless (it scares me to realize how many thngs I can look into the eyes now an not care) hermit who's dreams are not crushed but who just doesn't care about anything because he's so fed up from trying. I feel like I'm trapped, goign no where and it scares me to be awake.

It probably doesn't help to knwo that a person who's been sent in for psychiatric analysis 3 times has told me that she thinks I'm insane, but on an unrelated matter.

I guess maybe philosophy has the answer...Consider suicide or get a hobby.

Stryder, I see what you mean, that raises about a million different other issues and questions, it'll definitely kill some time

Prince_James, I really don't know what to say...sometimes life's a bitch and you become lethargic.

and nietzschefan, I have to say what you propose is a very very good idea. I'm already trying it out. You're probably right about the other thing too.

Yura:

But surely, life is worth it in the end, no?

He's from England, they don't like hugs.

Hilarity.

P.S James I.

Prince_James,
if you're asking if I think life is precious - yes it certainly is.
But is life worth it in the end? How would I know, how would you know? Why do you ask anyways, I mean I don't see how knowing either or would change anything. I mean so far it's been neat, then again I have nothing to compare it with really. This seems like something you would ask someone IN 'the end', whatever that is...

besides I'm am getting back on track by being the main star in my little life movie, it's pretty cool actually

Why am i here? It is one of the oldest questions but still every person need to answer it for themselves. All i can say is that i want to try to do something that will help others so that they can help the next generation, hopefully leading to the perfection of existance.

Knock yourself out.

Prince_James,
if you're asking if I think life is precious - yes it certainly is.
But is life worth it in the end? How would I know, how would you know? Why do you ask anyways, I mean I don't see how knowing either or would change anything. I mean so far it's been neat, then again I have nothing to compare it with really. This seems like something you would ask someone IN 'the end', whatever that is...

besides I'm am getting back on track by being the main star in my little life movie, it's pretty cool actually

You are one of six billion. You will exist for what is only the blink of an eye and then disappear, completely and utterly forgotten.

Thats why i lose myself into a hobby,(rock climbing) to realizzed how fragile my life really is. I used to feel the same way Yura, but now i 'thrill seek'. Of coarse a good book helps in the same manner for me to, ...diverting my thoughts elswhere....

In all seriousness, its all about picking a path and just seeing where it leads you.
It doesnt really matter what that path is, just as long as you pick one.
Theres practically unlimited potential in whatever path you choose to know yourself or become enlightened.
If you stick with it you find your own sense of strength and work out what matters to you.
Thats as near as i get to saying anything helpful..:m:

All great ideas. I guess here's what's changed...

Start of by saying, nietzschefan, I believe tonight I've gotten bored of it. I'm sitting here watching fear and loathing, eating a bucket of chicken. Yes, enjoy the mental picture. Not like I do this every night. My hobbies have become more routine and they do take my mind of things. I draw stuff, excersize and spend time with maniacal friends. Can't complain. Then there's school. I've picked a path, and set my mind on it. In a way I'm already pretty deep into it. Shitload of essays due. Just gotta focus a bit more. Still sometimes want to just sleep, don't we all, but don't look for me in the news just yet, rampage fans.

Heh, I love Fear and Loathing - Las Vegas. Hunter S. Thompson is the ultimate American.

Glad I could help :)