I hate myself for even ever thinking to do this.
I have been straight person always, only girls excite me and I only want sex with women. Naked men do not make me sexual or do anything in me.

But nevertheless this did happen.
I was six years old and my cousin (guy) was four, I had experimented with everything at hand at that time and I wanted him to put my penis in his mouth. He did it and it felt good. I asked him to do it again but he refused and told me he wanted to try. So I did the same thing too. All this was 20 seconds the most. There was no sex. I was not erect but I liked that feeling. The 20 seconds of this have ruined my life forever as I have never told this to anyone. And my cousin has seem to forget it forever.

So now after years have passed by I feel this guilt within me and I never told this to anyone. And I am afraid to ask my cousin whether all this was for real...or was it a dream, I was only 6 and never has anything like this happened to me.

I am disgusted by what I did but I don't know what to think of it anymore. I am obviously straight person and not gay, but what do I tell my cousin? Should I even mention it? How should I feel? :shrug: I am now 20.

You're fine. You're fine whatever it might have possibly meant. Kids play around. They experiment. It is not the same thing as adult sexuality. It was not based on attraction the way adult sex hopefully is.

There are so many hateful messages out there about our bodies adn sex and what it all means.

There would be nothing wrong if you had turned out to be gay. There is nothing in what you did that means that you are somehow gay or a little bit gay.

To be honest: it's a pretty evil message to give someone that such an innocent act is something someone should torture themselves emotionally about. I don't know where the message originated in your life, but I think you should certainly questions both the intelligence and the goodness of the original source of that message.
Imagine if someone else came to you and told the same story. Would you really think they were disgusting and had done some evil thing when they were kids?

Dragon I have a lot of dealings with people who have suffered child sexual abuse as I run an online mental health support forum. And from my experience you have done nothing wrong here. You were not fully aware of the acts that you were partaking in. You were doing 'something' to see what it was like, that is all and you cousin also entered into the same game.

As your cousin was even younger than you they properly do not even remember the event and it would not be a good idea to bring it up.

I ones kicked some kid straight in the face when I was five or so. The moment he climed on some wooden tower thing and he felt like a meter down considering I remember I kicked his head like you would kick a soccer bal and we where both 5 or so (before first grade). The kid was fine and ren to his mother.

we all do some very dumb stuff were not to proud of afther reflection. What you did was yust stupid

Interesting topic.

I suspect you suffered some kind of similar event before the age of memory.

As for regretting this event, I will perscribe my usual dose of Nietzsche:

"Never Regret, it adds a second act of stupidity to the first..."

geez man, it's too early in the morning to be this creeped out. just forget about it.

it's 6 pm in europe

it's early afternoon here, but i just woke up.

I suspect you suffered some kind of similar event before the age of memory.

Why would you suspect that?

I suspect you suffered some kind of similar event before the age of memory.


well, my parents left me. My mom went to USA and my dad was constantly working in a lab in different cities. And I was in Belarus at that time, near the Chernobyl accident. So yes something did happen, my parents left me because the economic situation in the country was in chaos, and I was living few km's from the Chernobyl (Krasnaya Gora). I was living with my cousin's family which treated me very nicely, but the grandma was so deeply religious. And I felt constantly alienated because I was the only child from my father's side.

Of course 5 years have passed from than and now I am together with my family in USA, as my mother found a job as a scientist in the lab in USA in NJ and my father was allowed to come as well and got job in the same place too. And thats how it is

He meant other such similar situations involving penises and mouths prior to this one.

I ones kicked some kid straight in the face when I was five or so. The moment he climed on some wooden tower thing and he felt like a meter down considering I remember I kicked his head like you would kick a soccer bal and we where both 5 or so (before first grade). The kid was fine and ren to his mother.

we all do some very dumb stuff were not to proud of afther reflection. What you did was yust stupid

No, no, no, what you did was just stupid. Violence is stupid at any age and I get real mad when I see kids behaving like that, but of course I blame the parents. What Dragon did was just very natural experimentation.

2 friends and I did exactly the same thing when I was 5, one of them was slightly older, about 7 and he had seen his mum doing it to his dad the night before so he suggested we try it, we did it in the front garden in full view of any neighbours and family that might have walked by at any moment. In fact, my godmother did just that and gave us a scolding for being 'dirty', but there was no sexual connotation at all as far as we were concerned, how could there be at that age? It is because I can look at the incident with a rational mind that I don't and never have felt any guilt or remorse because of it.

Kids do these things, they see adults doing stuff and they naturally want to emulate what they saw. When I was 6, I saw my parents making love; the next day I seduced the next door neighbour's 5 year-old daughter took her to the toilet, undressed her and tried to emulate what my dad had done the previous night. There was lots of rubbing of tiny willy on naked belly, kisses on cheeks and little bites on neck (just copying what I thought I'd seen) but no erection; just more innocent stuff that kids do.

He meant other such similar situations involving penises and mouths prior to this one.

no, nothing like that.

Kids do these things, they see adults doing stuff and they naturally want to emulate what they saw. When I was 6, I saw my parents making love;
I'm grateful I didn't

Even if there was something sexual in the action why would that be something to be ashamed of?

I was talking to dragon, actually.
Thanks for sharing, though. :)

funny thing from the title is.... I'm Not guilty of anything.

funny thing from the title is.... I'm Not guilty of anything.

I didn't know how to express it other way.

I'm grateful I didn't

Why did you delete what you wrote?

dragon,
Even if there was something sexual in the action why would that be something to be ashamed of?

Why would you suspect that?

Well as has been just discussed behaviour like that would be an "emulation", I just don't think it would naturally occur. I guess anything can happen. Hell, I wanted Linda Carter(wonder woman lol) when I was 5, so it could have just been a curiousity. Most kids would worry about getting pee'd in the mouth I would think.

dragon,
Even if there was something sexual in the action why would that be something to be ashamed of?

its not that I was ashamed of it, but that I never told it to anyone. And that guilt/closeness inside was kept inside me all this time. And my cousin sometimes has that look in his eyes...but than I come to visit him only on summers, so who knows what is that look in his eyes is...he hates america but likes me cause I am his cousin . :) Anyway all my three cousins are wonderful.

Well as has been just discussed behaviour like that would be an "emulation", I just don't think it would naturally occur. I guess anything can happen. Hell, I wanted Linda Carter(wonder woman lol) when I was 5, so it could have just been a curiousity. Most kids would worry about getting pee'd in the mouth I would think.

Well...I did try to masturbate when I was like 3-4 years old, I accidently rubbed myself with the eraser and I liked it. So ever since I had other dreams and such, of course I never did masturbate (only at age 9 did it work).

If you feel no shame about it, where does the feeling of guilt come from?
What exactly is eating at you?

Why did you delete what you wrote?

Same thing I feel.

If you feel no shame about it, where does the feeling of guilt come from?
What exactly is eating at you?

The fact that I never told it to anyone, the fact that every time I see my cousin I see it as it happened ( I got good visual memory ). And the fact that I think he remembers it too. And also that its just plainly gross now to think of it, that I even wanted this. But mainly because I miss being small kid running around Russia/Belarus being free as wind, eating apples in gardens all around me and than other fruits all free, biking around the gorgeous Voronezh city, and than miss being with my grandma and her relatives in small town. I miss being there at that time when I felt peace and was happy, I miss my childhood and these accidents* like I described crawl out of memory as dark patches.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voronezh
http://www.comch.ru/~vest/fotos/Memorial%20to%20WW2%20-%20Voronezh%202.jpg
http://www.fallingrain.com/world/BO/0/Krasnaya_Gora.html

I'm grateful I didn't

Good for you, but I bet your dad got a hardon thinking about your girlfriend;)

Draqon:

There is a YouTube video on just this very thing, oddly enough. Well, childhood sexual experimentation in general, but you know what I mean.

Here, check it out.

It even tells you when life is so jive like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLU_mPE8k0Y

YMCA has to do with this...what? Anyways those dudes are gay.

I hate myself for even ever thinking to do this.

Why?

I have been straight person always, only girls excite me and I only want sex with women. Naked men do not make me sexual or do anything in me.

Gee. I totally thought you were a flaming gay. Thanks for clearing things up.

But nevertheless this did happen.
I was six years old and my cousin (guy) was four, I had experimented with everything at hand at that time and I wanted him to put my penis in his mouth. He did it and it felt good. I asked him to do it again but he refused and told me he wanted to try. So I did the same thing too. All this was 20 seconds the most. There was no sex. I was not erect but I liked that feeling.

Okay.

The 20 seconds of this have ruined my life forever

What the hell? Why would it ruin your life?

If you say this because you're a homophobe and are deeply disturbed by what you did, then it's time you reflect on your feelings about gay people.

So now after years have passed by I feel this guilt within me and I never told this to anyone. And I am afraid to ask my cousin whether all this was for real...or was it a dream, I was only 6 and never has anything like this happened to me.

I don't get why you'd feel guilty over this.

I am disgusted by what I did but I don't know what to think of it anymore.

How about try to come to terms with it and try not to let it bother you?

I am obviously straight person and not gay

Geez, you already told us. Now I'm starting to suspect you're hiding something.

but what do I tell my cousin? Should I even mention it? How should I feel? :shrug: I am now 20.

You probably shouldn't.

the grandma was so deeply religious.

Have you considered that this might be the source of your homophobia?

Anyways those dudes are gay.

I haven't watched the video (I have dial-up), but I'm almost certain that was a stupid, out-of-the-line comment. :bugeye:

Draqon, re-evaluate your attitude towards homosexuality. The one you have now, to be blunt, is very childish.

I hate myself for even ever thinking to do this.
I have been straight person always, only girls excite me and I only want sex with women. Naked men do not make me sexual or do anything in me.

But nevertheless this did happen.
I was six years old and my cousin (guy) was four, I had experimented with everything at hand at that time and I wanted him to put my penis in his mouth. He did it and it felt good. I asked him to do it again but he refused and told me he wanted to try. So I did the same thing too. All this was 20 seconds the most. There was no sex. I was not erect but I liked that feeling. The 20 seconds of this have ruined my life forever as I have never told this to anyone. And my cousin has seem to forget it forever.

So now after years have passed by I feel this guilt within me and I never told this to anyone. And I am afraid to ask my cousin whether all this was for real...or was it a dream, I was only 6 and never has anything like this happened to me.

I am disgusted by what I did but I don't know what to think of it anymore. I am obviously straight person and not gay, but what do I tell my cousin? Should I even mention it? How should I feel? :shrug: I am now 20.

Its no big deal, children are inquisitive and explore themselves in many ways.

DRaqon:

YMCA has to do with this...what? Anyways those dudes are gay.

And you aren't?

DRaqon:



And you aren't?

can't you read what I wrote. you and your anti-communist agenda is the same thing as this, you only believe what you believe and giving you proof (well proof that you got to trust) doesn't change anything.

Dragon, you've had a lot of positive replies here showing you that you have nothing to feel guilty about, which you don't seem to have responded to in any meaningful way.

Seeing as we're on the subject of phobias, then it's only right that I point out to you that yes, you do seem to have a lot of issues you have to sort out. From homophobia, to a disdain of alcohol, drugs and smoking, from valuing your virginity until you are married to, whatever, from this that and the other to that, this and something else, you, for a 20 year old, show too mucho hang-upso.

You remind me of someone living inside an eggshell and perhaps it's time to break out of it and experience a bit of real life. Your display of integrity would carry more weight if you were actually able to put your head in the lion's mouth for once, and were able to walk away with it still firmly on your shoulders. Like the man said, take a walk on the wild side, where the coloured girls go, boom ti boom.

Draqon:

You put your penis willingly into a mouth of a man. You've also said you hate women, don't want to have sex with them, and that they are evil.

You are the textbook example of a homosexual male.

Draqon:

You put your penis willingly into a mouth of a man. You've also said you hate women, don't want to have sex with them, and that they are evil.

You are the textbook example of a homosexual male.

Like I said I did when I was 4-5 years old. I did it because I didnt know boundaries at that time. There were no girls around me. The fact that I did it, for 20 seconds had made me forever shy person and closed in. I never said I hate women, I do however like older women (5 years older than me and more) because they are much more seemingly intelligent. I do not like girls of my age because they act silly and all they do is behave like lesbians, and I do not want to go into sexual relationship with a girl whom I do not love. I only want sex after marriage and only with my wife.

And stop trolling me, I already said I am not a homosexual, my problem lies in me never telling this story to anyone and keeping this all inside me.

You're a strange chap, draqon. In general.

As everyone's said - who cares, you were 4 or 5 at the time. Fairly natural thing to do. The reason you feel guilt is the issue here, not what you did.

Do you hope to marry a likeminded girl who is a virgin? Seems ambitious.

...my problem lies in me never telling this story to anyone and keeping this all inside me.

Well, you've now told about a gazillion people on the Internet ...so you're cured, right?

Baron Max

dragon your record is set on what 20 seconds? Go up to a girl and do some sweat talk and try to improve your record...
Note to prevent further crisis do not kiss her until a hour aftherwarts

Well, you've now told about a gazillion people on the Internet ...so you're cured, right?

Baron Max

yeah, big time. :D Except I am never posting a pic of me on here, since I said this.

Except I am never posting a pic of me on here, since I said this.

You do know, of course, that there are people who can find out who you are just from your record of joining this forum?
Do you have any idea what might happen in, say 10 years?
Employers might be able to call up anything and everything that you've ever posted on the Internet?
A woman that you meet and fall in love with might be able to check to see what you wrote on the Internet?

Never post anything on the Internet that you don't want the world to know about. Everything on the INternet is stored somewhere, you know that, right? When you're old and feeble and applying for government welfare, they'll check to see what you said on the Internet in your youth. Pretty neat, huh?

Baron Max

And they'll see . . . something that X% of the population tell to their psychologist at some stage! OMG!

It's not paedophilia if both people are under the age of consent. So long as Draqon doesn't go insane with guilt and join a 'paedophiles-R-us' forum, I don't think he has anything to worry about. :shrug:

I am guilty of trying too hard to be good.

You do know, of course, that there are people who can find out who you are just from your record of joining this forum?
Do you have any idea what might happen in, say 10 years?
Employers might be able to call up anything and everything that you've ever posted on the Internet?
A woman that you meet and fall in love with might be able to check to see what you wrote on the Internet?

Never post anything on the Internet that you don't want the world to know about. Everything on the INternet is stored somewhere, you know that, right? When you're old and feeble and applying for government welfare, they'll check to see what you said on the Internet in your youth. Pretty neat, huh?

Baron Max

okey.

You put your penis willingly into a mouth of a man. You've also said you hate women, don't want to have sex with them, and that they are evil.

You are the textbook example of a homosexual male.

And all this time I thought the two things that made you a homosexual male was that you were a male and that you were sexually attracted to other men. My bad. :rolleyes:

Draqon, please respond to my first post in this thread. Specifically, I'd like an answer to this point: If this ruined your life so badly, then you need to reconsider your feelings about homosexuality.

Draqon, please respond to my first post in this thread. Specifically, I'd like an answer to this point: If this ruined your life so badly, then you need to reconsider your feelings about homosexuality.

like I said in the first poll this is not about homosexuality. I am not a homosexual, I know ok. As far as the issue goes I had enough responses to not worry anymore.

like I said in the first poll this is not about homosexuality. I am not a homosexual, I know ok.

I think it really is about homosexuality. Not in that you're actually gay, but in that you were deeply disturbed by what you considered a homosexual act. One can plainly see that you were. This is why I tell you that you need to rethink your feelings about homosexuality.

As far as the issue goes I had enough responses to not worry anymore.

Well good then.

*sets up the projector, chair with restraints and takes a couple of matches from his pocket*

draqon, com'ere! it's movie time :)

No.

I'm quite impressed that only one person decided to make fun. I think we should all get the afternoon off, or a trip to the zoo maybe.

But, yes. Even if you don't care about your homophobia, it could cause you problems in life, draqon. It's better to get over those issues whilst you're young and your mind's malleable. Once you're an old codger, it's probably much harder to change your ways. Don't you cringe when old people are so out of touch with the world just now? You'll be incredibly out of touch when you're an old guy.

yawn. lights off.

yawn. lights off.

But I guess you'll always be a dick.

But I guess you'll always be a dick.

lets not be rude.

lets not be rude.

You don't have to, but I'm quite happy to.

You don't have to, but I'm quite happy to.

well than, so let it be. (*too)

well than, so let it be. (*too)

What's the (*too) about?

What's the (*too) about?

your mistake, what else.

your mistake, what else.

You don't have to [be rude], but I'm quite happy to [be rude].

You don't have to [be rude], but I'm quite happy to [be rude].

just like that, easy does it.

just like that, easy does it.

What?

No.

Jeez dragon it all sounds a little tramatic to me :L How can anyone that young be sexual, it boggles my mind. I only began interest in females around junior high school (sophmore)... to think anyone would be interested sooner is beyond me, I mean damn..

5 years old? 7? way to early ppl!

I hate myself for even ever thinking to do this.
I have been straight person always, only girls excite me and I only want sex with women. Naked men do not make me sexual or do anything in me.

But nevertheless this did happen.
I was six years old and my cousin (guy) was four, I had experimented with everything at hand at that time and I wanted him to put my penis in his mouth. He did it and it felt good. I asked him to do it again but he refused and told me he wanted to try. So I did the same thing too. All this was 20 seconds the most. There was no sex. I was not erect but I liked that feeling. The 20 seconds of this have ruined my life forever as I have never told this to anyone. And my cousin has seem to forget it forever.

So now after years have passed by I feel this guilt within me and I never told this to anyone. And I am afraid to ask my cousin whether all this was for real...or was it a dream, I was only 6 and never has anything like this happened to me.

I am disgusted by what I did but I don't know what to think of it anymore. I am obviously straight person and not gay, but what do I tell my cousin? Should I even mention it? How should I feel? :shrug: I am now 20.



it means nothing, you were a little kid, that is not sexual that is natural little kids experimenting, dont be disgusted by it and put shame on yourself, you didnt know what you was doing entirely.


peace.