View Full Version : How to fall out of love with someone?
11-24-04, 05:50 PM
A friend of mine is hopelessly in love with a guy and it's going nowhere. He's simply not whole enough to love her back and make a real relationship out of it. He doesn't give her enough attention, doesn't spend enough time with her, is completely oblivious to her need for just plain companionship. He blames it on being married/estranged -- she's no homewrecker, but it's a bit complicated -- but as bright as he is he could have figured out how to solve all the problems in about a week and should be living with her by now. He's just not trying and he's hiding behind his fragment of a marriage as an excuse. They're both around fifty, not star-struck kids by any means, but because of the life he had the luck to get, he's never had to grow up.
They work for the same company and she can't just stop seeing him. Every time she runs into him or he drops by her heart goes pitty-pat and she's right back where she started. He's got that charm thing and they actually do have some very nice things in common, so it's no mystery how she got involved with him. She says he's the one true love of her life, and knowing the story of her life I kind of believe her. Yet she also knows that this relationship is doomed.
So, a question to all of you nice people: How do you go about falling out of love with someone who would be Mister Right if he were as emotionally mature as his chronological age, who won't go away, who insists that he loves you, and whom you can't get away from due to circumstances?
My friend thinks she's going to have to leave town and not give him her forwarding address. I worry that this won't be enough. Without the reality of seeing how badly he acts, she could get caught up in a fantasy and pine over him until she's sixty. Naturally this would make me sad since I'm not a very gregarious person and I can't afford to lose even one friend.
I was in a situation somewhat like this when I was much younger. But it was a different era, the 1960s. What saved me was a distraction, something to break the continuity and allow me to get out of my rut. A married lady who was looking for adventure while her husband was doing the same thing simply latched onto me and gave me several weeks of distraction, then sauntered off when she could see that I was healed. But my friend doesn't want anything to do with any more married men; she's afraid that she might just transfer the affection to someone else who won't do any better by her. Single, available men never click with her, IMO because they can tell at a glance that her heart is taken.
Has anyone out there had an experience like this and found a way out of it, or know someone who did? Do you have any suggestions for things she might do to get out of this hole?
Reading this over, I see a lot of little signs that I'm missing something. It doesn't all add up. I feel like there's something going on that I don't see because I'm too close to her. And you all know I'm happily married -- not to mention old enough to be her father -- so I doubt that my blind spot is due to being part of the problem. Perhaps you can spot a hole. Maybe because she's my pal I don't see one of her negative qualities.
I've always tried to help you folks whenever one of you has cried out for it. Please let it be my turn. I feel so sad for this lady and I feel like I'm failing her. I'm not just meddling; she welcomes my help because the couple of suggestions I've given her so far have been highly successful. But I can't figure out what else to tell her.
My Sexy Blue Feet
11-24-04, 06:07 PM
Does she understand how bad the situation is? I don't exactly have alot of life experience, being not even 20 yet, but getting a new life, new distractions, could help. Ask her if there's been a life ambition she's always wanted to take up, but never has got around to do it. Get her out of her regular pattern of life, and get her away from him.
Sorry i'm not much more help
She needs a new dude. Maybe you can find another guy that would be better for her and set them up somehow? If you really wanted to help.
Maybe she enjoys pineing over him. Some people are like that, so why should you go about trying to wreck her fantasy?
Its possible that it will last a long time. I say either accept the fact, or recommend a psychologist. You shouldn't meddle in her personal life.
11-24-04, 07:05 PM
How do you go about falling out of love with someone who would be Mister Right if he were as emotionally mature as his chronological age, who won't go away, who insists that he loves you, and whom you can't get away from due to circumstances?
I feel so sad for this lady and I feel like I'm failing her because she needs my help and I can't figure out what to tell her.
Your friend is making choices. She is old enough to make them. Your paternal protective instinct is laudable and I feel for you. What can you do but tell her your opinion of this guy? Be honest with her about how you feel. Isn't that all friends can do? We certainly can't live other peoples lives for them.
As an outsider to the situation, I say any kind of love is good love. If you see hers as misplaced you may have you're own agenda or fear of loss that may come about. You may not be gregarious, but you have alot of cyberfriends here. See your appreciation thread in the 'about the members' forum.
I'm not even old enough to qualify for this but here goes.
If she says he's her one true love, and you believe this, then things can either only end in disaster or happily ever after, right?
Love's somewhat of a dichotomy, especially the true love kind. Is there no way you could get this to work rather than persuading her otherwise?
11-24-04, 10:11 PM
Either deal with your friend or the man she's in love with.
If you want to deal with your friend, convince her that the relationship will not work out the way it's going. Don't force anything on her. She has the right to live her life. Just give her your feelings and suggestions. She may decide you're right and try to move on, or she may not. Either way, be there for her (and I wouldn't doubt that you would).
If you want to deal with the man, perhaps have a talk with him. Tell him that he needs to give your friend more attention, spend more time with her, and give her the companionship she needs. He may listen, he may not. It's hard to change people.
I can understand your feelings of failure. It can be painful to see something bad which you cannot control happening. But understand that it's not your fault if you can't control this. Just help out in any way you can, and feel good that you could at least do that.
Also understand that love can be a very cruel emotion. It emotionally scars many people, and there's usually no stoping it. There are some people I know; I love them, but I have absolutely no chance of having a romantic relationship with them. It's a painful thing to go through. It's also impossible to stop. It's a grim feature in our lives.
I hope I helped, even if only a little bit. I hope everything turns out better for you and your friend. Peace, Love, Health, and Happiness to you and all.
11-24-04, 10:35 PM
Thanks so much for your kind responses. I'm so lucky to belong to a group of people who truly care about each other. You all make good points and I know they'll be very helpful.
Thank you so much for telling me about the appreciation thread. I didn't know it was there. It almost made me cry. I really appreciate the kind words so many of you have posted. It was so sweet to find this on the eve of Thanksgiving, now I have something to be truly thankful for tomorrow.
Thank you all for your postings, you've been a great help. You are great friends and I'm so lucky to have you.
Love you all,
I've been in a similar situation as your friend Fraggle, but on the other side. I was the immature male courted by true love who didn't even believe in love. She was very in love with me, but I was lukewarm for 3 years. Finally I ended it, for good. Silly me.
So, from the other side of things, your friend doesn't have much of a chance. If she does get her man, he'll mistreat and disrespect her; you've already seen that. So keep her busy. Find her hobbies, something to do to keep the crush away.
How long has she been infatuated with this man? I read a statistic that it takes three times longer to get over someone than the amount of time you've spent with them.
As for wrecking a fantasy, I still have fantasies about women I met twenty years ago; no one can take those away from me. Once a woman gets into your heart, she stays there, and I can only assume that a woman's heart works the same way.
haha..Kind of depressing to hear that...I've often wondered if the girls I've spent *too much time* thinking about will still be haunting me years down the line. This does not bode well my future mental health. :m:
As for helping your friend-- I just got back from my run, and this extra oxygen has given me an idea:
I read a study somewhere about an experiment that was done to prove that any two people (as long as they weren't too different) could be made to fall in love through a simple procedure:
It might be possible to reverse the process. Or, if you know someone who would be good for her..well you know. Just be careful.
11-24-04, 11:03 PM
I read a statistic that it takes three times longer to get over someone than the amount of time you've spent with them.
This is interesting. By "the ammount of time you've spent with them", do ya mean during a certain segment of time, or do ya mean the sum of all hours in which ye'r directly interacting with them?
I'm assuming that it is the segment of time you consider to be dating/married/seeing eachother. For instance, say you've been dating me for 4 years, but for the last two years you've been in Iraq, and then year 5 roles around and you die.
It'd take me 12 years to get over my dear Wolfie.
But this is all speculation. I really haven't much of an idea.
I read a study a few years ago by an american scientist, who after studying vast amounts of data , concluded that humans were only capable of being in "love" for 3 or 4 years. I have to say that she may well be on to something. Myself and the vast majority of my friends have all had relationships that all lasted about 3 or 4 years, and then for one reason or another they all ended. Myself have had a few that again all lasted 3 or 4 years. how long has this lady been in love with the guy? ( had to speed read this thread , so apologies if i missed the time factor)
11-25-04, 10:59 AM
I read a study a few years ago by an american scientist, who after studying vast amounts of data , concluded that humans were only capable of being in "love" for 3 or 4 years. I have to say that she may well be on to something. Myself and the vast majority of my friends have all had relationships that all lasted about 3 or 4 years, and then for one reason or another they all ended.I think all she discovered was the 95th percentile or something like that. There are lots of people out here who have been in love for much longer. I've been married for 27 years and I can say in all honesty that I've been in love with Mrs. Fraggle that whole time. Love grows and matures and develops whole new aspects, just as we do. I remember one of the few sweet, life-affirming things my generally bitchy mother said to me. I told her I was in love with a girl in my sophomore class in high school. Momma just looked at me kindly and said, "Honey, you have no idea what love is until you've been with someone for twenty years." Sure most loves have a short run, but that's because we all need the experience to judge from, so we know when the real thing happens. Be patient, be open, be honest, and don't put too much stock in statistics because they can be interpreted in a million ways. That one perfect love (or nearly perfect, our hearts gloss over the flaws) is out there, and if you're a person who deserves it, it will find you.
Myself have had a few that again all lasted 3 or 4 years.Until I met the missus, mine were all more like two years. It's dangerous to generalize about something like love. It's important to regard it as spiritual and not try to put too much of a scientific spin on it. Even if you're not a religous person, as I am not, you need to let your spirit deal with love, not your brain.
11-25-04, 11:47 AM
The most you should do is honestly state your opinion to her, once. If you go beyond that, you may turn her against you. Just be there for her. If she comes around, great, if she doesn't, well, at least you tried.
I had a friend who was the same way, their relationship just went to shit. They're broken up now, but still fuck because they can't find anyone else. On the other hand, my parents were that same hopless couple, but have been married for 33 years now. So hey, it goes both ways. Can't really understand love, ever.
11-25-04, 12:00 PM
"But if the other person is still around and you both are still in love, but it's just not ever going to work, how would a man break this off? Maybe this is what I should be asking."
Just sit down with her, eye to eye, and explain what you are feeling as you are doing here. If you will be honest and TACTFUL you can get through it just fine. By tactful I mean try and not hurt her feelings by addressing what YOU are feeling not what you feel about her but what's inside your own mind about the relationship.
The prospect of a world without the one you love can be frightening. It takes courage to let go of someone that you love, even when you know it's for your own good.
Your friend sounds like an intelligent woman, she has already acknowledged the situation, and is working to resolve it. She's started the journey she just needs to take the final step.
In her heart she knows what she has to do to end the relationship; tell him it's over, don't return his phone calls, talk to him at work but be polite and avoid personal conversations etc. I'm not saying that will be an easy thing for her to do - obviously, it won't.
As for your role in the situation? There is nothing you can do that will 'fix' the situation, the only person that can do that is her (or him if he has a total personality transplant - which doesn't sound likely).
Just continue to be her friend, help (by help, I mean listen) and support her - be there for her. When she does make the break, however it happens, she is going to go through tough times and will need all the support she can get.
Just keep doing what your doing and you won't go far wrong.